How can I help her now?

Lost Husband · Post by **Lost Husband** » Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:23 am

My wife and I have been seeing a fertility specialist for the last 5 years. However, we have recently decided to stop trying due to numerous complications and disappointments which included my wife almost dying in May of last year due to complications following a D&C. I guess I should give a brief history of what we’ve been through before I finally get to my question. My wife has been diagnosed with endometriosis, PCO, an incompetent cervix, reoccurring fibroid tumors and most recently MTHFR (a DNA malformation that prevents the absorption of folic acid). She has undergone six surgeries, five Directed IUI’s, four IVF Cycles, five embryo transfers, two miscarriages and one premature stillborn birth at 25 weeks. I waited for her to make the decision to stop because I didn’t feel it was my place to deny her another shot at motherhood. If she had not made this decision then I would have because of the risk factors involved. I’ve always told her that I can live my life without the two of us having a child but I could never live my life without her. I’ve been by her side 100% of the time. We live 6 hours round trip from our doctor and I’ve been with her for every single doctors appointment and stayed with her every night she’s spent in the hospital. The decision to stop has really impacted both of us and I can’t seem to find the right words to comfort her. So my question is, how can I help her now?

gi · Post by gi » Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:47 pm

Oh i am so sorry for what you and your wife have been thro. it has been a long and devasating road and its heartbreaking when we finally have to make the decision to stop esp. in your case as it was putting your wifes health at risk. This is going to be a difficult time for both of ye as your future plan has now changed, i have only been thro a fraciton of what ye have been thro. but from my experience i just wanted time to myself and if i needed a cuddle or shoulder to cry on j was there. No words can comfort your wife she needs to get her head around the idea of stopping. I have to admit i am in tears writing this (prob my hormones I am back on the stims 7th attempt!!) but the thoughts of actually stopping is heartbreaking. Your wife needs to grieve all her losses and only then will she move on. Is adoption an option for ye? You sound like such an nice couple and any child would be blessed to have ye as your parents. Maybe when your wife feels up to it have a long talk.

I really hope and pray ye get thro. this difficult time and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

gi xxx

Lost Husband · Post by **Lost Husband** » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:14 am

Thank you so much for your response. I really hope everything works out for y'all. I wouldn't say that we've been thru more than y'all have because anyone that's been thru more than one failed attempt knows that it never gets any easier. I truly admire your dedication. We have discussed adoption in the past but right now my wife is not ready to pursue that option. If in the future she changes her mind then I'll be right by her side. I would never try and presure her into it though because I never want her to think that being a mother is something that is required or expected of her. Thanks again and I wish the best for y'all.

Hope644 · Post by **Hope644** » Thu Feb 11, 2010 6:59 pm

Lost -

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your wife. You are right, anyone who has been through more than 1 failed attempt can sympathize with others who are also struggling or are deciding to turn the page on this chapter of their lives. I wish there were a perfect answer for what to do now or how to help her... but just like a death - ending the process must be grieved... by her - and by you.

It sounds like you are a wonderfully supportive and loving husband. She is extremely blessed to have you - and you her, I'm sure. Remember to take the time you need to be still, be quiet, to cry and to scream if you want to - and hold her and be with her when she needs you then... Just don't forget your own grief in the midst of being her supporter and protector... take care of you too.

Much love and many prayers coming your way...

not hopeless yet · Post by **not hopeless yet** » Mon Mar 22, 2010 12:21 pm

I have to tell you that you sound just like my husband... he says he can live life without children but not without me. However, he does put his foot down and say he doesn't want to do IVF again it leads us to fight about whether to continue this infertility journey because I"m not ready to say "that's it!"

I want to thank you for sticking by your wife and making the sacrifice to drive so far to appointments. I also want to tell you that I know what your wife is going through and all the ideas she must weigh in her mind when deciding if this the end or not. I never wanted to say I was "done" because not saying we were done meant there was still a chance out there... I didn't think we'd do a 3rd round of IVF. Heck, I didn't think we'd ever do it once!

But after each failed IUI and IVF I couldn't face the fact that hubby and I would never have something that was our "own" that looked like us, was smart and cute and we could teach them everything... sometimes I hope I can feel bonded to a child if we decide to adopt, but I know adoption isn't for everyone. I think letting things settle down before making a decision is best. And I think in light of your wife's recent scare after the D&C you can broach the subject from the angle that it really is life-threatening at this point and you've tried your best. Geez, you've been through the wringer!

I wish you both the best of luck,
Brenda

jenice · Post by **jenice** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:47 pm

You sound like a wonderful husband. I do have a DD and couldn't imagine life without her, but I was fortunate and didn't have to do IVF years ago. Now we try to have another and no luck so far. I've had 2 cancelled cycles, one failed and a miscarriage from IVF. I also have had numerous surgeries, they do play a toll on your body and soul.I recently had a hysteroscopy that didn't go well @ all, I was in alot of pain and I thought "what the hell am I doing to myself ?" I know the end of the road is near for DH and I. I would loooove to adopt if we can afford it. If I didn't have my DD I would of had no choice and I know I would have adopted. I know for myself I HAVE to have kids, never thought about life without them.I had family that had a bunch of their own kids and adopted to give their daughter a sister even.Good luck in your decision with what ever you decide. Just know that sometimes our journey to becoming parents can take a different path, but in the end you can still be a parent. Easier said then done, I know !!!!!!!!!! Give your wife some time to heal mentally and then you will be able to have a loooong talk about everything. Good luck

PMApsy · Post by **PMApsy** » Wed Mar 24, 2010 2:10 pm

Hi there,

I think everyone wrote beautiful things and I hope they will both help you and your wife. I, too, had numerous surgeries, a miscarriage, and the "almost dying" part is what made me unable to conceive on my own. So I can identify with and understand your wife's resolve. You just keep your eyes on the goal and no matter what goes wrong, there is always something that makes you hope and think "next time might work!!!" And that's what keeps you going. Making the decision to stop trying, giving up, is an incredibly difficult decision to make. You're giving up the chance that next attempt might have given you the child you've been suffering for, waiting for, hoping for. You'll never know if next time would have done it.

I remember that that long marathon took its toll on me. All the way through my first trimester, I felt a bit numb, emotionally. That numbness took several months to subside. It's like a mental and emotional tiredness that takes time to heal. In my humble opinion, as an IVFer and a psychologist, I would say that following your wife's rythm (be there to listen when she needs to talk, respect her bubble when she wants to be alone, participate when she's in the mood to change her mind and start a new project, etc.), doing compassionate listening instead of problem solving, and giving her time to recover from her marathon is the best thing you can do for her. Try to make her define and understand exactly what she is giving up by making the decision to stop. It might seem obvious, but it's different for each individual. And of course, you have to take care of yourself too. Do watch for signs of depression both in you and her: loss of apetite/weight, over/undersleeping, tiredness, irritability, lack of concentration, loss of interest in the things you usually like, recurrent sadness or crying. If a few of these symptoms last for more than two weeks, you should either see your GP, or make an apt with a licensed psychologist.

My two cents. Above all, I'm truly sorry that your wife and you had to go through so much pain. I have cycled along several people here, and some were never able to conceive. Some chose to adop, some chose to stop there. They all had to go through a healing period. But after that, they rediscovered other aspects of their lives and found happiness there. I wish the very same (happiness and peace) for the both of you.

Sophie xxx

Lost Husband · Post by **Lost Husband** » Wed Apr 07, 2010 6:11 am

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words and support. It really is amazing that people I've never met can care so much about our situation. Marilyn Monroe once said "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". Well that's exactly what has happened to us. My best friends younger sister (31) came to me and ask to be a gestational carrier for my wife and I. She has 3 children now with her husband and they have decided their family is complete. She said that this is a mission God has given to her and has been trying to figure out a way to bring it up for about 9 months. Anyway we have our first appointment on Thursday April 8th. I'keep y'all updated on our progress. Thank You to all of y'all for the support and words of encouragement.

not hopeless yet · Post by **not hopeless yet** » Wed Apr 07, 2010 11:05 am

That is unbelievable great and I wish you both a lot of luck tomorrow!

Stephanieford78 · Post by **Stephanieford78** » Wed Apr 07, 2010 11:58 pm

What an amazing story! I read your post and was crushed, just to come to the bottom and see our good news! I hope everything works out for you. I am sure your best friend's sister is your saving grace! Thank heavens for her gift! I hope to hear the updates on this as they happen and in 9 months the news that you have your little miracle in your arms! Good luck!

angelaezra · Post by **angelaezra** » Thu Apr 08, 2010 12:03 am

Lost Husband wrote:Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words and support. It really is amazing that people I've never met can care so much about our situation. Marilyn Monroe once said "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". Well that's exactly what has happened to us. My best friends younger sister (31) came to me and ask to be a gestational carrier for my wife and I. She has 3 children now with her husband and they have decided their family is complete. She said that this is a mission God has given to her and has been trying to figure out a way to bring it up for about 9 months. Anyway we have our first appointment on Thursday April 8th. I'keep y'all updated on our progress. Thank You to all of y'all for the support and words of encouragement.

I am so very happy for you and your wife. I have been following your story for quite some time. You are an amazing husband and it sounds as though your wife is also! God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for you! Please keep us updated!

Angela

Lost Husband · Post by **Lost Husband** » Thu Apr 08, 2010 5:02 am

Once again thanks and I'll definitely let y'all know how things are going.

PMApsy · Post by **PMApsy** » Thu Apr 08, 2010 12:15 pm

THIS IS AMAZING NEWS!!!! Congratulations, what a wonderful gesture!

I'm so happy for you all, and I wish you the best of luck!

:D:D:D