Baby S and thank you

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 8:20 am

Dear All Today's task is to get on here and respond to all my personal e mails you have sent home and all those on the board. Baby S was born at 4pm on wednesay in Nottingham - very much like it's mother as it came into this world when it felt like and and bloody well was not going to stick to anyone else's timetable. Baby looks very much like IAn which was extra special in a sad way and he stroked it's perfect left hand (the right was fine but not as accessible) and said goodbye. No-one expected this not even the specialists as all was fine with the nuchal and all was fine with the heartbeat at 17 weeks. The baby stopped growing at 16 weeks and must have died sometime after the 17 week heartbeat monitor. They told us and we saw for ouselves that there was a big build up of fluid in the abdomen and by the time baby was born in the head too. Otherwise quite normal and peaceful. As it was young they are reluctant to tell us the sex as genitals all look the same at this stage and we now have to wait 12 weeks for a post mortem not 6 as they are short of perinatal bods to perform it -this is horrendous as we want closure and answers. WE have a special phot and baby will live on. In the meantime life is shit and I have Ian to cling on to and realize as I have always done he is the most wonderful husband in the world and I will fight on another day at some stage so this is not in vain (if I can medically and it is not chromosomal). At 37 I feel I have still so much to offer and at times I feel in the last year I have gone through too much with 4 IVF attemtps - one ectopic just two weeks short of a year ago and now this. Life is not fair but you can't change it - what does change it for me and Ian is the support we have received and continue to receive from family and you. I would I am sure get through it but words cannot convey how much you all help me and at times I will need you all again just to chivvy me along. Without this you would not be a part of my life and I cannot imagine life without you lot so in that respect I am luck. One last thing - For all those pregnant please do something else for me - go on and not worry - this like Scorry's and Elaines and Becky's is rare - despite you all no doubt saying "But Tracey look that is 4"- yes it is - over three countries ( I count Scotland is this Caroline) and over two continents (becky) Go on and enjoy your pregnancies and make us all proud of you. I enjoyed every day of mine and I am grateful I did as the next one will be mentally harder. I know you already do but be thankful for what you have and don't dwell on our problems - that is for us to do and it affects enough lives without you lot getting affected too. There will be times when I am very sad as It would have been me posting on the board about baby kicking too much and no sleep but please go on and post your experiences as like me you truly deserve to be there. For those of you going through tmt and on the 2ww etc - don't lose heart - I have been through some truly shit times that are unlucky so they say and they are. Dig deep and fight the fight - I will be back to do so and will be honoured to go through the trials and tribulations with you. With much love and thanks Tracey xxx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 8:47 am

Right on, you little fighter you. We're all here for you. No-one should have to go through this, but they do in this strange life and none of us knows how or when but it's true you can't live your life in fear. For you, those of us pregnant will carry on being joyful (which we are) and those yet to achieve a pregnancy will carry on being hopeful. This is the best thing we can do for you. Keep writing when you can. Lots of Love to you both - you are lucky to have such a lovely husband who will get you through what might otherwise be more than a person could bear. Lots of Love - Jo. XXXXXX

MARTEEN · Post by **MARTEEN** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 8:52 am

Dear Tracey I just wanted to say how very sorry I am to hear of your baby, it saddens me deeply. Your message was so touching and very moving, my thoughts are with you. I am here upset as I just got a negative after my second treatment, but it seems so insignificant to what you are going through and it has made me realise to stop feeling sorry for myself!! I am again so sorry to hear that you can't but some closure to this for sometime yet. LIFE IS SO CRUEL !!!!!!!!!! I am thinking of you Lots and lots of love Marteen xxx

july ann · Post by **july ann** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 8:56 am

hi tracey the way you put your feelings down just seem to touch us all.I know you have a great hb and together you seem so strong. I would be lying if i said you have not been in my thought's. I'm going to dig deep and fight the fight. sending you both lot's of love. from july ann

Zed2003 · Post by **Zed2003** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 9:07 am

Tracey and Ian, Words seem quite trivial at this time and all anyone can do is live for each moment. The love and support that you both have I hope will keep you strong as will the knowledge that you created a wonderful little treasure that although part of your life for a very short time, will form part of your heart and soul forever. Keep fighting the fight, keep strong. You are both very much in my thoughts. Love Zoe x

bertie · Post by **bertie** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 11:12 am

Tracey and Ian Your words show how strong you both are. I am sorry that you have to wait so long for closure, this is wrong. Keep strong together and you are in my thoughts. love Bertie x

Helen S · Post by **Helen S** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 2:15 pm

Hi Sweetness I have emailed you direct, but just wanted to come on here and send you bigs hugs. Which I know are inadequate, but know that you are constantly in our thoughts. You are a fighter, you have Ian to help you along the way and all of us. Just take it in small steps, one day at a time, even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will find some peace and have joy in your heart once again. All our love and hugs that we send down the lines. So looking forward to seeing you soon. Helen and David. xxxx

louli · Post by **louli** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 4:09 pm

Tracey, How wonderful of you to write down your thoughts. I know that you will feel as though you are in a dark hole now but be patient and wait for the light.Bertie and Helen are so right. You have incredible strength. You are still finding space in your grief to reassure others. You are an inspiration to us all, Big cyber love from our hearts to you both, Lou and Nick

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 4:28 pm

tracey - what an AMAZING lady you obviously are. I dont really know what else to say. As you say we must all be strong, go on to fight the good fight , in order to FINALLY get ourselves to a happy and peaceful conclusion to this awful business, WHATEVER that "closure" turns out to be for each of us. Big love to you and Ian

vickib · Post by **vickib** » Fri Sep 12, 2003 4:42 pm

Tracy I am new to the site but after reading your message felt I just had to write and say how deeply saddened I was by your message, you must have amazing strength to still think of others at such a distressing time. No amount of words seems enough. Vicki x

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