Was just wondering if any Step Mums out there could give me a bit of comfort.
Yesterday I had a cyst drained and my Stims were put back 10 days because of hospital numbers. DH wasn't very supportive and has ben less than understanding this cycle.
It took me 6 years to persuade him to have a vas reversal which, of course failed because by the time he had it done it was 13 years.
We've been on the assisted conception roller coaster for about 3 years.
He is downstairs with his youngest (27) and grandchild (7 months) going through family photos on a cd- rom. I've had to leave as there was one with his eldest as a new born. Comments like "Oh I can see Geoffrey in you" etc etc. It's killing me. School photos of his 3 kids. New born photos. Constant talk of the family ears (they're a distinctive feature).
I think only step mums will understand this.
Step Mums- Help Please!!!!!!!!
I understand where you're coming from, although my DP was keen for us to have kids from the start, it just didn't work out. He has a 14 year old who stays alternate weekends. We've been together 4 years.
Around the time of my first cycle I got quite upset (and not a little bitter and twisted) about him not understanding what I'm going through. I also used to get very upset by their closeness, those little father-son looks that pass between them. The special way his son looks at him is something I might never experience for myself. But then logically, what are they supposed to do? Stop having their relationship because it sometimes makes me feel bad? It can't happen like that. TBH I don't believe these feelings are unique to step parents, I can feel like this around my friends who have children, or other members of my family. My step-mother for example rattles on incessantly about her grandchildren, just making me more acutely aware that i haven't provided my father with any grandchildren of his own. These feelings are everywhere.
After my first cycle which failed I have had to take a good few months out to prepare myself to go back for the FET as I know it is pretty much my last chance. We won't be doing this again.
So I've spent the last 6 months practising enjoying my partner's son, and building my own relationship with him. He has his own mother, he even has an adult sister so it's hard to find my place in his life but I've worked on taking notice of what he's into. The lad is into wrestling but although we think it's ridiculous and his Dad point blank refused to spend money on it, I bought him and a friend tickets, took them and waited in the car to bring them home. He said it was "the best night of his life" and DP also appreciated the effort I'd made. I gave the child my interest and my time (as well as money!), thats being a parent, isn't it? Only the biological vanity is missing.
I know your DP's kids have passed the stage where you can do that, but you have his grandchildren who you can choose to resent or to enjoy. I know that is far easier to write than it is to do in the real world, but that is how it is. His family aren't going away, you wouldn't want them to. If your relationship is to survive then you have to find happiness in his happiness.
This isn't meant to be a harsh post because I know how hard this is - I'm there, but you have to choose whether this kills you or makes you stronger.
Around the time of my first cycle I got quite upset (and not a little bitter and twisted) about him not understanding what I'm going through. I also used to get very upset by their closeness, those little father-son looks that pass between them. The special way his son looks at him is something I might never experience for myself. But then logically, what are they supposed to do? Stop having their relationship because it sometimes makes me feel bad? It can't happen like that. TBH I don't believe these feelings are unique to step parents, I can feel like this around my friends who have children, or other members of my family. My step-mother for example rattles on incessantly about her grandchildren, just making me more acutely aware that i haven't provided my father with any grandchildren of his own. These feelings are everywhere.
After my first cycle which failed I have had to take a good few months out to prepare myself to go back for the FET as I know it is pretty much my last chance. We won't be doing this again.
So I've spent the last 6 months practising enjoying my partner's son, and building my own relationship with him. He has his own mother, he even has an adult sister so it's hard to find my place in his life but I've worked on taking notice of what he's into. The lad is into wrestling but although we think it's ridiculous and his Dad point blank refused to spend money on it, I bought him and a friend tickets, took them and waited in the car to bring them home. He said it was "the best night of his life" and DP also appreciated the effort I'd made. I gave the child my interest and my time (as well as money!), thats being a parent, isn't it? Only the biological vanity is missing.
I know your DP's kids have passed the stage where you can do that, but you have his grandchildren who you can choose to resent or to enjoy. I know that is far easier to write than it is to do in the real world, but that is how it is. His family aren't going away, you wouldn't want them to. If your relationship is to survive then you have to find happiness in his happiness.
This isn't meant to be a harsh post because I know how hard this is - I'm there, but you have to choose whether this kills you or makes you stronger.
Hi Lynne my buddy!
You know that I know the situation too well!! Took me 3 years to get DH to try for a child (he had vasectomy as well), he is twice grandfather.
Our garage is full of baby's pics, some with there mother (ARRGGGHHHH!!!), holidays are ruled by school holidays, whispers and white lies because no one can know we are trying to conceive (why having everyone upset and start a 3rd world war if it doesnt work??)
Night sweat at the idea of how are we going to tell them, and more worrying, how are they going to react when we do get pregnant.
And I guess, the hardest for us who dont have children yet but hubbies do is that they cannot understand our fight , our pain, our distress.
Yes, my DH is disappointed when my cycles fails, sad for me,but he has children already and not having another is not such a heartache for him.
Then facing the week ends or holidays with the children. Every second spent with them remind me what i dont have. Or getting mad because of the "let me handle, that, i know how to do with children better (meaning: you dont have any so how would you know!!)
DH has not been with me for both my cycles (not his fault though) and I dont think he realise what us girls are going through.
And this time, he has to make some efforts (cut down caffeine, stop smoking) but unfortunately, he is not willing to. I dont drink for a year now, same about the smoke.
What i am trying to say Lynne, is that being a step mum is not easy, difficult to fit in really. But when our baby will arrive, our Dh's will be delighted and over the moon, our little hon's will be spoiled and we will have a real big family. We just have to be strong until he arrives! I know it is difficult not to feel bitter, but all this will go away i am sure!
Take care, sending you a cyber hug
xxx
souris
You know that I know the situation too well!! Took me 3 years to get DH to try for a child (he had vasectomy as well), he is twice grandfather.
Our garage is full of baby's pics, some with there mother (ARRGGGHHHH!!!), holidays are ruled by school holidays, whispers and white lies because no one can know we are trying to conceive (why having everyone upset and start a 3rd world war if it doesnt work??)
Night sweat at the idea of how are we going to tell them, and more worrying, how are they going to react when we do get pregnant.
And I guess, the hardest for us who dont have children yet but hubbies do is that they cannot understand our fight , our pain, our distress.
Yes, my DH is disappointed when my cycles fails, sad for me,but he has children already and not having another is not such a heartache for him.
Then facing the week ends or holidays with the children. Every second spent with them remind me what i dont have. Or getting mad because of the "let me handle, that, i know how to do with children better (meaning: you dont have any so how would you know!!)
DH has not been with me for both my cycles (not his fault though) and I dont think he realise what us girls are going through.
And this time, he has to make some efforts (cut down caffeine, stop smoking) but unfortunately, he is not willing to. I dont drink for a year now, same about the smoke.
What i am trying to say Lynne, is that being a step mum is not easy, difficult to fit in really. But when our baby will arrive, our Dh's will be delighted and over the moon, our little hon's will be spoiled and we will have a real big family. We just have to be strong until he arrives! I know it is difficult not to feel bitter, but all this will go away i am sure!
Take care, sending you a cyber hug
xxx
souris
Me 27, DH 55
04/ 05 ICSI -tive 02/06 ICSI. No fertilisation
09/ 06 ICSI. BFP!!! M/C at 12 weeks.04/07 ? ICSI -tive
04/08 ICSI BFP!!! M/C at 12 weeks
Feb 09 6th ICSI has started! neg
June 09 7th ICSI. Please make it happen!!
04/ 05 ICSI -tive 02/06 ICSI. No fertilisation
09/ 06 ICSI. BFP!!! M/C at 12 weeks.04/07 ? ICSI -tive
04/08 ICSI BFP!!! M/C at 12 weeks
Feb 09 6th ICSI has started! neg
June 09 7th ICSI. Please make it happen!!