A Friend's Baby Shower - Ugh

[brit10]

I just got an email from a good friend who is due in December. Some of her other friends are having a baby shower for her....which is nice, but this is her third child (she has NO fertility problems).

I guess since I'm on the 2ww and am very emotional, this email almost made me burst into tears. I didn't realize that women were given baby showers after their first child? I just don't understand and frankly, with the way I feel right now, I don't want to go!

I know that makes me sound like a terrible person, but if my pregancy test is negative next week, how can I possibly then attend a baby shower for someone else??

Why has infertility made me unable to celebrate the happiness of a good friend? Have I really become that selfish?

[Ems1971]

Hi Brit
I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling. My best friend gave birth when I was on my downreg phase of my first IVF in July, and another close friend gave birth a week before my BFN in September! I had SUCH a hard time trying to be happy for the second friend as she had left her husband last September, met someone else in October and was pregnant in November, having said all her life she didn't want children! And there's me and DH who want them so much and have been trying for nearly 5 years!
I found by taking a step back from it all when I needed to really helped me. I felt extremely bitter and angry about the whole thing and was so worried that it would effectively ruin lifelong friendships, but now I am feeling better about things and am able to see my friends and their babies. I know that one day that will be us to, even if we don't have one of our own, we WILL eventually have that family we've wanted for so long.
Don't get me wrong, yes, I do still feel upset and have good days and bad, but its getting easier.
Do whatever you have to to deal with these things when you need to. If they are real friends they will completely understand, and if they don't, they are not worth having as friends.
Good luck for your test date - be strong.
Love Emma x

[KF'06]

I just got an email from a good friend who is due in December. Some of her other friends are having a baby shower for her....which is nice, but this is her third child (she has NO fertility problems).

I guess since I'm on the 2ww and am very emotional, this email almost made me burst into tears. I didn't realize that women were given baby showers after their first child? I just don't understand and frankly, with the way I feel right now, I don't want to go!

I know that makes me sound like a terrible person, but if my pregancy test is negative next week, how can I possibly then attend a baby shower for someone else??

Why has infertility made me unable to celebrate the happiness of a good friend? Have I really become that selfish?

Don't feel bad about it. We all feel like that. And yes, people do celebrate baby showers for their 3rd kids. I went to one myself.
I went to my friend's house a couple of months ago and there was one girl who was 5 months preg. She knew that I had started trying to get preg a year before she did. We both felt very awkward: she felt weird about celebrating her happiness knowing that i have problems and I felt weird because I couldn't be honestly happy for her. I tried to be polite and ask questions about her pregnancy but she wasn't crazy about answering them. I guess because she felt I wasn't sensere. It was horrible.
If, god forbid, you get negative, talk to your friend and explain that you wouldn't be comfortable at the baby shower. Tell her you are happy for her but too emotional due to the med or smth like that. If she is a real friend, she should understand. But I really hope you get BFP and will go there and celebrate your happiness too!

[angellica]

Brit10

Yes this I am afraid is a natural reaction, when we are going through what we are going through every woman and her daughter seems to be radiantly glowing with the happy hormones of pregnancy! what joy, as mentioned by me somewhere else on this great let it all out forum, on my 1st cycle my BF got pgt with twins and I went on to be birthing partner and godmother (couldn't live without them!!) then 2nd cycle my older sister an abortion, then blow me down I started cycle NO.3 a week ago and my little sister pops round too tell me the good news.....I sat there and cried as soon as she left, I am now listening to my family jabber on about how she is finding it hard hormonally.....theres me cring over spilt milk and the likes and wanting to comitt blinking murder!! just to try anf get pregnant.............so be peeved girl have a good cry.....scream...shout and then laugh...cos that next babbie shower is all yours, and it'll be great xxxx

Chin up xxx

[terri1]

Hello

I just want to say the way you are feeling is completely normal and you shouldnt feel bad about not going to this baby shower. Hopefully you will get a bfp and then you will want to go but if you don't and she is a real friend she will understand. If she doesn't understand then that says more about her than you doesn't it?

When I was trying my best friend emailed me (I had asked her to do this as she knew I was going through treatment) and told me she was pregnant. She said 'I know you will be delighted for me but also sad for yourself'
The honest truth was, I was not delighted for her at all, it took her 3 months to conceive! I felt so bad for feeling like this but as long as we don't say 'well actually I am not that happy about it' then we shouldn't feel bad. And she ended up being one of my biggest supports through this despite the fact she had no idea what I was going through. She just understood whatever I did, now thats a good friend.

you are not being selfish. this journey is bloody hard and I think many of us come close to depression with it. The last thing we need is our noses rubbed in it by all the pregnant women around us.
even though I am pregnant now, I never forget how it felt when I was trying. I never look back and think I should have handled it better. I actually lost one of my friends because she was so insensitve and that was someone who had been through infertilty herself! as soon as she got pregnant she left me to it because I wasn't part of the pregnant club.

This girl might be fine about it when you talk to her.

You need to put yourself first and not feel bad about it.

love terri

[ampmed1]

Dont feel bad brit! I feel the same way about this right now. I am so tired of going to these things. My friends are well aware of this now. After my last BFN, I broke down with my best friend and the next time another one came around they understood why I sent a gift instead of making an appearance. It was hard enough buying the present!! I am also in my 2ww and today am feeling horrible. My left side is hot and achey. I feel better when I am laying on my tummy which is what I am going to do here in a few. I went to work 2 days after transfer. But today was bad so I came home early. very emotional and just cannot seem to get comfortable. How are you feeling right now. Do you feel any different in the abdominal region? I am wondering if I should of had more bed rest? God I hope this works! POSITIVE THOUGHTS YOUR WAY!

[brit10]

Thanks girls, for all your wonderful stories and fabulous support!!

I've been crocheting a baby blanket for my friend anyway, so I will finish that up and send it along with a nice card and an excuse of another committment for that day. I won't know anyone else there anyway and all her other friends have 3.2 kids each and I will feel out of place so I think it's best that I stay away.

ampmed1 - I went back to work today - the second day after my transfer as well. I'm on my feet all day, but I took breaks and managed to keep my stress level down. The left side of my belly feels heavier then my right and I get some cramping every once in awhile. No spotting though, which I don't know if that's good or bad. When do you test??

[WhitneyBarnes]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. It seems like everyone who doesn't want/deserve a child, ends up pregnant. It frustrates me SO bad! I feel so horrible that I am so bitter towards people. I'm at the point to where I can't even go to the hospital to see newborns of friends/family. It's so bad for me right now, I can't even explain. My sister is getting married in November, and they are going to start trying right away. I just know in my heart that she is going to get pregnant quick. I've told myself, if that happens, it is going to kill me. I've always wanted to give my mother her first grandchild, with me being the oldest and all. *sighs* Things are really rough, and everyone takes things different! You will have good days, and you will have bad days. You just have to remember on your bad days, that your good one is right around the corner.

[brit10]

I guess I don't really feel bitter, I was just shocked at what I felt was my friend's insensitivity. It was all done through email, which doesn't always get feelings across appropriately. And in my personal opinion, I think a baby shower for your third child is excessive - her others are only 4 and 2 - especially when you're as wealthy as she and her husband are. But that's just how I feel.

My younger sister (by 5 years) got pregnant easily and I was SO excited for her. My nephew was the first grandchild and it actually was a relief to me that I was no longer on the spot as the oldest trying to reproduce under pressure! I went to stay with my sister for two weeks when my nephew was just 7 days old and that was one of the happiest times of my life. My sister has even (jokingly) mentioned that she would carry a baby for me if it came to that. We laughed about it, but I know she would if I was unable to...and if it comes to that.

When I was much younger and struggling with infertility with my first husband, I felt the same way as Whitney....very upset with everyone who conceived so easily and struggled to be happy for them. But my infertility "saved" me from having children with the wrong man, and I have to be thankful for that. Now I'm with the most wonderful man in the world and I have to somehow just trust that if it's meant to be it will be.

[fulloffaith]

Hey Brit,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I would go to a family members baby shower but that's about it. They depress me so bad!
I work in a large office and I think something is in the water over here because there are SO many women pregnant right now. Baby showers left and right. I never go to any of them. They all start talking about their labor experiences and all these stories and I am just sitting there. Then they'll ask me "When is it your turn Allison?"
So I just stay away alltogether. It's not that we are bitter or jealous but it's being uncomfortable and fielding those questions that bother me!

And I DEFINETLY think having a baby shower for your 3rd or 4th kid is ridiciulous! Unless it's later in life or you are finally having a girl or something!

Anyway, hope your 2ww flies by and you get to have your own baby shower soon!!!

HUGS,
Allison