BFN - scarlet letter

[luvbabies]

Had my pg test today BFN... Y-nobody has an answer...Y Y Y ???
Dr. said "we may never know, but we will try to figure it out"

those that don't know me or remember read profile bottom page

3yrs ttc when when when is it my time my turn am I to be only an "aunt"?
We have a consult w/the Dr. next week - scared confused
Is it selfish if I don't want to grasp the option of adopting.
Is it wrong to want to feel the child grow in me, be part of me. I want to see what this "miracle" would look like feel like-
my eyes DH mouth or my curly hair am I freaking out!!! Will my mom live to see a grandchild from me (she's in her late 50's good health) but I get anxiety attacks just thinking it for whatever reason, like time is running out. Not only do I have my own clock ticking but I feel like I have my mother's too.
I feel like a scarlet letter BFN tattooed on my forehead for all to see

[rhonda01]

Luvbabies - send that tattoo my way when you're done!! I feel the same way - like it's just all a hopeless dream that will never happen for me.

2 failed cycles I guess it's much to talk about compared to what so many have been through but I think 1 was enough. I'm trying to build up the courage to try again in Jan 07. I have a phone consult with my RE on Friday to see what they think went wrong this time and I'm just so numb inside I don't even care to hear what she says.

After my bfn I cried for 3 days straight and they woke up Sunday morning and realized that there's absolutely nothing I can do right now to change the fact that I'm not prego and crying just made me feel worse and made my DH upset (our IF is MF) because he feels so guilty that all this is his fault but I love him so much and would not wish to be with anyone but him.

The only thing keeping me going is the hope that maybe one day I'll have a baby of my own. What else can we hold onto?

My SIL who cycled with me got a BFP and she already has 2 kids and it hurt me so much when I heard her test was positive and it's going to hurt me every time I see her because it just reminds me that it did not work for me.

Let me know what you're going to decide to do. And just know that you are not alone!

[luvbabies]

Hey Rhonda- After 2 days of moping and feeling sorry for myself I realized I'm wasting time. Call me crazy but i just thought ok get up and do something anything that will get me to my goal...A BABY!! i can't sit around when time is running out. I'm reading this book called "a Few Good Eggs" and they tell it like it is. Your clock doesn't stop ticking until time has run out. Well mine hasn't. Is it hard extremely do I have to swallow hard to get the lump out YES, but i'm going to try again.

I had my consult w/ my RE and he was very frank and yet honest w/ us.
He said I will get pregnant it's just a matter of when. He told me to not do another FET because if I want 2-3kids to do a fresh IVF so that if I get pg from that in a couple yrs when I come back for another child it will be young eggs used not older of that time. It made sense. He also told me RE's look for 12-16 eggs at retrieval!! I had 26-he said studies show when too stimulated the outcome is not great for pg. When controlled just right it is 50-60% greater pg. He knows what to tweek and he made us feel confident. He also said this time of year is the worst for him or any RE to go thru. The holidays and negatives are even more harder and more depressing. He told me to take 3months come back in January and start again. He's giving us a discount for the amt of times we have tried.
Am I getting to excited? Maybe-but you know I want to be, it's better than stress. I'm going to try acupuncture-my RE feels it helps in stress not so much egg quality or implantation but de stressing can help definately.
I asked if I'm running out of time because I will turn 35 and read where mid thirties egg quality is extremly poor and odds are against you rather than for you. He told me if I took a yr off he would feel it's too long but 3-6months is not that bad he definatley feels a break can be good too. the stress and relationships sometimes need to step back get a cool head and it works the next time around.
Don't give up rhonda its so easy to want to but you know you really never will. The regret and "what if" will play with your head if you don't try again. Take a little time off then get up and get going. The rollercoaster is just slowing down again get ready for another ride!!!

[rhonda01]

luvbabbies - you are so right!! I'm laughing at how you said the roller coaster is just slowing down for another ride that's so exactly how I'm feeling!!

Your situation is similar to mine - I got 27 follies when they only wanted 10-15 (i've only got 1 ovary and it's super producing one) I sent out a post about how many follies is too many and Ghost answered back (who's this ghost do you know?) and he/she said that the perfect # of follies is 13-16 because anything higher than that releases to many hormones into the system and therefore causing the uterus to not be very receptive to implantation - made a lot of sense to me.

So next time for me will be in January. My follow up with my RE is tomorrow morning so I'll know more then.

So we're gonna do this again and hope that next time they get the doses right for us!!

Have a good day!!

[luvbabies]

Let me know what your RE has to say.
I'm glad your smiling...GOOD Looks like we'll be January buddies.

Hey make your tweeks and adjustments but THEY BETTER get the right dose!!

[rhonda01]

Luvbabies - I'm feeling really depressed today. Spoke to my RE this morning and she said that they think our 2 cycles failed because of sperm issues. She said even though I'm producing a lot of follies the ratio of mature eggs to follies is amazing so she does not think it's an egg quality issue that is making the embies poor quality. But she said she does not know for sure and will not know until my next cycle. She will drop my dose a bit to keep the follies around the 10-15 count and that will definately rule out egg quality issues and once they are fertilized if they continue to grow slow then we know for sure it's the sperm quality and we should consider a sperm donor. Of coure neither DH nor I will do sperm donation and DH is against the idea of adoption so basically I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now!

I know there's always the chance that one embie will be good and I'm holding onto that. In the meantime I'm trying to get DH to go to a biochemist and see another urologist for a second opinion as well as go to another clinic for a second opinion but DH can be so stubborn at times and I told him it's up to him. I can't keep begging him to go see some other doctors and get some other options. It's just to mentally draining.

God I wish that DH did'nt have any issues and that we could have kids naturally!!! But then I'd probably have something else to worry about right?!

It's just all so frustrating......

sorry for being so down

[luvbabies]

Okay-Don't put too much pressure on Dh right now. let him absorb all the info he just got. Mens ego's are very fragile at this kind of stuff. They want to be the supporters not the supported. He knows what he heard and it's up to him to come to you. Now when that will happen not sure but don't freak out. give him a month or so-Iknow that's allot to you and I but again the holidays coming up he'll get the picture soon (kids thanksgiving xmas) trust me it's just too much of a soft spot right now.
Think of it if it were reversed-WE would be devistated but he would comfort you I'm sure. Right now he's pissed off feels like he let both of you down and he's scared I'm sure so he shows it angrily and pushing you away a little. He knows what you both have been going thru and to find out it's "his fault he can't give you/him a baby" (this is what HE thinks) is alot to absorb. let the storm settle and just give him extra hugs reasurrance is KEY that your not going anywhere in the relationship. Most couples have a 35% seperation/divorce because of stresses w/ infertility.
Let him know your there for him and when he wants to talk your there. Or if he's not the confrontational type give him extra hugs and comfort that way. There IS A PLAN for you both it's just a little time before it presents itself. He will go to another Dr just give him some space-he wants a biological child as much as you so it's upto him to make this move-he will when it dawns on him he holds the key to the future family... you'll see. Hang in there-it'll work out I'm sure

[rhonda01]

Luvbabbies - thanks so much for the support! I know DH will come around eventually - I just need to kick him in the butt and send him in the right direction!

I heard a really great story today about a couple who was TTC for 10 years with unexplained infertility and did IVF numerous times and on her last attempt got pregnant and then had 2 kids naturally after. Imagine TTC for 10 years and then having 3 kids just like that.

I guess there's always hope right.

I'm going to give IVF in Barbados one more shot in January 07 and then try someplace else. I'm not giving up on having a biological child of our own. I just need to find something for DH to take that can maybe help between now and then.

Just got my hair and makeup done for a wedding I have tonight and I'm at least feeling a little prettier than I have in months!

have a great weekend

[luvbabies]

GOOD FOR YOU! I wish I had my hair done-nobody seems to know how to style curly hair. They cut it okay but the blow dry after...OH MY!
I end up going home and doing it all over again myself.
Barnados wow! My mom was born in Panama but to look at me and my brother were fair skin blue eyes brown hair (my fathers side is from Virginia-German blood) good mix of cultures-the spanish food on one side and country cookin on the other LOL!

Okay I have story that will beat yours!...
My RE told us at the consult he sees me getting pg it's just not knowing how long it will take. He knew a woman who had IVF and got 60 follicles
yes you read right 60!! She transfered 3 and 45 were able to fertilize and freeze. 2 and 1/2 yrs it took her to keep coming back for a FET of 3 each time and never took. Up until the LAST 2 left remaining...(only 2 left!) she then got pg with 1 child!!! He scared the hell out of me but he laughed and said not to worry. Yeh OK!

[rhonda01]

Luvbabbies you made me laugh when you talked about your curly hair! I've got curly hair as well and there's only 1 girl that can get is straight and look good! I'm in the office and everyone's going 'wow you look different' normally I wash it out before work on Monday but I was running late today so my hair is still straight. I love my curly hair but the change is nice sometimes.

WOW about your story with the girl with 45 snow babbies - oh my gosh guess what's meant to be will be right! But I'm thinking if she got so many follies I guess her egg quality was pretty amazing!

DH is feeling a lot better today since he spoke to his cousin who's an obgyn but worked at a fertility clinic for 2 years and his cousin is going to review our case and speak to his friends at the clinic he worked with and get their opinion and get back to us by the end of the week. I'm glad DH finally called him because through all this he did'nt want to call him because he was feeling bad to. Men are so strange sometimes.

I'm trying to not think about what RE told us about DH's sperm being all bad and I'm focusing on all the ladies that got healthy babies from doing IVF with ICSI becaue severe MF issues and I'm thinking why can't I end up being one of those successful ladies

There's always hope and there's always other places we can try.

Hope you had a great weekend!

[luvbabies]

I'm SOOOOOO glad hubby is coming around a little!!

He probably is uncomfortable with his stats but because it's his cousin he has little comfort in that too.

Just remember an OB/GYN is not the same as an RE-both are good in there own fields but an RE specializes in fertility only! An OB/GYN does NOT have the same degree/specialties as an RE.

Atleast your hubby is coming around and see what the outcome is but if your gutt is telling you he needs to see someone else ACT ON IT

[cookholmes]

Luvbabies, I just wanted to say hello! I am Panamanian and Colombian, but I lived in Panama up until 1994.

If you are on MySpace, my page is www.myspace.com/niccelicious

[luvbabies]

Hey Cookholmes

I haven't been on this site in awhile. Good to hear from someone again!

Haven't been on by choice wanted to step back and take a FULL break from everything. It just so happens I'm waiting for my period to start the round for this year. GOOD TIMING to you. I was just thinking of coming back to the site again to get support...very weird...panamanian ESP... LOL!

My grandmother is Columbian!! In fact she talks greatly of San Andres island where some of her family is also. I went to panama 3 times and the island 2 times.
My mother came to the states when she was 13yrs old and met my father in high school. We still have family there. My mom talks with her friends from Panama on the internet quite often. My uncle just came back this summer from visiting. I don't speak spanish too well my mother tried to teach us but it grew hard as we got older-she regrets it greatly. I didn't at the time but my brother and I, now that were older, wish we did know.
My grandparents past away couple yrs back and I miss the sound of spanish greatly. My uncles live not close to us so we hear it from time to time in the family but not as frequent. Amazing what you take for granted when your young.
I'm not on my space but my email is www.tessa1dog@comcast.net