Heart’s Desire – Finding Strength and Direction from God

[IndieBlue]

What a great thread I'm new here, really just starting to think about IVF. I had my tubes tied 12 years ago and have NEVER regretted it...we always said if we wanted more children we'd adopt. Well, this past year we were really led to adoption. We followed God's leading and we were lead through so many trials but finally we ended up exactly where God wanted us to be and we finalized the adoption just a few months ago. We decided to adopt older children....although not nearly as old as we'd initially set out to adopt , still we know it was God's plan that led us to our children.

Anyhow, now I find myself just sick that I'm not able to have another child...what's wrong with me!!! I keep praying that God will show me why I have this feeling and either help me overcome it, or show me where he's leading me by having these desires of the heart. It's so odd to have these feelings after 12 years....and never ever having second thoughts about my tubal procedure.

While both my husband and I had the same feeling on adoption, the drive to have another birth child seems to be a joke to him at this point....he said he just can't see me going through a rough pregnancy again...etc. He just called home from work though and started joking with me though, saying he would rub my poor swollen feet and that I'd have to start taking it easy...etc. Soooo funny, NOT!!!

I have called my local RE and gotten a package price...etc. Still, it seems so out of reach. God just made things happen with the adoption, and doors aren't opening like that with this dream...so I'm still unsure of why I'm having these feelings. I'm only 33, and have donated eggs before (although they haven't told me if I was a proven donor so I'm unsure if they created a pregnancy).

Ugghhh, why am I having these desires and why now.

[nicaliw]

It seems like I'm not alone after all. Ever since we started the IVF process I have felt a litte guilty. I felt as though I was not placing enough trust in God'd hands that he can provide a child for my DH and I if it is His will. At the same time I felt so torn by the knowledge that statistically the number of sperm my husband produces are unlikely to ever impregnate me without intervention. Yet, God could make that happen if he desires......so here I go again, still going back and forth. Does anyone else feel this way? I wonder if I can find peace from this feeling?

Hi IndieBlue, welcome. Sounds like you're struggling a little to figure out your next step. I hope this becomes clear to you so you can move on to whatever God has planned for you.

Hope.....funny how we keep bumping into each other (unless there's another person with a similar name). I'm sure its no accident. Your prayer is beautiful. I so appreciate you sharing that. I am excited that my beta is dropping. I asked my RE if I could skip waiting a month after AF arrives. He said no, of course, but no biggie, he knows what he is doing and I know its all part of God's plan.

MP, I like your point about poor vision. I definitely feel better about doing IVF when I read that. I have thought about that before, too, how with any other medical problem most of us still go to a doctor and ask for their expert help with our problem. Why should IVF be any different? Its not going to change God's plan and He already knows we are going to do this.

Princess. Glad you could see the humor on my message last night. I am able to step back and realize that this all has to be for some good reason and much worse things could happen. Today I ended up going to the oral surgeon to get my holes checked out. I was in SO much pain again. They flushed out some food. It was so gross, I was so disgusted. They assured me that happens to everyone who has gaping holes in their gum but I still got grossed out and I'm a nurse! So, now I have this syringe deal with a bent tip to squirt in my holes....yuk. Is this your first IVF cycle?? How are you feeling? When is you offical test day?

OK, I feel like my hubbie feels a little neglected as I sit here typing away and not paying him any attention. He so deserves my time, he's so good to me so I gotta go now.

God Bless ALL of you lovely ladies

nikki

[Hope644]

Welcome Indie! Glad you've joined us!! We'll be praying for you, that God will lead you to know why you are having the desires you are having and that He will show you where He wants you to go from here. Infertility is never easy when you long to have a child...

Hi to the rest of the gang!! I hope you're hanging in there and having a good day!

I have a very simple, short verse that gets right to the point of our struggle... Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God.

Hugs to you all!

[Hope644]

Hi Nikki-

Yes, it's me, one in the same. I know what you mean about feeling guilty and placing our baby hopes in God's hands... I knowingly married a man whom I knew had had a vasectomy and knew that he didn't want anymore children (he has 3). I sometimes feel like, well, I knew all this before - maybe I made my bed in which I now have to lie... I know it's not the same - but I think it's very normal for us to wonder "How much do we take into our own hands? And when we do, are we taking it out of God's hands?"

I think MP has an excellent point with poor vision. I think we must act as strong warriors of God. He has given us the ability to tackle our problems from two sides - take action and pray! I read an article today on a study that was done in China, I think. Regarding prayer and IVF. There is tons of controversy surrounding it, as the lawyer involved was later convicted of a felony... but I think the important part is (regardless of any study results - which had higher fertility rates for the group who had received prayer, btw) is that prayer does make a difference in everything we do - including IVF/IUI, etc.

I heard a sermon once on Matthew 7:7 - but it was a different approach than I'd heard before. We've all read and heard many times...

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

The pastor related the verbs to progressive steps of action. Asking is important but doesn't require much energy on our parts. Seeking is good as it implies that we search for the goal. But knocking requires that we stand up and actively pursue the goal.

God bless you all...

[waitingforMia]

Indie: I know how hard it is to have conflicting desires with dh. I prayed a lot that God would align our desire's to His, and believe he can do that for you and dh. 21 is very early to have your tubes tied! Sometimes just the thought that we can't have something makes us want it, you know? Congrats on your adoption!! That is wonderful!

Nikki: I always pray that God would make me pregnant ONLY if that is His will. Because I don't want to be out of His will. I know He knows my heart and my intentions - as He does yours.

Hope: I love the breakdown of the verse!! Thanks.

Well girls, I will pray for each of you this evening. Thanks for your prayers as well!

MP

[IndieBlue]

Thanks for the warm welcome And yes...21 was early to have my tubes tied and I didn't even pray about it! That is another one of my issues....I never prayed and never took the time to seek what God would have me do....I just did it. Had 2 children in 2 years and I was just exhausted and felt like I was done. We were in a bad place financially, young and just starting out. Both working full time and as I said, we both agreed we'd adopt if we wanted more children.

While I've thought of the old idea of wanting something you can't have. I've been sterilized for 12 years....why didn't I want a baby all that time? I've had family and friends all have babies in that time and never had an inkling of wanting another one.

Sometimes I think that God didn't put these feelings in my heart until we'd completed the adoption, as he wanted those children in our lives first. Seriously, I doubt I would have followed his leading to adopt if I had 3 bio children....so who knows what his plan was and why I'm having these desires.

I'll pray for you all, as life changes so do our priorities and I've seen that so many times in my own life. Often we do things in our youth that we think are exactly what we want only to find later in life that we've grown out of that phase or things change that are out of our control that alter our circumstances as well.

Through it all, we know that God has a plan for us....and in that we can feel secure Whatever he has in store for me and my family I am happy with and just want to use all our experiences to bring him glory if that includes another child....great if it just includes overcoming this point in my life and feeling peace and happiness in what I already have....that's wonderful and great too

[IndieBlue]

WaitingForMia: I just wanted to comment on your statement that you only pray for God's will. That is exactly what I feel like. That old saying 'be careful what you wish for' comes to mind when I pray for a clear leading in IVF. I do not want to go against his will and set out on my own....I can only imagine what would come of that.

While I didn't seek his leading when I had my tubal done, sometimes I think that maybe this is my lot in life, my burden to carry since I didn't ask him before doing it. Maybe I'm supposed to suffer and be barren because of that decision. But I would never go through with IVF unless I got a clear leading from him....I often think of the horrible outcomes if I were to do that.

So I'm glad to see someone else is only praying for this if it's HIS will!

[waitingforMia]

Indie: Though I think we should be mindful of God's discipline in our lives, I find it hard to believe that IF is a punishment for you for that decision. And seems unproductive. I try to see my IF as an opportunity to minister to others and to praise God not only when he gives me everything I want, but when I am in despair too.

In order to look at the positives of my childlessness I cling to Isaiah 54:1-5:
"Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud , you who have not travailed ; For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous Than the sons of the married woman," says the LORD. "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; Lengthen your cords And strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations And will resettle the desolate cities. Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your husband is your Maker , Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth.”

God promises us that the barren women will have more children than the ones who are able to conceive and give birth. How can this be? If we stop looking from our earthly perspective and open our eyes to His perspective: Physical barrenness at any age provides a great opportunity for SPIRITUAL OFFSPRING!

Hope this encourages my sisters today!

Peace, Love, and Baby Dust ,
MP

[IndieBlue]

What a great passage Thanks for sharing. And I'm not saying that God is punishing me...I'm saying that I brought this on myself, having a Tubal without praying for his input...etc.

Now I also know that we can do things without his input and he still guides us to his path again, I've done that many many times in my life and he always gets me back on track So I'm praying for that now...maybe IVF is exactly where he's leading me....all of us!

I can't wait to hear about your journeys and hope that I'll be able to share a IVF journey myself!

[PrincessB]

Wow- I was one day and I've missed a bunch! This is awesome that we've found one another.

Waiting for mia- The way I feel oabout ivf and any other medical need is that God can heal us and he also gave other people the power to heal. I believe that it is God's will that we be healed through doctors and medine. Not all healings are miraculous. If someone has cancer they get the treatment they need. I think that God has a hand in all of that. I hope this helps you a little. I try not to care about what other people say. This is between me and God. Only He knows what's in my heart and how hard I've struggled.

I was planning to do personals but DH just asked me to help with something. i will be back in a bit. Thinking of you all!

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Hope, thank you so much for your beautiful prayer. It means a lot.

WaitingforMia - what an awesome passage, very powerful and encouraging...

[PrincessB]

yes hope, your prayer was beautiful. I appreciate it sooo much. I am thinking of you and will remember each of you in my prayers tonight.

Much love!

[Hope644]

Good Evening Ladies -

Just a quick note to say I'm thinking of you and you're still in my prayers.

Mia - I love the scripture... very powerful passage! I am going to share it with my sister (47, no children - wants one dearly, but afraid to try due to age) I think she will truly appreciate it.

Hugs and prayers to you all.

[Hope644]

Mia- Prayers for God's will, for healthy follies and a safe, fruitful ER on 1/28
Weezie - Prayers for healthy follies and a safe, fruitful ER on 1/28
Angela - Prayers for the upcoming FET - Jan 08
Nikki - Prayers for healing after M/C, lowering betas and recovery after wisdom teeth removal as well as strength in the upcoming cycle
Indie - Prayer for God's will and direction regarding IVF
Princess - Prayer for strength in the 2ww and for the implantation of two beautiful embies! Test Day Friday 1/18
Hope - Prayer for healing after M/C and strength in the upcoming cycle

[Hope644]

Other threads have update posts, I thought we should have a prayer list post! Feel free to update or send me specific prayer requests (or changes to the ones I've listed) that you would like to include on our very own little prayer list posting.

Sleep tight...