Left Broken

[Thistle]

Well it's only gone and happened again.

I never in a million years thought that our failed struggle with ivf would lead to anything other than tears, expense and heartache. I am sure I never read you might be left broken.

I need to get this out so I am sorry for ranting.

I had my last attempt (-4th) at ivf in June 2005 and I picked up a really bad infection from the EC. I spent a week in hospital on anti-biotics and during that time I was told that the 2 embryos we had made, would perish if they didn't put them in me.

We all knew they didn't have a chance and so did they really if they were honest! I was so poorly I could barely stand and I was on so many drugs I didn't know what was going on. I lost 1½ stone in a week and all the healthy work (accupuncture, fitness, vitamins etc.) I had done for six months before to prepare had been undone in a matter of days.

On this cycle I made my choice to have a GA for the EC, as the pain of him routing around my (deformed from adhesions) insides was too much.

Big mistake. I am now sure that if I was awake he would have been a lot more careful. In the end they said that it was a bladder infection and I would need to have a catheter put in.

Another big mistake. The nurse pierced my insides while trying to insert it, but as it wouldn't go in it was never picked up.

Now 14 months on and I have just had my third op to try to remove the large cyst that formed in the cavity that the nurse had made. Which had been made worse at the time by the infection.

Although this op has been successful and the cyst has gone, my bladder has now been damaged and I have hit rock bottom. The operation was a nightmare and my lower regions looked like road kill. My seriously painful AF arrived a day after and then I had to go home catheterised for 2 weeks and deal with the humiliation of friends and family visiting while I carried a bag of wee strapped to my leg. Nice. Sorry that needed to come out.

It is still not over as even though the catheter has been removed, I am leaking which for me is the last straw. The kind x-ray lady told me not to worry as some women who have had 5 or 6 kids sometimes get that and they cope ok.

Doh. Which bit of "I haven't got any bloomin kids" and "god knows we have tried" do you not understand. I didn't say that of course but now I have, it felt good.

I just need it to be over so I can move on.

Love

thistle x x x

[ogr1]

oh my gosh.
how horrid. i dont know how you didnt slap all of them.

i am sending you huge hugs{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

i wish i could be there in person to lend you a hand or a shoulder.

[Thistle]

Thank you for kind words. To be honest I wasn't really expecting any replies as I just needed to get it all out.

Things have got worse as I have now got an infection so they have put the bag back for a couple of weeks.

Trying to keep my chin up is getting harder every day.

x x x

[ogr1]

are they going to give you a free try. your clinic should after everything they have put you threw.

i know my clinic put me and dh on a antibotices for 10 days before they did my eggs and his sperm and i had to have them again before they put our little embies back..

i cant even begin to fathom what you are having to go threw...
you can e-mail me any time if you want or need to rant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Thistle]

I can't think about aything until this is over. If I can get this sorted out then that will be that. Lying in hospital, knowing that this is all self inflicted, because of my dersire to become a mum put it all into perspective a bit. The hospital has no desire to compensate me with anything let alone a free go. To them it is all co-incidental and very rare!

I needed a sign to let me know how many tries we could physically cope with and I stongly believe that if this hadn't happened then we would have kept going; but not now.

My urologist should be back from his holiday this week, so we will see what he has to say. It is probably going to mean more surgery but if that's what it takes then "bring it on".

Thistle x x