Oct 05 Cycle Buddies

[lolajones]

Hola ladies!

So so sorry for absence. Work has been so busy and and and...

Jemla - so??? When do you start???? Whats the news??? Are you back from in-law visiting? How's FIL????
Steph - lake party. I love kayaking - how was it? 76???

How're the other lovers?

well I haven't got much to report. After the tears of finding out the baby had died came the numbness. And I'm still there really, I mean outwardly I'm normal, even a bit manic and over compensating happy but I don't feel anything. Wierd. Haven't thought about the future yet - leavin that a while. Have appointment with doc on friday - dreading it, too much hello reality. I can't stand to hear the word miscarriage.
Me n dh are off on holiday in 2 weeks - can't wait. Also going to take mega break in September for a few weeks.
Sorry if I sound a bit flat, just tired.
So - do I have to give Demmy back?? He is bump and grind king!

I know its a bit ripe but Jen!! Pop in and tell me how you're going!

Love in abundance

Lola
xxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Finally The Loops has returned, we were all getting worried about you.
So you need a telling off first---answer your personal emails so we know you are ok and send us a photo NOW, got that

Feel better now thats off my chest. Anyway so glad you are back and ok. Its going to take a long time and lots of love and care to learn to move on after losing the baby but with lots of support and love you will find the strength to try again.

AF is due around the 1st so i start my medi then, will keep you updated.

Just got back from Liverpool and have had a hectic weekend. Before that we were in Middlesborogh to see dh Dad, who is home an doing well after his op.

Ok will catch up tomorrow, am whacked and due in work tomorrow for 2 days induction training as i have to start my SVQ 4 if i want to stay a Senior----just dont need it for the next 8 months when treatment is going on but got no choice

Love to you all Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Well af arrived this morning, a bit unexpected as it was due in a few more days but we are really happy. I have now started my tablets this morning and then updated the clinic, they emailed straight away and are now looking for our 'you know what'

Well i hope everyone comes back soon. The thread is getting so quiet and lonely now.

Catch you soon

Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

Hi lips!

Jens- just wrote you loong e-mail, so won't repeat myself.. you will have to check it out when get the chance. Do we have any type of time frame for all this? are you staying at the same hotel with free computer access so you can check in with us when you go?

Loopy Bunny!!!!!! soooooo glad that you have finally gave a wink and a peek to our lovely diminishing group. How are you doing? If I have my dates correct, you have a doc appt tommorrow? What are you going in For? Are you going to plan another cycle? or are you putting everything on hold until you are ready?... Where are you going on holiday? Don't you guys have major flooding over there right now? I thought I caught a glimpse of that on the news??? .... anywho-zy.... let us know how tommorrow goes...

As for me.. yahoo!! major work deadline met and can now breathe again. Plus, for bonus fun.. I am going to a fantastic spa on Sunday for a day of pampering me day.. lovely gift from hubby! Also, 4th of july next week so get the day off! hoorah! although it is like 95 degrees out and 100% humidity, I am ignoring it and not letting it break my good times mood.

Littles and Walshy... would luv a little tickle from the two of you!

hippy shake
steph

[Jen1d]

Hi Steph

Yep, same hotel hopefully but wont be able to book it until a couple of days before ET. Spoke to the woman who works there and she was very kind and said we can book it via the internet but if its all booked up, she will oraganise it at her side. So no excuse not to keep you all informed.

Spoke to Anna from the over40's, she is fab and keeps me well informed about clinic. She waited 3 weeks until a "you know what" was found, hopefully i will hear soon

Now you get back to work

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

Hello sweet-things

Jemla - looks like things are going pretty smoothly and the we know what will be found soon!!!! I am so excited for your good news for it WILL BE good news for our Jen, simply has to be!

Steph - so, spa day for you then? Hope you have a whole bunch of treatments booked and will be pristine uber mama by the time you leave. Not that aren't pretty uber already of course...... Yes, lots of flooding in the north of the country, London ok though.

Well, had my appointment with the main man today. eeeeeuuuuggghghhhh. Was upsetting as I expected but not too bad. Anyhoo, he agrees that after the 18 months I've had, a break is the best thing. I'm going to have more tests (genetics etc and yet another HSG) and then think about next cycle. Its strange, the thought of doing another cycle fills me with panic and dread but the thought of a prolonged break makes me anxious too. We'll see. Plan is do another fresh cycle towards the end of the year. He told me that no explanation found for cause of the mc. He also said he obviously couldn't guarantee anything but that this (ivf) would work for me given whats happened so far. Small comfort at this time. I'm just so angry at the world. AAARRRGGGHHH. Its just so unfair, haven't I paid my dues????

stop it! ok chumblas, its the weekend!!! woo hooooooo!!!! Have a good one bananas

Love
Lola
xxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Hi

Loops - Glad your finding the strength to log on again, we've missed you.
Anger---know all about that one. This world is just so bloody unfair. I can understand about trying again and how mixed up you feel but you have got this far by sheer strength and determination so you can find some more to try again. Dont give up hun, i know its been hard but look at the positives, you have been pregnant twice so it CAN happen again

Steph - How you doing, whats new over in your part of the woods, bet the weather is better than here. It not cold here but i'm p----d off with the rain, it will soon be time for the snow soon Hows little Faith, she must be muching some finger foods but now-----think its time to introduce Starbucks and cupcakes yummy

Littles - Stop traveling so much and visit us more. Hope your not struggling to much, we miss you to.

Walshy - How you doing? Any news on trying again or is that a definate no now? We miss you too, come back soon

Camilla - How are your two monsters behaving? Whats new with you?

Me - Well the clinic sent an email today and said they will be in touch in about a week as they hope to have everything organised buy then aarrrrrrrrhhhhhhh, its getting so close and i still need to figure this all out in my head.

Ok away to find some tea for us

Catch up soon

Love Jen x

[little R]

My Octofriends.... I am not sure where to begin so will simply just throw it all out there...please forgive me in advance and skip this post completely if you are hoping for some PMA

Also skip this post please as I don't really deserve a response/comment as I have been such an unfaithful Octopal...the only buddy I have really kept up with is Jen via mail. I haven't been posting because I really don't like sharing anything that is not positive and upbeat. I feel like such a wimp venting away and frankly you all deserve far better.... but today, I don't know who to turn to because I just feel so very alone and to be honest, a little unhinged. I am ashamed... and feel so very guilty about my attitude and behaviour...

Sorry in advance for the following...

I am not handling the infertility very well and I am still seeing the counsellor to work through all my feelings of anger, frustration, guilt and grief. I sometimes feel that I am making progress and then "something" happens to set me back a mile and I feel that I have regressed completely....and severe depression is just around the corner. This brings me to yesterday evening...the time of my complete meltdown.

So yesterday evening I had a phone call from my brother and my future-sister-in-law announcing their wedding plans...... I know that one of the reasons behind the wedding is their want to have a child asap (having a baby out of wedlock is not an issue..so I am thinking that they are already trying). They haven't know eachother for very long but I have known that this was in the cards. So honestly, it was not a surprise and yet it felt as if someone had ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I am supposed to feel great about my own brother getting married and happy for them both and yet all I feel is loneliness, alienation and pure anger that they will get pregnant in next to no time and yet again I will be "the" infertility statistic, the poor twit that has been trying and trying and never quite gets there.

I loathe feeling this way and just want to wake up one morning and stop wanting this child, feeling depressed... the most pathetic thing is that I can't remember the last time I was really happy. I can't remember how that felt. It seems such a long time ago... I don't have a life and it really scares me to death. I know what I should do to remedy the situation and that I need to make necessary changes to my life and my outlook and yet all I feel is terrified as it requires so much energy and I don't have any more left. I feel as if I have been treading water for such a long time and I just want to stop struggling and let it all go...I just want to stop feeling this way. It takes a toll pretending that everything is rosy when you're dying on the inside and people are clueless as to what you are going through.

Anyway...yesterday before their call I made an appointment at the clinic in September (my doctor is away for 2 months). I think that my final IVF will be end of September-October-November. I actually was forced to mention this to my brother because he obviously wants me at the wedding. Then, clueless as my sister-in-law is, she kept wanting to know when treatment would begin and end for, understandably, her wedding plans... I obviously have no idea... now I feel I have to explain the whole thing to them and I know that they are not really interested but simply want answers to their wedding related questions. I know I am just overly-sensitive and the slightest little comment drives me around the bend but I don't want additional stress when doing my last treatment...

I realise this sounds completely self-centered and selfish... I just want to preserve myself from the pain and I can't seem to remove myself from it all and let it not hurt me...

I had a long discussion with DH last night after the meltdown when I was calmer... we are opposites and he handles things very differently...he hates to see me this way. Other people and their lives (their babies) don't have an impact on him. He obviously doesn't understand that I can't get past it and that it hurts me so much. He wants me to let go of all the feelings and yet I can't...I don't know how to.

I know I am over-reacting but all I want is a baby...it's been nearly 6 years..it's just not fair...

Anyway... from the posts I see that Lola hasn't been doing well and understandably so given what you have been through... I am truly sorry and hope you are not angry with me for deserting you in your moment of need. Yes, you're right... you've paid your dues... incredibly it doesn't seem to work that way though... I can totally relate to your anger over the unfairness of the world...
Your holiday plans sound like fun

Jen, all fingers crossed that you get your phone call...thank you very much for your mail by the way...

Steph, you're too funny...you're so very young . Is the travelling for work fun? What are you up to these days? What of the big bad boss?

Camilla, so what are your little ones up to? Growing up fast?

Walshy... I really need to have a chat with you. I haven't been on msn much as been back and forth to Switzerland dealing with house renovations etc. It's been a bit hectic. You okay? How's life treating you? BTW, Congrats on shedding some kgs.... good for you

Must dash as have a acquaintance coming around for coffee and need to make some buns (Steph: muffin like little cakes, not your rear end!).

Still not sure whether to post this self-absorbed and ultra-lame post...well here goes!

Love to you all

Littles

[Inhale, Exhale]

Oh my Octos!

Well, am probably the last person you girls want to hear from right now...

Loops- I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I had one miscarriage and always thought if I had another it would kill me. I am so sorry that you are going through that AGAIN.. definitely UNFAIR.. no question there. But, you are so strong.. made of steel with a hint of world strongest man (even though we all know that women are stronger) But, here is my advice... let it all in. You have to be sad if you want and mad if you want until you are ready to move on again.. and you will be, because you are not a person who stays down for long. From where I am sitting I think that your moment of having all your dreams is sooooo close. You have gotten pregnant.. twice! like my doc said to me (which I hated him at the time for it, but was true) ... you just need the right embie. Your little Lola-bie is just hanging out in chez ovaries thinking-- don't give up on me yet! Please don't give up... take time to be ready.... but don't let go on what you want the most. Just Do It, Cowgirl Up and all those other "motivating" little who-whos.... you will know when you are ready, you may be scared to death (who wouldn't be), but you will be tough-nut, because it will be worth it.

Jens- yahoo... next week you will be hearing.. it is all happening!! can you believe it? has it sunk in yet? are you excited?scared?nervous?hopeful? all of the above? I am totally confident in your BFP! I don't support these spankys for just any old occassion you know? Demetrio has decided to add some extra spice to good luck dance by wearing a thong (underwear, not shoes) and painting a big postive sign on his chest.. we had to shave off his chest hair! But there is no effort to great for our Jen!! we luvs her...

Be back..
Steph

[Jen1d]

Hi gang

Well it seems this is the day for being down and feeling sorry for ourselves.
I hate work, social workers especially senior social workers, svq, my tubes, my ovaries, my eggs, my body arrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
P----D OFF WITH A CAPITAL P.

Littles - Babe you sound so down and sad. It must be so hard for you and might get harder if your brother delivers some more news in the near future. Unfortunately there is no preparing for it but i agree others dont understand. Even my Mum just say there are always going to be people telling me they are pregnant---they dont understand how we feel deep down. The girls at work always say i never really talk about anything---thats the life of an ivf girl eh, just pick up move on and put on a brave face. Well no more, i now say how i feel---not often though as they dont understand but there are 2 close friends who are a great support but both have kids so wont ever know truly how i feel.
Its great you are having counselling, think i will have to try that soon, i still feel confused about using a 'you know what'. Think its because its getting near now but i am having probs in my head about it looking like me etc and will it feel like mine?
Anyway please drop in more, we are here to support each other through good and bad. Hugs flying over to you

Steph - We luv you to for sticking around to support us when you've already reached your goal.
I'm impressed with the thong, and i defo prefer a nice hairless chest

Ok off to chill ann feel sorry for myself tonight. Its pouring of rain again, which doesnt help, will just have to dream of my holidays in the Bahamas, wish i was there again

Love Jen x

[lolajones]

Oi oi octos!

I've been at a conference so unable to post but here it is!

Little R - You have been unhappy, beyond unhappy, for such a long time. I know that counselling is helping you but it seems to me that you need more support and help to get through this. This is not going to defeat you and is not going to ruin the rest of your lovely life. You seem to have a complicated life, living away from home. maybe the whole kaboodle needs to change - these are hard decisions to make and when you're feeling down, you're not in the right head space or have the motivation to make objective good decisions. Have you consulted a doctor about your feelings? I don't mean a fertility doc, I mean like a GP or primary healthcare person. Forgive me if you think I'm talking out of line here but littles, all of this has hit you so hard and I think you need more help than you're getting. Please keep in touch and don't give up hope. xxxxxx

Jemla miss, It is a big thing to get your head around and counselling will help you. Fact is though, when you're up the duff, it'll all seem very simple and just perfect. A week does seem ages whne you're waiting but hang on in there hot stuff! I have a very good feeling about this and my good feelings are rarely wrong....

Steph thank you for pep talk. I'm ok really. Big hurdle at weekend was seeing my SIL who got preg a few weeks before me. have been avoiding all family gatherings until then. Anyway, was hard seeing her and kept staring at her bump. I think she was terrified if seeing me and hid for most of the afternoon. Wasn't as difficult as I anticipated - sure it'll be hard when she gives birth and my due date is looming but y'know, we'll cross that one when we come to it. Hey ho. How're you bootiliscious?? What plans for the summer? How's La Faith? Can't believe you made Demmy shave his chest! It'll be all stubbley now when... never mind....

Hola Walsheroo and Cams - whats cooking kiddos?

Bueno bueno, have day off tomorrow to pack and then fly to Espana saturday! woo hoo! farmhouse near the coast! 1 week of nada nada. man, I am so looking forward to this holiday! I am doing my "can't wait" dance. It pretty sexy - Demmy taught me...

OK then charmers, I'll pop in tomorrow
spread the love!

Lola
xxxxxxx

[Jen1d]

Hi Loops

Glad your finding the strength to hang around with us more again.
Must have been so hard dealing with the SIL. Strange i can deal with kids, babies, no probs but bumps and people telling me they are pregnant is a killer. You WILL have your bump some day soon
Forgot about your hol, sounds fab you lucky thing. Enjoy, you deserve it

Ok, i've had a crap day at work-----hate all social workers and senior management today Am off to chill and wait patiently for BB. Am desperate for someone to shout at Charley and sort her out

Am now off for 3 days, although tomorrow will be full of studying.

Have a good one, love to you all.

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Wish i could pick up the phone and chat to you. I'm having a terrible evening.
In short, having friends over tomorrow for dinner (we were meant to be pregnant before them, they have a 14month old now). Anyway its not them, they have friends who we see when we got out with them and dont know if you remember but she got married and couldnt get pregnant with her 2nd child for over 18months. It was me who eventually gave her advice about ovulation kit and it worked first month. So i have been feeling bad as we keep sayng we will have them over to see our new house but have been putting it off as i cant bare to see her bump (she's about 5 or 6 months). Well the dh is a policeman, we thought it would be short notice for them to come over tomorrow, so we asked and they agreed. So now we have 2 couples coming over, i like them all and we have a laugh but i cant stand the thought of bumps and baby talk. To make matters worse we haven't told anyone we are doing tretment this time as its too stressful with everyone asking how you are and what stage your at, plus the ed thing. Then dh said i have to "face them sometime" and cant go on trying to avoid everyone. I just feel he doesn't even understand how i feel now. I am just so upset and am now dreading tomorrow when i was suppose to be having a nice stress free weekend. I feel so stressed out what with work, studying and treatment and i have had enough, especially of putting on a brave face.
So tomorrow will come and i will have to put on another face, pretend everything is ok and pretend i dont mind talking about babies WHY CANT WE EVER HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS
Just once let me get a bfp, something to be happy about for a change
Girls i'm sorry to be so negative and talk about me, me, me but i know you will give me the support and kick up the butt i need.
Oh how i wish we could pop down to Starbucks for a chat and a hug right now.

Thanks for listening, am going to bed, maybe some sleep will help

Love Jen x

[little R]

Dearest Octopals... thank you for your support Jen and Lola.... what's with all the SIL issues I basically have to be up the duff before 2008 to not have to endure the SIL's impending bump

I imagine that you are on your way, Lola, to much-deserved paradise. Good for you Thank you especially for taking the time to write me and offer your expert opinion, it really means a lot to me particularly as you're going through such a rough patch. I am going to take necessary steps; I am not in denial, things are not right and I have spoken openly about feeling so depressed with my doctor and counsellor. I am not alone in knowing how I feel. They are both great and have been incredibly supportive. I will be fine... because I don't have a choice I am going away for holidays to Switzerland and I think that that will do me a world of good. A nice break away for 3 weeks and a change of scenery. Dubai gets to me after a while
You take care on your travels and make the most of your break with your DH

Sweet Jen... have just seen your post. Wish we could go for coffee too..we would have a lot to vent and chat about... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here thinking about you and feeling for you. You poor thing. HUGS coming your way! I know what you mean about your DH as mine has the same attitude...I have to face it and not cut myself off and deliberately isolate myself. I think that men are less sensitive to that issue, but it doesn't mean that DH doesn't understand your pain and your suffering. He's just dealing with it differently. Men do, I believe. He DOES understand your pain but he's afraid that you will cut yourself off from the world and he wants to help you feel better. Frankly, I think that you're doing brilliantly by inviting them to dinner. Tonight is the big night and know that I will be thinking of you and know that I know that you are hurting and having to be "happy". I know about trying to plaster on the brave face when you're miserable inside... I can truly relate. It's exhausting as others are clueless to your pain. Just think of this... it will be a distant memory when you get up the duff! Hang on to that thought...They are your friends so shouldn't be insensitive to your plight as they know you're having difficulties TTC. Do you have a table that is quite high... the bumps would then be camouflaged!! Completely know how you feel BUT YOU WILL BE OK... you have got through far worse than this!
I'll be thinking about u. Hang on in there...
Pity we don't live closer... funny you mention Starbucks..they've opened one just next-door to our tower building

Steph... love to you and Faith...would love to receive a pic of you both. As I still haven't "seen" you or Lola!

Must dash have to run some errands before the heat and humidity get too bad!

Take care all your Octogirls...

Much love,

Littles

[Jen1d]

Hi Littles

Thanks for your help, as always. You are so right about dh but sometimes i just dont think they or anyone else knows how we feel, i think its worse for us.

The hours are ticking away an i'm dreading facing a bump but i will put on a brave face and smile. Maybe she is dreading facing me, maybe she feels uneasy. Am glad the fashion is smock tops, hope she's got one on and yes the table is 'bump cover proof'

I am starting to have doubts about a bfp. I have never been pregnant, they say its only my tubes but now i just think any egg will stick. Cant believe i'm stitting here on cylce 5, whats the point???
Am going to phone and try to book some counselling, thought i could manage but the nearer it gets the more i struggle.

Thanks for listening as always, have a good weekend and enjoy your hol, you lucky thing. I miss Switzerland so much, its so gorgeous so i'm sure you will be able to get some chill time and try to take your mind of ivf hell.

Love Jen x