Bad day.

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Tue Jul 22, 2003 7:16 pm

Warning this contains serious "I feel sorry for myself" material. Oh God what a disaster today turned out to be. Saw my consultant today after 3rd -ve IVF cycle 11 days ago, went off like a good girl with my list of questions only to get knocked back on everything. As I knew he would - he informed us the cycle "went well" mmmmmmmmmm well thats a matter of opinion. We changed to Gonal F as he suggested this cycle but it didn't have the desired affect - ended up with less follies/eggs and much poorer quality embryos than ever before - but apart from that apparently it was ok. He was pretty firm that we should try again, I said we didn't think we could go through this again. As expected the "big" issue was brought up - my weight, he spoke for ages about trying to lose it - said it would give us a better chance - but he never said that despite me asking/worrying when I asked during the last cycle - aaaaaaagh! I said I had hoped losing weight, and going back on metformin (useful drug in re-establishing cycle/ovulation in women with poly cystic ovaries) might be a better/more gentle way to go - but he told us we wouldnt get pregnant naturally (cos of male and female component). I had heard about other investigations - natural killer cells and therapies which may help to improve the implantation rate - calcium, heparin, viagra etc but he said no to them all "as there is no concrete scientific evidence" to support them - not that this stopped him making some of his decisions during the last cycle! He even said he would be very unhappy to treat someone taking supplements - ie the marilyn glenville fertility plus - as they were "an unknown quantity". I knew he wouldn't have any miracles to offer - but I did so want there to be some hope SOMEWHERE! I got really distressed about the constant weight thing - it's not as if I don't realise it is an issue.................but as far as I am concerned it was poor timing, and just hijacking the real issue - I just want to be a mum. Whilst I feel strongly that we won't try the IVF again - I did hope he might support a more medical approach for now, metformin, weight loss, suplements etc or if not at least tell me something we could do differently next time.......but no.....no.....no.......big fat no! I thought things were bad enough - coming to terms with the -ve, and trying to grapple with stopping - but now I just feel that even my last hope has been ripped out from under me. I am not writing this to complain about my consultant - indeed I like him - I have worked with him professionally - and I realise I chose him partly because of his straight talking - I suppose I just need to off load. Sorry, I really am rambling. Very bad day - can't stop crying now. from Lorraine xxxxxxx

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » Tue Jul 22, 2003 8:30 pm

hello lorraine what a horrible day youve had, and youre still coming to terms with your result. yove had alot to deal with, with so many cycles. With each cycle we go through I think most of us secretly feel,well this must be the one. Ive found our clinic say something different every time I speak to them. In fact just before this ec we were saying next time, wed try a different clinic. Are you able to get a 2nd opinion? At least your dr sounds confident to try again. Im sorry not to be much help but we are all here for you, I hope tomorrow youll feel a little brighter and things appear a bit clearer for you. take care and stay strong lorraine and try not to lose hope of your dreams, kathryn x

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Tue Jul 22, 2003 8:36 pm

Oh Lorraine, I'm sorry it all seems so bleak. I always find the follow up appointments incredibly depressing. In some ways though, I'm not sure that they could ever say the right thing. I mean, if they tell us that things went well, then clearly that's not right cos they didn't go well enough to get PG, whereas if they talk about problems with the cylce it just seems like there's less and less likelihood of it ever working. And the one thing we want them to say, that if you do this, it'll work, they can't say, cos they just don't bloody know. You've got some enormous decisions to make about whether or not you want to try again. If you decide not to, (or even if you decide you will have another go) that's a huge decision to take, and 11 days isn't a long time for the mental adjustment! Apart from anything else you've probably still got a million and one hormones rushing round from the last cycle. But you don't have to make a decision today or this week or this month - do give yourself and your partner time to think and see how you feel. I'm a great believer that with enough time after a cycle you will know for definite either that you can't imagine going through another IVF cycle, or that you can't imagine not having "one last go". But there's no rush to get to that stage. If you do think you might want to try again do consider getting a second opinion - it may cost you £50 but that might help answer the question about whether some of the alternatives might help your situation. Lorraine, I'm not sure what else to say really. I think it was your lovely advice about taking one breath at a time and one day at a time, and that's the best advice, but won't make you feel better immediately! Take care of yourself and keep in touch, much love Alison x

fi · Post by fi » Tue Jul 22, 2003 8:50 pm

LORRAINE, JUST WAMTED TO SAY HANG IN THERE AND SEND YOU A BIG HUG, THIS IS SUCH A HARD THING FOR ANYONE TO GO THROUGH AND MAYBE IF HE HAD BEEN THROUGH IT HE WOULD HAVE MORE SYMPATHY?BUT AS YOU SAY WE DO SOMETIMES NEED TO JUST HAVE IT STRAIGHT. TAKE CARE BABE, LOVE FI xxx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 11:30 am

Thank you for all your lovely messages and support girls. I think I just needed to sound off. I got myself in such a spin - seem to have little reserve to cope with anything these days. Had a long chat with wise old mum and lovely cuddle from DH - feeling a bit calmer today. I take on board your advice about another opinion but can't really see the point at present - I think I just need to work on resolving my anxieties about stopping treatment. Right now I guess I have to get on with that diet, I think I will still try the metformin and maybe the marilyn glenville supplements - feel desperate to do SOMETHING pro active in the absense of another cycle. I just feel every thing appears so negative at the moment - need to concentrate on something I suppose - Alison, I guess I need to take my own advice and just breathe! Anyway enough! Thank you again - it's just lovely to receive replies - never mind the kind words and support. Love from Lorraine

LORRAINE G · Post by **LORRAINE G** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 12:15 pm

Hi Lorraine Can't really offer anything to add to what all of the others have already written and I will not even try to advise as I have not had my first cycle yet. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and that I hope that a little time will make it easier for you to see what path to take ref any future treatment. Take care of yourself, LOL Lorraine G

jackiey · Post by **jackiey** » Wed Jul 23, 2003 12:43 pm

Hi Lorraine I've re written this message so many times, i am so crap at writing posts unless i am moaning about something (which is most of the time). You must be feeling s**t at the moment but that didn't stop you posting on my thread when i was freaking out, i just wish i could write you a bloody good post but i am struggling in finding any words of wisdom , i just want you to know that i am thinking of you. Sorry to be sooooooo useless Look after yourself Lots of love Jackie

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Thu Jul 24, 2003 3:35 pm

Hi Lorraine Just me checking on how you are doing?...I am afraid I do not have any wise words but I did want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and I can appreciate what tuly rotten time this is for you. All I would say (having been there too many times myself) is try not to rush any decisions. I have found the first month or so after a negative cycle such a dark time. Thinking about it, I think it took about two months before I felt reasonable again. Looking back I cannot even remember how really terrible and desolate I felt. Most of us women are pretty strong and I think we underestimate how much it knocks us out both physically and emotionally. As time went on somehow I did climb out of the darkness, but it did take time. That is why I would say to take your time about decisions. This is the only thing that keeps me going ie one way or another my life will move on even if it is in a direction that I do not necessarily want it to. I have always found the consulation after a negative very, very difficult. Even going back in to the hospital where on your last visit you were so full of hope is very hard indeed - at least it has been for me. Even when the doctors have been positve I can never see it like that all I keep thinking about it that particular failure. So many of us completely empathise with you Lorraine - you are deffinately not alone. You take care and let us know how you are doing. Love Gracexx

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Jul 24, 2003 6:26 pm

Thankyou guys, Your messages are so lovely, I can feel the postive vibes from here. You are all so right - I have been so hard on myself trying to make myself think about decisions and issues that I am just not ready to make. It is enough for now just to get over this negative. I know in my heart we won't try again - but I don't have to deal with the enormity of that TODAY. What an idiot I am! Thankfully I have an good GP and an understanding boss - I am still not back at work - and have decieded not to return in the immediate future - I need time emotionally and physically as the stress is getting to me and my asthma has returned with a vengance. The phrase "One breath at a time" is becoming my mantra! I am definetly in that dark place as you said Grace - but I also know I want to climb out of it - and I guess thats a start! I remain embarrassed that I am alway droning on - and feeling down, but I know without you all and your lovely words I would feel even more lost. Thank you my angels!! Lorraine

sharoninsomerset · Post by **sharoninsomerset** » Fri Jul 25, 2003 7:09 am

Lorraine, Sorry I haven't been there for you over the last few dark days, I just haven't had much of a chance to logon and didn't see your post until today. Not much I can say love, except I am always thinking of you and the girls. I think you need to re-adjust your thinking at this time and say that you aren't going to decide anything definate for 6 months. That this is your time to take a break, but that the major decision of never trying again can wait until you are healthier in body and spirit (Even if you know in your heart you won't try again, it will take the pressure off a bit). Some smokers when giving up make it easier on themselves by saying that they can have a cigarette, but not today, then they don't feel the panic and pressure of the 'never again'. Do you think you will go back to work soon? I must say that keeping busy in a different environment does help, well me anyway. It doesn't give me the opportunity to wollow in my own self pity 24 hours a day, and I feel more human and part of the world. However, it does seem that you aren't ready for it quite yet and your job is very different to mine. My news is that I am going in to have my tubes clipped on Friday 1st August! So they didn't hang around, I managed to get in on a cancellation and am chuffed about that. I might be a bit tender and bloated for my wedding but then I can start again once the honeymoon is over in sept/oct. JO - post when you have had your scan today - dying to hear all about it. CAZ - How are you doing love? Have you had your follow up are you planning the next one? Anyway, I must go as I am supposed to be working!!! I'll be thinking of you Love Sharon

Bex · Post by **Bex** » Mon Aug 04, 2003 8:10 am

Hi Lorraine, sorry to butt in on your topic, but i was interested to see someone else taking Metformin. I've had several clomid failed cycles, 1 IVF resulting in m/c and more recently (Feb 03) 1 ICSI failed cycle. I went up 2 clothes sizes on the treatment earlier this year, although i only put on half a stone. I asked my Dr to put me onto Metformin as i have read that it can aid weight loss with PCOS. I know how you are feeling and understand totally. But i have reached a point where my size is getting me down more than being childless. I'd be interested to know how you get on with the metformin and supplements. I seem to be losing weight but am getting v.bloated from time to time making me feel like a whale (!!) P.S. sorry to go on so much !! Becky x

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