U R not alone with DI

[Polly12]

Opps sorry i posted that one twice!

[Gargy]

Well it is very exciting news!! Congrats on being at the top of the list. Let us know how it goes...

Gargy

[Gargy]

Just letting you know that I had a brilliant meeting with our DS friend last night!

DH and I had our DS friend over for dinnner last night. DH went all out - he cooked Mussaman Beef Curry, Yellow Chicken Curry, Steam Veges and Roti from scratch - it was really important to him to do this for our DS friend.

I went out for lunch with DH earlier that day when we were buying ingredients - and we went through all the questions I could think of, including the list below. I was treating it more like an adoption, and DH said, "no, I don't think that's how it will be".

Anyway when my DS friend came over and we started discussing how it would be I was amazed how he 'got' it much more than I did, and the DH was also on the right path. I was also extremely surprised by how well the two got on together and how alike they were in nature and the way they thought. I have known both of these men for a very long time but in my stress and depression last week I'd forgotten how wonderful they both are.

I was touched by how much our DS trusted and respected us. He spelled out that he never, ever will interfere. This made DH feel so much better. Anyway I grilled him for about two hours on all the questions that DH and I had gone through over lunch. Luckily we also had a very good wine so that helped (feeling slightly worse for wear this morning, but very, very happy.)

I really feel that this has every chance of working! I'm so lucky to have such a good husband and such a good friend!

DH and I were also going to go to a donor conception support function today but I think that this would be pushing it - one step at a time. May be better to leave this until the baby is on it's way or actually here.

Anyway, thankyou all for all your help and support over the past few weeks - it was very much appreciated!!

[TansRN]

Gargy
That is so great that things went well. I am so happy for you. When will you be going through with your insemination? You must be thrilled that things were working out as planned. Wonderful for you.

I go to the RE this Thursday and we are going to be talking about plans and I am so excited and I will have to let you know what is going on with that. It is exciting to get moving with things. Talk to you soon.

[Polly12]

Gargy, Such wonderful news - that is so brilliant you and all on track and it all sounds very very positive! Ya for you both. Something to really look forward to aye. Fingers crossed it all goes well and falls into place for you.

TansRN - Bring on Thursday! Not long to go now. I can't wait till im counting down the days instead of the months.

[TansRN]

Polly
Thank you! I am so excited. I wont be able to start until April or May due to work. I just started a job at a local hospital and I have to work days until I am trained and I still have like another month of that-joy joy. It is always something to hurry up and wait for. I do understand that. At least your time is coming up shortly-the key is to stay busy-by the way I loved your comment about sex with a syringe!!! That was great. I am so excited about Thursday. I feel like I have been waiting for a long time. I lost my baby in Aug and then had my failed FET so it feels like a long time. Every day seems like an eternity to wait. I am just trying to stay busy....Talk to you soon.

[Gargy]

Hi Polly!!

Hi Tanya!!

To answer your question, our SD (not DS - that means dear son - oh well, I'll get the hang of internet-speak eventually) still needs to go to counselling, then we are counselled as a group, he still has to give a sample, and it has to wait 6 months to be quarantined.

So still looking at the end of the year.

Hope to hear some good news from you both soon...

Gargy

[Polly12]

Hi Tanya
Keep us posted.

Gargy,
I guess it still might seem you have a way to go and i still feel like that too. I guess though given its nearly March meaning that Jan & Feb have absolutely flown by, its going by quite quickly. I did have a chat with Mum on the weekend and explained that at first when i found out about waiting lists etc i was a bit dissapointed, but have now realised it just gives you even more time to get your head around the issues you have to face. I guess this might be relevant to you know you are using a KD - its going to be different and have different issues for you to think about and im sure the next 6 months will be productive with your counselling and you will have everything 100% sorted and out there given your time frames.

I think to myself if i can be pregnant by Christmas, that would be a bonus. If not, i will just have to face a New Year. I try now to be way more realistic with my time frames as ive been waiting nearly two years now and its so hard to be let down but much easy if i set small goals. Now that our public funding is on hold, i am focusing on saving where i can, in a weird way, thats great as it has taken my focus off waiting to come up on the donor list and instead thinking about getting as much money together in what now seems like a short time frame to so this - if you know what i mean. Quite refreshing to have a different outlook on the situation, even if it seems like a bit of an added stress.

Anyway, i could dribble on, but thinking of you both heaps all the time as I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH:)

[TansRN]

Hey guys
Gargy
I know that must seem like forever but as Polly already said it is nearly March already. I really can't believe it! It is flying by for some reason. Is that because I am getting younger? lol at least it is in the process.

Polly
Why do you have to wait so long for a donor? I don't know where you live but can you order from another country? The lab that I use ships overseas and they have no wait. Just something to think about to help you out a little.
So good to have you guys to talk to about this. Makes it easier. DH and I have decided not to tell anyone that we are using donor. We feel that there are people in our family that may reject the child because of it. Sad as that sounds. It has been hard. I have told no one. Not a singe sole in my friends and family circle and that is so hard. No one seems to understand. I just want to get started already!!!!

[Polly12]

Tanya,
In New Zealand which is just below Australia you just have to wait. Thats all there is to it. The list is quite long, although being a married couple makes life easier for us which is a bonus.
At this stage we can not go to another country, for the sake of being paitient a bit longer i think it will be worth it to deal with our local clinic etc.

Im sorry to hear you can't tell anyone - that is a hard one aye. I want to share with you how i have felt about this and how i feel now. This is not in anyway me trying to push my views onto you.

At first i was absolutely the same. No way were we telling anyone - other than my parents & my DH Mum & Stepfather and that was it. No telling siblings, grand parents, or ANYONE Else. DH was a bit more relaxed about it but i made him promise not to tell. As time went by i started to accept our situation more and i read the great book Gargy and i have been talking about on here, i started to realise that i was helping to keep the whole donor thing a secrecy thing, that i was actually probably feeling a bit ashamed of how we have to create our family, that friends and family might not accept our decision or our child, that people might look in our pram and think " oh thats their donor baby" etc. I had built up heaps of barriers as why not to tell. In NZ it is Law to tell your children and so that too gave me a bit of a fright until i realised they have the right to know their own backgrounds. After some soul searching and the help of that great book by Ken Daniels and our counsellor at the clinic, i began to break down the barriers in my own mind and realise that this is not something to be ashamed off, and that we have great friends and family who do love us, so over time i have been lying to them, saying we are having IVF with Kurts sperm - i felt bad doing this all the time. We have since told some close friends, both our own personal close friends and 1 couple we are close to the truth, we are using a donor and we are blessed to have the opportunity to do this. Plus ive told one of my sisters & her parnter who we are very close to. Thats it, but its enough, it gives me a network of people to support me, to talk to, to be honest with about my battles with this, before it was eating me up. I lied to my best friend and i nearly cried, now she knows the truth - and it has set me free from extra baggage.

You said no one seems to understand - that is because if they dont' know they will never have the chance to try to understand...... I too thought that, i thought i would be judged, my DH would be judged, our potential child would not be accepted - but as i mentioned that is what i thought, and now i know i should have given others the chance to show me that they do care.

Anyway, we all make the best choice for our own familys and what happens under my roof will be different to what happens under yours, and i just want to be supportive of you, i just hope there is someone you find one day you trust enough to share this with if you feel you need to, i know i did and it has healed me so much and helped me to move forward emotionally in a big way.

There are some matters that are private and so we dont' tell people everything, but sometimes sharing is just so liberating.

Take care

[Gargy]

Polly,
Your post was truly touching. I had a lump in my throat just reading it. So much of it I believe also.

We went down the path of telling absolutely everyone - friends and family - about what was going on. It was the verbal equivalent of the 'rip the bandaid off and let the wound air'. At the time DH and I agreed that the rule would be that there would be no secrets whatsoever, everyone would have the same information at the same time.

My DH's family sounds very similar to your DHs - step mothers, stepfathers, halfbrothers and halfsisters as well as brothers, sisters and mother and father. I have 3 brothers and a sister with various in-laws. Everyone was told. We've had issues before, particularly with DHs family, about secrets, so I wanted everyone equal. This was when we were still looking at an unknown donor whose information would be released when the child reached 18.

DH's family, in the main, baulked and ran away. To this day some of them still do not talk to us about the issue. (To be fair a lot of other issues have happened too). Those that didn't run away, or deliberately misunderstand, were quite happy to tell us that it was in the baby's best interest that they didn't know they were concieved through DI and we should keep quiet about it. They told us about another family they knew of that had done this. Then I pointed out the irony that the secret was already out as they knew. They didn't mention the topic again...

Even in my own family people pushed their own agendas and recommended adoption rather than going through DI.

However, I'm very glad we did tell. There are no accidental secrets to be let out. Everyone knows where we stand. Everyone can go and cope with their own baggage. DH and I are standing firm.

The other thing it did was sort out the deep and meaningful relationships from those that washed up like driftwood on shore. DH and I learned that we have some wonderful friends and family members. It's a small group, but an intense one.

And if I hadn't have been so open, then one of our true friends wouldn't have had the knowledge or courage to come forward and offer, just when we needed him.

However, now we are not so open. I have told those who are still interested we have switched from unknown to known. A few of my friends and a few of DH's know who the known donor is. However we have not told either family. This is mainly because our donor is gay, and quite a number of our strongly Catholic family (both sides) have issues with this. Our friends don't have the same issues (we got to pick them!!)

However DH's and my family will have to deal with it at some point, because if this works our SD will be around for a long time to come. We thought we would break it to them when I am 3 -4 months pregnant and over the danger period of the pregnancy. But this will be in consultation with my DH and our SD. I'm not ever going to make them feel uncomfortable. Both families know that we changed our spiritual beliefs a long time ago - in my case, mainly because I met my SD and couldn't consolidate the church rules and his loyalty as a friend.

Oh well, I was never destined to make my family - both my own and DHs - feel comfortable!! Luckily my family still love me. I think DHs just can't work me out! DH takes the view that we are our own family. I love that about him too.


Anyway I better stop rambling as it's 11.40pm and I have a conference to attend tomorrow!!

Talk soon!


Gargy

[TansRN]

Here are the details from todays visit. My appointment went well and it was the doctor that did the sperm aspiration last summer. I really like him. He would not recommend doing another IVF with Tom because of his age and length of time since his vasectomy. He said that is probably why I miscarried. I asked about it just because I wanted to make sure that donor was the absolute best way to go. He said because I have had a pregnancy I have to have the HSG done next week. I am fine with that because I have heard that it helps to clear out your tubes if there are any blockages. For doing IUI it will be a good thing. I had some blood drawn today and things are already moving along. I also have to have a pelvic u/s next week as well. He said that my MTHFR came back with one positive on it meaning that I do not use folic acid/vitamin B like I should they gave me a prescription of and he said that could have contributed to the m/c. Horrible to think that all I needed was a pill to make it work. Oh well that is in the past and this is now right? So anyhow I got the information for the donor cryolab and I have to pick out a "Tom" and then I will probably be using the Gonal F and/or the Menopur. They want to make sure that my labs are ok first. He said that they like to see 4 to 5 good sized follicles before insemination and if I want to be risky he will let me get to 9 or 10 but then we would have to consider selective reduction and I am totally against that. I mean for myself...if other people want to do it it is their life but I am choosing to not be risky. He said that there is a good chance of multiples with this kind of treatment and I am all about it and he said that he would be fine with 3 or less and I am ok with that. I mean I wouldnt mind 2 if it happened. I mean three would be a little much and I would have to get used to that idea! LOL Anyhow that is what he said and I will be starting after my next AF since she is here right now. I am looking forward to it and so excited. I like the clinic better than where I was going and it is hard to change even if things arent what you would like because at least you know what to do and then you do it but you have no clue if you go somewhere else. Well I am excited and super happy about my PLAN!!!!! I have to look for a "Tom" tonight and get that ordered for sure. It is looking up for me and a plan is hope right? I had a good full body massage tonight. It was wonderful...sorry about the book!

[TansRN]

Thought that I would reply in 2 boxes because it is a lot of information to talk about. Anyhow I loved the stories that you shared about your families and to tell or not to tell kind of thing. I am just not to that point yet. My own friends and family think that I am crazy for even trying to go through a different route to get pregnant. That is why I say that they don't understand. All of my friends have just been able to get pregnant whenever they wanted and have no clue what it is like to have to sit here and hope that this next procedure works. It is hard. I have just decided for the time being that we are not going to be talking about it much. Need some time to let it soak in. I am still processing it. I will have to read that book. It sounds good. Thank you for that info.

Gargy
I like that name-it is unique. It probably suits you well. My best friend from school is gay and I talked with him about it and he was like I am not having sex with you...he is so funny and I told him about donor but he seems to be worried about the health of the baby so I am not sure what his backgroud entails. He keeps a lot of information private about his "partying" days. So I went to the catalog to look! LOL

Polly
Thank you for sharing your story. It was enlightening. Time is already flying by. I can't believe it is already Friday again! One more day of work.
Have a good weekend.

[Gargy]

Hi Tanya,

I'm so sorry that you can't use your partner's sperm. However it was good to get this clear in your mind before you started.

I would definitely recommend the HSG. I my case one side hurt like hell - they told me later it was probably blocked with mucus - but it was good to know that both tubes were working well. When we are set to start up again I'll definitely have it done again.

I think in Australia that they are very concerned about overstimulation and won't go through with the procedure if it looks like the outcome will be more than 2 -3 babies. I also agree with your sentiments - could you imagine the toll on your body and having to cope with any more than 3 babies? I know people do it, but I couldn't deal!

I agree it is really important to be comfortable with your clinic. I really like my FS, the nurses and even the admin staff (I am surprised about the last one as we had a misunderstanding about money - DH got cranky as we had not been advised of cost changes - and I thought this would cause a few issues but it's actually turned out to be better - they are much more understanding).

However I have had a few issues. Firstly with my FS. I've discovered things like HSG, Metformin and folate tablets on my own, whch I thought would be his call. And the counsellor has caused us some very BIG problems. My husband was diagnosed recently with a general anxiety disorder. Once she found out about that she treated our sessions like marriage guidance rather than fertility counselling. She put doubts in my mind about DH's ability to cope, which have been echoed by his GP and my FS. The fight was over who was I going to believe - people not qualified in GAD, or my husband's speciality counsellor (who says he will cope fine) and DH himself - who kept on coming up to me long after the fight telling me how much he wants to have a child.

And to put logic around it - our GP is Catholic (yes another one!!) and has strong moral issues with using DI, the IVF counsellor has no idea in regards to GAD (I must admit she has been helpful with one or two things, but not this) and our FS is probably reading her reports. I might book myself in with our other counsellor just to get some reassurance that DH will cope. I know I should trust my DH but he has told me he is coping in the past which was swiftly followed by a meltdown. He even acknowledged this last night but said that he had no diagnosis in the past, whereas he does know what is going on now. I just have to learn to trust this.

So yes I definitely agree that the clinic you choose is very important. I also agree that to have a plan is to have hope. That's why I was listing what we have to go through in an earlier post - what was driving me into depression was the fact that I hadn't heard from our SD and I didn't knwo whether he was still with us or not. However as my DH said - what's a priority to us is not a priority to him, and I have to be patient. Also, I have to remember thing happen at their own pace, not because I want them to.

I'm so happy for you Tanya! Have fun choosing!!

As to my gay friend - he is also very funny and when he was listing his medical conditions when we were going through my list he said he had an allergy to having sex with women I think one of the reasons that we like each other so much is that we are very frank about taboo subjects - I had no issue talking about the intimate details of IUI and he had no problems discussing his life with me - mainly to assure me how safe he is.

Anyway I think I might head back to bed - I have that awful "hangover" feeling you get when you cry too much, and I only woke up because one of the repercussions of using metformin is that your body is craving food early in the morning. I tried to ignore my hunger for a couple of hours but unfortunately this made the hangover feeling worse.

[ICSIorBust]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm Leann, 24 years old, and DH and I are at a crossroads in our journey to parenthood. We know he's the problem, but the doctor can't find out why he has only 1 million sperm. Our choices are IVF/ICSI or dIUI, but it's such a hard decision. We really can't afford ICSI, and even if we could, I'm scared to death of how I'd handle a failed cycle. It's like throwing $12,000 right in the garbage. DH & I both agreed that, should we pursue dIUI, we'd want DH's brother to be the donor. We haven't asked him yet. I wish there was an easy way to make this decision. I've signed up to be a paid egg donor, hoping to use the money to pay off our debt so we could afford fertility treatment. I've passed all the screenings, I'm just waiting to be chosen. Do you think I should give ICSI a try, since DH does have some sperm and technically could father a child?