am i being selfish

tanya · Post by **tanya** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:00 am

Hi to everyone, I haven't posted on here for a very long time but i read the posts everyday and would like to wish everyone luck for your treatments. I was one of the lucky ones who fell pregnant first time with icsi and i have a beautiful son, we ended up having three frozen, we used these in november, only one made it through the process and we got a negative.I always said that i would be so happy just to have one child and experience motherhood I have always loved children and worked with them before having my own but now my son is turning three and i so desperately want another child, Our problem was male factor and now dh has had some more tests so we could start treatment again and they have found that he has primary testicular failure and cannot father anymore children, I thought that i would handle this ok because i was lucky enough to have one which many people can't but i'm not I am devastated, our only chance is donor and dh said no he couldn't cope knowing that it is not his biological child. Dh has another son from a previous relationship so he has two children. To make things worse a couple of days after finding out a friend of mine told me she was pregnant with her second child and i just can't cope. I am 28 and dh is 40 so it doesn't seem to be affecting him as much. I am sorry to blab on but i have no one to talk to. I feel so selfish feeling like this when i read some of the devastating news on here, I know i should be happy that i was lucky enough to have one beautiful healthy child but i can't seem to get past this any advice would be appreciated. thanks Tanya

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 8:27 am

Tanya - I dont think you are selfish - at least no more selfish than ANY of us are in our need to have kids. Poor you to have had this news - I know how devastating it is. You probably know this as you have had ICSI once before but - have they suggested surgically removing his sperm. My dh and I had ICSI in July - he has NO sperm in ejaculate, but they did the TESE procedure on him and retreived enough to fertilise 3 eggs. (the sperm come from his testes and therefore was non motile - they had to leave them for 24hours to "gain" motility before using them) . Sadly we sot a -ve, but to be honest I was pretty amazed we got as far as we did. It could be worth a try?? am sure you know about this already tho. We too are now considering the donor route. I think we will try ICSI once or twice more and then seriously consider using a donor. I wont repeat all my VERY CONFUSED thoughts here - but if you look at a "message for Caz" - Becky and I have been talking alot about it - you're welcome to join us there! Altho I guess if you dh is adaamant he doesnt want to go that way then its tricky. Give him time....he might come round. At least hes being very honest with you about how he feels about it. Take care Keep in touch

LORRAINE G · Post by **LORRAINE G** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 8:42 am

Tanya do not be hard on yourself for wanting another child. I have two fantastic kids from my first marriage. I have Daniel aged 11 and Abigail aged 8, my first husband left me and I have bought them up mostly by myself, however 2 and1/2 years ago I met my new husband and now I desperately want a child with him. The ironic thing is that I concieved the first month of trying with both of them and now we have been TTC for 18 months and start ICSI in Sept. I must say that my DH is a fantastic step dad and it seems very cruel that nature has made it so difficult for him to father a child himself. I do understand your longing.You are not selfish just a normal human being trying to come to terms with the hand that nature has dealt you. With much love and friendship Lorraine G

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 8:50 am

hello tanya, before we knew ivf was going to be our only hop e of having children, I imagined myself with 3 or 5 children running around, I always wanted a big family!!!! But like you say it would be the most wonderful thing to be able to have just one. However Im pretty sure I would feel exactly the same as you. I too have always worked with children, and I have always longed for my big family.I dont think youre being selfish for wanting another child and dont feel bad talking on these boards about feeling so down about it. Thats what these boards are for. Im sorry for your situation, and I wish I could say something to help. It must be so hard for both of you. There are lots of girls on here who have had to consider and use donor sperm, Im sure they will be able to offer better words than me as they have been where you and your dh are now. before I met my dh I did concieve naturally (however all m/c) so we thought it was going to be a problem with his sperm. We even had his brother lined up for a donor. (he lives in another country and will definitely not be fathering any children)I know this wouldnt be right for alot of people but it was a solution for us. As it turns out I was the problem with mushed up tubes after suffering with PID. I hope things work out for you both, whatever happens, I hope you will be happy. lots of love kathryn x

tanya · Post by **tanya** » Sun Aug 24, 2003 6:39 am

I would like to thank you all for your replies It is so good to be able to talk to someone and i will keep you posted on what we decide. Good luck to you all.