Heart’s Desire – Finding Strength and Direction from God

[IndieBlue]

Congrats Hope So husband is thinking 2 and you're thinking??? I had this discussion with my RE and she said if it's a 3 day transfer then I can do 3 (because of my 'age') and if it's a 5 day transfer I can do 2 I'm fine with that.

I told her that after the initial 6 month of storage for any leftover embryo's I'd pay for an additional 6, and if we were able to get a positive that goes the full 9 months then I'm going to donate the embryo's left that are stored. We discussed it (husband and I) and although we realize that it would be a child tied to us though DNA, we still feel like environment takes over and has a lot to do with who you become Our adopted children are of course another persons DNA, but they have a lot of our quirks and most of our family has been caught saying things like "awww, just like your daddy"...etc so we've definitely overcome the DNA differences

I could sit all day worrying about if the children will be from a broken home, if they'll be born to parents that are too wrapped up in their jobs, parents that end up in jail for something...etc, but seriously it's all in God's hands and we'll continue to pray that we have 'just enough' to avoid having to store any....that would be the perfect scenario for us all wouldn't it.

So you had ICSI? My RE said that they lay the sperm on top of the egg in the dish and let them go to work (if there is no male factor)....I just keep envisioning that in my mind and since my husband is 'handy' around the house and has a real 'manly' job with tools and such I keep seeing little sperm with hard hats on and drills, trying to break though LOL ICSI is where they actually inject the sperm in to the egg though....right?

My 13 year old said "I do not want to EVEN know how they get daddy's contribution"....HILARIOUS, NOT!!! Teenagers are so fun....but I'm glad that he understands sex and finds some humor in it.

I can't wait to hear how it goes tomorrow at 9 Two or three...LOL If you transfer 3, will your other one be frozen? Do the embryo's have to make it to day 7 to be frozen? That is what my RE said....I would imagine that a lot don't make it to day 7? I've not read too much on that though.

That's nice that your acupuncture was right on target The study I'm in states NO Acupuncture!!! It has quite a few other rules too, like no aspirin, herbs...etc. But I can take those darn Iron pills that stop you up like CRAZY!!! I've eaten my weight in prunes, and upped my water intake and even ate a veggie sandwich last night so I'd have that roughage LOL.....I'm still feeling the effects of those pills though. Glad that it's only a months worth, but then I suppose if I get a BFP it's on to those Prenatal ones that are loaded with Iron too.

Well, off to bed.....come on ladies, give me some updates I'm living through all of you since I have such a long wait

[Leigh28]

I am new to this site and have just had my first unsuccessful IVF ICSI. I am trying to stay positive and have faith, but I feel so low right now. My husband did find this passage that I keep reading over and over. I hope it helps someone else...

Isaiah 11.

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
2 The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of power,
the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD -
3 and he will delight in the fear of the LORD.
He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his ears;
4 but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth;
with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked.
5 Righteousness will be his belt
and faithfulness the sash around his waist.
6 The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling [a] together;
and a little child will lead them.

[chriss]

Welcome Leigh, sorry about the BFN. Give yourself some time. You will find much comfort and support here.

Mia, glad m/s is letting up a bit.

Hope, good luck with transfer today. Thinking of you.

Indie, I love the name Faith. You sound great. Things are moving along nicely. How has DH been through it all so far? I remember his earlier hesitaiton. Hope all is well.

Kildean, thanks for the good wishes. Hope that you are feeling well.

Hi everyone. Sorry that I did not do more personals.

We've had a very busy time the last two days. First had a consult about donor eggs with RE. We wanted to find out some information about it all. We did not come to any conclusions yet. Then the next day (yesterday) we spent the entire day traveling to and from new clinic. This one all the way in Manhattan. We wanted to get a second opinion becasue we have been at same RE and have had three BFN's. New RE acknowledged my advanced maternal age, but was not slighted by it. I think that he deals with many women my age. He thought that my FSH was good enough and he looked through all of my paperwork. He talked about how they do things differently than the clinic that I was at. ANd maybe a change would be what I need. He talked about using a different protocol. He did also note... that he feels that the difficult transfers have something to do with the BFN's. I have a tilited cervix and there's a sharp "angle" to get into uterus easily. IUI's have always been painful and I've always been under anesthesea for ivf transfers. THey've even put a stitch in there with a string to use to shift the uterus. New DR. thinks that the transfer plays more of a role in this than the old RE ever let on. OF course he wants to run more tests, etc.

So, of course this clinic is so very far away from home. I would need to take some significant time off of work. There's no way I could do any daily monitoring and still go to work. It's also more expensive and that means using up the last bit of insurance money and not having any left for donor cycle. (Although the DE are not covered at all.) So sad that money has to play a role in this.

I plan to go talk with my principal next week. I need to do this. Dh and I feel that we want to give new RE a chance. Hope principal will work with me. People take off work for other illnesses/surgeries, etc. This is a major "Quality of Life" issue here and we can not wait 4 months until summer. When you are 41 every month counts.

Sorry such a long post all about me, but I wanted to update you guys. I've been pretty quiet lately. I am still on 2ww, but have been having the usual PMS symptoms that I've had every other failed cycle. I was pregnant once before (miscarriage) and I do not feel the way I did when I was preggers. I test this week. Such a saga.

Well, do keep me posted as I will keep you. You are all in my heart. -chriss

[sonu911]

Hello sisters

Sorry for not showing up for so many days. So much has happened...I will confess I was aware of the happenings here but somehow did n't feel like writing. Anyway, now I am back and I am writing.

Hope...I wanted to wish you from the core of my heart and I pray that God fullfils all your wishes. Waiting to hear a strong BFP from you very soon.

I will do more personals later.

[sonu911]

Hope-this is especially for you for your succesful trnsfer followed by implantation.

Mother of Christ, you were graced by God with the privilege of bearing our Divine Savior. You experienced the joys and challenges of being a parent. Your life was blessed with seeing Jesus grow from infancy and childhood, into his adult years of teaching a ministry. With St. Joseph, you created a home for your family to love and share together. Please intercede before the God of all life, that Hope, weezie, hrobinson, Angela, Nic, Indie, Sonu, Chelly, Chriss, Cathann, alisha, MP, Kildean, and many other ladies may conceive a baby and raise healthy children, with whom they can share the Lord's good gifts. May their children honor them and You by lives of virtue and caring for others. May their home be holy and their family be blessed with health, happiness and abiding love.

Amen.

[IndieBlue]

Okay, normally I'm really metaphorical LOL and I had to note this here just in case anyone else is

I garden...mostly roses, and one thing that I learned in my MG Courses is that with any plant, especially roses, if you want the branches to be bigger, you prune the plant. BUT, the branches will never outgrow the size of the trunk that they are growing off of. So if you have a trunk that is 1" in diameter, then you can't have a 2" cane/limb growing off of it. And if your trunk is not healthy, it will not grow healthy canes/limbs and produce roses or other foliage.

In that same manner, I do truly believe that God makes us stronger so we can grow something as wonderful and beautiful as a baby.

Since having issues with the 4 year old we adopted, I've called out to God and ask him WHY! We following your leading, we brought these children in to our home to raise...and yet we're having these issues with attachment.

But, I know that it was him leading us...still sometimes you get so low that you have doubts about whether you were really hearing his leading, or following your own desires. Anyhow, I've asked him why so many times....and then I came to the conclusion that he's strengthening me, the same way I prune my roses to strengthen them. He's preparing me to produce beautiful works for his glory....and when I think of it like that, it makes things more bearable.

And I have also come to the belief that sometimes 'our plan' isn't his plan. Maybe my picture of adoption is different than his. Maybe we're not meant to attach to our 4 year old, maybe we're just meant to supply him with love, structure and God until he's old enough to be on his own...maybe that is all God wanted us to do. While that is hard to take, and I do love our 4 year old immensely.....sometimes we paint a perfect Earthly picture of something and all the while God is standing there saying "hello...not exactly the plan that I had in mind, lets get back to the basics" LOL

So anyhow, just figured I'd share on this wonderful Sunday morning

Faith

[sonu911]

Faith (Indieblue)

What a wonderful thought!! I adore it. So simple yet so relevant.
Everything has a connection and everything is for a reason. We just have to open our eyes to learn the lessons that GOD gives us every moment.

Your 4 year must be adorable and lucky tht he found you.

(((HUGS)))

[Hope644]

Good Palm Sunday to you all!

Indie (Faith) I loved your rose pruning story. Very true~ such a good message. I'm sorry to say, I have not yet gotten the Believing God study... I will probably get it by the time you are done!

I wanted to answer a few of your questions - 1) I considered transferring 3, but DH never wanted to. 2) Yes, we have to use the ICSI procedure, mostly due to DH's vasectomy (the sperm builds up antibodies and causes them to have difficulty swimming) - and yup, it's when they inject directly 3) We hope that our other 2 (we ended up transferring 2) will freeze - but we haven't had any make it to the freeze stage before - so we don't anticipate that they will - for my clinic, they have to be practically perfect and make it to day 6 for freezing. I've had several make it to day 6, but they have had other problems that have made them unsuitable for freeze. My clinic basically considers it a "bonus" to get embies to freeze.

I admire your decision to donate them if you have them to donate. I don't know if I could do that or not - i had considered donating to my sisters, but haven't been able to make that offer as of yet. Praying God continues to "prune" and grow you to make you the strong mother he designed you to be. You are a blessing indeed to those children who call you mother.

Leigh28 - Welcome to our little thread. I will be praying for your healing after your cycle. Most of us know what a devistating feeling that can be - unlike a lot of other people in the world who don't struggle with IF. Thank you for sharing Isaiah 11 with us. What an encouragement. Praying He will give you strength, peace, and a hope for the future.

Chriss - Praying for a BFP for you this week - that you won't need to go through with the changes in RE and protocol... please let us know how things go. Praying for strength and encouragement for you.

Sonu - sweet Sonu! So good to have you back. We have missed you. Praying that all is well with you. What is new with the teaching position? Thank you, as always, for your kind words and your heartfelt prayers. You are such a blessing to our group.

How are our little pregnant sisters?? Wishing you all well and hoping that m/s doesn't take it's toll too badly on you!

How is everyone else? Quiet around here lately... thinking and praying for you all - we might not know what is going on with you - but He does - and He hears our prayers for you.

As I mentioned above, we transferred 2. DH said to do what I wanted, but I could see in his face that he was only going to be "giving in" and I didn't want to do something that he feels so strongly against. I know it is only for my health and the health of the babies that he feels so strongly. My desire for transferring 3, was only to increase our chances of not having to face these decisions and tmt again. But - if we do embark on cycle #4 - then things may change

Praying God's will be done. I do want to have a child - so desperately. But only if it is consistent with my Lord's will for my life. I know that I have 15 little embies that were conceived, lived only briefly and went on to be with Him. I know have 4 more that I pray He will allow 1 or 2 to stay with me here for a while. If not, they will join their brothers and sisters in Heaven and one day... I will see them along with our Creator.

[nicaliw]

Hi ladies.....just a quick thought. Did I miss the results of HRobinsons unknown mass? I was thinking about her ad I'm worried cause I don't think I ever read anything more about the results of this test. Does anyone out there know?

I'm in full swing now heading upto our FET. Started estrogen patches and baby aspirin. AF arrive 2 days ago, as planned, so the date of April 4 th looks like a reality now. I'm a bit moody and very hot flashy from the lupron but its all so worth it.

Praying for all of you
Nikki

[waitingforMia]

Hello ladies,

Sorry I have not been on, I went to see my folks this weekend - and it was such a stressful time.

They have temporary custody of a 17 month old b/c the mother went to the hospital after slipping a disc and she had no one to take care of the baby (no family - no friends) and the nurse made a note that she thought the mother was abusing perscription drugs cuz she was acting weird and CPS took the child from her. After a week the baby had lost weight had sores on it (from stress)... and The mother called my mom who she met at the crisis pregnancy center that mom used to work at and aske her if she would take in the baby until the case is cleared up. Ok long story short the mom is staying with my parents to help with the baby - and oh my goodness she has issues! Now my parents and I are very worried about her getting custody of her baby back! I think she is overmedicating her baby - example baby is a premie (9wks early) and she is convinced he has all these health issues (none of them visible to any of us) She went out for milk one night ( for 2 hours!!) Came back at 12 midnight went upstairs and woke the baby up she claims he was crying (but he did not make a noise) and then brought him down to give him meds!

I was so stressed and feeling sorry for this baby all weekend. My parents did not know she had these issues until just recently. She claims the baby's father abused him at 3 mos b/c he had a bruise on his arm and she called the police sp he as no rights to the baby - but honestly I think she is nuts! My dad laid out the plan of salvation for her and she rejected it. Please pray for her and my parents. They are considering bringing up to the judge her strange behavior, but they really arent in a position to take care of a baby right now.

Sorry to blab - but man I was just shocked at her behavior - she uses the baby for he only source of self-fulfillment and I think she is driving the baby nuts too!

Ok enough about that!

Hope: Congrats on the 2 transferred embies!!! Any word on the other two yet?? Take it easy until the test!!!

Nic: I dont think she ever posted the results! HROBINSON ATTENTION. April 4th will be here before you know it! Is this your 1st FET??

Sonu: Welcome welcome :0) What have you been up to lately??

Indie: a fellow gardner I am so lazy this year. I usually have veggies planted by now - but ugh so lazy! I am not that good at it - but we did have lots of cucumbers and tomatoes and zucchini last year. I have one rose bush - but I am afraid I dont pay much attention to it! Praying for your family as you try and find the best way to care for your 4 year old. Kids are pretty resilent - but sometimes the world gives thema bit too much! We all know he is blessed to have found your home.

Chriss: Glad the new RE is thinking outside the box a bit more. When do you test for this ET? I hope the talk goes well with your principal. how late would you be at school on monitoring mornings??

Leigh: I love the prophesies of Jesus in Isaiah. Welcome to our board!!! Where are you at in your IF journey??

I have still been eating fine! Praise God! Last night I was about to take a shower - and there was an obvious bump! I showed dh and he was like it cant be the baby 1st time mom's dont show until 5 mos - but it was there/. Not as obvious in the morning - but man it was there last night . Three more weeks til we can tell ppl! I think it will seem real once others know.

Alright I better stop the novel. I have lots of work to do. (and cleaning as always). Thanking God for each of you today!!

MP

[hrobinson]

Hello ladies. Sorry it has been a while since I posted. I am on spring break right now (Yippeee) and enjoying every moment with my dd as possible.
As far as my unknown mass...I stil have not received the test results. Actually had forgotten about it until I read Nicali's post. guess I will phone the dr. tomorrow as these result should have been back by now.

Nicali- I am so excited that you are about to start your FET. Now remind me, how many eggs do you have frozen? And how many do you plan to implant?
How are your foster classes going? How many more do you have to go through?
I finished your book yesterday. It was great. I have a dear friend who is having fertility problems that I am going to pass it on to. I hope this will get her to jump start something. while she wants kids, she is not real motivated to do anyting about it. Just sits back waiting. I just don't understand it.
Anyhow....

Faith- I absolutely loved your rose bush metaphor. It really made me go hmmmm. I am so impatient at times though, that I don't want to wait for my "trunk" to get stronger. I want it now!!!
How are things going with your 4 year old? I know that you were seeking help, is that helping at all? You are just such an awesome woman for adopting him,giving him a wonderful home, and trying to help him to the best of your ability. I am hoping in time he will come around. Just please do not give up. God placed him with you for a reason, it will come to you eventually.

Hope- when do you go in for blood work. You are so kind and considerate to think so much of your dh's feelings. I am hoping this one takes for you. You are such a positive woman. I admire you greatly for that.

Mia- I am so glad that you have been able to eat lately. I can't believe that you saw a little baby bump last night. That is so exciting. It makes the whole thing seem that much more real.
I will definately be praying for your parents, the dear child that they are watching over, and also for the child's mother. I hope that she is able to get help one way or another.

Chriss I forget...forgive me as I am sure you have told us...what do you teach? I am praying that you have a very understanding principal that is willing to let you take the time off that you need in order to have a successful pregnancy. Please let us know what she says.
Of course you could already be pregnant and not need to worry about taking time off. When do you test?
I am very iimpressed with your "new" clinic though. it is always so reassuring when they are willing to go a different route.

I know I missed some, however, my lovely computer batttery is almost dead:(
i will try to get on later this week...however my family is coming to celebrate Easter and my dd's birthday with us this weekend. Have been busy cleaning and getting ready for them.

I have been praying for each of my "new friends". God will bless each and every one of his children.

[nicaliw]

First of all, please all forgive me for not writing very much. I haven't been in the mood for much writing lately. I prefer to read how you're all doing.

Anyway, since a couple of you asked....I can hardly believe my FET is just around the corner now. We have 4 frozen embryos and plan on transferring 3 if 3 survive, by our Dr's recommendation. This is our first FET and I gotta say, its WAY easier than the stimming we did last time. I try not to analyze it all to much and think about all the possible outcomes, I'm just going with the flow. Fingers crossed.

In the meantime....we have done 3 out of 8 weeks of foster care classes. the baby room is ready for a baby, hopefully we'll be ready to take in a baby by the summer. We are specifying we plan on adopting so they'll only place babies with us that are less likely to return to their biological parents.

Who knows, maybe we'll grow our family even faster than expected.

I am very aware that this message has been all about me and I do appologize. I'm not sure why I'm not in the mood for writing so much these days.

Hugs to all

Nikki

[sonu911]

Dear Nic...

I identify with you as I am also sailing on the same ship.

Anyway, I had u/s today (this is my 4th day of AF) and the lining is looking good. I am already on estradiol tablets and will be starting baby aspirin from tomorrow.
Things are looking good and positive, I hope it continues this way. I guess my ET will be by the end of this month. I have 5 embabies...hope atleast 3 survive the thaw which then will be transferred. staying +

Prayers and wishes for all.

[nicaliw]

Sonu....sounds like you and I are a similar schedule for our FET. Hopefully we'll be getting our BFPs together.

[sonu911]

Absolutely Nic AMEN!!!!
What meds have you started??
Infact I wanted to do immune test but my doc said...NO NEED!! I pray and hope he is correct!!

Hope - How is it going, dear? Let DH pamper you to max ...hope you haven't joined the work as yet. Take a good and relaxed rest!!! Sending BFP vibes your way.

Mia - Quite a heartrendering story!! In all this, the poor baby is suffering the maximum. May God be with the baby always. I am sure you must be taking good care of yourself and must not be letting these things affect you much.

My DEAR sisters, lets be TOGETHER in our PRAYERS to reach out to God!!!
He is very KIND and FORGIVING, He will HOLD us and NOT let us FALL ever!!! He has BETTER plans for us and He ONLY asks US to be PATIENT!!
Lets ALL stand together STRONG in our PRAYERS to be able to have OUR OWN CHILD IN OUR ARMS and BLESS that soul FOREVER !!!
AMEN.