cycle buddies - Jo, Caz and Sharon

caz · Post by **caz** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 7:17 am

thanks sharon I never thought I'd real this bad, just cant stop crying, keep trying to get dressed to go to work and then break down again. I'm really not sure theres any point at all in testing....this isnt spotting , its a period, I've even got the tummy ache to go with it now. I dont know what else I could have done, maybe I should have spent more time at home, not exercised, not had a drink on Saturday night...I dunno I do take your point that you have to do it more than once to play the stats game - but I just cant help but feel as if....we might not even get this far next time. We were so lucky to get ANY embryos this time, what is they can get ANY sperm next time, it was hard enough this time. DH was SO SO excited when we made embryos from his sperm, I'm not sure I'd ever see that look on his face if we used a donor. ok feeling very very sorry for myself now. And no DH here!! My dad has already been over, spoken to my Mum and my sister....everyone crying! I'm going down and I'm taking everyone with me!! Just looking forward to feeling better and going on holiday. Dreading this weekend tho - WAY too much family stuff to deal with. Help!! Is it too early in the day to start drinking do you think?! Feel like there were so many people routing for me and I've just let them all down so badly.

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 7:35 am

You haven't let us down, don't think like that. And you haven't done anything that would have given a different result. It just wasn't your time. God I feel useless, not much I can say will help you in the next few days, you just have to go through all the tears..... but it will get better. Sitting at my desk now with tears in my eyes and my chin quivering - just won't get any work done today. As regards getting more embryos, if it happened this time it can happen again just keep the hope with you. Lots of Love Sxxx

caz · Post by **caz** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 7:42 am

Thanks Sharon Just rand doc - he said basically its almost certainly all over - but he'd rather I still did the test. Am going in now to do it. Means I can get it over with and try to start feeling better. God - my fingers are crossed for all of you. Cazxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 8:09 am

Caz I'm so sorry. My clinic did tell me though that if I have ANY bleeding I must still do the test. Of course if my period started proper I would like you consider that there was no chance of a positive. You and your DH have got this far and you can do it again, so keep that in mind. You have let nobody down cos these problems we all have are not our fault, they're just natures cruelties like lots of disabilities are. Believe me, your family are only sad because you are sad, they are not feeling let down in any way. If you show them that you can be OK with a bit of time this will help them. Also, don't forget that the drugs have a big influence over how you feel. You can't actually be "yourself" whilst taking them. You can get through it although I know how awful it is and you think you'll never be happy again at the time - you will. You and your husband can support each other through it. Keep us posted Caz - we're all here for you - me, sharon, lorraine, and all the other girls who've written, and lots who are just readers are all feeling for you. Lots of Love - Jo. XXX PS - as for me today, I just dont know what to think any more. Can't think about anything else, can't work (although I'm sitting at my desk as normal, just wearing a glazed expression). Still have AF pains, mild but definately there. Not optimistic - I just want to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning cos every minute is torture. Am ready for a negative though and will try to brave it out as I have to work tomorrow. lots of love - jo. XX [Edited by Jo Locker on 10-Jul-03 09:18]

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 8:51 am

Dearest Caz I am so very very sorry for your tears and torment - whilst I agree with everyone that you still have to await the test result - this mornings events will have overtaken you and I feel sure there is now no reassuring or soothing you. You have let NO ONE down and you did NOTHING wrong - as painful as it is to deal with - if this really is a negative - it was just not meant to be THIS time. After all your hard work and courage and the wonders of modern science it comes down to luck. Cruel I know. As for your family - it is more than your poor heart can bear to see them so distressed I know - but they are just showing how much they love you and how much they wanted this for you, DH and themselves. Myself and and so many of the girls here have experienced your pain and know what a terrible loss you feel and how much you fear the future - right now........but it passes......thank fully as the hideous drug effects wear off your "real self" re-emerges and you can think and feel with more clarity - it makes a huge difference to how you cope with such dissapointment. I will finish now - only because I feel uncomfortable talking like this when you still have not had your results - you see we ALL still want there to be hope for you......and there is......because no matter what the result there can be other chances - but it is too soon for THAT TALK! Thinking of you, crying with you too. Lorraine. {{{{{{{{{Hug - can you feel it?}}}}}}}}}

caz · Post by **caz** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 9:15 am

it IS a negative. But I knew that already. Thanks for all your messages. I'll be ok - going to my mums later today, so i'll be offline for a few days. Good luck to all of you....maybe I've swayed the odds a bit in your favour ?! You all deserve it so much, probably more than I did given that it was my first shot. Will maybe try to see doc next week and discuss what to do next - cant really think straight. Will be very happy to not be taking anymore drugs for a bit!! Take care - keep the faith. and GOOD LUCK!! Cazx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 9:21 am

Caz, you DID deserve a positive, and you will get one. Keep going and chill at your Mums. I know you'll be thinking of us tomorrow even if you can't log on. When you plan your next strategy next week you will feel more hopeful, I promise you. Look forward to hearing from you next week and thank you for your support - I think we'll all be glad when tomorrow has been & gone. I will raise a glass to you (& to Sharon & Lorraine) on Saturday night. Wishing you a peaceful weekend - your DH will be back and it will all seem a little better for you. Lots of Love - Jo. XXXXXXXX

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 9:23 am

I am so sorry. Have you spoken to DH? How is he? Aren't mums just great? I just love that scoop and save action they do. They have the ability to arrive, take over, organise and dish out those soothing hugs - you are in safe hands my friend. Take care, thinking of you. Come back and let us know how you are doing soon. Peace to you and your family. Lorraine xxxxx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 9:39 am

Jo and Sharon are you Ok? This is hateful, Caz's pain is audible I can't stop crying for her and yet it feels like we are just left "standing" wondering what or who will be next. Not trying to negative - its just all a bit tooo real and scary now. Are you both at work all day? Im glad to be at home - I'm still in my pyjamas! Still no AF symptoms at all - but didn't get any last time. Af usually arrives 13th night for me - so she may be just around the corner! Despite sounding it - I don't actually feel negative - in truth I am having trouble feeling ANYTHING - this weird quietness remains - can feel pain for Caz and worrying for you guys - but feel a bit shut off from my own thoughts. To be honest - I think I prefer it this way - no point in falling apart now - on my own at home. Do feel ready to just face this "thing" now. Although STILL haven't actually bought a pg test. Perhaps I am in denial - and I am not planning on testing at all!!!!! From the WEIRD one Lorraine {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{family hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Sorry couldn't write "group hug" - just too corny - but felt we all needed a hug with Caz!

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 9:45 am

Caz, So very sorry. But you will come back with hope again. Take care of yourself, do all the things you haven't been able to for the last few weeks. Like Jo said we will all raise a glass on Saturday (hopefully some of us non-alcoholic). Come back next week and tell us how you are doing. Here's a big hug for DH to {{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:08 am

Hi girls. Lorraine I recognise the sort of "nothingness" feeling you describe very well. I am at work all day but would love to be in pyjamas (not at the same time as being at work obviously) Our computer system for work is off-line for an hour from now for upgrades so I'm surfing the internet, having a look on e-bay, etc trying to take my mind off things - works for about 6 seconds at a time!! I'm OK, I will be OK tomorrow if its negative - there's just no choice. As you know, we have told no-one so my DH and I just have to hug together and plod on. I am wishing you all BIG FAT POSITIVES. Jo. xxxxxxxx PS: I will be able to post my result tomorrow morning at about 9:00am (ie when I get to work) - when will you both be posting??

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:27 am

Hi girls, I'm a bit calmer now, had a big lump in my throat all this morning trying not to cry. Need to keep it together at work as no one knows here. Lorraine, you are soooo lucky being at home. Don't know if I'll make it in tomorrow if it's a negative. I will post as soon as I know, so anytime between now and 9.00am. I really have got my fingers crossed for all of us. Sxxx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:51 am

I will probably post about the same time then. Right while we are all calm for 2 minutes - normal chat...... Jo have you organised anything about the family wedding? Will you still go? More importantly (!) have you got a great outfit? Sharon - have you managed to do any nice wedding planning this week? Whilst it doesn't make it easier for you - it is good that you have such a beautiful event to plan for and something so very special to look forward to whatever the outcome. My cousin got married in Gretna and we had a really lovely day - are your family going to attend too - or are you really eloping???? Me - Im still in my pyjamas - and plan to stay in them ALL day! How wicked is that!!!! Have now managed to wash, and brush my hair though - thought you'd be pleased to know!!! OK - it's no good the minds wandering again - well at least I was "normal" for what 2 minutes??? Not bad eh??? Lorraine

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 10:59 am

Hi Lorraine - think you have me mixed up with the family wedding thing - no family wedding for me as far as I know, (thank goodness!!) What will you do this weekend if it's negative? What will you do if it's positive? I think for me, either result will involve a lot of sitting around staring into space. One result will definately involve a lot of drinking. If its positive I'm sure I'll want to look at pictures of baby stuff in magazines, etc,. I daren't even think that far ahead but aren't those dreams wonderful!!?! I just picture myself going through the same routine as last time. Staring at the little window for way longer than you should, willing the line to appear but watching it stay blank blank blank. Trying to stay ++++++ for the last few hours. I can't wait for tomorrow to be here. JO. XXXXXXXX

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 10, 2003 11:20 am

ooops soory Jo - it's poor Caz who has the family wedding on Saturday. I think you sound like me - I reckon I would be way more shocked to get a positive result! It's not that I don't have an optimistic outlook - but I am a realist - so I don't allow myself much room for false hope. I suppose my mum and dad will come down to see us - they are about 3 hours drive away - and I haven't seen them since we started the cycle - not ashamed to say I have missed my mum's hugs. If its good news - I think I will be in shock and if it's bad - I'll still be in shock - but I just will not know it! At the risk of freaking everyone out - I wanted to ask about "biochemical pregnacy" I know what it is - but does it happen a lot? I can't get it out of my head - and just think even if it's a positive result - can I believe it???? Oh god have I just opened another can of worms for everyone else? I think I will phone the clinic. Sorry Lorraine Called clinic - Nurse there not REALLY sure what I am going on about??! Talked about the test not being able to "pick up" the traces of the HCG we injected prior to egg collection - but that's not what I meant - I thought there was a chance of a feintly "weak" positive if the embryos have failed to implant properly (or with ectopic). Is this only with blood tests? Anyway nurse said if it's positive - it's positive - so I think I am suppossed to just stop worrying uneccessarily!! Sorry guys - I thought I was calm - now I am rambling on and on!!!! It's just it's been niggling away at me for days now. L xxx [Edited by Lorraine on 10-Jul-03 12:47]

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