I smiled today!

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 10:59 am

Well the last few weeks have been akin to a living hell and still they continue. Since losing our baby at 20 weeks we have tried to make sense of it all but we can't so have decided not to - this is not a cop out just a way of moving on. Life is not fair but I lit two candles last night for our baby we lost at ectopic and the one we thought would "be" and we lost at 20 weeks. We still have no answers but we live to fight on and try and find a way though it all. All you on this part of the site help me and I realise I am far from alone. Becky asked on another thread to write if we have something good to report. I have nothing other than it was baby loss day yesterday and the sun shone - I went out in to the garden to clear away the summer plants etc and make way for the new ones for winter and autumn. This proved a cathartic experience and I had a coffee with a neighbour and laughed again. I wish sometimes I was or am a religous person - I am not and admire Becky for her beliefs and strenght form them. What I do believe though is that our precious baby lives on and smiles with me when I smile and is sad when I am sad because it is ever part of me. When we finally get the PM results and can name our baby and finally put it to rest I will go on and try for another on the 5th IVF route. Today I saw the way forward and I smiled..... Hope you are all well Love Tracey xxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 3:50 pm

you are an amazing women. heavenly father loves you so very much. i had candles burning threw the night for our children. hopefuly we can all make peace.. i am so happy for you tracey.. i dont think that you will ever know how much and how many people that you have helped.you keep going and i will be with you all the way. !!! i am so glad that you smiled. what wonderful great news!!! dh is telling me to hurry up so we can get on the road. love you, becky

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 5:42 pm

Tracey Just wanted to say that the fact you smiled again has made me smile too, and I am sure all the rest of the girls too. As Becky says hopefully we will all find our peace one way or another, and find the strength to move on. With love Gracexx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Fri Oct 17, 2003 11:03 am

Every smile - is a smile to be celebrated - well done you! We walk this path in very small steps - thank you for sharing your 'good news'. Thinking of you Lorraine xxxxx

LORRAINE G · Post by **LORRAINE G** » Fri Oct 17, 2003 7:02 pm

Just wanted to send my love and prayers to you all, wonderful strong women who I have so much admiration for. I am just starting out on this dreadful road of IVF and I can't help but follow you postings You truly are an inspiration and have given me strength to face what is comming much love to you all Lorraine G

rachel r · Post by **rachel r** » Fri Oct 17, 2003 7:33 pm

Dearest Tracey I still can't believe this awful thing happened to you, and am thinking of you often. I don't know how you, and the others who have lost, carry on - I cannot imagine what it must be like, and how you get through the day. Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts, and, please God, in time you'll feel ready to try again (i hope that doesn't sound like im making little of your loss, but im sure you know what i mean). Take good care of yourself. With love Rachel x

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 7:34 am

Just wanted to say thanks for all the replies and I agree with Alice - it is nice to see this side of the board being used. There are times when we don't all fit neatly in to the IVF?ICSI slot as we are not having tmt for one reason or another and we don't fit into the pg after tmt slot either and it is very hard to post there if you have lost one or never got that far. This side is proving very valuable and much needed. We have our review today at the clinic but there will be no answers - this is to discuss a way forward if we choose to do it and still no answers on the PM but DH did get to speak to the specialist who is happy for us to continue without PM results if we choose as he reckons we would have to be very unlucky for it to be genetic. That would be the same unlucky to have to have IVF in the first place from 2 completely shot tubes or unlucky to have an ectopic just before my wedding after first IVF or unucky to lose a supposedly healthy baby at 20 weeks - mmmmmmmm strange word that but we must try and think positively. Take care one and all whatever stage you are at in the tmt/adoption process. Love Tracey xxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 10:34 am

Hi Tracey - good to see your posting. Good to see that you're talking about your next go, good to see that you know that your little ones are with you all the time - and you say you have no religious beliefs, but I think that you are receiving some degree of comfort in feeling that they're always with you. Keep going Trace - thinking about you and your DH - love, Jo. XXX

Traci · Post by **Traci** » Mon Oct 20, 2003 1:08 pm

Its so good to see you on the bords and you have made my day with your smile

I have been thinking of you every day , I do hope that each day gets a weency bit better I know it will be hard but it sounds as though you are on the right road for recovery however long. Take care Trace x {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} # # I I This is Two candels!!!!

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