ASIAN GIRLS !!

[Chel]

Hi tina,
MY DH and MIL all are singaporeans (born in singapore). I m from india came here after marriage. Wait, wait! You mentioned that DH sends money to his mum, so where do you & DH live (I thought you live with your ILs in Kerala)? (sorry for my ingnorance).

Take care all

[tinaviju]

Hi chel,
I stay in the U.S miles away from them.But I had my ist ivf when i went on vaction to inida for dh's younger sis's wedding in 2004.Is your husband and inlaws originally inidan or are there originally singaporean.You said you were distant reltives earlier.Forgive my ignorance too!

[Chel]

Tina,
DH and MY great grandparents were siblings, his grandparents migrated (ran away to get married) to singapore some 60 years ago and thus he and MIL are singaporeans (hope I m not confusing you with historical romance, hee hee). His maternal uncle was married to my aunt and thus we had kept in touch for years. I met him in 1998 when he came to visit india for the first time. Well, its a long and incredible story. I m the only one from India in his family, the rest are all locals.

Oh my, I cant believe your MIL has the power to play with your emotions from miles apart, she must be really scary. So, your next tmt will be in US right? If i were you I wouldn't care about my ILs at all as they are miles away. I think its a good opportunity for you to prepare yourself to be strong and assertive in front of your MIL in the future (am i teaching u to be a bad DIL? Na, na, I think thats the way women should be in this century).

So, do you have friends in US? How long have you been in there? Are you to PR? Any idea of settling there perpanently?

Hi all
About IVF, is there any particular indian food that we should avoid during the tmt?

Take care girls

[shez]

what indian food should u not eat for ivf...?

[Sita]

Hi Girls,

It is so interesting to read all your messages. I too check this site regulalrly and am pleased to see all your messages. It is so great that we can be so open with each other.

I had my first acupuncture session today and it was good. My acupunturist recommended that I have weekly sessions throughout the cycle even after ET. He seemed quite knowledgable and has treated alot of other women who are going through IVF.

One thing he recommended for women who are trying to get pregnant is a vitamin with magnesium and Zinc. Apparently it is essential for the body. He also recommeded multi vitamins for me.

Tina,

With regards to MIL issues, I think you are now in an advantageous position because you are miles apart from her. It is good that you are not keeping her informed about everything. It is best this way I think. If not, she will be trying to rule your life from the sounds of it. I suppose your MIL is so difficult because she must have had a difficult time with her MIL and now she thinks it is her turn to be wicked. I can imagine that it must be intimidating for you to be around your MIL and SILs at the same time. I was happy when I heard that my DH had no sisters

I agree with Chel. I think we have to stand up for ourselves and let the ILs know that we are not their doormats. We are not the prototype DILs from the 70's. Times have changed and so will we. They must understand that !! I remember I was not working for sometimes when I first came to UK, but when I started working I felt a sense of independance. I knew that I can buy what ever I want and spend my money on presents for my family without my MIL speculating. My MIL also knows that I am independant and will not dance to her tune because I am not dependant on her or my DH.

My MIL offered to pay for the IVF but I refused because I know she will use this for emotional blackmail and will have the upper hand later. DH and I do not tell her about any monetary matters. MIL is semi-retired and thankfully works as well, so she and FIL do not depend on us for any money matters. I can imagine it is difficult and tricky in your situation, as DH feels obliged to support his parents.

Some how get all the jewellery back the next time Tina. This way, they will know that they don't have any "hold" on you.

I hope all goes well with you my dear. One day, I am sure your MIL will feel bad about everything she is doing to you. I always remind myself.. "What goes around.. comes around !!" Your MIL will realise this soon enough !

Shez,

On the topic of food, I don't know of any specific Asian food that is good or bad but know that we should avoid Liver (of chicken, goat etc) and also soft cheese (like brie etc)

I hear that all fruits especially Promegranade and mangoes are good. Apparently it is best to void pineapples and papaya.

I was advised to take Folic acid even before conceiving. So I am taking a 5mg tablet every day.

Did you find a acupuncture centre Shez ? Hope everything went well with your appointment.

Chel,

I really enjoy reading your messages as well. You give good advise and I share your views on most things. Keep up the great work !!

My family is partly in the US ,Sri Lanka and Australia. They are scattered all over. My darling father passed away in Dec 2004 but my mother is in SL at the moment. She will be here with me in May.

I used to live in Anna Nagar and also studied in Ooty. I loved it there. I was young then and spent time in India between the age of 7 and 11 years. I have not been to India for the last 15 years but my FIL goes every year for 4 months. DH and I hope to visit Chennai soon.

Hope everything else is going well with you. Have you been to see the Doc yet ?

Shall close now. DH is waiting to have dinner..

Take care girls...
Love and hugs,
Sita

[Chel]

Hi girls,
I saw doc in Dec, I will be starting my medications once AF arrives in May. Huh! May seems a long way.......

I m actually supposed to prepare myself mentally and physically for the tmt but i m not really doing that. fistly i m working like crazy (very stressful lately because of the HFMD disease outbreaks in preschools here), secondly no one to help around at home so always end up tired and weak after all the work, the scariest thing is I m eating crap (fast food) everyday as no time to cook, finally whatever time left is spent on surfing the net like mad. Wow! what a healthy life am i living, think its time i do something about it.

sita,
My family lives about a km from anna nagar west. Chennai is not like before, everything has changed esp the crowd is unbearable everywhere. Be careful when you eat out as you will easily get stomach problems. the last time i was there i was hospitalised twice for food problems (choose good restraunts). i was really surprised of the way my body reacted to when i ate certain food (may be i m used to eating too much of chinese food in singapore for the past 7 yrs).

Thanks for your advise on food (luckily its not my favourite ha ha). I m thinking of going for accupunture, is it ok to just go for once or twice or should we continue regularly?

Take care all

[Sita]

Hi Chel,

I too get tired after work these days (as it is year end time !!) but I try and cook in the weekends so that I know there is home cooked food in the fridge for atleast 2/3 days. The other days too, I try and eat as healthily as possible. Try and also make some fruit smoothies (just blend the fruits you like with some frest orage juice). This is quite filling and also healthy.

It is very important that we prepare our body for the treatment. I am also hoping to do alot of exercise. I used to eat alot of fast food and put on about 10 kgs after marriage. I am now trying to slowly shed those kgs.

Thanks for the tips on Chennai food. I got Typhoid, Jaundis (I think it is spelt like this ) etc because of the water. I think I will have to be extremely careful the next time.

Coming back about the point on family probs, Have any of you girls experienced problems with mothers (not MILs) ? I used to get along so well with my mother but recently (after my father's death) it is very strained. In fact, even today she said some really hurtful things to me and I was in tears for a long time. I think I am going to avoid being in touch with her for sometime as I am going to start my treatment soon.
My DH is so supportive. He calmed me down. It is my fate that I have probs from both sides (ILs and my family).

Take care girls .. Wishing you loads of luck !!
Sita

[tinaviju]

Hi girls,
Sorry i was away for a while,I was reading all your posts though.
I had a little fight with dh and was little mood of My dh's younger sister has been married only 1 1/2 years .She is so ultra spoilt and protected .Noone says anything to her.MIL has put her on a pedestal because she is fair and tall(one inch taller than me!).All this totally bugs me.But now she has a 3 month old baby girl.I am filled with jealousy .As dumb as it sounds ,I feel she stole my dream.Whenever I hear any news about her baby or her I get all moody and start crying.This is bugging dh.He says why is it I only get like this when there is some news about her .Why don't I become jealous if any of my friends talks about their babies.She being my near relative,makes me feel more bad than any friend having a baby.Plus the fact that I don't get along with her makes me more J.I find it so difficult to be happy for her .I am meanieee.
Shez you said your Sil was also pregnant and already has another kid.You stay together also.How do you handle it.Is she nice to you.Is she your dh's sister or dh's brother's wife?Chel you also have co sisters right?Do they have kids?What about you Sita?


Sita,sorry to hear you're experiencing emotional problems with your mom.You have been through a lot and so has she.You both need each other . Is she just trying to have an emotional release after your dad passed away or was she like this before.I know it must be very hard for you.She is the one person you have left,whose support you want.It hurts more when our parents say hurtful things than our inlaws saying stuff.We expect inlaws to say mean things.But with our parents it is different.I have also felt the same way at times with my mom. Just because she is your mom ,let it pass this time.But if you want ,let her know how you feel and how much you need her support in this big thing you are planning.I'm sure she also must be feeling bad about hurting your feelings.If she doesn't feel that way ,it's okay also.She will come around to it sooner or later.

My mom like I said earlier is a very emotional person..She was angry at dh for not speaking up and used to always speak very badly about him to me.She would tell me to tell him this and that.It was to the point of being interfering.I can understand her sentiments ,but I felt she should help solve problems,not make me feel more miserable and fight with dh.At first I never used to tell her anything,just listen to everything.But then I had enough.It was really depressing me .I know my dh isn't perfect,he must be stronger and speak up ,but he does have his good points.But she wouldn't see any of that.She didn't like it when i told her that i don't want to hear any more stuff about dh.I wil handle him.But I had to do it.She still is not so ultra fond of him ,but has reduced a bit in talking atuff about him.I don't tell my mom any stufff about my inlaws or ivf as she just worries and will get all hyper.She will be yelling at me and dh.

I feel that the best gift you can give your kids is -they are free to come and share their problems with you ,knowing they won't be judged or put down,but will be helped and will leave that conversation feeling stronger and not depressed.
I don't have that relationship with my mom or dad.So it is defintely takes away my confidence.But in the end she is my mom.She does love me and wants my best.I do get irritated with her and she with me.Just got to live with it.Don't know what kind of a mom I will be.Will my kid one day be writing on a message board about me like this??

Anyway Sita ,try and forget about all these painful distractions around you.Just focus on your ivf.That's a good idea to give each other time and space.Your hubby sounds the very supportive kind.He will make up for everything.Keep away from all stress.You are going to begin an exciting yet scary journey.Gather up all supplies of calm thoughts,happy memories,hopeful dreams and positive endings! This should be your mental diet.The accu will also help in calming you.So take care and no worries! We are all rooting for you!
Take care,I'm off to my accup apptm

Chel and Shez what have you been upto ?I will write after getting back from my appt.Love,Tina

[tinaviju]

Hi all,I am back from my accu appt.It was okay.She gave me a whole lot of herbs which look like ancient plants to boil and drink. ,plus some pills.This time I pleaded with her to reduce the fee,so she brought it down to 70 from 85$.But wth the herbs it came back to 90$.I think this is the secret herb for her patients to lose their money!

[Chel]

hi all,
sorry for not posting for a while, I was down with monthly sickness.

Sita, sorry that you were hurt by your mums words, I m sure she would have felt sad aswell after saying whatever she said.

My relationship with my mum seems to be very different from you girls'(not just u girls but many girls ha ha). My mum is a single parent and I grew up in a big joint family consisting of uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins etc. I didn't hav 1 mum but 3 (my grandma, aunt and my mum). The 3 of them brought me up together and i love all the 3 the same. I missed them a lot after coming here, but managed to survive. I have not told them anything abt our infertility because i dont want them to say or think anything bad abt dh. If I had had the problem i would have surely told them.

Everytime i m unhappy with my mil , i'll call home and complain like 'no tomorrow' to the 3 of them and they will curse mil to make me feel better (i know they will never go and ask my mil why she bullied me because my mil is my aunts sil). I will usually cool down after pouring everything to them.

I do quarel with them at times but I m the one to hurt them always and it never lasts more than few hours or a day. I would tell my family everything (except baby matter) but will never discuss or give them the right to tell me what to do (i think its because dh hates others interfering in his personal life). To mil, we both hav an agreement on what to tell her and what not to tell her because he too knows that his mum is a trouble maker.

sita, thanks for your tips on healthy eating, it helps really.

tina, Both my married BILs hav no children (one married a woman with 3 children from her first marriage and the other one still not very stable in his married life so we are the only hope for my mil to hav grandchildren and thats why i empathise with her. My co-sisters are very different from me, i cant stand their life style. DH also not close to his sils but he is close to his brothers. We all gather only on important festival days like deepavali. But dh and me visit mil almost every weekend. I always imagine how would it be like if one of my co-sisters had a child and i dont (i m sure mil will make me feel unworthy).

Almost every weekend Mil always has news abt our relatives on who's preg, who gav birth and who's baby is cute. I get all boiled up everytime she shares her findings with me and dh (most of the time only with me as she's scared of telling infront of dh). Everytime she does this i feel so.. low and useless. I'll try my best to change topic and indirectly tell her i dont fancy her findings. I will surely throw my anger at dh while we are
on the way home, he wont say much but will just listen to me and nod his head as if he agrees with me (he better agree with me if not he will be in trouble ha ha ha, i m so.... bad \clipart{angry}).

oops I got to go to the supermarket girls, this mil topic is so interesting that i forget everything. abt my ivf (actually ours is icsi). I m also sourcing for acupunturist around here. There are a lot here so dont know which one to choose, any tips?

love all

[tinaviju]

Hi Chel,
It's wonderful you have 3 moms to unburden your worries on and get support.It seems it will be so warm and comforting having all of them around you.It must be hard being away from all of them.Did they come and visit you in Singapore?Don't they ask about your baby plans?Do you use the "We are busy with work/studies " reply ? I also did ICSI the last 2 times.we got poor quality embryos both the times.I have to meet with my doc and ask her what she thinks is the cause for poor quality embryos.Chel are you doing any treatment now?
Sita have you been busy?Hope everything is going ok with mom.Don't take any tension about all that.

I just found out a friend here is pregnant and was feeling a bit low for about an hour..It made me wonder if my time would ever come. I guess all of us have similar thoughts.But I am okay now,Have to get back to cooking.My 1 week vacation is over.My classes start today so get to get ready for that also.I'm waiting for af to come.One month i'm praying she doesn't come,the next month i am waiting for her to come.It's no wonder we all go mad ! Anyway take care girls,Love TIna

[Chel]

Tina,
Yes, I always tell my family that we are busy and not now but they seem like they hav sensed something lately because aunt keeps telling me that she goes to temple every week to pray for us to hav a child. I dont worry answering them becasue they dont ask me too many questions but i do worry when my grandma says she is too old to wait until i m ready to have a baby (this really hurts me as i m afraid she wont be able to see my child).

I miss my mums and 2 brothers a lot (esp my yonger brother - aunt's son). I miss being pampered everytime i m sick, now unable to find anyone to be around even when i m very sick (dh works long hours and weekends so we have very less time to spend together).

My aunt and 2 brothers visited me each stayed about a month with me. I am bringing my mum here next month so that she can help me a bit at home and be there for me.

I m not on treatment now, so thinking of going for acu.

I know how you feel about your friend's preg news. My close friend in india who got married 3 years after me announced her pregnancy when i went to india last august, i felt very embarrased when she said she won me. But later i told myself, my turn will surely come one day.

take care

[shez]

hope all of u's are ok... im having a very bad week...

just thought id say hi but takecare girls

shez

[tinaviju]

Hi Shez,
Hope you are not worrying about the statistics at your clinic.I learnt to realize that they are just numbers.I don't even believe good statistics now,because I may still be the unlucky one.It just adds to all the worries which we don't need.So don't bother about it
Hi Chel and Sita,
What have you been upto?Any weekend plans?Take Care All.Love Tina

[Sita]

Hi Girls.

Sorry for not posting any messages. I had a really busy week. I was quite upset over what my mother said to me but found comfort in reading your messages. Thank you so much.

My mother actually emailed me on Wednesday (I think she felt bad after Sunday's incident) and told me how much she loved me. She also kept saying that I have been a good daughter. I think our relationship changed after my father's death. Actually, I do not forgive her for some things that happened closer to my father's death and she knows this. I was going to see him and he died 10 days before my arrival. Since then we have driven apart. I was so close to her and my brother before but now I don't speak to my brother after my father's death due to some events that happened. It is really strange that things have changed so drastically. I am learning to live with it and move on.

Even though I confide in my DH and he is supportive at the time, he reminds me about how my family treats me during an arguement. This really winds me up but I am dumbfounded because I know it is true.

Sorry to rant on about this, but this has been on my mind and all these issues contribute to how I perform at work as well.

On another note, I have arranged to take time off work after EC & ET. I have told my boss that I need to attend to a relative who is sick. I don't think I will tell him that I am trying for a baby.

Tina,

Glad to hear about your acu session. Hope it all goes well. Yes, the revised rate seems more reasonable. I will advise you to check with your IVF consultant/ doctor before taking any acu oral medication to see if there are any side effects / conflicts.

Thanks so much for your advise. It was invaluable and I felt better after reading it. Good luck with your next term as well. How long do you have to finish your MBA ?

Chel,

Hope you less stressed now ? Have you been eating healthily ? Please try and eat alot of vegetables and fruits instead of fast food. Trust me, it is not as difficult as it sounds.

It is great that you have 3 mums to speak to. I know how it feels when someone close to you say that they may die before seeing your kids. My father used to say this and I was trying so hard to have children, I did not want to tell him about the fertility problems because he will feel sad and depressed about it. He loved me so much and worriies so much if I am sad. I led him to belive that we were delaying it. Atleast now he knows (as he is one of my Gods up in Heaven) and I am sure God will bless us all soon. I used to think I was disappointing him but deep down I think he knew that we were trying. I think God will give us children when the time is right. Until then, we must keep enjoying life.

Shez,

I know what it is like to have a difficult week. I had a bad week too. On the brighter side, the weather is improving and I hope all of us have a good week from Sun (tomorrow).

Until next time.. take care girl...

Lots of love...Sita xxx