JOKES and POSITIVE THOUGHTS

Smita · Post by **Smita** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:10 am

oh ok!
Looks like we're on at the same time!
Its 3.40 pm here.we're 5.5 hours ahead of GMT I think...

smita

Cla · Post by **Cla** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:39 pm

Some of these are a bit "risque!" so for anyone easily offended, please look away now!!

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor
stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?", the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?...
"It means your baby has both male and female parts.
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the woman exclaimed...
You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!"

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her private parts.
Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Soz!!!!
Cla
xx

Smita · Post by **Smita** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:56 pm

The tampax and lettuce ones are gross, but fun to read once all the same!

smita

lynne · Post by **lynne** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:46 pm

Cla- just a quicky.
Tampax

And I liked the Burger King one.

NickiMark · Post by **NickiMark** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 5:02 pm

Cla.... you funny lady!!! some funny's there!!! christmas tampons!!! What ever next!!1 LOL!!!!

Smita, have you got the joke yet.....

Jen has it...

............Where's the soap, yes, it does doesn't it??
.............
Nun #1 was washing herself like one does in the bath, and nun #2 was using the soap to pleasure herself...... hence she's thinking....yes, it does wear the soap out, what with the friction.....Nun #1 had just lost the soap, and was asking an inocent question? where's the soap? the other nun was using it up the woman hole(!!!!!)

Wearing the soap out!!!!!

LOL!!!

Jeni Babes · Post by **Jeni Babes** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 6:31 pm

Cla
I was at physio today and while waiting in the waiting room i read a lot of readers digest jokes....2 of the ones you mentioned above were read by me not 3 hrs ago....I swear...what a coincidence eh! it was the burger king one and the granny one

the christmas tampax one was good...don't want Santa to help me with that

Smita do you mean we were posting at the same time this morning! 5.5 hrs apart! we could have gone to the chatroom

Nicki-

LOL

love
jen
xxx

Jeni Babes · Post by **Jeni Babes** » Tue Nov 15, 2005 8:36 pm

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"..........Arnold Schwarzenegger

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."..........Robert DE Niro

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."......Robin Williams

I love Robin williams and his CLASSIC humour. what do you guys think?
Jen
xxx

Smita · Post by **Smita** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:03 am

i agree with you on the robin williams sense of humour Jen.
Yep, lets fix up day time chat one day..

smita

Cla · Post by **Cla** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 11:10 am

Jeni,
Love the quotes. I'd heard the Guess one but not the others! Spooky about the jokes - especially as just after I read the post of yours, I got an email from a friend telling me the zoo joke!!!!

Cla
xx

Jeni Babes · Post by **Jeni Babes** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:51 pm

Cla- maybe it's cause of the full Moon............

Smita- let's do that. First i'll find out what's happening on Monday then we can make a date and time. Which day is best for you next week?

love and laughs to everyone
jen
xxx

Cla · Post by **Cla** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:00 pm

Hiya! I'd like a day time one!!!! Can do most days next week, but Tuesday would be especially good!!!!!!!!!

Oh, although most days I go home for lunch between 1.30 + 2.30 to watch Neighbours!!

Sad i know but I'm hooked!!!!
Let me know!
Cla
xx

lynne · Post by **lynne** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:48 pm

I don't have any jokes or positive thoughts today, but you might like to have a chuckle at the day I had yesterday.

All started well and about 11am the phone rang. An 'impressionist' wanting some singing lessons. I gave him the spiel- price, technique etc etc. Great. Then I asked his name. "Elvis" he replied, "Elvis Glass". I almost wet myself laughing.

A little later on I had a bit of free time so went shopping. I'm packing my bags and the assistant says "Is that your party piece, love?" I had no idea what he was talking about, so asked him to repeat himself.
"That! Do you drive them wild at the office parties?" I was still none the wiser. Turns out I'd been singing away to myself at the top of my voice, oblivious to everyone. Whoops.

So I have my nice bath (due to the fact the shower blew up on Monday and I nearly got fried), have my tea, pyjamas, film. Nice relax. 11pm the phone goes. It's the pianist for today's exams. She's fallen and spent all evening in the hospital. Turns out she's torn the ligaments in BOTH ankles and is in a wheel chair. So midnight finds me driving to Southport to collect the music for the kids. Of course I had to take the obligatory Mickey out of her for a while, so it was a very late night. Today I had to leave the Ofsted inspectors at school to go and play for them. I am SO bad, even the examiner took the P***
So just when you think things can't get any worse, just remember- you could be called Elvis or have both legs in a sling!

Cla · Post by **Cla** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:53 pm

Lynne!
Elvis Glass - how funny!!!!

Got an email today with a whole load of positive stuff, but it was the last line that caught my eye...............

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Thought it was really sweet (and I could use it as an excuse for an Angel smiley!!!!)

Cla
xx

NickiMark · Post by **NickiMark** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:01 pm

souris · Post by **souris** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:14 pm

hehe
always nice to pop in and have a laugh at all your jokes!!

I would like to contribuate but I really cant remember any jokes (i forget them as soon as I hear them, it's a curse!)

Continue the good work!!

souris
xxx

JOKES and POSITIVE THOUGHTS

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