Makin' "something" out of Nothin' :-)

[Sunshine1576]

Still no sign of AF...Took HPT this morning but came back neg. Thinking I've officially started menopause... Seriously this is not normal!

[Sunshine1576]

Still no sign of AF!
Took a hpt this morning but it came back negative...
Driving me crazy b/c I know the morning pee is usu most accurate, so I will try again tomorrow?
I have felt extremely tired today and done nothing but gone to church and slept the rest of the day. I just got up!
Will have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. My husband thinks I should wait a couple more days and then test again how can anyone wait that long?

[Sunshine1576]

I'm totally down tonight! My brother and his wife are at the hospital the very moment I'm typing this message...The baby is coming and it's very bittersweet. She and I were only one week apart before I miscarried and I know there is no one to blame but I cannot help but feel down tonight. I keep wondering if I should even come home for Christmas this year. It's all going to be about them anyway, nobody would probably even notice if we didn't make it. I wish there was something we could do, but I am doubtful at this point that anything will work. Even on the way home tonight, I felt like running away from everything completely, but then I start to thing how selfish I'm being and how it wouldn't be fair to my family. Okay, I'm usually not this way, but I'm so tired of feeling left behind and watch everyone around me move forward with families. What would I give just to have that opportunity? My husband won't even consider adoption....Says we are not quite there yet. But why does this have to be soooo hard? I cannot take much more of this, I really can't!

[Sunshine1576]

Could IVF really be affecting my job????
Yesterday, my boss told me my numbers were down at work Sept/Oct compared to August transactions. Reminded him that I took vacation around the 1st wk in Oct., and so I wasn't there and then I had the IVF treatment. Apparently the monitoring and everything affected my work and I didn't realize it until yesterday. I wish I knew what to do, because my dh wants to go through treatment again in Feb. and I know my boss will not understand, he never did everytime I asked him for a little longer lunch hour. But I was always honest and direct with him and never called out during any of the treatment. I had to take an extra day off before my vacation started for the ER, and I told him 2 days before that it looked like it would be on Friday instead of the following week. He was on my case that day and I reminded him that I had given him a tentative schedule outlining when IVF would be, but it was hard telling him exactly when the embryo retrieval. My doctor kept changing the days, based on my levels and monitoring of course. It was so stressful, that I know I could not go through this again with my boss. Right now I'm really trying to save money, but deep down inside I feel I need to be looking for a more flexible job, I really do, but than again job-hunting is stressful to-- as well as learning a new job is! My sister-in-law (who also went through IVF) suggested that I take a month off, but my boss is not flexible and taking more than my vacation time would not be feasible. For now, I'm praying for a miracle to happen, maybe winning the lottery would help. lol

[Sunshine1576]

Last night my dh and I talked about the upcoming holidays....whether or not we wanted to go home this Christmas. A BIG decision to make, but deep down I know if it was the other way I would want my sister -in - law to come home too. I am happy that IVF worked for them, deeply I know they went through so much. It's just hard not to be a little sad that in one week I would of been at the hospital bringing home a baby too...

I cannot dwell on the past, only best to try to move forward I know. That's why dh wants me to call our clinic back to let them know we are wanting to start IVF treatment at the end of January (well whenever cycle starts). He told me if this doesn't work we'll make our 3rd attempt sometime this summer, and I said if the 3rd time doesn't work then what? He said he'll sell his new truck and use that money toward another cycle. I said then what, the house? I said at what point can we look at adoption? He said we'll not ready to talk about that right yet... The doctor still thinks we have a shot at having children, but I feel so vulnerable at times!

Oh about the truck, I did tell him I would never sign the papers (co-jointly) to let him sell the truck. He said he would do anything to make me happy, I said you already have by just being here, but I'm not about to let you give up something that you worked so hard for!

[Sunshine1576]

Well today at work, my boss gave me a promotion with little bonus, right before he leaves the branch for his vacation. He will be gone for one week, which personally I love so we can pretty much run the place while he is away-- with less tension. But he gave us goals before he left and he told me about the job promotion, but I cannot let the others know until he gets back. It almost makes me think maybe he's doing this to modivate me to work harder while he is away? But the truth is I don't need the additional stress! Seems like I've always put work before family throughout my eleven years of marriage and maybe waiting over a decade to do something about it is my biggest downfall. But when people ask I simply tell them we wanted to be more stable and when they ask me directly if we have any kids, I usually tell them I have two four-legged children, but I never tell them "the spill" or share with them like I do here.

It's ironic that I have one neighbor who lives on the right, that got pregnant 5 months after she married in her early twenties, while he husband works 3rd shift and attends college finshing his degree working endlessly hard. But then I have the neighbor to my left, who has been married 14 years who wanted the nicer lifestyle but then had trouble conceiving. Age might be the factor, but we also know our options are endless when it comes to having a family someday.

What's kind of ironic though is throughout our life we ALL will struggle in life one way or the other. The newly-weds with baby usually are the ones who STRUGGLE with making ends meet and paying the bills. While the ones like myself who waited, but feels stable (she thinks), is the one who STRUGGLES in having the completion of a family. What I'm trying to get at is we all do struggle.. I really don't think the grass is necessary GREENER on the other side. I think it's possibly EVEN muddy, but we don't see that since we have this perspection that their life is better, when honestly it's not. I have learned getting mad, angry to busting my halloween pumpkins, yet doing nothing directly about it will not solve a single thing. It's the art of patience, the skill of chemistry, the piece of the puzzle that fits so perfectly...but more than anything I believe we shouldn't have to go through this alone. More than anything we there are a whole lot of avenues out there for us to explore.

*Sometimes, those STRUGGLES in life are what makes us STRONGER...We begin to see things in a new light and it might even take us down a different path. But I feel IF we hold on to our dreams and keep them alive so close to our heart, we will find the best way to make it happen. We just cannot lose focus on our dream, our future!

[kynlee]

Sunshine- I just found this thread that you started sorry I didnt join it sooner, I just noticed in your original message you were talking to me and I had no idea lol... net time you start a thread and want me to join inbox me Maybe we should start one for 2011 the baby making year SO I read your Journal here and we are in alot of the same situations... My DH also wont think about adoption right now, he wants to keep trying with IVF... My Dr also said that IVF was better then IUI for me and my job is not flexible when it comes for taking time off... I never call out I am always the one to stay late if they need me but god forbid I need a extra day off.... They have no clue what I am going through but they make a big deal when I ask to come in late or leave early for a appt, so now I go at 6;30am for my u/s and bloodwork so I dont have to ask till I need the extra time for ET or ER... As for you having to watch your SIL have a baby I know its hard for you especially cause you were both due at the same time but it WILL happen for you soon I just know it I know the feeling of having to watch everyone else get pregnant or start there familys and you are still waiting on your turn, I Get sad and find myself crying cause I just want it to happen.... I am trying to stay positive to get me through this tough journey.... Its nice to find people on here that you can connect with cause you are going through the same thing,no one understands this process unless they have been here... I am glad you starting this thread so you can vent, it helps to be able to get all your feelings out and there are so many people on this board that help through this experience...

[Sunshine1576]

You know, this forum is a great little spot to vent and let all those emotions out, otherwise we would of lost our minds a long time ago! I think each of us plays a special role in making a difference with the IVF experience, but that's why we have each other, and I am thankful we found so many good friends here!
Kynlee, let's start that Babymaking in 2011 board and you know I will be right there all the way through your journey!
Cheers to a new year, fllled with new friends, many blessings and much happiness- Sunshine

[kynlee]

Sunshine- I agree this is a great place to vent... I enjoyed reading your Journey on this Thread, This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through so meeting so many Strong Women doing IVF helps... I feel like I made some really good friends during this process... Since we are both starting at the same time and have been friends on other threads I would like to followed eachother through to the end, I just no we will be pregnant together this time I think I will be starting Meds between Jan 30- Feb 2nd if AF comes right on time.... So Maybe the Feb Thread would be the right spot...

Sdtrying#2- Hello maybe will meet up on one of the 2011 Threads... Best of luck through the IVF journey

[Sunshine1576]

I just learned (the hard way) we cannot go eat, watch an episode and then come back to finish writing a blog because you will get kicked out and have to log back in. Oh well, so much for multi-tasking and hopefully I can regroup in paraphrasing what I had before. SDtrying I really liked your comment "Barefoot and Pregnant" makes me want to kick off my shoes and maybe try the drinking game while I'm at it. All if this makes me vulnerable at times to try anything, but it's good to have a sense of humor even if it's warped, right?

No seriously, we are looking at trying another round of treatment around January 30th, but my doctor wants dh to try one more S/A (poor thing, I know) to see if the vitamins he's taking are helping. If they are proven to be productive, we might even look into an IUI instead. I wish more than anything my insurance covered IVF, but my doctor did mention discounting our next cycle. It could never hurt, to ask the doctor that since this isn't guaranteed, could he maybe offer you a price reduction?

[kynlee]

Sunshine- That is awesome if they give you a discount for IVF, I wish My place did that... I went to the Health store today to get my DH some vitamins so I figured maybe By end of Feb when I have ET he will be better then he was the first round... She gave me a MUlti Vitamin, Vit E Vit C and flax seed oil She gave me all the write ups on each and what they will work for... And she said Fresh SUnflower seeds are good for him too so I have him snacking on those... Got to try aything to see if it helps... I am looking forward to 2011 when we are Big And Pregnant

[Sunshine1576]

Kynlee,
How funny about the sunflower seeds. I had no idea, yet dh has been hooked on them for months! Seriously I thought it was a bad addiction, maybe not? I also heard oysters and cucumbers are good for zinc! With our help, we'll have them turned into SUPERMAN in no time! I also heard no hot-tubs and briefs Are we thinking lots of silk boxers for Christmas this year?

[kynlee]

Sunshine- I will have to get my husband cucumbers I didnt know that would help funny about the silk boxers, I think if I gave my DH those he would pull the IVF plug, lmao What we would do to get them to be superman, just glad they arent kicking and screaming and they are actually listening I thought for sure when I brought 4 bottles of Vitamins home and the pumpkin seeds he would of said what the heck, but he smiled and said when do I start So he is starting al vitamins tomorrow... What do you have your DH on?

[Sunshine1576]

Kynlee,
Our doctor recommended vitamin A and E, but well see how that goes when his test results come back.
My dh asked me not to buy him anything this year, but it's not Christmas if I don't have something under the tree for him. He then said let's set a $20 limit, but he's the sentamental one and knows how to buy the gift that fits the person so perfectly without considering the price. I really should let him do all the shopping. Deep down we both know what we're saving up for and in a long run it's going to be worth it

[kynlee]

Sunshine- Believe me DH and I decided not to uy anything for eachother this year and I keep seeing things for him but he made me promise not to cause we are saving for the next IVF cycle... I figured i bought a Sexy Santa outfit so Ill surprise him with that for his gift You could always do something like that wear a bow and you can be his gift at no cost ANd I am sure he will love it what guy wouldnt...