Did my test this morning. Another BFN.
I'm feeling gutted but I also feel very angry. I didn't feel angry last time. Just really upset. Is angry normal?? I feel angry at my clinic but maybe thats just me needing to lash out at someone or something.
I ALWAYS had a feeling that things weren't great with my cycles. So many women have 6 or 8 cell embies replaced. In my case, it was 2 & 3 cell embies. I'm no expert, but surely more advanced embies stand a better chance and they are more likely to be graded correctly. I just feel like 6 months of my time and money has been wasted on useless tmts and endless tests. My consultant also noticed that I have a polyp in my womb but poo-pooed me when I suggested that I have it removed before my next transfer. I wanted everything to be as perfect as I could get it. I needed this FET to work. I just feel that my tmts were never destined to work. I just don't think my cycles were given the best possible chance of success. I think some clinics still see it as a "numbers game". In some cases that maybe the case, but in most cases I don't think it is. I'm just banging my head against a wall with it all!!!
I don't know where we go from here. Our consultant has already told us that we need to start thinking about donor sperm for our next cycle. This FET was our last chance to have a child that is biologically my DH's. How can God be this cruel?!?! At the moment, I'm not interested in anymore tmt and I don't think DH is either. I've lived & breathed IVF since my ectopics 6 years ago. Thats all I've thought about and now I want to think about other things & get my life back.
We've decided that tmt is off our "to-do" list for a while. I want a life again. I want to go out and have a drink without thinking "Should I be having this? Could it affect the tmt cycle?". I want to be able to have a bloody cup of coffee in the morning without think the same thing!
We've decided to have a nice Xmas. I've also booked for us to go to Ireland for New Year so I plan to get totally trashed!!! . My DD is going to Italy on a ski-ing trip in Feb with school. She's going for 9 days so me & DH may try & get a crafty weeks holiday too.
I think we'll review the IVF situation in the summer. We've already thought about going to the states for our next cycle cos theres a clinic in New York that are the dogs b*llocks in male factor infertility apparently. I think its highly unlikely that we'll be going back to our current clinic. Its nothing against them and the staff are all fantastic, but they've not succeeded in getting me my dream and thats what its all about, isn't it???
Anyway, I'm sorry for such a dreary post. I'm not feeling THAT dreary to be honest. My 2ww has come to an end and even though I got a BFN, I can move forward. The 2ww is a living hell cos your just in limo arent you?? I'm not in limbo anymore which is great..
I'll probably be staying off the BB for a while. Its not cos I want to as such, its just that I need to start thinking about other stuff apart from tmt. I need to start living again. My marriage is already a wee bit strained from 2 BFN's and I've NO intention of letting that slip. I'll be popping in occassionally to see how your all getting on and I'll probably be back posting again in May/June next year gearing myself up for it again.
In the meantime, I just wanna say thanks for EVERYTHING!! You ladies (& not forgetting you, Ghost!!) have been my rock the past few months and I'd be a bald, twitching mess without the support & advice you've given me. You all deserve your dreams and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for each of you.
Lots of love and baby dust to all.
Corinna (over & out)
4 IVF=BFN