It finally happened to me...

[annashope]

Girls I completely agree. Over the years I have always kept my mouth shut and always smiled and celebrated with my friends. I have never missed a single baby shower no matter how painful it was for me to sit there and feel like "wow this is how easy it is for the rest of the world" worse of it is that I come from a pretty pro-choice family (they have gotten better over the years) But for me (I am and always have been devoutly pro-life) to hear one grandmother say that she had 7 abortions and another more than 10 and to see my entire family's approach to pregnancy as that terrible accident which lurks behind every corner has made this so unbearably difficult. My mom, aunt and grandma and I used to be literally best friends and the last 3 years have destroyed that friendship and it has been so painful. I am not saying that I don't understand that there are two sides to every story I am just saying that people behave toward me (and probably all of us) in an insensitive fashion that I have never allowed myself. about 7 years ago my mom's best friend was having infertility issues. Her issue was that she could not carry a baby to term. When I found out about this (I was 22) I sympathized immediately. I remember sitter there and my heart just hurt for her. So I offered to be a surrogate for her without hesitation. (Our infertility is male factor) So I can imagine what it is like on the other side. However all of our friends and family know exactly what we are going through and all of my requests and discretion and sensitivity are always shot down with really cold and mean remarks. After the last family gathering where everyone felt the need to turn an entire dinner conversation into a discussion about my sister's pregnancy I afterward kindly asked my grandmother if they could show a bit of sensitivity-meaning "Everyone knows when my sister is due because we WERE both due the middle of March so what is the sense in asking her over and over across the dinner table. My grandmother's only reply was "What just because you can't make a baby does that mean you sister should not go on with her life?" That really hurt and it was not at all what I was asking for. Next knowing that I had always dreamed of having a baby girl named Laila they convinced my sister to name her baby that and when I asked why they didn't even talk about it with me they all said "well but who knows if you will ever have a baby but your sister is having one now!" Ugh this sorta stuff just burns me up and that is all I am talking about. I have grown tired of every teenage friend of my sisters' who gets knocked up "by accident" and then is dragged to my house for comfort because I am the nice understanding older sister and will hold the hand of any girld who is distraught that she is pregnant.

Karenvancouverisland I am completely with you and I understand. I hurt so bad on the inside and NO for me it is not a choice whether to be positive or negative-the negative is happening on its own I just fight for a few minutes of positive I can get. All I and DH since we were little have ever wanted was a big family not 1 or 2 kids but 4 and this has been the most painful gut-wrenching journey I have ever experienced and I have live a pretty scary life (child refugee of war, divorced parents, abusive first husband, cancer, single parent through college) and yet this sets my soul on fire and it hurts when people will not give me the courtesy I would absolutely give them. Sorry for writing a novel but I understand what Marcy is saying I just don't think its that simple.

[to_have_fun08]

Believe me I have BTDT with all of this. My BIL girlfriend is on her last days of pregnancy and pretty much at any family gathering that is what I hear about. If my March IVF would have worked we would have been a week apart. My MIL is thrilled this is their first grandchild, which i am happy for them but really I couldn't care one ounce of what cute little think you picked up for the kid. Thankfully, my BIL and his girlfriend know what we have gone through so I believe they have tried to keep the baby talk to a minimum. One of my good friends just had a baby in Aug. My friend says to my husband that we need to some over and visit the kid more often. oh yey just what I want to do go visit a 3 month old that either shits, eats, sleeps or cries. Just what I had in mind for a Saturday night.

The thing we have to remember the most and it is one of the hardest things to remember is that having a child is not the only thing in life. Having great family, friends, a good job, good time and enjoy life counts. We all need to look back and be grateful for what we do have then what we don't. Also and I might offend people here and I am sorry for it, here is my jealousy coming out, but those of you that do have children, there are a million gals that would love to be lucky enough to have one child. Most can't even fathom on affording to do infertility treatment. Not saying that you don't deserve another child or that your hurt is any less. Life is always different in another persons shoes.

[karenvancouverisland]

hmm.. yea, i have to say i've been thinking lots about this thread since your reply macsi... and yes, anger and jealousy don't serve me well.. but i do try to use this place as where to 'get it out of me', so that i don't have to live so much 'in it'.

i certaintly don't think others' have life entirely easy either. my girlfriend who's now PG, has seriously financial /career issues and marriage problems..neither of which do me and DH have. but i'd bet the farm that she wouldn't trade in the ability to have babies for financial stability and an argue-free marriage. my other good friend had 7 m/c's before having her daughter.. now they now what's wrong with her and it's unlikely to happen again if she tries to get pg.. but she went through hell.

and i HAVE talked to my friends, coworkers, family ect. in hopes they'd be more sensitive, as i believe people can only support me as much as i let them.. so now sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. they do their best, i know, but they've never had to live with the prognosis of 'very unlikely to have your own children'.. so they say stupid shit - like- 'why don't you just read the book 'the secret'- then it'll happen.. or my girlfriend who CONSTANTLY offers to be a surrogate for me, when i've told her REPEATEDLY that my eggs are the problem- i don't need a surrogate.

i guess some days i'm just hurting so much that i don't have it in me to be a bigger person and see past their comments into their intentions, and i just need to come here to vent.

and chris, i'm always so grateful to hear your honestly.. i really respect that. and yes, i HATED being around babies, which was so ironic (in a way) cause i wanted to have one so bad. i'm glad you say your mind on here. it's weird, now that i have my son, it's obviously so different for me- but since my maternal instincts have kicked into overdrive for #2, i usually cry when i see a new baby.. i actually approached a woman with a newborn baby at a children's play centre with my son... i said congratulations and chatted briefly with her. she didn't see that when i walked away i was crying.. so for me- this is HUGE progress.. before having my son, i would have never spoken to her, out of bitterness.

and honestly chris, and others out there who haven't been blessed with a baby yet.. i feel guilty sometimes sharing my struggle to have #2, but at the same time....i just need support for my process too. prior to having my son, i thought "please god, just give me one, and i'll never ask for more..". but since then, my deep desire to have a bigger family is undeniable...

love to all, sorry for huge post

[riogirl71]

I am glad that this is a place we can come to vent and say how we really feel without being judged and and top of it we get amazing support. All of this is very hard, and lets not forget our hormones are going crazy too. I have had my share of insensitive remarks. A dear firend who knows what we went through has said "you are so lucky beacuse it happened almost too easily for us and we were not prepared to be parents yet and you were" she meant well but really? I am lucky to spend thousands of dollars we don't have and get my body full of hormones to try and have a baby? Of course the minute she tried for her second kid she got pregnant. I was happy for her. But I distanced myself. I have had my share of comments from family too. We have male fertility issues, and like Anna, my mom has hinted around about me marrying a defective guy or why can't I just go screw someone else and get pregnant. She even was pushing for a semen donor because she didn't think my DH would make a good looking enough kid. Or how about when I was crying cause I only had 6 follicles and she said it is ok, just try again next month as if it was nothing? Never mind how many times I explained the whole thing. She doesn't care, she also had like 4 abortions and got pregnant on birth control every time. So I can relate Anna to a completely insensitive family that I think could give a rats ass about what DH and I go through. I already complained to no end about my in laws that are loaded and we pleaded for financial help and they said no while they go flaunting their spending on stupid stuff. It hurts a lot when you can't even get support from your own family.

Anna - you are such a survivor and I am sorry your family is so insensitive.

I am not trying to get off topic here. IVF is hard and emotionally it is the toughest thing I have had to do. My boss went through 7 iVFs with his wife and meanwhile as a counselor she saw all the 15 year olds crying about being pregnant. We know we are supposed to feel happy for those women that get pregnant easily but we don't. We feel broken. I can honestly say that I am happy for all the women in this board who get pregnant because I know we all struggled and I feel we are a sisterhood. But I cry in my office when my coworker tells me she is pregnant by accident. I cry when my nephew's new niece gets pregnant smoking, drinking and NOT wanting kids. Life is not fair. But we do have loving DHs and a way to afford this somehow and our relationships are stronger and we are stronger for it. I also believe we are better mothers. I really think that. We will not take our child/children for granted even when they have a bad moment, we are more patient and I think understand better what unconditional love is. I wish we all didn't have to go through this, but I do think we are all stronger and better women/moms for it.

Sorry for the rambling.

[karenvancouverisland]

anna.. i also wanted to say what an amazing survivor i think you are too. and i'm also sorry your family is insensitive. i've re read your posts several times and my heart is meeting you where you're at.. wish we could have coffee together.

[riogirl71]

Karen - I sent you a pm, I wish we could all have coffee together!

[karenvancouverisland]

oh rio- i LOVED your pm.. it's really dear to my heart <3 .. i was just waiting to have some more time to reply with the same thought and attention you put into yours. you are a doll.

i'm having coffee right now while my son naps.. thinking of you ladies and imagining us all together, sharing stories, tears, gratitude for what's already come for some of us, and hope for us all for full, happy, families.

[to_have_fun08]

Glad you didn't see my post as being and insensitive *****. Its so hard sometimes dealing with all this crap. I am totally jealous of all my friends and family members that have kids. Seems that someone is always popping up pregnant. Always wondering at the next get together who will be announcing. I am lucky that I do have a great support group. I am not the only person in my family that has issues. I have one cousin that has been trying as long as I have. She doesn't have insurance that covers infertility so at this point I think they have given up. I have another cousin that is adopting a child and then another cousin that has one child and has PCOS and isn't having any luck having a 2nd child. i have also had 2 friends that have done IVF. So life is not easy anywhere.
I don't know how many times I have secretly cried myself to sleep at night. Or wiped my tears away after hearing someones announcement. I think I cried a good 2 or 3 weeks off and on after my BIL announced their news. At a bar one night I was balling my eyes out in the bathroom. Bad thing was that I wiped both my eyes at the same time, and lost both of my contacts. couldn't find them anywhere. good thing I wasn't driving.
I guess it good just to know we are not alone. So many people are going through the same stuff. We are just lucky we have this board were we can get some good info, vent and have a few laughs.

Good Luck to all !!!

[sharishu]

CT Michele- I LOVE what you told your friends about wanting to be in a picture *even though* you are not pregnant! Very polite way of letting them realize what they were doing!

Just a general comment to all- I read through the posts, and was absolutely horrified for those of you who were made to feel they have defective husbands, or who were told by friends that they 'understand' what you went through with your IVF, etc.! People take WAY too many liberties in their comments! Better they just shut up and not say a damn thing!

I think the jealousy pangs and/or aversion to 'baby' type events is perfectly normal given the struggle/heartache/depression/trauma we go through physically and emotionally! And this thread is the perfect forum to vent out all of our frustrations, thank G-d we have it! I wish every one of us the family we yearn for, hopefully very soon!

Hugs all around,
Shari xo

[emmax]

havent been on here for months just a little txt after 2 ectopics and no tubes i i have a little baby due in 2 weeks omg stared my injections in feb its gone so quick hasnt been easy but so gald it nealy finishes would like to here from yous out there x

[karenvancouverisland]

gawd chris.. i totally DONT see you as insensitive. i think that you're real. and that's a quality i always appreciate in someone.. much better than someone blowing sunshine up everyone's ass (LOL).. and IF is not a 'sunshine' topic.

if we can't be honest here, with ourselves or others.. i think we're really screwed.

congratulations emmax

[annashope]

ugh!!!!
So out of the blue my ex calls me today (lets just say that my previous relationship was a total nightmare and I am so blessed to have my wonderful husband now) so anyways I have to say that my DH and my ex used to be friends before DH and I got married. Anyways midway through today my ex calls me to tell me that he got his 22 year old girlfriend/ex girlfriend -they recently broke up. Anyways he got her pregnant and I am the first person he wanted to call and he just wants me to keep in mind that I have "options" wow this just boiled my blood. I mean we are all adults and are on civil speaking terms and he knows what Dh and I have been going through and I guess he called to brag and tell me that I chose the wrong man and had I chosen him I would be having kids now.......Sorry but I had to vent. I am usually very cool headed but this just really pissed me off. I mean he is 30 and she is 22 and he doesn't have a serious job nor does he plan on being with this girl and when I asked why he wasn't using protection he said "I dunno I guess just wanted to know if I could make a baby and now I want you to know that I can" Naturally I told him where to go but I was so pissed for DH and myself. I mean who the heck does he think he is and how insensitive a thing to say.

Thanks girls for being here and listening. I am always grateful for the things that I have and yes I am very blessed to have my son but I guess I have always wanted a big family and its so sometimes I just have to get all of this pain out somewhere. I wish we were all having coffee. Hugs to all thanks for listening to my venting

[patatina]

Having had an abortion 13 years ago (which I do not regret at all) as well as 8 years trying to conceive with the (infertile) love of my life, I can really empathize with almost every viewpoint here. It's been very difficult as I've watched countless friends and family parade their fertility, but I can always remember that pregnancy is the front end of a lifelong responsibility that, in many cases, is truly terrifying. That's why it matters that women in poor countries don't have birth control--pregnancy is not just a blessing, and raising a child is not just beautiful, glorious and noble. Sometimes people are right to be scared of it.

I've certainly let the jealousy get the better of me, though. One good friend wanted me at every single OB visit through both of her "whoops!" pregnancies, and when I finally reminded her it was hard on me, she got really angry. Guys have joked to my husband about his "shooting blanks"--that makes me absolutely furious. I would class the 3-way pregnant-belly photo op as one of the most insensitive things I've heard of fertile people doing while TTC people are around. People deserve to be reproached a little bit when they do something that unfeeling.

My advice is, don't fault yourself for being jealous. Whenever fertile people's behavior is hard on you, just say, "This is a little hard on me," and the honesty will help the jealousy pass. Only vent your full feelings later to your spouse or some other non-pregnant human. Happy pregnant women don't deserve all of our jealousy, but they do deserve to be reminded to be kind. (I think.)

Full disclosure, though: After 8 years, we've finally been successful on an IVF attempt--a baby girl due in April. And I still get jealous of the accidentally pregnant people!

[to_have_fun08]

anna - ohh my blood would also be boiling. Do you have a gun? I would shoot him. Though I kind of laugh after you look at the whole context. Yes he can make a baby but really most people can. wooppteedooo Does he have a meaningful relationship? Will he be a good father to that child? Sounds like your ex is a child himself. I already feel sorry for that child and he/she isn't even born yet. I know it hurts now, but eventually your baby will come. You can then relish in the fact that your child has a loving father and mother and is blessed to be raised in that environment.

[riogirl71]

Annas - are we twins? Seems we have a lot in common, insensitive family and a jerk for an ex husband! I cannot believe he said that but you know what? I can totally see my ex saying the same thing. I am really sorry for this child. Making a baby to see if you can is an awful way to start a life. Unfortunately there are a lot of undeserving people with children they don't even want. My ex husband was abusive emotionally and phisically to me. He kept insisting we had a child but I was always on birth control, I was afraid to have a child and the child be like him. He remarried and had two children, two girls. We were struggling with our male fertility while he was calling and telling me his great news. It was hard to hear this jerk could have kids no problem, but I never told him about our struggles because I think he would be an ass about it. Then when we did get pregnant with our son, I told him when he called me and he had a cow saying he was so jealous! Oh whatever. The best thing I did was to leave him and be with DH, infertility or not, he is my knight in shinning armor.

I have actually decided to not tell anyone anymore about this. Only my SIL knows cause she is a sweetheart and so supportive. But the rest of my family can stay in the dark, I am tired of insensitive remarks.

Annas - if you don't mind me asking, you said you were a child refugee of war, what happened? You are an amazing and strong woman and I am so sorry you are surrounded by insensitive jerks. I really pray you get your miracle baby for your DH, I am so happy you guys found each other!

You girls are all amazing and I am happy we can come here and vent about things.