Just rambling.........

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Oct 30, 2003 6:22 pm

Hello Girls - I'm not sure what I am posting about/for. I guess I just wandered here for the company! I'm having a tough week (can't for the life of me remember when I didn't!) I saw my doctor again today - I reluctantly started antideppressants a month ago and I feel no different so she upped my dose - feel so dissapointed in myself and the tablets - I just hoped I would be feeling a bit better by now. Its been 4 months since we finished the IVF - people ask me all the time if we might change our minds and try again - but I know in my heart it is behind us now. We have spoken about adoption many times over the years and DH just does not feel it is an option for him. I respect his decision and more importantly I am pleased about his honesty - as usually he does everything he can to please others - so it is good that he is able to say what he feels. But there it is - another door closed. I wish I knew how long I would feel this sadness (don't we all!??). I can't be any more gentle with myself, I have all the right people around me, I am truly TRYING to get on, I have positive affirmations posted all over the place but it's like nothing penetrates that 'dark place' and so I remain there. I felt sure that if I just kept going through the motions it would eventually stop feeling mechanical - and I would begin to at least FEEL again! Oh god - I'll stop this drivel - it makes no sense whatsoever - but hey, at least I KNOW I'm not making sense - so I can't be entirely bonkers yet eh????? Thinking of you all. Grace - I looked on the other side for any news from you - but couldn't see any - Did I miss it? I am praying for you honey. Caz and Jo - my heart always skips when I see you posting - I am always hungry for news about you! Becky - I am so delighted that you experienced a genuine pleasure horseriding - we must celebrate the small steps (note to myself!!!!) you remain an inspiration! Claire - I hope this time off work is helpful, enjoy all those lovely pampering sessions - you are most definetly worth it!! Lorraine xxxxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Oct 30, 2003 7:12 pm

Hi Lorraine Listen, you are not talking drivel atall. I can understand where you are coming from perfectly and I will bet all the other girls can too. This is a very, very hard time in your life it is like a bereavemeant and it will take time so don't expect too much of yourself. I know four months seems like a long time, but it is n't. Not when you think of all the time you have spent longing for a baby. In fact four months is nothing. The way you describe the numbness and lack of feeling is very like the way I felt for many months after I lost my father. Closing the IVF door it seems to me is so very like loosing someone we love,after all we are loosing our dreams and hopes for that special someone. I probably am not making much sense either but I do want you to know that I am thinking of you. I think it is so healthy for all of us to be able to share and express our feelings in an open manner like we do. Thanks for your good wishes. I haven't long to go, you might have seen that I am not feeling great. I have decided that after this one I cannot go through this anymore. It has just been too hard. I feel worn out by all of it, emotionally and physically. Keep writing Lorraine, you are going to be fine. With much love Gracexxx

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Thu Oct 30, 2003 9:25 pm

i am so so sorry that this is all happenning. like grace said 4 months isnt anything. when i lost my son back in 1982, i didnt ever think that i would ever get over the loss and all the misery. some how i moved forward. i dont know how. but i just keep remembering that i have. that helps me today. i think we all need to feel all of the different feelings, but we cant dwell on it.i feel like alot of the time that i am fighting for my life. and i truly think that iam. anger , sorrow and pain can and will desrtoy your life. there isnt any thing that is more sad and painful then what all of us have been put threw.but i dont think any of us are quiters or we never would have been able to make it threw ivf. so keep fighting and try and find a smile. love becky

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sat Nov 01, 2003 12:57 pm

Dear Lorraine please, please don't feel disappointed in yourself for being on anti-ds or for feeling this way. I was on them for a while before I started IVF cos of family events etc. Some days I even struggled to get out of bed at all and felt no enthusiasm for anything, so I do know exactly how you are feeling. It all feels like you are just going through the motions and are viewing the world through a glass jar. I know that a number of people who go through or have finished IVF are on anti-ds because it is such a traumatic time, so please do not beat yourself up about it. re the dosage - i tried three different drugs until i found the one that worked for me so upping the dosage may not be the best option. GPs tend to always rely on Prozac or Seroxat but there are lots of others out there which may be more suitable for you. Neither Prozac or Seroxat did anything for me, but Citalopram along with counselling did. I had to ask my GP to put me on it and it worked within 4 days. it's horses for courses but you will find one eventually that makes you feel better. there are support groups for people who are going through depression all over the country. I even started one up myself which is still going strong 2 years down the line. It helps for people to meet other people who are going through it and people who have come out of it. all I can say is it does get better. honest LOL an hugs beckym xxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Mon Nov 03, 2003 12:16 pm

Lorraine - it's me - I wish I could help with something uplifting for you - it's just so hard. My husband and I discussed adoption and he too feels like your DH, that he just wouldnt be able to do it - and like you I admired him for being able to tell me that rather than just going along with something so important, for an easier life. As you know we have been very lucky and all so far is going really well (20 wk scan on wednesday). I have to be honest - I don't know what I'd have done to cope if we'd had another failure but I guess that you have no choice but to deal with it day by day. When we had our failure I felt sad to my core (your "dark place" probably)and to reverse that feeling even in some small way is very hard. You say you feel like a failure but I don't think so at all - you are recongnising that this has been a terrible time for you, which is just fact. Don't expect to have a time limit to suddenly start feeling better (although something in your life might just trigger a recovery - you never know). Keep doing what you're doing, keep communicating with your husband (who sound like he's made of gold by the way!) and you will get to a better place. Keep posting and I'll keep watching out for you - like you, when I see one of my cycle buddies posting I always go to that message first - I'll never forget how we helped each other. lots of love - Jo. XXXXX

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Mon Nov 03, 2003 4:49 pm

Hello Girls, just wanted to say a huge thankyou for your posts - they made me cry! (whats new!!!) I am unable to think of a single thing to say now though as I have just read Grace's news. Totally gutted. Life is so very cruel sometimes. Will come back later. Thinking of you all. Lorraine xxxxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Tue Nov 04, 2003 5:50 pm

hi babe Think about you SO often! read yr post earlier in the week but couldnt reply I totally know where you are coming from and completely understand. I know what we went thru during the Summer and for you it wasnt the 1st time - do you REALISE how strong that makes you? I am REALLY having to persuade myself that I'll be OK doing ICSI again - its SO much harder than you expect before you start isnt it. I really surprised myself by how long it took me to get over it - and even now I find it a struggle to even talk about it without crying Just take time to look after yourself - try to do things you enjoyed before baby thoughts started taking over our lives! I guess what I'm saying it GET OFF THE BABY TREADMILL girl (in your head I mean!) - GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU CANT CONTROL. (kind of giving myself adivce here to! - hope you dont mind) Its a wierd thing - I'm sure like me, you have lots of lovely things in your life, but the lack of baby thing just "infects" everything doesnt it - which is horrid AND STUPID AND AND AND A WASTE OF LIFE. Its weird I should talk about it infecting things , I DID spend about 6 weeks after IVF failed - cleaning and sorting EVERYTHING in my house! mmmm forgotten about that Going back to work has helped a bit - its just taken my mind of babies a BIT (7 am til 6pm , Monday to friday anyway!). BIG HUG Keep in touch Cazxx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Wed Nov 05, 2003 4:59 pm

Hi girls I know I have said it a hundred times before - but thank you - Do you know how much I appreciate you??? I thank my lucky stars that I stumbled upon this site during the summer - I would hate to be without you all now! I have just written a huge post to Lucy so will have to keep this one brief! Becky m - thanks for the advice about the anti D's - will bear it in mind. It took me a long time to make the decision to start them - but now I have I am committed to giving them a chance to work so know increasing the dose/changing them is sensible. (Nurses really do make the WORST patients!!) I am finding counselling a huge help - although it is very hard work - but at last, this session I felt as though I had finally got to the bottom of the emotional pit that I have been pouring out - for the first time I feel as though there is NO MORE - I feel lighter and vaguely optimistic - A DEFINITE FIRST!!! Jo - my goodness where does the time go - is it 20 weeks already?!? Your words are uplifting - and shine a little light in that dark place of mine - bless you. Caz - you are so right about the way in which our hopes and dreams have impacted upon and infiltrated EVERY aspect of our lives. Some of it is deliberate but most is subconscious - it is shocking when I realise now that almost every action/decision I have made in the past 7 years has been influenced by the desire to be a mother. Quite incredible - considering I thought I was MRS Practical - keeping a lid on it!!!!!! Errrr DELUDED! I so hope it is a very different story for you next time - I still go onto the other side to check up on you and I know the difficult decisions you have faced - but you seem to be 'getting there' - keep up the good work! Grace - I will start another thread for you. Becky - I hope you dont mind but I change your words slightly to make a new affirmation for my wall it reads Remember Anger, sorrow and pain can and will destroy your life. You are fighting for your NEW life. So Prepare! I hope it will inspire me every morning to get up and move!!! Love to you all Lorraine xxxxxx [Edited by Lorraine on 05-Nov-03 09:02]

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:11 pm

Hi Lorraine (Caz and Jo), Just popped in to see how you are all doing and caught you all on this thread. I don't really know that to say, and after so long I feel that I shouldn't really be posting this. I've just failed my 3rd IVF attempt! Really gutted. I haven't been posting as I just couldn't summon up the energy to do it this time around (although I've been popping in to see how you all are). We were really hoping this would work this time after having my hyro fixed in August, but not to be. I just don't know whether we will go ahead again. The money side is made even more difficult this time as I've just been made redundant!! But then we always said that money shouldn't be the object (just stick it on the mortgage and worry about it later). I just really don't want to carry on when it just seems like "pot luck". Because they found the hydro after attempt 2 I'm just worried they should be doing lots of tests to rule out anything else and they just aren't. I would rather spend £500 having extra tests and make sure there isn't anything else rather than just carrying on. I'll just have to look into what tests to have - does anyone know? I need to read up on natural killer cells, chromosome test etc. My hospital have also said that they don't do Blastocysts anymore (didn't think it increased the chances) so that was another route that we can't go down. I just feel in real limbo at the moment. Previously I've just got straight on and done it again - but not this time. I really am rambling (must be catching!) - sorry. Anyway, sorry I'll leave it there for now. Lorraine, I hope the sadness lifts to a bearable level soon. Jo, great your pregnancy is going so well - I'll keep looking out for your news Caz, well girl, think we just have to hold hands run and jump over that cliff together for the next attempt. Take care all Love Sharon

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 3:36 pm

Dearest Sharon I am genuinely sorry to hear your news - I had no idea. I do sometimes visit the general forum but only to look for names I know - I never read the cycle buddy threads as I find it too painful (and feel I have nothing constructive to say). But I do think of you often and wonder 'where you are at'. I am so sorry that you feel crushed - yet again - I know you would have had a higher level of expectation and hope after the surgery. It makes me cry to think of all you have been through, I wished for a fairytale ending for the newlyweds. As you know yourself it is to soon to consider your next move - be gentle on yourselves - give yourself time to recover and grieve and only then think about what next. Perhaps then it will be time for those investigations - but until then you must conserve energy ready for that next 'jump off the cliff' as you call it. I wish you well my friend. I will be thinking and praying for you. Lot's of love from Lorraine xxxxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 4:03 pm

Hi Sharon, I'm really sorry you've had another failed cycle, didnt know you were cycling. God its just awful, I can't find words. Can't get my head around just WHY this life has to be so cruel and seemingly random. I do feel great that we have been blessed - I know that it would be wrong not to feel over the moon, which we both do of course. The rememberance of how it is when you are longing with every fibre of your being for a child though, is never far away. It's such a part of you, and over so many years. I know you have so much to think about with regard to trying to assess why the treatment failed, but I applaud you that you are already thinking along the lines of your next go. None of us know when we're going to get that lucky break - there's sometimes no explaining why we suddenly get GOOD fortune either! Will always be looking out for posts from my cycle buddies and wish with all my heart that it comes good for you. Lots of Love, Jo. XXX

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 6:03 pm

Sharon - hello babe -dont be mad - its wonderful to heeear from you As I was replying to Lorraine the other day -I wondered where you where I'm so so sorry about your tmt. And also INCREDIBLY impressed that you put yourself thru in again so soon after what has been a HUGE summer for you. WOW. Poor you - I think I know some of what you're going thru - you were so strong last time -I hope you are coping as well as can be expected now. Poor you....I hope you are having a nice LARGE glass of wine. Its all such a shocker isnt it. MAybe you need to give yourself a bit of a break from it for a few months? is that advice you want to hear? I'm trying again in March - you seem to get on the wagon a bit quicker than me - it'll be a 9 month gap for me (wow - could have had a baby in that time - weird!). What/ when will you do next - plllleeeease keep in touch - but only if you want to! Hi Jo - how are you feeling? Have you got a good bump yet? Hi Lorraine - sounds like your group is a life saver - nothing like that round here - but thank GOD I've got you lot! Take care my friends! Cazxx

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Tue Nov 25, 2003 12:24 pm

Thanks for your messages girls, lovely to hear from you. I have to keep on going with this and jump straight back on - I haven't the luxuary of time - I will be 37 in December and hubby is 45 so we need to keep going straight away - so I guess I'll be back on treatment in January!!! Still waiting to speak to Doctor to see about tests etc. - Just hoping for positive action, I'm just dreading them saying that it's just pot luck again - that's what I can't take, I feel so helpless and need to do something positive. Anyway, Caz - looks like I might be ending as you are starting - I'll let you know my dates and I'll keep and eye on you. Lorraine, your messages always make me cry as they are so lovely! Jo - I'll always be waiting for your big day and like everyone, hope and pray I'll join your side in the near future. Bye for now Love Sharon

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Tue Nov 25, 2003 7:32 pm

Sharon just wanted to pop on and say sorry about the BFN but glad you are back on the horse - I too have a hydro and got pg with it but sadly lost the baby at 20 weeks - (4th go too) - we still await the pm but I am jumping back in the saddle - first ectopic then 2 BFN's and then pg and lost it - I am 37 already and in my rational moments think well 4 goes and worked twice - must be my turn soon. Any support you need I am a finger type away. CAz bags of luck - we are all here for you. Jo you are always in my thoughts as you know. Grace just sent you an email. Love to everyone else Tracey xxx

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Wed Nov 26, 2003 12:35 pm

Tracey, Thank you SO much for your post. When I hear story's like yours I wonder just what I am moaning about, you have my admiration for your bravery. Have you had your hydro fixed? I had my tubes clipped to stop it happening again (it also stops you having ectopic's, obviously I don't know your condition so you might not want such a drastic solution. Anyway, thank you again, I wish you so much luck for anymore treatment you have, and likewise, any support I can give you - just ask. Loads of love and luck S

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