overbearing people

[mommy2be]

I dont know if its just me but Im feeling so overwhelmed and irritated by people who ask me details about my ivf.
By this I mean people I dont know who overheard through my husband (who has a tendency to overshare) who think its funny to assume because we transferred 6 embryos that suddenly we're Jon and Kate +8 and then are disappointed to hear we're only having 1. (thank God!).
I feel like a science experiment and just wish people could treat me like they would any other woman having a pregnancy and wish me well and let it go.
I know Im being sensitive (after all, I am pregnant) but I dont know if any other of you have experienced overbearing people and if so how you dealt with it.

[jenniferdp]

Actually I feel the completely the opposite and I LOVE talking about my IVF experince b/c I feel that many people just don't understand the ENTIRE process, emotionally, financially, etc., andI love educating people through my experinece. Also, I fell like there are still a lot of women who feel ashamed or "les than" by having gone this route, and THAT is simply LUDACRIS. Ladies, this was our choice, and our journey and b/c of it many of us have been blessed with Angels, and many more in the future will be! To go this route requires determination, resilience, endurance, courage and a deep commitmen to wanting to start a family!

I personally applaud each of us!!

[PMApsy]

Hi mommy!

Jennifer, I understand you meant well when you made the point that we shouldn't be ashamed of doing IVF. It's so true! However, mommy2be, you're not talking about being ashamed but being forced to explain that intimate process to strangers because your husband blabbers around a little too much. I also love explaining the whole process and educate people, like Jennifer, but I can assure you I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable if people I don't know came to me with intimate questions and I realized my husband had talked about our IVF treatments with other people without consulting me first. My best friend is VERY private in general, and she really chose the people around her who know she used DS and IUI to become pregnant. She would be mortified if her husband disclosed that information to their friends without telling her, he would be in for MONTHS of "we have to talk" and "why did you do that, it's our private life!".

I understand it's a bit awkward to tell people "I don't want to talk about it" when you don't know them very well and they seem very eager to know. Why don't you just send them right back to your husband? After all, he's the one who knows them, who talked to them without your consent, he knows what the procedure is about. If he feels okay with disclosing the details, he can suffer the consequences of his big mouth. If I were you, that's what I would say. I would play innocent and say something like, "Oh, so XX told you about our treatments? Well, I'm sure he'll be happy to give you more details! Why don't you ask him, dear?"

And lastly, making jokes and comparing you to Jon and Kate + 8 is just plain rude. It's not you being too sensitive, it's them not understanding all the long marathon you went through. I would be FURIOUS to hear them compare me to that couple. It's rude and condescending and ignorant. And I could go on! Jon and Kate + 8 were an ACCIDENT, not the norm for heaven's sake!!! Once we do become pregnant, we CRAVE normality at last. I'm certainly like that; the announcements were hard to make because of the marathon effect. From now on though, I can have a normal pregnancy and so are my interactions with others. Finally!

Hang in there sweetie... I hope you can have a good talk with your husband and make him understand that the repercussions of his behavior really hurt your feelings. Some people, and some practitionners have a hard time considering us normal pregnant women. They treat us like high risk pregnancies even if we're carrying a singleton, they pressure us to do genetic testing because they consider our babies are more at risk of genetic defects. I've heard so many things from friends on this forum, it makes my head turn sometimes. But YOU know, deep down, that your baby is just like any other baby. The things you went through to meet him or her, though, are indeed different than most people, and it can make quite an impression on them.

Either way, I send you a big hug and I hope things get better soon. Take care!

Sophie xxox

[foreverlove]

I would feel the same as you also. I am just now about to take the IVF journey and it would devastate me if people asked about it. If they compare you to Jon & Kate Plus 8 tell them that you would hate to have to go into an extensive detailed explanation that they obviously dont know anything about as Kate got pregnant with IUI and you did not go that route. All that matters is that you are expecting a miracle just like every other pregnant woman.

[Dakota]

I've had the Jon & Kate plus 8 comment before. I get so annoyed that people are so ignorant with the IVF process and they speak of it sometimes that they know it all. It took me a long time to talk DH into IVF so as of right now he is not sharing our journey, but maybe in the furture he is, but if I could I would tell the world. I have blocked tubes, its not like we were not having sex so the only way was IVF. I dont think its anything to be assamed over.

We were at a baby shower recently and alot of people we know are having twins, I've never once come out and asked if they did infertility because of the twins, but I can speculate that being married for over 8-10 years and just now having kids (DH and I 11 years) that there may have been some fertility issues, I would never ask, but some people jump to right to it. Anyway, some guy, who was obviously clueless to IVF started on and on about how stupid it was and unsafe and blah, blah,blah. DH noticed I was getting so upset he had to drag me away, I was .02 secs from ripping him a new one. I just get so upset that people can go on and on when they have no idea.

I know that everyone handles what we went through differently and I dont judge anyone of us on how we talk or dont talk about it, but I feel for anyone who has to put up with ignorant people who think they know the subject.

Take care!!!

[beachbaby]

hi, I don't blame you for being angry and getting upset at people you don't know asking such personal questions. DH and I are both very private people and only a select few friends and family know we did IVF, and the majority we told after we were successful, due to not wanting all the questions of how it was going!!! But my mum is a sharer she will talk to anyone and tell complete strangers our story, drives me crazy but nothing i say seems to stop her, luckily she lives away from me so only see her a few times a year. But i feel as though evrybody knows our story of trying to concieve. I just tell her nicely not to tell people and hope for the best. Getting better now the babies are 3 months old.

Good luck

[tryw8]

mommy2be:

I also don't blame you. People around sometimes can be quite insensitive. As for my DH and I, we vowed not to tell a soul that we were going through treatment. No one knew of my surgeries or IUI or IVF. Absolutely not even my own mom. But when we did get pregnant, we told everyone at 4 1/2 months of the good news. We told everyone we were blessed with a miracle baby and that was all anyone needed to know.

I wish you well.
Karen

[mommy2be]

Thank you so much to the majority of you who can understand the frustration I feel. By no means do I mean to imply that I am ashamed of doing ivf and hope that didnt come across the wrong way.
Its comforting to have support from ladies who can be sensitive to this issue and am thankful for you who have.
Ive had a huge fight with my mom today by asking her very kindly to please ask me first before she sends out a newsletter to the greater new york area about the deatils of my ivf including a picture of my embryos. She now isnt talking to me for ruining her joy. She is an overly sensitive person I cannot say anything I feel to (no matter how gently I do so) and it just makes me sad. Sorry to vent but I know this is the safe place to do so.

[SilverAngel679]

I also can understand what what you mean but unfortunatly it took me a long time to get there.

We've done the IVF thing 3 times now over the last three years and for the most part my husband and I very open people so we talked about it openly with family and friends and at times I've even enjoyed the fact that I could educate people on how hard it is for some people and felt like they understood.
Little did I know that I would be scorned in this way by a very close family member.

After our second round we lost our pregnancy at 14 weeks and for the months after my husband and I grieved and recouped. We saved our money to try again and for the most part people where understanding didn't ask us when the next shot was until about 6 months after when we where at my SIL birthday party.

We where all sitting around and drinking and smoking and my SIL's mom, who I adore, brought it up and asked when we where going to try again.
My husband and I hadn't decided yet so I told her that we wheren't sure.

Well, that opened the whole table up to the discussion of my infertility, my loss, how I should feel and what I should think going in the next time.

My mother in law was the kicker though. In front my SIL's whole family, strangers for the most part that I only saw on special occasions, she voiced her oppinion on how she thought that I should lose weight before the next shot and did I know that it was possible that I had lost the baby because of my weight!!!!!

I was so devistated and mortified taht she had said that that I had to leave the table. As I tried to hold back my tears in the bathroom I realized how much of my life and how much of my pain where out in the open for the world to see and discuss and debate about.

After crying to my husband for 2 days after, He was so understanding and felt the same way and so upset to see how she'd hurt me that he called her and told her that because of all this NO ONE would know from here on in what we where going through.

And that's how it was from then on in. No one knew a single shot I took, or how many eggs they got or anything. I felt such a relief that no one knew and I truely felt like I had a weight lifted off my sholders.

No one knew we where pregnant till 12 weeks and I"ll say this much, I would never do it any other way from here on in because I felt such relief at knowing that if anything went wrong that it would just be me and my husband who cried and I would not have to stand a single phone call from anyone telling me how sorry they where.

I'm sorry to ramble about it all but my point is is that it's really not good to be too open because no matter how nice and helpful people think they're being they can be so hurtful and nieve unless they're someone whose felt it themselves.

[jenniferdp]

So I definitley felt the need to re-post and clarify my opinion, as I feel it has been misinterpreted. I just feel that the more you educate people rather han get upset or irritated the more you help them to understand this process and the more cognizant they become about how they approach you, what they, say etc. I truly believe that most people hav the bet of intentions, they just don't know or understand IVF. All they know is the highly viewed cable show and that is not our reality.

I also have gone through this 4 times and we have gone trough all our money (literally), and I have shared with all of you and my friends and family. I don't regret sharing with them even though at times it got hard was b/c they love me and they know me and the more educated they became, the more a source of strength they became to me.

I totally understand all what you ladies have said here, and really it is a personal decision and some are more private than ohters so it can become irritating....

ANyway, we all approach this the way that works best for each of us.

Have a great weekend.

[Literatriz]

My dear,
People enjoy juicy news, enjoy sharing their useless opinions, enjoy giving unwanted advice for free and making judgements without being invited to do so. They WILL continued to do so after your child is born. Get strong NOW. Learn how to protect yourself and your family against hurtful comments - they won't stop after your baby is born. Use humor and kindness first. If it doesnt' work, go straight to the point: expose the intention of the question instead of trying to answer it.
You may say things like: hey, I never got any details about how YOU got pregnant...tell me about that first! or be plain simple: you know, making a baby is a very private thing and we want to keep that way. I can give you websites and books to read on fertility...I can see you are very interested. Or, "please, let us just enjoy the fact that we are having our child" and move on to topics such as car seats and clothing for the baby.
As for people that are plain rude, you may say: "you know what, we are just having fun as a family. You appear to be worried/bothered/ If you really want to talk about that, let's do it another time. Now I just want to enjoy every one". And move on.
If the person insists, say simply, my doctor told me to avoid stress and conversations like these are very stressful to me. I will be back when I feel better. And leave the room. People will understand.
Come back in 5 minutes with something funny to say and move on
I did some of the above - hope it helps!
Best wishes,
Literatriz

[PMApsy]

Jennifer,
I think your post said it all hun; it's each person's personal decision. However, I have experienced, in my own life and IVF marathon, that educating people doesn't always make them understand you better. They can understand the process better, then can feel sympathy for you. They will keep making mistakes and say something they shouldn't, do something they shouldn't that makes you feel misunderstood and even lonely sometimes. And sooner than later, when their own dramas unfold into their lives, they become far more important than understanding your journey. My own father downsized my three big surgeries, my 4 IVFs and my miscarriage as a "small drama" and me "just having a little trouble having kids" after his wife had an accident that makes her have chronic back pain and changed their lives. He is a doctor, a specialist, and he understands the IVF medical process, and I've also shared with him how it's like emotionally. Now, he discusses my pregnancy only politely, the genuine interest seems elsewhere (his wife's pain). It's just all us being human.

SilverAngel,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can't believe what your MIL told you... incredible... She was unbelievably rude, you must have felt so hurt! I can't believe the silly explanations people come up with... I work with cancer patients, and believe me, I hear strange cause-effect rationales every week. That one will be in my top 10 for sure. You just don't tell people something like that, much less in front of strangers! I'm really sorry it happened that way. *HUGS* I'm glad you got through your first trimester and can now share good news. I hope the relationship with your MIL isn't too difficult now. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! I'm not too far behind you and we'll meet our treasures in the spring!

mommy,
I'm so sorry the relationship is so difficult with your mom. Clearly, this is a sensitive issue and she's not very receptive to criticism. But I think the best attitude for you lies between what Silver and Literatriz said. All those events and unpleasantness do demonstrate how your pain and struggles and privacy are out there for everyone to debate and discuss. You no longer have control over what already went out in the open, and, like Literatriz said, you must prepare yourself to face the consequences of that. People will talk, and people will give advice and make you feel invaded and guilty all the time. When it's not your weight, it's what you buy, the products you choose or the decisions you make. When you have kids, even naturally, people have a 1000 reasons to comment your behavior and decisions, and some are really rude indeed. But you won't be able to control that. You won't be able to shut yourself from the world completely. However, you can have a certain level of control over all the intimate stuff that can come out in the future. After my friend's DH told his mother that she had a urinary tract infection, she gave him such a hard time that he never risked sharing private details about her again. If the main source of the "leak" is your husband, then he must understand all the drama he's causing. That can't go on; the more you advance in your pregnancy, and then when the baby is there, he'll have more and more private stuff to share. You can't stop sharing stuff with him, so he has to adapt his behavior if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure you guys can find a middle ground in there. My two cents, and I'll stop there...

Hugs to all, and baby dust too!

Sophie xxox

[esperanza]

Hello ladies!

I am sorry folks are going through this, but I'm glad that Mommy started this thread. My issues are with my mom. I adore her, she's my mom for goodness sake! BUT she has a lot of issues and she tends to "be the victim" in every situation (I seriously think she has a psychological condition), even if it has NOTHING to do with her. I try to understand her for the most part, specially when she's sick (like she's now), I bite my tongue, etc. The problem is that she's my mom, knows me really well, and knows exactly what to say to cause a reaction in me. Do you know what I mean? she goes to those "sore spots" that will make me feel guilty, angry, or sad...something! I'm sort of used to that, the problem now is that I'm pregnant and I should not be going through unnecessary stressful situations.

Just this evening I had a big fight with her over the phone. She's frustrated because we don't have a house phone. My dh and I decided not to have one because we are trying to cut down in our expenses (we have way too many bills AND we are having a baby), so we decided to stick solely to our cellphone's family plan (it really does work much better for us). She's all the way down in Venezuela so it is cheaper for her to call to a landline than to a cellphone. Well, she insists that it is my dh's plan to separate me from my family, that he doesn't want us to communicate, blah, blah, blah. She's so jealous of him that it becomes annoying to me. The other side of the story is that I do call her about 2 times a week, AND we communicate via internet (e-mail, facebook, messenger). Today she called and left me a message crying saying a lot of things about dh that bothered me so much I ended up crying. I called her to ask her to stop it!!!! of course, she got upset because she thinks I'm being disrespectful (in her eyes I'm supposed to behave like a 10 years old being scold... just listen, look down, and shut up!). She says that because I'm pregnant she'd like to talk with me every day to see how I am feeling, and how the baby is doing. I told her that by behaving that way she's only making me feel bad, which is not good for the baby. It's ironic that she's concerned about my well being (which I can understand!) but can't stop to think about the stress she's causing. agggghhhh, what a dilemma, after all she's my mom and I love her.

Anyway, I just needed to vent with somebody. I don't want to tell DH because he will then get upset. I called my brother, he's great and he listened, thank God I have him.

Thank you for reading, and I'm sorry for the loooong post.

hugs all around.

[Mellie_1233]

SilverAngel, that comment from your mother-in-law must have been so painful. Such an uninformed thing to say. Maybe she even meant well but that is still so inappropriate and just wrong. I have heard people say really wacky things regarding pregnancy and babies even when there is no fertility issue. A woman I work with has a baby with Down's Syndrome and a very nice lady I work with implied once that perhaps it was b/c she didn't gain enough weight when she was pregnant with him. That makes no sense, of course. I mention it just to sympathize with you and to say that you aren't the only one fending of ridiculous and hurtful comments. Hugs to you.

[woodcliff]

You are NOT being overly sensitive!
It is YOUR business. My husband and I talked extensively how we'd handle such questions and decided it was OUR business.
Anyone who dared ask (and there was only 1, believe it or not) got a lovely reply from us:

"Who cares? We're pregnant with TWINS!"

That shut up the nosey one/s.

Frankly, you need to talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Come up with 2-3 "lines" you feed to nosey people re: the "Kate/plus 8" crowd. Then tell him to stick to those lines and not blab your personal business around...
No one, I mean no one, knows how many embryos we transferred...I think that information is SACRED!
CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy