My husband and I have been together for 8 years and started infertility treatment as a result of a vasectomy he had over 10 years ago. Now (after 2 failed IVF/ICSI with grade 1 embryos), we hardly speak and when we do, all we do is argue. I feel like I’ve got the rotten end of the deal. I feel like I’ve lost my dignity and self respect.
I feel useless and less than a woman even though I am only 32 year old with no fertility problems.
Furthermore, December last year he had a semen analysis done and we were told there was no sperm dead or alive. I just don’t see him like I use to. I do not think of him as a man anymore and I can not help thinking his holding me back from becoming a mother. Maybe I am taking my frustration and disappointments out on him, but that’s how I feel right now .
Is this marriage worth saving? Or would we be better of if we went our separate ways?
One thing I know for sure is that there will be no more IVF for me. I can not go through all that again.
I am not a heartless person, but right know I feel so alone in this and I have so much anger in me. And the more S*%t we go through, the more I find having an affair attractive and easier.
MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS
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Justmyluck
- Newbie
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:08 pm
- Location: England
MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS
Age 32
H. Age 45
Husband had a Vasectomy
2 failed IVF/ ICSI cycles
H. Age 45
Husband had a Vasectomy
2 failed IVF/ ICSI cycles
Hi Justmyluck,
I was sad to hear that you were feeling down and I know it must be hard for you. Infertility for a man or woman is so difficult to bear and so frustrating.
Please try and understand the root of the problems / diificulties in your relationship. I know that IVF and failed treatment can be so stressful and we take out our frustration on our partners and husbands.
Initially, I thought I was the only one who had a problem and this made me feel so guilty and misarable. My husband was so understanding and always comforted me. Only later we found that my DH also had a low sperm count. When we found out this, I made sure I supported DH, the same way he supported me. We still have arguements and frustrations but I think we will get through this difficult period if we stick together and do not lose hope.
The infertility frustrations are normal. I should know becuase I was also taking it out on my husband. Try and think how DH will also be feeling. It may help for you to go for some counselling. Hope things will work out for you.
What ever happens.. please don't lose hope...
Love,
Sita
I was sad to hear that you were feeling down and I know it must be hard for you. Infertility for a man or woman is so difficult to bear and so frustrating.
Please try and understand the root of the problems / diificulties in your relationship. I know that IVF and failed treatment can be so stressful and we take out our frustration on our partners and husbands.
Initially, I thought I was the only one who had a problem and this made me feel so guilty and misarable. My husband was so understanding and always comforted me. Only later we found that my DH also had a low sperm count. When we found out this, I made sure I supported DH, the same way he supported me. We still have arguements and frustrations but I think we will get through this difficult period if we stick together and do not lose hope.
The infertility frustrations are normal. I should know becuase I was also taking it out on my husband. Try and think how DH will also be feeling. It may help for you to go for some counselling. Hope things will work out for you.
What ever happens.. please don't lose hope...
Love,
Sita
Me=37, Hubby=42 (Male and Female factor)
3 IVFs -July 05 -ve, May 06 (OHSS), May 08 -ve
2 FETs - Dec 06 -BFP (MC) and June 07 -ve
4th IVF - fresh cycle - BFP :-) Beautiful DD is 4 yrs
5th IVF - Oct 13 - BFP - MC at 7 weeks :(
6th IVF - June / July 14
3 IVFs -July 05 -ve, May 06 (OHSS), May 08 -ve
2 FETs - Dec 06 -BFP (MC) and June 07 -ve
4th IVF - fresh cycle - BFP :-) Beautiful DD is 4 yrs
5th IVF - Oct 13 - BFP - MC at 7 weeks :(
6th IVF - June / July 14
Hi, and welcome to the boards.
Sorry to hear what you are going thru. I remember when my DH had his vasectomy reversal done and we got the result that although there were sperm there he would never be able to get me pregnant naturally. I sat and cried for about 3 days solid. In the end I had to sit and work out what I wanted more, him or a baby. In the end I chose him and if I got a baby it would be a bonus. I was very lucky with my treatment but to be honest I dont think our relationship would have made it if I hadnt got pregnant.
I think you need to work out whether your feelings are because you cant have a baby with him or because of how you feel for him. It sounds like the longer you stay with him the more you will resent him. Have you tried counselling?
At the end of the day hun only you know how you feel, sorry I cant be of more help, but just wanted you to know there are people on here who will listen and have gone thru what you have.
Good luck whichever route you take
Susie
Sorry to hear what you are going thru. I remember when my DH had his vasectomy reversal done and we got the result that although there were sperm there he would never be able to get me pregnant naturally. I sat and cried for about 3 days solid. In the end I had to sit and work out what I wanted more, him or a baby. In the end I chose him and if I got a baby it would be a bonus. I was very lucky with my treatment but to be honest I dont think our relationship would have made it if I hadnt got pregnant.
I think you need to work out whether your feelings are because you cant have a baby with him or because of how you feel for him. It sounds like the longer you stay with him the more you will resent him. Have you tried counselling?
At the end of the day hun only you know how you feel, sorry I cant be of more help, but just wanted you to know there are people on here who will listen and have gone thru what you have.
Good luck whichever route you take
Susie
Me 37, DH 53 Male & female factor
1st ICSI +ve, a daughter born 2001
2nd ICSI +ve, a son born 2006
1st ICSI +ve, a daughter born 2001
2nd ICSI +ve, a son born 2006
Hello Justmyluck,
I just want you to know that you are not alone on the way you are feeling right now. Everything you said you feel about your husband I felt about mine .. almost a year ago now. We too had a semen analysis and there were zero sperm. I remember the day I came home from work to find my DH sitting on the front step and he told me the news. We both sat there and cried for about an hour. At that point I wan't concerned about not having a child, I was concerned about what was wrong....fast forward about four months and I thought the complete opposite. I wanted a child not matter what, whether it was my dh's sperm or not. I was not sympathetic at all and I degrated my dh everyday. Never once did I think about him or what he was going through, feeling like he was no longer a man because at that time he didn't think he could father children. Not a day went by that we didn't talk about getting a divorce. My point is, God has His plan for all of us. I think He thinks we need to go through the emotional rollercoaster of trying to have a child so that we truly get to know ourselves and our dh. Before you jump the gun ask yourself if you think losing your husband over this is truly what you think is best for you. Take things one step at a time and communicate ALL your thoughts and fears to your dh. Hang in there
I just want you to know that you are not alone on the way you are feeling right now. Everything you said you feel about your husband I felt about mine .. almost a year ago now. We too had a semen analysis and there were zero sperm. I remember the day I came home from work to find my DH sitting on the front step and he told me the news. We both sat there and cried for about an hour. At that point I wan't concerned about not having a child, I was concerned about what was wrong....fast forward about four months and I thought the complete opposite. I wanted a child not matter what, whether it was my dh's sperm or not. I was not sympathetic at all and I degrated my dh everyday. Never once did I think about him or what he was going through, feeling like he was no longer a man because at that time he didn't think he could father children. Not a day went by that we didn't talk about getting a divorce. My point is, God has His plan for all of us. I think He thinks we need to go through the emotional rollercoaster of trying to have a child so that we truly get to know ourselves and our dh. Before you jump the gun ask yourself if you think losing your husband over this is truly what you think is best for you. Take things one step at a time and communicate ALL your thoughts and fears to your dh. Hang in there
Male factor-CBAVD-azoospermia
ICSI-Jan/Feb 2006: -ve
ICSI-March/April 2006: +ve
1st Scan 05/31: one beanie! :-) Hb 156; Survey scan: 08/23 We're having a GIRL!
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/1;18;30/st/20070113/k/fa4c/preg.png[/img]
ICSI-Jan/Feb 2006: -ve
ICSI-March/April 2006: +ve
1st Scan 05/31: one beanie! :-) Hb 156; Survey scan: 08/23 We're having a GIRL!
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/1;18;30/st/20070113/k/fa4c/preg.png[/img]
Hi Justmyluck,
Just wanted to say how I totally understand your feelings. I have been through the same emotional roller coaster too and have told DH that if treatment doesn't work this time we are splitting up.
I don't think we will, but that is how I feel. My DH has been completely selfish for many years and it's very hard to forgive and forget. I think there is a lot of nonsense talke about understanding the male perspective- especiall when it was their choice to have a vasectomy. Nothing will remove the pain of knowing they loved another woman enough to have a family with them When my Dh's daughter had her first child I was heartbroken and DH just didn't get it. He was still refusing to have children with me. Each time one of his kids has a child I am swallowed by a huge black cloud which won't lift.
Nothing anyone says will make you feel better or help you make a decision. However I know that if you're not talking to each other you will never make a decision you're happy with. Go away for a couple of weeks, just the two of you somewhere quiet and try and see past the pain.
An affair is never the way. Been there, bought the T-shirt. You will demean yourself and you'll still not have that baby you desperately want. Any relationship you have will be born of pain.
Sorry to go on. Please please do PM me if you want because I really can understand. I've been on this rollercoaster for 7 years now. My AF came yesterday after my second IVF. It was as though I was reading how I felt not so long ago.
Just wanted to say how I totally understand your feelings. I have been through the same emotional roller coaster too and have told DH that if treatment doesn't work this time we are splitting up.
I don't think we will, but that is how I feel. My DH has been completely selfish for many years and it's very hard to forgive and forget. I think there is a lot of nonsense talke about understanding the male perspective- especiall when it was their choice to have a vasectomy. Nothing will remove the pain of knowing they loved another woman enough to have a family with them When my Dh's daughter had her first child I was heartbroken and DH just didn't get it. He was still refusing to have children with me. Each time one of his kids has a child I am swallowed by a huge black cloud which won't lift.
Nothing anyone says will make you feel better or help you make a decision. However I know that if you're not talking to each other you will never make a decision you're happy with. Go away for a couple of weeks, just the two of you somewhere quiet and try and see past the pain.
An affair is never the way. Been there, bought the T-shirt. You will demean yourself and you'll still not have that baby you desperately want. Any relationship you have will be born of pain.
Sorry to go on. Please please do PM me if you want because I really can understand. I've been on this rollercoaster for 7 years now. My AF came yesterday after my second IVF. It was as though I was reading how I felt not so long ago.
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Justmyluck
- Newbie
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:08 pm
- Location: England
MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS
Thanks guys for your replies and for showing me that there are people out there who had gone through same or similar situations and still managed to salvage their relationship.
Sita
Thanks for your reply
You said I should try to understand the root of the problem. Well, what is there to understand?. He made the choice to have a vasectomy way before I met him and because of it I may never have any kids of my own.
Susie
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I still care for him, I still love ( strange but true). He is normally amazing ,kind supportive guy, but lately its like he is a completely different person.
You’re right, we’ve only been having this problem for 3-4 months now , and already I do resent him for putting me through all this, for been selfish ( for refusing to try donor sperm next cycle) and , for not been more supportive.
I think the best thing for me to do right know is to go for a holiday alone to clear my head and take it from there.
Thanks again
Sgeiger16
Hi there, thanks for the reply
There’s nothing more I want then to have a kid with my husband, but the reality is because of the vasectomy he had and the poor quality of the sperm collected surgically, he and I may never have any kids of our own and instead of accepting the facts and trying other avenues such as donor sperm he refuses to communicate and work with me. In fact it’s starting to look like his working against me and everything we were originally trying to accomplish.
There are only so many IVF/ICSI cycles I can go through before its too late.
To be honest I don’t
think II know anything any more. However, if there is one thing I know for sure is that, there is nothing I would not do to have a kid, even if that means loosing the only man I ever truly loved. The hole situation feels like I'm 
Lynne
Hi
It’s like you read my mind, spooky. I think I’ll take you up on your offer and PM you for a chat.
Many thanks
Sita
Thanks for your reply
You said I should try to understand the root of the problem. Well, what is there to understand?. He made the choice to have a vasectomy way before I met him and because of it I may never have any kids of my own.
Susie
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I still care for him, I still love ( strange but true). He is normally amazing ,kind supportive guy, but lately its like he is a completely different person.
You’re right, we’ve only been having this problem for 3-4 months now , and already I do resent him for putting me through all this, for been selfish ( for refusing to try donor sperm next cycle) and , for not been more supportive.
I think the best thing for me to do right know is to go for a holiday alone to clear my head and take it from there.
Thanks again
Sgeiger16
Hi there, thanks for the reply
There’s nothing more I want then to have a kid with my husband, but the reality is because of the vasectomy he had and the poor quality of the sperm collected surgically, he and I may never have any kids of our own and instead of accepting the facts and trying other avenues such as donor sperm he refuses to communicate and work with me. In fact it’s starting to look like his working against me and everything we were originally trying to accomplish.
There are only so many IVF/ICSI cycles I can go through before its too late.
To be honest I don’t
think II know anything any more. However, if there is one thing I know for sure is that, there is nothing I would not do to have a kid, even if that means loosing the only man I ever truly loved. The hole situation feels like I'm Lynne
Hi
It’s like you read my mind, spooky. I think I’ll take you up on your offer and PM you for a chat.
Many thanks
Age 32
H. Age 45
Husband had a Vasectomy
2 failed IVF/ ICSI cycles
H. Age 45
Husband had a Vasectomy
2 failed IVF/ ICSI cycles
well from a man point of vew....you guys may really need some expert advise....but before that you may whant to tell your dh how you feel....how your really feel ....give hem an hint tell him that you whant to be a mom...he probally feels low and less of a man with that problem...i konw i had something like that actually still have.....i think i know why he dont whant no sperm donor ...but i better not say!!!! who'm i to judge 
me 35 dw 30
6 iui
2 ivf and 1 fet all negative
4th ivf... no heart beat d&e at the 8th week
5th ivf bfp....and 3 frozen ebryos!!!
2 boys !!!!!Anthony and Alessio
............CIAOBYE..........God Bless all of us
6 iui
2 ivf and 1 fet all negative
4th ivf... no heart beat d&e at the 8th week
5th ivf bfp....and 3 frozen ebryos!!!
2 boys !!!!!Anthony and Alessio
............CIAOBYE..........God Bless all of us