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Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Discussion forum for those who had completed their IVF treatments without a successful outcome and are seeking other options such as adoption, surrogacy etc.

Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby Angela37firsttimeivf » Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:31 am

It's been great reading all your posts. It's a relief to know others out there are experiencing the same and asking that big question DO I GIVE UP? At first I thought, well if I can always get so many eggs, and I have three tries then I have loads of opportunities, but what I didn't realise is how tough it is mentally. I'm now facing the problem that we have just had our 5th negative on a FET, but have 3 embies left. To be honest I have felt so bad this time, that that is no longer a consolation for me. I have zero hope and just know that I can't go on like this.

So I have had a very strong feeling since BFN Number 3 that I want to adopt, and it won't go away. I thought I had convinced myself last night that I want to stop the treatment and just go for it, but this morning I keep thinking, I still have a few more chances.

Basically, I want to do both. Is there anyone out there who has chosen to go ahead with both, and how did they find this, as I know you are supposed to have stopped treatment. Are there psychologists that do their best to get it out of you, or can you convince them otherwise? Do some accept it anyway? My husband's problem is that he thinks if we carry on with the IVF we won't be able to concentrate on the adoption, and our hearts won't really be in it. I don't agree because I have lost so much faith now, and to me the IVF only has a minute chance of working, but I just can't stand the pain of the disappointment without having the adoption route to keep me sane. Does this make sense?

Me and DH: 42

2006: 2 ectopics
2007-08: 2 IVFs, 4 FETs: all BFNs
approved for adoption
2009: IVF 3 - BFP!
Adam born 26 April 2010
5 frosties left
2012: FET - BFP! miscarriage at 8 weeks
2 remaining frosties didn't survive
Gearing up for foster care
Posts: 150
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2007 9:51 am
Location: Germany


Postby Jen1d » Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:33 pm

Hi Angela

Yep i started down the road to adoption and still had 2 frozen embryos.
I have to say when we were on our 2ww, we had a visit about the adoption from a social worker and i had to lie to her and say we had finished ivf. I felt terrible and dh and i started to think what if the ivf worked and we had to explain that we had lied, but to be honest, if i had got pregnant i wouldnt have cared and would have told her.
Anyway as it turned out we got another neg and although might have a free cycle with the nhs, if they can find a donor, we are going through the adoption process and are pleased we havent waited until ivf is finished as it would delay things further.

Its not the best way to do things but we feel the adoption process takes 6 months just for the assessment then we have to wait and be matched with baby, so we're happy the process is already underway. In fact we have the social worker coming today---2 days after my bfn. Not the best timing but closer to our baby hopefully.

Hope things work out for you, let me know what you decide to do

Love Jen x
me 38 dh 38, ttc for 6yrs,
HSG - Tubes Damaged
Bilateral Salpingectomy, 16th Aug 06,
Hysteroscopy - 30th Oct 07
4 IVF - BFN, 3 ED - BFN
Valued Contributor
Posts: 1635
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2005 3:11 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby Angela37firsttimeivf » Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:23 pm

Hi Jen, thanks for the encouragement. We have our first appointment with the adoption agency on Monday, but are still thinking of transferring our remaining three around May. Like you say, at our age we can't afford to wait with the adoption, but why should you deny yourself the chances you still have. I'm hoping that starting the adoption process will help with the disappointment of further BFNs as I don't really have that much hope, but then if I don't take advantage of further attempts then I will always be wondering what if I had carried on. Keep in touch. Am looking for adoption buddies! Love, Angela.
Me and DH: 42

2006: 2 ectopics
2007-08: 2 IVFs, 4 FETs: all BFNs
approved for adoption
2009: IVF 3 - BFP!
Adam born 26 April 2010
5 frosties left
2012: FET - BFP! miscarriage at 8 weeks
2 remaining frosties didn't survive
Gearing up for foster care
Posts: 150
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2007 9:51 am
Location: Germany

Postby Alette » Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:09 pm

I would lie too.

Good luck to you!!
after lots of IUI, 4 FETs and 5 IVF's
a babyboy!
Posts: 286
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2004 12:51 pm

Postby jill dickens » Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:19 pm

Hi Angela,
I have to say going through treatment and the adoption process at the same time really is a no no. If the SW's found out you were doing that you really would have problems. The reason for having completed treatment is they want to see you are "over" not having a birth child like that ever really happens!!! but that is why the 6 - 12 month gap between is in place. I also have to say each process in it's own right takes so much out of you you really couldn't emotionally do both. Let me know how things are going I do understand where you are coming from as I became a new mum at 42 after 9 years of treatment and the process so I know only too well the pressure of time passing by.
Love Jill x
TTC nearly 9 years
Raised FSH
natural pg M/C, 12 months on Clomid +ve M/C
1st Egg Donor IVF Cycle Oct 04 +ve M/C my dream is over
Nov 04 Began the adoption journey
Nov 06 our beautiful baby girl has come home we were matched at just over 12 months
jill dickens
Posts: 237
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 9:33 pm
Location: UK

2 years

Postby michelle38 » Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:33 pm

Holy Crap.. Jill, does it really take 2 years for the adoption process? I knew it was along time.. .but omg.
This is just another thing to be discouraged by...
me=38, unexplained/ age related infertility
TTC for 3 years
4 IUIs (2 pos, 2 neg)
2 MCs (from IUI)
1 IVF ICSI (neg) ( 0 ins covrg/ can only afrd 1 time)
Don't know what to do next
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 4:57 am
Location: Houston, Texas


Postby meena » Sat Oct 25, 2008 9:23 pm

I looked into this board to get info on after effects of infertility drugs but I see some adoption questions. I did 10 IUI with meds and 2 IVFs before I adopted. It has been the most wonderful experience I have ever had. I did international from Kazakhstan and I used Little Miracles from Texas (they held my hand throught the whole process and were the best), I live in NJ. You don't need to be in the same state with your agency and it is the most fullfilling thing I have ever done. My daughter is my world. She's 2 1/2 and I love her to pieces. It used to really bother me bad that adoption would mean I don't have a bio child. It WAS really important to me. I know now I am meant to be DDs mother and she was meant to be my child. I don't care anymore about the bio thing. I never thought I'd say that but that's how I feel.

If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:48 pm

Postby children » Mon Oct 27, 2008 7:32 pm


Thank you very much for this post. I am so happy that you found your way to reach the happiness that you seek for.

I just wanted to share with you that even for a bio child, it takes time to love him/her. In my experience. I am still amazed by our bio daughter at times, because she is herself, she is not me nor my husband. I constantly surprised by the things that she does and wonder why and how she is like that. I sincerely rarely think my or my DH's genetic materials have anything to do with her loveliness. So, I can completely understand how you love your daughter whole-heartedly.

My DH never completely supported me to go through ivf and we agreed to go adoption route if ivf did not work. We are one of the luckiest couples in this ivf world, given my age (43 at the time we started) issue. We really only did one fresh ivf cycle and it worked, but I still love to think about adoption, if one day I think I still want more children.

Enjoy your little love and kiss her for me!
Me, 50 DH, 40
IVF, 11/05, 19 embryos(e), no ET, OHSS
FET, 02/06, cancelled, dominant egg
FET, 04/06, 4e, BFN
FET, 06/06, 6e, DD born 02/07
FET, 05/08, 5e, DS born 01/09
Posts: 491
Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 6:59 pm
Location: USA

Postby birdie » Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:45 pm

Hi Meena, I wanted to ask you if there is a required waiting period between the time you stop IVF and the time you start the application process for adoption. I have been through 2 failed IVFs and we'll probably go through another round in the next couple months. My husband is not ready to think about adoption but I'm a planner and I like to know my options. I don't feel optimistic about ivf (I know negative thinking doesn't help) and have been thinking a lot about adoption lately. I don't know how many more cycles I can go through because the last one was pretty difficult for me, but we both feel that if we don't give this a good try, we'll always regret it. How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel?
If we do adopt, it would be from India since my husband grew up there. From what I've read, they require a couple to be together 5 years before applying. We've only been married 2 years and the thought of having to wait that long to even apply, not to mention the waiting for the adoption itself, is unbearable. I'm ready for a child now! I know that I could love a child who is not biologically mine. Like the woman above said, it takes time to love even a biological child. I know there would be a period of adjustment, but after that, there would be no doubt that that child was meant to be mine.
Me: 38 DH: 35
Age related / Male factor infertility
1st IVF - BFN
2nd IVF - BFN
3rd IVF - 4 embryos frozen
FET #1 - BFN
FET #2 - BFN
Try one last time in Nov. '09?
Posts: 28
Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:46 pm

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby Shiella » Sat May 17, 2014 3:58 am

For me it is better to adopt while wasting your money in a failed process.But we cant deny the fact that we taking the chances of the possibilities that we can have our own child..
Have you already try thishttp://bit.ly/1lxtMqe.It works on me I hope on you too.
I love to hear you success story right after..ehehe
Cheers!Just dont lose hope.
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 2:51 am

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby RZachary » Wed Jan 14, 2015 5:15 am

We decided to adopt a few months after the IVF failure. I remember to this day the feeling of relief I had when we finally made the decision.

“We wanted children so much, but seemingly had no control over whether we would have any. We saw adoption as a way to take back some of that control, with a much higher chance of a positive outcome than another attempt at IVF.

“The physical weight of anxiety lifted, it was incredible, and breathed a new life and motivation into both of us. Although our adoption took nearly three years, from first enquiry in April 2010 to placement in January 2013, our own situation was quite unique and I know the adoption process is getting much quicker.
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2015 12:40 pm
Location: USA

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby rahulkumar123 » Thu Oct 27, 2016 9:59 am

keep trying for the IVF ... You will definitely get the success
Posts: 92
Joined: Wed Oct 19, 2016 12:26 pm

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby kakasmall » Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:47 pm

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Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:43 pm

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby Ressia » Mon Oct 02, 2017 10:53 am

If you want to have a child, do not give up nor discourage with few failures. You need to be strong to pursue your IVF. It's different to have your own baby in your arms.
Posts: 31
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:47 am

Re: Carry on with ivf or adopt???

Postby Alex124 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:22 am

My wife had secondary infertility. We got treated from Fertility Centre Nepal and it resulted in a positive pregnancy. If you want to have a child, do not give up nor discourage within few failures. You need to be strong enough to pursue your IVF. It's different to have your own baby in your arms rather than adopting. If it seems minimum chance of recovering your IVF then you can adopt but i will prefer infertility cousre treatment because adoption can be done at any satge of your life.Good luck to you!!!
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:39 am


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