3rd try at iui + feeling down

jackiey · Post by **jackiey** » Fri Jul 18, 2003 7:12 pm

Hi everyone Just thought i'd let you know af appeared today so we're having our 3rd go at iui, 1st was abandoned 2nd negative result so here we go on the rollercoaster again. I've not been posting much recently but i have been reading the posts its just that i've been feeling really crap about this ivf business, i know i shouldn't be negative but i've been having doubts about the success of iui, even though Diane30 getting pregnant has given me some hope, i have been getting scared about the whole iui/ivf thing and at one point thought i couldn't do it again, its just so much pressure and theres something to worry about everyday that we're having the tmt, like are there gonna be the right amount of follies is the insemination gonna go okay and then the dreaded 2ww. last year i got quite ill with being fed up and i'm scared to get like that again, i know the tmt is something we have to do if we want a baby and we all really want that other wise we would never put ourselves through it i'm just scared that i'm not strong enough to cope with the dissapointment month after month. I will carry on with the tmt because if i stopped i would be even more fed up because i will not have done everything possible to make our dream come true and another thing its easy for me to think i don't want to do it cos i know that the tmt is there waiting for me if that was took away i would me a complete mess, hope i've made a bit of sense there and not rambled too much. I know we have to be strong and PMA but sometimes thats soooooooooo difficult, probably feeling this miserable due to hormones, how much am i moaning tonight?????? Very sorry. Will keep you posted and next time i'll try not to depress you all. Lots of Love Jackie

Missy1 · Post by **Missy1** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 2:54 am

Hi Jackie, Just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel. I feel so emotional right now, some days are OK when I don't think about it too much or I'm just Ok with it, other days I'm so downright miserable. I've had one failed IUI, then a failed IVF, then I had my left tube removed (hydrosalpinx) and I'm having IVF again in September. This will be my last try and I will be 38 in Sept so if it doesn't work, this is it for me. We know that the treatment does work but to me it seems like the lottery! But one things for sure, if you don't buy a ticket you will never win!! So, we gotta try and keep that PMA, I have a whole list of do's and dont's which I live by every day so at least if it fails I can't blame myself. Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble on .... Good Luck for your third go, and think +ve, remember third time lucky! Love Missy

july ann · Post by **july ann** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 7:49 am

hi jackie it is ok to feel down, this tmt is so stressful you are bound to have your off day's. i waiting to start tmt again had 2 goes at icsi and fet but still no pg , so know how you feel. my sister inlaw has just had another baby boy and i have to go and see them today. I'm dreading it as i now i will be so jealous. I bet i will cry. hb and i are not getting on to good at the moment, I feel as if he does not understand the need i have to get my baby.We have been together 11 years but ivf is really testing us. all the girl's on this site must have had a bad day few day's like us. it is just so good to get it all of your chest. i do not know if have helped much, but wanted to let you know you are not alone. good luck with your tmt and speak to you soon.. from july ann

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 8:04 am

hello Jackie, dont think your depressing us all, thats what the board is here for,whether it be happy feelings or sad feelings, we can share them with people who understand how we feel and are going through those same feelings as you are now. try not to lose hope. Remember theres a board on the other side full of ladies who have once felt like us! wishing you all your deams come true jackie, kathryn x

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sat Jul 19, 2003 8:27 am

Hi Jackie - I'm sorry you're having a down time. These cycles are just so hard and so much stress I do think its difficult for those who aren't actually going through it to understand. We're on our 5th treatment cycle (4 IVF/ICSIs and now an FET), and for me its been really important to put a limit on how long we're going to carry on putting ourselves through this. We've decided once we've used the frosties we'll have one more fresh cycle and then call it a day, whether or not its worked. Of course, at that point we may feel differently, but psychologically its been really important for us to be able to see an end point to the rollercoaster. Obviously this is very different for you as I guess if IUI doesn't work out then you've got the whole possibility of IVF? I don't know whether its worth you talking to your doctor about how many goes at IUI its worth trying, just to get a feel for how long you could be in that situation. Also, do think about taking a month or two off - the relentlessness of these cycles can really get to you. Sorry, I'm rambling on! Really just wanted to say sorry you're feeling down and wish you lots of luck for the next cycle. Love Alison x

GB · Post by GB » Sun Jul 20, 2003 10:29 am

Hey Jackie.. I hope that by now you're feeling a bit better. I know that this IVF thing can be a real roller coaster at times and it takes a while to pick yourself up after the initial shock of hearing the bad news.... I've had 3 failed IVF attempts and it doesn't get easier each time...but with PMA and the strength and willingness to go on...you'll get there eventually. I really like what Missy said...if you don't buy the lottery ticket, you won't even stand a chance of winning....so one has to pick oneself up and continue, even if we don't land up winning in the end...at least we got the ticket and tried our best!!! So give yourself time to pick yourself up...but try to keep positive and not let things get you too down...it'll happen eventually!!! Anyway, it might be good to have a break for a short while..just to gather strength and energy...and then it's "all systems go ahead!" So good luck on the next loop of the rollercoaster ride... Thinking of you all the way...and hope that there are more ups than downs... Take care and lots of love PMA all the way!! Love Gila x-x-x

diane30 · Post by **diane30** » Sun Jul 20, 2003 2:09 pm

hi jackie just a quickit to say hope your feeling a bit better, is there no chance you can go away for a few days after tmt,to give you chance to relax? hope you can love di

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Sun Jul 20, 2003 3:04 pm

Hi Jackie, Just wanted to send you my best wishes, all this chasing the baby dream is exhausting isn't it? It is all consuming and so very hard on you and everyone around you. Please don't feel afraid to share your feelings - even if you do feel down as it is both helpful for you to offload those fears and beneficial to the rest of us too. I have just had a 3rd -ve IVF and have no plans to try again now. I feel so lost right now but listening to how others feel makes me feel realise I am not alone and the way we feel is normal - something you can so easily lose sight of! I agree with you that having the tmt itself helps keep you afloat - the lack of hope is something I am having the most difficulty coming to terms with. It sounds like over time you are accumulating grief and fear - something I know I have experienced with each negative result - I know you said you were ill last year - what have you done to recover? Have you tried counselling or complimentary therapies? I have been having counselling, regular reiki and manicures! I just felt that this tmt and desire to have a baby takes SO much out of us and our bodies that it was time to put something back. Maybe you need a break as others have suggested or maybe you need to find a new crutch to lean on! Whatever it is - when you find it - let us know so we can try it too! I am sure much of what you wrote was born of the worry and fear as you start another IUI, I hope just sharing it has helped, we are all here for you. Keep us up to date with what is happening. Thinking of you for the next tmt. Lots of love Lorraine xxxxxx

jackiey · Post by **jackiey** » Mon Jul 21, 2003 12:17 pm

Hi everyone Thanks for all your replies, it really does help coming on here. you feel so alone when you type your thread but then when you get loads of replies you know that you are not alone. I don't feel as bad today about the tmt i think it was worse because af had just appeared and hormones were all over the place. I had fun (not) at the hospital on saturday but i'll start a new thread to tell you about that!! July Ann, how did you go on when you seen your sister in law, i know how difficult that is, if you're like me you can cope with it for a bit then as soon as you leave you just burst into tears, i hope it wasn't too bad for you and i hope you and dh can get through your rough patch, that is also another one of my fears that it will affect mine and dp's relationship, he says it won't but once you're under the pressure of ivf and with all the hormones being up the wall its not going to be easy. Alison if this iui cycle doesn't work then i think we will speak to the hospital to decide if we will give it another go or whether to go straight onto ivf. Lorraine, i'm so sorry to hear that its not worked for you and what you are going through is far worse than where i am at now, I have tried to think of something I can say to you but nothing i say will make it any easier for you, just knowing that there are all the girls on this site here for you, to be able to talk to and who know in some way what you are going through, i hope this can make it easier.Does that make sense? As for being ill last year,there were a lot of reasons for me being fed up in the end i ended up on tablets, i didn't want to go on them but they did help, also when i was ill we still thought we had to wait 3 yrs for tmt but towards the end of the year we found out the list had been shortened and we could start after 18mths waiting, so knowing that the tmt could start sooner helped loads, it give me something to look forward to and then i had to come off the tablets to be able to do the tmt but i managed that without too many side effects. I have had counselling at the hospital where i have my tmt but this was while i was still on the waiting list, i have not had any since being on the tmt, i'll just see how it goes. anyway i've rambled on far too much Thank you to everyone who replied and Missy lets hope this months ticket is a winning one. Good luck to everyone Love Jackie

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