How to convince spouse to adopt?

[zoegirl]

Has anyone been in the position of wanting to adopt, but can't convince the DH? We have one son via IVF and would love another but it looks like my health will prevent us. I'm not ready to accept defeat, but honestly he has pretty much said this is non-negotiable . . . do I just drop it and move on?

[kbat]

Just my 2 cents--but here it goes. We were able to do 3 iui and 6 ivf's at very minimal costs to us since our insurance covered it pretty much at 100%. We figured we would max out our insurance. It didn't work out for us. My dh is really against doing adoption. I am not sure if I would be or not, but would at least consider looking into options. However, my feeling is that if one of the parties involved is againt it (and this goes for adoption, having natural children), etc. then it's best not to do it. I think both have to be on the same page when it comes to having kids (again I think this is true regardless of how you have them). If both people aren't on the same page, then I don't think it'll work out. Maybe the one who didn't want it will be resentful somewhere down the line.... so, in my case once it became evident that we wouldn't have our own biological children, then I knew that was it..... It can be sad and heart-breaking, but I just think both people have to be on the same page when it comes to having kids...

[zoegirl]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but it sounds like you have a healthy approach to it. I think you are right. Fortunately, we may still have a shot at IVF. I've found a medication that will probably work for me and the RE and OB are ok with it. Thanks for your response and best wishes to you.

[kbat]

I wish you the very best.... I hope it works out for you.

I should add that my husband is a lawyer and once upon a time, he was involved (an the attorny) in a wrongful adoption case for an adoption agency. He kind of saw the worst case scenario on how the industry works and how an adoption might not work out. that's why he's against it. I don't think I can convince him to even look into it, so i have given up. I think sometimes once a person makes up his/her mind, it can be difficult to sway their views.

maybe if it doesn't work out, you could be foster parents? There wouldn't be necessarily any pressure to adopt and your dh could see how it goes???? I wish I could have at least looked into it--that's not to say we would have gone through w/ it. From what I hear, it's very costly, and that would probably deter me We don't have the $$ to pursue it (IVF was more or less free to me--probably spend about $200-$300 on doctor and medicine co-pays.) I know you can get a tax credit on your taxes, but still it's a lot of $ to shell out when you don't have it.... It's a tough decision when you desparately want a child. But if both people aren't in full agreement, it's hard to justify pursuing it too..

Good luck to you.... I wish you all the best and I hope that your dreams come true!

[gregsashinsky]

Thanks for sharing this post!!! It's very interesting point!!!

[MamaBoo]

I guess my question to this would be: what if the one who wants to adopts grows to resent the spouse who flat out refused to even look into other possibilities. Is it fair to take away that spouse's wish (need) to become a parent. I understand it is wrong to force one spouse into being a parent against their will, but isn't it just as wrong to force the other spouse to forgo being a parent?

[Sunshine1576]

I keep telling myself it's not going to be the end of the world if we never get that blessing of having a family someday, but it's hard to swallow that. All I know is whatever we do decide it solely has to be a joint decision. I want more than anything for something to happen before I get into my 40s but even with changing doctors to spending 20,000 more on treatment- I may not have that guarantee. I feel adoption gives us more of a chance to start that family sooner but I don't know when dh will ever be ready to pursue that. All I can get out of him is "We aren't quite there yet"...