ASIAN GIRLS !!

[Sita]

Hi All,

I believe there are lots of Asian girls from India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, China etc so I thought I should start a thread.

I am Indian origin and was born in Sri Lanka. There are so many superstitions / beliefs I have heard about conceiving like ;

a. Do not eat Pineapples or Papaws when you are trying to conceive.
b. Eat a lot of managoes
c. Have picture of a baby on the wall.

Do any of you want to add anything else to this list. Are these beliefs true ? Will love to hear your views on this.

I am going to start my second IVF cycle in April after a break. I am hoping everything will be smooth this time.

Good luck to all you girls !!
Lots of love,
Sita

[tinaviju]

hi Sita and other girls,
I'm Tina.I am from India,kerala.just joining n the asian gang!It's great to have this thread.In India not being able to have a child is considered being a social outcast atleast by the older generations.So we have to deal with that along with the pain of infertility.,its great to discuss all these crazy feelings I have ,here on sites like this.It's like having a free physcologist.(always have a problem with this spelling).It's hard to share all this with friends unless they are real close to you.But I know everyone on this site has felt same emotions as I felt-the hope,despair,anger,excitement,loss ,faith,strength,frsutration,confusion and many others that which just don't understand even.So this is a great place to find strength from others storys like Sita's and recharge ourselves!Best wishes to all,Tina

[Sita]

Hi Tina,

Yes, I agree. In the Asian culture, relatives look at you as if you are some sort of outcast if they know you are infertile. They remind you about it constantly and also make a joke out of it sometimes. I have seen it happen to some girls. My husband and I are maried for 6 years and there has been endless speculation and questions from family members. They also compare you to other girls who have just had babies. It can be quite suffocating when they constantly remind you about having children. Don't they think we know about this already ?

I have not spoken about our fertility problems to anyone in the family except my mother and my DH's mother. Sometimes my DH's mother dismisses the fact that my DH also has a problem. She speaks to me as though I am the only one with the issues. It hurts me so much. I am so glad that my DH stands up for me and defends me. Well, it is expected from MIL's I suppose.

I am also so glad that I can share my experiences with you Tina and the other girls. Sometimes, it is good to let some steam out and not have everything bottled up. It is great to talk about all of this and share our experiences. The messages on this site has helped me so much and make me feel that I am not the only person going through this challenging phase...

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement.

Good luck to all you girls out there.

Love and best wishes,
Sita

[Smita]

Hi Sita and Tina,
Can totally understand where you are coming from- but have been soo blessed to have loving inlaws and an awesome dh..
Personally I told all close friends and relatives that I was going in for IVF due to my tubes being blocked- thing is, I prefer that I talk about it, than people speculate about what is wrong- why dont they have kids even after 8 years of marriage etc..
I hope this thread is useful for whoso ever wants to talk about it .. there was a thread on the intro forum by saroj who wanted us to join a yahoo group or something, i havent found the time to go look as yet..
Where are you both in treatment? as in at what stage?
Wishing you both good luck!

hugs,
smita

[shez]

hey im asian muslim... im 23 my husband is 25... from uk... just about to start my second ivf treatment...

just thought id say hi...

wishing u all the very best

[NickiMark]

Im not from india etc... but just wanted to add here about the Baby picture on the wall, I was reading a book about FENG SUI!!! (think that might be spelt wrong, but sure u all know what i mean!!)
In the book it said about baby picture on the wall, at the oposite side of the bed, so I guess it's when u are having sex u look at it!!!

I dont know, I wouldnt like that personally!! But if it works cool!!!

[tinaviju]

Hi Sita,Smita and Shez,

Smita, Congratulations on your newbaby! I can imagine how precious she must be to you after the struggle you had to have her.Enjoy her! I hear they grow up real fast!You are quite popular on this site! I have read most of your encouraging posts! It's great your inlaws are supporting yet no interfering or judgemental.That's a big gift to a marriage! It takes a big load of your chest.And that helps you in being more open with relatives.I feel I am being judged by every word that comes out of my mouth!My MIL specailly is very interfering .She doesn't understand the pain I feel,but would understand anything her daughter goes through.She was quite upset when she came to know that dh had the low count,She was sure it would be me!But even after knowing that she asked me if the doctor had checked my ovaries.She indirectly went on to tell me about 2 cases where both the men had problems,but after checking their wives,they foound out they had some ovary problem.After operating on both the girls they became pregnant the very next month! I read Sita your Mil does the same stuff! I feel bad that dh has to have the problem but I am happy he has it and not me just because of her! If not I would be in hot water. I could go on & on on the MIL topic!

Many of my relatives want to know what is happening.Some of them want to know just because they are nosy ,want to gossip and not because they care about me..It doesn't bother me how much time they want to waste speculating on possible reasons.But I know when some ask,they are asking out of genuine concern and with the intention of giving me support or comfort.I only feel comfortable sharing with those people.I had a relative who told me that I had to be honest with everyone and tell everyone that God hasn't blessed me yet with a child if they ask.I shouldn't lie saying that we are not trying to have a child.That's what I usually say to avoid further discussions.But if you tell people that,it doesn't end their curiosity.They want to know every little detail.Who has the problem,can it be solved,what treatment are you doing,did it work,why didn't it work,will it ever work and so on.They are like the papparazzi! That just adds to the stress that is already there.

Thanks for being here to share my feelings with.Shez you seem so young to be already doing your 2nd ivf attempt! Did you get married early?Hope things work out for everyone.I think all these inlaw and infertilty experiences just make us stronger.I was quite a timid person before.But now am tougher and am slowly gaining strength to speak up.So some good things do happen!Take care all,Tina

[Chel]

hi Tina, shez, sita and smita,

Smita - Oh my! I cant believe time runs so fast, how's the little one? My love goes to her.

Hi girls, I m from India living in singapore. I totally agree with you guys on the in law's thing. We have been trying to conceive for the past 7 years but we have not told this to anyone except my MIL. I had to tell her if not she will blame me for the infertility, its not that I want to blame it on DH, its just to stop her from going around telling everyone that her DIL is unable to conceive. How silly that it is like this in our culture? why cant people take infertility as a healthproblem just like anything else, why must they say that we are cursed? Gosh I hate it. I have already been through too much, my relatives all have big mouth thats why i do not want to tell anyone anything, when they ask I will simply say I m studying and want to climb up my career ladder before having children. Though this is true to a certian extend and am constantly studying ever since i found out our problem, I still long to have a child and settle down.

love all

[reddy]

I wanted to post after reading tinaviju's reply. Forget about these MIL, SIL things. Just don't care about them(I know, just saying is easy). I think you are all young in early/late 30's, and one day you all WILL bear a child!!!!!!! Time solves everything. BE STRONG ladies.

GOOD LUCK

Reddy

[Smita]

Hi girls,
I'm so excited these days as I'm going back to join dh after a year of separation almost!I'm just worried that something will happen to jinx it..Very negative of me huh?But will believe it when I am there only, like only when I saw dhruvaa can I believe she's mine.
Chel,
I didnt know you were from India- alwayts assumed u were from singapore-of chinese origin or something!
Shez,
How is your treatment going?
Tina,
It must be irritating to have a mean MIL, but like u say we get tough every day huh?
Sita,
Just off the topic, I love your name!
Reddy,
How are you coping now?How is dd?

hugs,
smita

[Chel]

Hi smita,

great to know that you are going back to DH, I know how you feel. My DH often goes overseas for 3 or 6 months and each time we unite its like falling in love for the first time. What more with a bundle of joy in hand for you now. Dont know why, I feel so excited for you.

Keep posting, its great to have you in the site.

love all

[Sita]

Hi Girls,

I am so glad that all of us can share our experiences and give each other
encouragement and support.

Reddy, thank you for your encouraging words to all of us. Good luck to you too.

Tina & Chel,

I can understand exactly how you feel as I feel the same way. When my MIL comes to visit us, she sometimes reminds me that no one else from my DH's side has a fertility problem and also reminds me that my DH's brother has 3 children. This implies that there is a problem with my side of the family. She even made an appointment with a consultant who specialises in miscarriages. I am not sure why ?? She seems to be convinced that the infertility is more becuase of me than my DH. My DH and I decided to cancel this appointment on the pretext that we don't want to confuse issues because we are so close to the next IVF cycle.

I remind my MIL that my periods are sometimes regular and that I may be ovulating even though I have PCOS. Sometimes, it is annoying that we have explain oursleves to our MIL's and it can be stressful. Now, I try not to talk about IVF too much with my MIL. She is a nice person in all other aspects though and we get along quite well.

Some of our relations too speculate about children so that they can gossip and feel superior. I feel they are so petty and inconsiderate. I try and avoid speaking to thsee people. Similar to you Chel, I tell them that I am studying and busy with work. I then try to change the topic. I feel that I am sometimes covering up a social stigma. It is strange that we need to feel this way ?!! Atleast, we all know that we are not alone and that it is an issue with our culture.

I am sure all of us will be successful and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. God is just testing our strength. I know we can get through this.

Smita,

Congratulations !! I am sure you are enjoying your special gift. Your struggle and achievement is an inspiration to us all. You are lucky to have great in-laws. It is a blessing !!


Shez,

Just like Tina's note above. I too think you are young and have time to try out different options. Try not to worry too much. The treatment can be an emotional rollercoaster, but hang in there. You are not alone !!


Thank you all for your spportive words..Remember.. God give good things to those you wait.. So our babies will be extra special when they arrive !!! Good luck to all of you !

Love,
Sita

[tinaviju]

Hi girls,
great to keep reading everyone's replies.Chel (your name makes me want to sing the song "Chaiya Chaiya"!)You said it perfectly -"Why don't people look as infertility as a medical condition instead of as a reason to blame others.Reddy you also said it correctly about not spending time on all these inlaw issues.While they are enjoying themselves,I am wasting my time thinking of this and that.I get upset and just loose my peace of mind when I think of them.The last month when I did my ivf cycle,I thought of them hardly as I was so busy thinking about no of follicles,their size,injections,....etc...No wonder I was so happy!

I take out all my frustration on poor dh,as I hesitate saying what's on my mind to my inlaws..My dh tries to support me when it comes to these issues but feels he has to respect his parents and really hesitates to say "no" to anything.My FIL is nice.But my MIL is so interfering not only in the infertilty part.And also very greedy when it comes to the money part.

I have a perfect memory when it comes to anything they say or do , I keep replaying all that in my head.I am studying for my MBA,but have a real difficult time remembering any of my subject material ! Very Selective Memory!

Though not being able to have kids is very painful,i can deal with it.I am real strong in handling the -ves.In the end I know i will have a child naturally or through adoption.But I don't know how to handle people like these.It affects my marriage as dh and I will end up fighting about this and that. That hurts more than not having a baby.The only good thing I can think of is growing stronger from this.I believe everything in our lives happens for a specific reason.Every painful and difficult incident will mold us to a final, beautiful ,strong person.I should keep replaying this tape in my mind instead!

I am glad I am miles away from them.But however far they are,they will always be a part of our lives since they are dh's parents.So I feel I can't forget about them,instead I need to learn social skills of talking to them respectfullt yet assertively.Thay way they will know they can't toy with my feelings.If any one can help me with this part it will be great!I am just taking baby steps here.

I am sorry I was ranting on and on about my inlaws on an infertilty message board!Hope I didn't put you all to sleep.
Sita are you gearing up for your next cycle? Even I wanted to try the accupuncture before my FET,as this is my last try for this year..But don't know which is a good clinic.I spoke to one clinic which is close by.Ive got to go and visit it.They are quite expensive 130$ for ist consultation and 85$ for next visits.How is it there ?Let's see.
Smita,you must be counting down the days to be with hubby! Safe journey and all the best wishes.You deserve every bit of it !You are on the other side of the fence and can continue giving us hope(in between breastfeeding,diapering and no sleep)!:lol: Take Care.

Love to all,Tina

[Chel]

Hi smita, sorry forgot to tell you something, I am from chennai and am married to a singaporean. I m in singapore for more than 7 years.

Hi tina,
I can relate very well on how you feel abt MIL. It happened to me initially. MIL did not accept that her son has the problem. she kept saying nobody in their family had this prob and pointed out that one of my aunt had children only after 15 years of marriage and so I could be like her. she kept suggesting all kinds of treatment for me until one day I told her that I cant waste money on such things and that I want to take this opportunity to study. I also added that actually the both of us are not very keen on babies right now. After that I became busy and did not have much time to talk to her abt this matter. we did not tell her abt our first ivf and so i did not get her support or help. she would expect me to do the cooking and housekeeping everyday and I continued to do it even after my ET. One day after the failed ivf she asked me why I look moody and I burst into tears and I told her I m not sure if we will ever have a child but I did not give her any explanation. From then on she would not ask me much abt it or would not pass any remarks. This is just one problem I faced with her, there were many other problems during the 3 years we were together. AFter we moved to our own house things started to change. She would ask me on and off how things are and would tell me that I cant have a child because I dont go to temples anymore. I dont take any of her words seriously anymore. I would simply smile at her and change topic. Now I am able to empathise with her for not having a grandchild while all her brothers and sisters have many grandchildren.

I should say that my DH also played an important role in bringing us together. He simply made it very clear to his mum that we will leave everything to fate and would be working on our career.

Another reason why we dont hav much problem like before is because of my job. I am a preschool principal and my job can be very stressful at times so I hav no time to brood on her words.

Now I have more or less forgiven her for all that she had done to me, like u mentioned, I have really grown from these probs.

I know that for your case this would be a little difficult as in india parents have say in their son's lives even after marriage.

Hope my experience helps u in any way. I can also talk abt MIL probs for hours ha ha ha.

love all

[Chel]

Hi sita,
Our problem seems somewhat similar. You seem to be optimistic, good keep up the PMA. I have stopped attending all the functions and gatherings since we found out the prob. We join in our immediate family gathering (His mum and brothers) and once a year with my immediate family in India, thats all. I know that becoming ati-social is not the right way of dealing with the problem but this is the only way of staying peaceful (I hav mentioned that my relatives all hav big mouth).

take care