Do you feel like everyone is getting pregnant except you?

[Angie65]

Hi ladies - this is a good thread.

I am a realist - I have always been one - but I am still happy, cheerful and optimistic most of the time too. Ways of coping for me include having scenarios in my head like "if this doesn't work by then end of the year, the we'll book ourselves a nice holiday (hopefully to the States and go ski-ing!)" - just things to look forward to so that there is something there to hold on to, if things come crashing down.

As Meg says, it most definitely IS a numbers game - my doc has said that twice now with our 2 BFN's. Frustrating, as we all want explanations rather that "it's a numbers game" but that's how it is.

Sophie - you are also correct too - there are so many influencing factors, what our individual issues are, age etc and so each and everyone of us needs adopt the best strategies for us to cope.

I currently limit the time I spend with people with kids (none in our families), whereas others do completely the opposite and it helps them. I am lucky I have a number of beautiful girlfriends who are single and this helps puts things into perspective - everyone in life has their challenges.

It is 12 months since we first visited the IVF clinic and it has been very tough at times. But it has made me stronger and has brought me and DH closer - there is no doubt. Everyone of us brave ladies on this journey will take something positive from the experience, whether or not it is a baby.

That said, bring on my third attempt - I am ready !

[meg12]

Angie--It's nice to hear that other people limit interaction with children---It always makes me feel so guilty and it's not that I don't enjoy being around them or anything. It's just soooooo hard. And I work daily now with a woman who is 7 months pregnant and I find it really hard to be around her. She's a super nice person and I know my only hold up is that shes pg. It's not that I begrudge her her 9 months or her soon to be daughter---but you know how I feel. She really does try hard to make me feel better (she knows we've been trying) but sometimes I can't help but be sooo jealous of her. In fact, before my first BFN when I was going through my first IVF, I would talk to her often about the experience, but now that it didn't work that first time--and her stomach is getting bigger and bigger--I find I can't talk to her about it (or much else) at all. What a gross feeling. I try to rise above it, but I guess I'm not that good of a person.
Of course, she also told me she knows what I'm feeling not being able to get pregnant because she and her husband tried for two whole months. (Yeah, she's not the brightest but I think she honestly did mean it--sigh)

Anyway, that's my gripe for tonight---I guess I'll go say something positive on the other thread to make up for it

[Angie65]

Hi Meg - it's hard isn't it?- DH and I made the call not to tell anyone ( not even our families -too complicated, they are too religious etc) so just 2 best friends and my sister know. It is very stressful at times to keep things a secret but also a relief when things don't go well - don't have to explain to lots of people.

That is why this board is such a life line to me. Night night and sweet dreams to you!

[Angie65]

PS Sassy - I checked out your photos - they are amazing - you are quite the traveller - but you must visit us here in Oz sometime too!

[sassynlv]

Angie: hear you on the not telling everyone. i have done a HORRIBLE job of that. Seemed like i told everyone and their dog on cycle #1.. and having to give them all the bad news when i didn't even have embryos for ET was the worst part of the whole experience. Felt like i was disappointing them all. Now i am down to a few close friends, and my parents. others know we are still doing ivf, but don't know details. Sounds like you were much smarter about this than i was!
As for traveling... we made it to NZ a few years ago, but have yet to make it to your neck of the woods (inlaws were in melbourne a few months ago and loved it ). Planning a swing through malaysia (friend now in kuala lumpur) and australia next Jan... it is our "if we can't get preg" trip. oooo... hear the scuba diving is great off the reef (one more booby prize if no pregnancy!).

Hope everyone sleeps well,
ciao

[patie]

Hello All

You all made my day with that thread...i had tears in my eyes reading it..and giggles of course...

I can absolutely relate to all your comments.... the funny part for me is that people are pittying me...and some of my friends (the mommies) whenever they see me would gasp and say "oh we are praying for you and i am always thinking of u"... and all...

I dont need anybody's pitty and i have one lady freind who'd call me like 3 times a day just to make sure that i'd call and visit her dr (who's in another country btw) we got married the same year and she now has 2 kids...and she already spoke to her dr about me .... i was shocked...(i didn't tell her that we are having IVF b/c she'd pittying even more...i only told her that I have thyroid problem, which is true)...but come on...i deserve some privacy!

I hate that! I mean we are normal people right? just because we don't have babies it doesn't mean something's wrong with us!

I'm sorry i am a bit bitter but this cycle attempt I am not too sane!!!


Good luck to all you wonderful ladies!!!

[amanda-jane]

hi ladies
you know i was feeling guilty about my feelings and wasn't gonna post again and was just gonna deal with my feelins in my own way. i'm actually up and down all day every day, i get so much pleasure and hope off others success stories, i get hope from peoples stories of people being sent for ivf and then gettin preg naturally, i get emotional when i hear of peoples sad stories, and i get sad when i remember being preg thinking we'd got through the worst and losing the baby and being told at scan it was not to be, so forgive me sometimes i'm giggly happy for our cycle to start and other times i'm downright negative about my own experiences and situation, i don't for one minute think i'm worse off than anyone else and have made a decision to be more positive for 07 and try an keep things in perspective but i am anxious and i suppose this site is to amongst others is to blow off some steam and not be judged for how we're feeling at that point. anyway i want as much info and as much pma to get through the ivf and pray first time is successful !!!

[PMApsy]

Hello ladies!

Oh, Meg! Don't be so hard on yourself! Not that good a person because you can't get over the negative feelings about your pregnant co-worker? But that's a totally normal reaction; goodness has nothing to do with it! You're still trying! You're still up to the neck and beyond in the process, so it's normal to react that way! I sure am reacting that way! I love looking at other people's children on the train or in the street... but when one of my DH's co-workers (we're all good acquaintances and about all in the same age group) became pregnant, it was the fourth this year, I was jealous and irritated. Oh yes, happy for her, yes, nothing against her. But when my husband offered me to go see their new house, I told him to go alone. I knew she would be showing, and I was not ready to face that. I knew I would not be able to hide the anger in my eyes. So I stayed home. Of course the more months pass, the worse it will get. I might see her if the company makes a big reception for the Chinese New Year as last year... but if I had the choice, I would only see her after I get my own BFP.

I think it's OK to keep reacting that way until you either get pregnant or realize it won't happen for you and grieve it. Then if two years later you're still green with envy when you see a pregnant woman or little kids, there's a problem. But not while in the process.

My two cents...

Sophie

[sassynlv]

oh ladies... i got up early to check on my "new favorite thread" and had lots to talk to you guys about your posts. I was most of the way through writing a quite erudite post... then lost it (went back to quote something... and that was the end of that). Have to run to my early morning gym workout, so have to abandon the endeavor at this point. So, don't go anywhere... i will be back (although of course, it won't be as good as the original one ). Thinking of all of you!!!

[meg12]

Amanda Jane--Yep, you've nailed it in one. This whole process is so crazy. At moments I'm so happy and excited and just everything! And then the next moment I'm sobbing my eyes out. Gar. It's such an emotional thing and then to dump a ton of hormones on top of it---it's really surprising that I haven't punched anyone yet. Of course, I'll have a great defense at trial if I do. The "IVF" Defense. People will be using it for decades to come to get off of assault charges. I'll be famous! So, see, I will get something positive out of this whole experience--Fame! Ha.

[sassynlv]

All right, ladies. Had a nice, hard workout (hopefully won't have many of those left since FET is in 2 wks ), but forgot many of the fantasticly wonderful (at least in my mind!) things i was going to say. So here goes a decidedly average (and epic novel length) post...

Patie: i get you with the pity thing. Anyway, if you wanted them to know something, you would be telling them! Don't know if she is a close friend or not, but i have been amazed at the questions i get from acquaintances re: whether or not we are trying to have kids. Yes, we are normal (although my family may say i am not as "normal" as others ) despite our IF. Sometimes, i feel I have "IF" stamped on my forehead like a scarlet letter.

Amanda-jane:I am so glad you returned to post. You said you almost didn't come back because you were feeling guilty about your feelings. This should be a total "guilt-free zone" (Meg, did you hear that? ).

...but i am anxious and i suppose this site is to amongst others is to blow off some steam and not be judged for how we're feeling at that point.

As far as i am concerned, besides sharing info, the main function of the forum is to provide us with a place to vent and be understood. I consider it a valuable, valuable resource. You have been through a lot, and not having ever had a m/c would never presume to say i "understand" how that feels. But i do understand how cruel IF can be. And i understand what a rollercoaster IF (and especially IVF) is. I also go up and down a lot... dh says during stims i have significant mood swings every 2 hours, but i think he is wrong.... it is more like every 90 minutes . I am SO hoping that this cycle for you leads to a big baby belly. If you ever need to vent and don't want to do it on the public thread... feel free to pm me.

PMA: sorry about dh co-worker's preg. Not that she is preg, but that it is hard for you. I actually find that although there are many people around me that are preg, there are only a few that really bother me. Haven't noticed any obvious reasons for that... i am sure a few hours on the therapists couch would tease it out.. but why bother? It is what it is. I think it is great that you are setting boundaries and taking care of yourself (something i am not very good at doing ).

Meg: ooooo, the "IVF defense", heeheehee. That could be dangerous... think of all the things we could use it for... "but officer, i know robbing the bank is wrong, but my insurance doesn't cover IVF"... "but officer, that preg woman over there told me "Wow, I wish I had your problem. Roger just looks at me and I get pregnant."(meg, does that quote look familiar? ) what else could i do but slap her silly"... "but officer, i know running someone down after they cut me off is not a good idea... but i'm STIMMING!". heeheehee.
on a more serious note, i concur w/PMA. jealousy of those preg isn't fun, but a totally normal reaction for someone in our circumstances. It must be very hard at times to work w/someone so preg (esp when they figure they understand where you are coming from... 2 months of ttc??? hffff!)

All right girls, my vent for the day. In the spirit of full disclosure, what i am saying is totally hypocritical (part of the reason i am saying it is bc i need to hear it myself!). I think we are WAY too hard on ourselves. We are human... or did i miss something that IF/IVF no longer gives us the right to human emotions??? We are all doin' the best we can. There cannot be any guilt in that. The disappointment, frustration, bitterness and jealousy only make us humans--- none of us want to STAY here indefinately, but i no longer think it is healthy for me to fight it if that is where i am at the time. As long as we aren't acting on it and intentionally hurting someone else, I'd say we are doing pretty well. Bring it all on, this is the place to vent! Be good to yourselves ladies... the world has no idea how brave you all are.

[meg12]

Okay, this isn't a vent, but: Sassy--that was a great post! I nominate it for post of the hour (I would say post of the day, but we all post so often that I'd hate to have to recant later)

[nictor]

Aww Sophie,im SOOOO sorry if i made you feel bad with my post,i honestly didnt mean to upset or offend anyone,as someone said its difficullt when your not talking face to face...that was only how i felt,and when the first attempt failed thats how i really did feel,i went through the whole first cycle so positive that it would work,maybe i shouldve said after that failed attempt,i was a bit more cautious,maybe shoulda chosen a different word..im really sorry if ive made anyone feel bad,cos this whole bloody IVF life is difficult enough without me making it worse,again my apologies..Love Nicola..xx

[meg12]

Nictor---No guilt is allowed on this thread! Don't worry about it--there is no shame in saying how you feel and no one here will judge you for that. We've all run the gambit of emotions with this process!

[PMApsy]

sassy hey girl! You made me giggle with your therapist's couch! Ah, if only people could get beyond that image! That's old-fashioned psychoanalysis! They're a minority! I'm a psychologist, and I'm cognitive-behavioral; I don't do Freud stuff!

... sorry, just had to get it out.

About the whole "telling everybody" thing. I think, again, that it's human. Especially when you don't know about the forum. It's just eating you alive, you are waiting for dates, results, you have experiences to share, and everything... DHs do their best but they're not always able to understand everything or give the best feedback... or listen patiently when you talk about it again and again and again.

I've debated whether or not I wanted to tell, and the answer came pretty quickly. People know that we're IVFers, but they don't know when we try. I just didn't want people to have expectations or questions in their tone when they ask me how I'm doing. And, like you guys said, if you get a BFN, it's painful to have to tell everybody again and again and again about what happened...

So my DH chose not to tell anybody; he's like that, he does not really talk about his problems and he's a very private person. I chose to tell my best friend, my other closest friend in NYC and a friend/co-worker. Those are the only ones who know. I'll have to tell one of my bosses at the hospital for medical reasons if I get my BFP, and of course I'll tell my flamenco teacher so she knows why I'll disappear for a couple of weeks. But that's it. No family members.

The rest of the people around us will know when I'm done with my first trimester. Whether it's this year or next year or, -hope not- never, we'll just wait. I think those people would do their best to support me if I had BFN(s) or m/c(s), but they just wouldn't be the best source of support. Those three friends, yes. So there ya go...

Some people don't regret telling too many people because they say people are not only there for bad news... they're there for good news as well, even if they're followed by sad news afterwards. I guess it's a very personal decision.

Oh, and Nictor sweetie, apologies accepted, but not needed! I'm totally fine, don't worry! *hugs*

Cheers!

Sophie