gonna do it all over again...

[meiji]

hello...it's me again....it's been a while since i last check on this site...here we go again...after resting for 3 months i'm gonna start all over again my injections....sad to say that they have to abandon my cycle because of not much follicles growing..low dose of FSH they say.last june i was really hoping that everything we'll go on smoothly.. but it didn't worked out right.so my doc said that they'll increase my dosage this time..im just waiting for auntflow to come and we'll start again... can't wait though..i just hope that this time we'll get the right dose for me ...
so...anyone here having the same experience like this?this site is my inspiration you know...reading all the stories of ups and downs just to get pregnant and have a baby...been married for 4 years now and everytime i heard someone's pregnant....i feel so bad about myself...i dont know...i know it's not right to feel jealous or envious with them and who can blame me??i've always wanted to have a child of my own...please wish me luck nad pray for me that this time everything we'll work out just right.can anyone give me some inspiring messages..i just needed it right now....im a bit scared to be honest with you all...please....thank you all so much...i'll be waiting for any message..

love,
meiji

me 32 y/o.DH 30 y/o
bilateral blocked tubes
first ICSI attempt June 2006 - abandoned

[cheekymonkey]

Hi Meiji,

Just read your post and wanted to say Hi, I am kind of in the same situation as you, I had my first cycle of IVF cancelled in August but mine was because there were too many follicles and so they are going to lower my dose the next time. I had some blood tests today and have to phone for the results tomorrow and should hopefully be starting again in November.
The last part of your message almost descibed me perfectly!!
I have also been married for 4 years now and cannot contain the feeling inside when I find out another friend or relative is pregnant, I find it so hard because I know it is not their fault and I am happy for them I just don't understand why it has happened to them and not me, I want a baby so bad and we are so ready for a child that it just seems unfair that we are struggling so much!!!
The only thing that gets me through all of this is my DH and these wonderful people on this website and of course the belief that one day we will be blessed with a child of our own because as they always say 'good things come to those who wait'
It is a very scary time but you just have to try and get positive and believe that it will be worth it in the end!!
If ever you want to moan, complain or just chat then I will be here, I check the boards everyday so I will get back to you.
Wishing you lots of luck for your future cycle and sending you lots of baby dust!
Take Care
Cheeky Monkey

[brekkemdb]

Hoping that this is the round for you meiji. Praying for just the right about of foollies. Good luck
I also think it is pretty darn normal to have jealously regarding other people getting pg. I think everyone that has struggled to get pg has felt them at one time or another. Hang in there it will happen.

Cheeky--i see you are starting your next cycle in nov. Yeah. bridget

[MidwifeMom]

I am really praying for you this time around. Keep us posted.

Michele

[meiji]

thank you so much guys!!yeah...i think you're all right about this "emotions" haha!i just wish that we''ll all get in there...getting pregnant...cheeky monkey ----i believe with what you have said about good things come to those who wait..that's what my DH tells me all the time...that we just have to wait and it'll be given to us when the right time comes..

ohhh..you all makes me feel really good now...im doing my best to relax myself... trying to get rid of all the worries and fears and all the neagative thoughts at the moment...they said i have to be cool and relax...it helps they said to me...i think im just lucky to have a very understanding DH....thank God for that hahah!!

i'll be keeping myself posted with you guys...i wish us all the luck this time!!let's all keep on praying and sending good lucks to each other's success this time...Let's all wait and see....thanks a lot ......keep me posted!!

me 32y/o DH 30 y/o
1st ICSI attempt - abandoned,not enough follies
2nd ICSI -- October 2006.....wish me luck..

[rhonda01]

Hi Meiji and cheeky monkey - it's really comforting somehow to know that whenever I come on these boards I find people that have the same stories as I do! It's pretty sad to to know that so many of us can't have a baby whenever we want to and have to go through all of this.

I've had 2 failed IVF w/ ICSI cycles because of overstimulation. (too many follies) cheeky monkey I wish they cancelled my cycles instead of making me go through the whole thing only to end in BFP's - good for your RE - trust me it's better this way.

First of all I only have 1 ovary and 1st cycle my RE had me on the highest does of stims because they thought I won't get more than 8 follies - low and behold I got 37 and needless to say the quality of all my embies (19) were very poor. so 2nd cycle they dropped the dose with hopes that I'll get between 10-15 follies and my super ovary produced 27 follies way above what they wanted. I got 22 embies and even got 2 blastocysts on day 5 to transfer and we were so hopeful but once again we got a BFN.

Again they're telling me that the quality of the embies were not good because I produced to much. I have a phone consultation with my RE on Friday to find out exactly what they think went wrong and to see what's the next step. I'm planning to try again in January and I'm really really hoping this time around they get the dosage right because I don't think I can do this again! It's so emotionally hard for me. I want a baby so bad it's like a ache in my heart that just won't go away.

And to make matters worse my SIL did IVF with me - she already has 2 kids - and she got a BFP!

My IF issues are all MF and because of that I have to be extra careful with my DH because he already feels so guilty that he's the reason I don't have a baby yet. We've been married for 2 1/2 years and ttc for 2 1/2 years.

Anyways would love to support you'll through all of this.

Cheeky monkey - how many follies did you have that they cancelled your cycle? Just curious....

[meiji]

hi there Rhonda01.i do know how you feel...yeah...it's sad to know why do we have to suffer this kind of misfortune while the others just got pregnant easily like eating an apple pie?!and what makes me feel so emotional at times is when i read it ina newspaper or watched it on the TV about finding a baby abandoned in a park or having their baabies aborted coz they dont want it?i feel like shouting at them to say that...hey...you're one lucky girl who can get pregnant easily and you dont want it??how i wish im like those girls you know what i mean???anyways,,,i think we all have to be as patient as possible to wait for the right time for our own baby to come huh?im kinda laughing now knowingthat you guys produced quite a lot of follies while i didn't hahah!! as you have read my other posts...i've been "under dosed" by my doctor....and you've been "over dosed" by yours...i do hope that next time yeah they'll give us the right dosage....well,,let's all just wait and see....oh by the way...some of your abbreviations....i dont know them like SIL, IF, RE, ...sorry im still kinda newbie here...well...let's all support each other all through this process ok???all the luck!

[rhonda01]

Meiji - SIL means sister in law - IF is infertility - MF is male factor - RE is reproductive endocronologist.

Don't worry it took me some time to figure out all the slang too.

I just got a follow up email from the nurse at my clinic who handled my case - she went on vacation after the cycle and just came back and heard that I got a bfn and she emailed me to say she was sorry about the BAD news and she wanted to know how we were doing - how do they expect you to be doing I wonder?

It really is pretty silly how you were under-dosed and we were over-dosed - but on the bright side at least we know they can change our dosage to get better results. My CIL (cousin in law) who also cycled with me this time was on the highest dose and she did'nt produce much at all. she's 33 and they told her her ovaries are shutting down and that she should consider donor eggs. So it can always be worse and yet there are always options.

I guess as you said we just have to believe that one day we'll have a baby of our own and all this emotional suffering will all be worth it! I have to believe that it'll work one day because right about now the hope that next time will work it the only thing getting me through each day.

When do you start back your meds for your oct cycle?

[cheekymonkey]

Hi Rhonda01,

To say that is unfair for us to have to go through this to have a baby is an understatement, I think it is damn right cruel!!!! but as we learn to realise we just have to take what is given to us and try our hardest to succeed, which I know we all will!!!
I too find it impossible to deal with other babies and pregnant women, but when the situation arises I just somehow deal with it even though it kills me inside!! My brother has three children aged 4 years, 3 years and 4 mths and my sister in law has one aged 4 mths, I love all my nieces and nephews to bits but it is very hard to watch them as a family cause I want one so desperatley!!!
When my cycle was cancelled I had over 25 follicles in each ovary, they said they could not count them exactly because there were so many and it was too painfull, I know that you probably think it was better for it to be cancelled that to get a BFN but I just felt like it had all been for nothing and I would have preferd to at least have a go!!! I suppose if it had have gone ahead I might have been saying the same as you, I just never know how to feel!!!!
I hope that everything goes well for you in your next cycle and I will be sending lot's of baby dust your way when it is your turn!!

Meiji - Just wondered what your dates are for your next cycle, hope that everything goes well for you and that we all get our dosages right this time round!
Wishing you lots of luck and sending baby dust your way for a BFP!!!

Take Care

Cheeky Monkey

[rhonda01]

Hi Cheeky Monkey and Meiji - had my follow up call with RE this morning and now I'm even more depressed.

she thinks our last 2 cycles failed because of sperm issues and not egg quality like we originally thought. She said based on the ratio of the mature eggs to total follies it just shows that even though I produced a lot the quality was still good. So they want to try again with a lower dose to get me in the 10-15 follie bracket and if the same pattern happens again - 1 or 2 ok embies and all the rest slow growing - then they'll know for sure it's a sperm issue and that we should consider sperm donation. NOT an option for us. Neither DH nor I want that. We want our own children.

I'm so frustrated right now I've given myself a headache. And DH is being so stubborn and I'm trying to convince him to get a second opinion and go see a biochemist and another urologist and he's just saying it's all going to be a waste of time and money.

I just wish that things could be different and that DH did'nt have any issues and we could just have the family we want. Why does God put us through this when we have so much love to give a baby but he gives babies to women who abort them or abandon them???

I'm not giving up hope and I'm going to just keep trying until I can't try any more.

sorry for being so down

[cheekymonkey]

Hi Rhonda,

You don't ever have to be sorry for being down on these boards, it is what we are here for! I am so sorry that you are having these problems to deal with!
I wish there was something that I could say that would make you feel better but I don't think there is, we are given these hurdles and although it is so unfair we must get over them to achieve what we all want most in the world!
What I do know is that you should never give up! I have thought sometimes is it really worth what I am going through but then I suddenly realise that of course it is and I truely believe that it is more than worth it.
I don't really know alot about the male factor as it is me who has the problems, but can they not tell you for deffinate from semen analysis? sorry to be personal but my husband was checked at the start and we were told that he was ok! did they not do that for you before your first two attempts?
I know it must be hard for your husband to be told that he may be reason you are not concieving because I find it very hard that it is my fault that we cannot concieve naturally, but hopefully once he has got used to it then he will be more willing to maybe get second opinions as you sugessted!
I really am sorry that you are feeling down at the moment, if you need to talk to anyone then I check these posts everyday so just post me and I am willing to listen even if I can't help!
Take Care and keep your chin up!
Cheeky Monkey

[rhonda01]

Hi Cheeky Monkey - DH did do a seman analysis and that's how come we know his motility is so low but the thing is with a SA they only know counts and not genetic defects - you have to do DNA testing for that - which he does not want to do - so we're just gonna put him on some meds and vitamins and see what happens - the thing is with meds for men they have to take it for 3-6 months for them to be effective - if they're even going to work - so we'll do that until January when we do IVF again. I'm not giving up on having a biological child from both of us.

lol....Rhonda

[meiji]

hello guys!sorry it took me a while to reply to you because i've been busy with my work and all..anyways...i'm going back to the clinic on the 19th of october to collect my drugs again...which means i'll be starting my cycle maybe around the 25th..oh i dont know sometime soon i supposed. i wish this time im gonna be "dosed up" correctly..you are all right there....we will never give up...we'll go all through this pain and sadness and happiness and everything altogether..we'll all pray for each other's success..i'm trying to relax my mind about this next cycle though it's so impossible not to be too excited and too hopeful huh? ok then...i'll check on you guys tomorrow ok?don't lose hope guys,,,we'll support each one of us right?we all know the feeling about this treatment and the others just dont.catch up again tomorrow...bye for now...

Rhonda - thanks for telling me all the slangs...really appreciate it...