pregnancy and Chinese culture

[Terri2]

I just wondered if anyone could shed some light on this......................

My chinese friend had a baby in April and a few weeks ago, she announced that her grandparents told her that I was not allowed to hold the baby as I am pregnant. Apparently I will unsettle the baby for a few days as I am pregnant?!
Okay, whilst that kind of disappointed me, I respect peoples cultures so put up with it.

Anyway for weeks now, I keep asking to see her and she keeps putting me off. I called my other friend tonight in tears as I feel really rejected by my friend........we went through years of infertility together. She called my Chinese friend who informed her that she can't see me while I am pregnant (which is another six months!) according to her culture and her relatives have been telling her not see me.

BUT, when she originally told me I cant' hold the baby, she said 'When I used to visit my chinese friends newborn, I wasn't allowed to hold her while I was pregnant' so clearly she was still seeing her!

Does anyone know anything about this? Is there anyone here from Hong Kong or China who could shed some light on it?

Whilst I respect peoples cultures, I am finding it hard to come to terms with this. I have had a tough year and to now find I have lost one of my friends for the rest of the year is really upsetting me.
It just doesn't ring true either. Plus, shes not normally very traditional.

any advice would be appreciated.
thanks
Terri

[Terri2]

can anyone offer any advice on this?

[children]

Hi Terri,

I have tons of Chinese Friends who would be gladly showing off their babies to you, you can hold them as long as you want! I have gone to hospitals to see newborns of my Chinese Friends and never heard of any one of them reject pregnant women to hold their babies. It is even more wired that you are not allowed to see her or even talk to her over the phone now!

Which part of the China that your "Chinese friend" is from? Mine are mainly from Mainland China, people from Hong Kong and Taiwan may have different traditions that I am not aware of. I am a bit irritated by your "friend’s behavior because I love Chinese and I can not accept her being so unreasonable which truly damage Chinese image.

Some people are jealous of others, no matter which part of the world they are from. I have read few articles from internet telling similar stories. Most of them have gone through infertility treatment together, one of them succeeded before the other, the ones who succeeded later was rejected by the first …. Using Chinese tradition to reject you may be her lame excuse - I can not believe this holds true. I have asked my Chinese Friends and none of them has confirmed this so-called “tradition”.

I am very sorry if you lost one of your best friends over the non-existing tradition, or some ridiculous tradition which had been discarded by mainland Chinese ages ago! In my humble opinion, you are better off not to touch her baby at all because of her wired believe. I am glad that you have made many more new friends through the internet. I am sure that you will make more friends with your beautiful heart.

Enjoy your pregnancy and many congratulations!

Yasmina

[Terri2]

thanks so much for your message Yasmina. This friend has let me down before this so maybe its time to call it a day with her. I think it is saying more about her personality than the Chinese culture.

thanks again, you have really helped.
Love Terri
P.S congratulations to you too!

[children]

Terri,

I agree, it has more to do with her "unsettled" personality. Let's enjoy being pregnant and being a Mom, holding our own babies later!

BTW, I have a feeling about your friend, she will come around and be your friend again when she grows up, no worries.

Yasmina

[Chel]

terri,
I dont think your chinese friend is true abt the culture. I live in singapore where 70%of the population are chinese, we are all well aware of each other culture here, as far as i know no such thing, i hav only heard that they should not wash their hair or go out anywhere for 40 days. I even called up my close friend who is a chinese to double check she says that she's not aware of such custom at all.

I think u should just ignore this kind of people, we will be better off without them. The quantity of friends we have doesnt matter its the quality that matters, dont u worry ok!

Take care

[Terri2]

Thanks Chel and Yasmina

Many people have told me now the same thing. So clearly its certainly not a big part of the chinese culture...........since she is very westernised, it makes it worse that she chose to follow this one thing.
she did stay in after the birth and didn't wash her hair but apart from that, she doesn't follow much else.
My sister bumped into this girls chinese friend the other day who even said she didn't follow this part of the culture (and she was born in Hong Kong). Then she said 'but my baby was okay'

My friends baby has a chest infection so maybe they think I caused that! It makes no sense to me but I'm not standing for it anymore. this is meant to be a happy time in my life and I'm not going to allow her to spoil it for m.

Love Terri

[carbev]

Hi there,

I live in Singapore too, and intigued by your post, have been asking as many different Chinese friends as possible about this... They all, and I asked quite a few, said that it IS a chinese superstition that a pregnant woman, no matter how pregnant, will unsettle or upset a baby or toddler if she touches them. They said that although a lot of chinese might believe this superstition and back up their claim with experiences, not many would be as unkind as to prevent someone visiting, but might not be so keen for you to hold their baby. This would be especially so during the first month, or confinement.

They also said that another superstition is that if two pregnent women sit opposite each other, one carrying a boy and one a girl, that the genders of the two babies can swap over!!!!!!

I'm sure you have plenty of regular supportive friends who won't be putting superstition before friendship. Have a great pregnancy and all the best!

regards
Caroline

[children]

Hi Terri, Chel, and Caroline,

It is a shame that I lived in China 29 years and never knew such a superstition. Since it relates to the friendship which I cherish, I have made more phone calls and asked many more of my Chinese friends. One of them told me “next time, if anyone asks about Chinese cultures, do not answer so fast, consult me first.” She apparently knows a lot of “traditions” that I do not. She said, pregnant women are happy, women who give births are happy - two happy persons (events) can not be together, because they conflict to each other, one will bring bad luck to the other if they meet. She said pregnant women are not allowed to go weddings either, not allowed to see other pregnant woman, etc. But the husbands of the pregnant women can go weddings and see newborns for their pregnant wives. I asked her, now, I can not go to many other happy occasions? She said, you still can, as long as it does not involve babies. You are not allowed to go weddings, baby showers, seeing newborns, but you can still go other parties. When I challenged her by “why so many other Chinese friends of mine do not know such a thing?” she said, “Because they are all in the US, they do not have parents around to tell them such things” - in China, superstitions are passed to kids by the parents or grant parents.

I guess from what I know now, your friend may not be superstitious herself, but she might be forced to follow some of the superstitions since her grandparents are present. I am sorry that your friend’s baby got chest infection but I am sure it is not your fault. However, this unfortunate infection may lead her want to see you even less; it is good for her and for you too, if she believes such Chinese superstition.

In this case, I change my mind about her. Enjoy your pregnancy and see her afterwards. Tell her she is welcome to come to congratulate you when you are having your baby, because you believe in people’s kindness.

All the best,

Yasmina

[Terri2]

thanks Caroline and Yasmina

I still believe it is unkind what she is doing. We have been friends since the age of 4 and she has seldom followed her culture so religiously. I know her grandparents are pressuring her about this and I understand thats stressful for her. However, in her shoes I would put my friendship first .
My parents have often pressured me to do what they want me to do but if I don't think its right, I don't do it. Friendship is very important to me and I believe friends should be treated with respect. I don't believe she is treating me with respect at all. How can you say you are not going to see one of your closest friends for 9 months?! And then expect to pick up where you left off?!
We went through infertility together and saw each other every day. As soon as she got pregnant, she stopped seeing me and calling me. I told her whilst I was sad for me, I still wanted to be part of her pregnancy and was so happy for her. Still, she cut me off. I hardly saw her for 9 monhts anyway. Then when her baby was due, she kept calling me and asking me to visit because she was bored. So I did.............luckily at the time I knew I was pregnant so it wasn't painful to see her about to give birth! However, she did not know I was pregnant and did not consider this.
All this put together, doesn't seem to be an equal friendship. I have had a dreadful year this year and she knows this will add to the pain I have suffered so I'm not sure I can forgive it.

If I was her, I would visit my friend in secret and just not let my grandparents know.

Of all the people asked at home here and on this board, only one person has backed up her theory. I appreciate all the calls you have made!

One thing has come out correct, a pregnant woman and a woman with newborn can bring bad luck..................it looks like a lifelong friendship is ending because of it. Howver, I don't believe its because of culture, its because one values the friendship less than the other!

thanks again
Terri

[Libby]

Hi Terri,

I understand that you would be hurt by your friends rejection. However, I know if I was superstitious (which I am generally) about this and my baby was sick, I would also stick to the tradition. Protecting your baby will always come first, no matter if the reasoning sounds ridiculous to everyone else. However, I think your friend is probably going about it the wrong way. I am sure if she explained her feelings to you properly and made sure that you knew it was not a rejection of you, you may accept it a little better. But it sounds like she is a bit selfish and has been careless with your feelings.

I hope you have other good friends who are available to share this happy time with you.

Libby x

[Terri2]

thanks Libby

I understand some people are superstitious especially with different cultures and I respect that but I have never heard anything as extreme as this. I find it insulting that she thinks I have a negative effect on her baby. Her baby got sick at a time I wasn't seeing her anyway.
And she went on about how settled her baby was in the first week when I saw her 3 times...............however she didnt' know I was pregnant then.

thanks again
Terri