Probably a bad time to post

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Fri Sep 26, 2003 11:10 pm

I've not posted much lately, and am sorry in advance that this is probably a bit of a self-indulgent post, probably fueled by the fact that its midnight, I've had a few glasses of wine (with a friend, I hasten to add!) and DH is away tonight, but I'm feeling a bit down. As some of you will know, we've had 5 unsuccessful attempts (4 full IVF/ICSI, one FET), and we're planning for our 6th and final go. I had the tests for the killer cells 10 days ago, and am waiting for the results, but have this awful feeling that it'll be bad news. Part of this is, I think, cos they did pretty well 20 blood tests, and you feel as if when they do that many at least one will be abnormal, and also, while I'm generally pretty healthy, I'm quite a sneezy, allergic type of person. Then this week I went in for my day 2 blood tests, which I expected to be fine, and had a call on Thursday to say my FSH is "borderline" (10.1) which is just one more problem to factor in. So I feel a bit as if everything is conspiring against me. I thought I'd started to come to terms with the fact that this might not work for us, but this new problem has just made me realise that I so so want us to be able to have children (or at least a child) of our own. And everyone says they can't believe how well I'm coping with all this, and I try to be positive for DH, but I'm beginning to feel that I'm living a bit of a lie all round and I just want to scream out "ITS NOT FAIR!!!" I'm just feeling so tired of the being positive and doing everything I can - I guess hence the wine (and a few fags!) this evening. I keep clinging to the idea that this nightmare will have a fairytale ending (twins, ideally one of each!!) and yet part of me feels that if I'm going to have a fairytale it will be down some other path. I warned you that this would be self-indulgent, and now realise that perhaps this should have been a "life after IVF" post, but I'll be buggered if I can cope with cutting and pasting it into a new message at this time of the day! Sorry if I've lowered anyone's spirits. I love this site and the friends I've made through it both through all the positives we get and from the inspiration I get from people who cope with the most unimaginably dreadful things. I don't want to be gloomy but I guess this is just how I'm feeling, and I know that you'll understand, and also you're the people who can tell me to bloody well pull myself together! Well, I better stop there and go and make myself a strong coffee! I love you all (I told you, I've had a few drinks and get a bit like this!) No doubt things will look better in the morning, love Alison x

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 12:59 am

you just hang in there. its not over ... give yourself a break. you have been threw alot. you have every right to feel the way you feel. just dont let it take over.and you should have your thred where ever you want it. i dont think there is a wrong place. i think that most people check out all of them any way... every one has feelings and thoughts and different ideas and that is what helps all of us. life isnt fair and it is very hard. there is a saying that every rose has a thorn. we will all find our roses. becky

Dawn Blake · Post by **Dawn Blake** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 7:16 am

Oh Alison, your post made me cry! Please don't, for one minute guilty for how you feel. Anyone who has been through what you have been through and not feel down/defeated/self indulgent, is, in my opinion NOT NORMAL! In between all my failures I have had been really low, and it is through my family and friends that I have bounced back, which is what you will do. I think it is important to have this 'you' time, to feel sorry for yourself, cry, grieve all the disappointments, because if you don't then you will end up completely screwy! Try Not be to negative about the killer cells results, if you are preparing for the worst (like I used to do with test results) it makes you feel really shi**y, so wait for them to come back, hey, I bet you will be pleasantly surprised! Borderline Day 2's happen to so many people who go on to get their twins, you know that young lady, you have ready the posts and replied with encouraging mails yourself!! Deny it?!!! Don't feel like you have got to be strong for DH, he is probably doing the same for you, when all you both really want to do at times is collapse in a heap and cry you eyes out to each other. No-one can expect you to be strong all the time for God's sake and cope with the nightmare of IVF. Some of my mates think I really deal with it amazingly, but it only takes a bad day, or a few glasses of wine and I can be in tears all night! Coping well - yeah right! So (sorry this is really waffly) get those tears out, scream "It's not fair" at the top of your voice, but most importantly - GO FOR IT! Your determination will win through, and your dreams WILL come true! Take extra special care of yourself, and once your hangover has subsided (!!!) get your positive head back on! Lots of Love D x

Nikola · Post by **Nikola** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 7:18 am

Alison Everyone feels like you did last night at some point! I for one have had a night of self-indulgence with the wine bottle to drown my sorrows! Usually you wake up in the morning feeling like you've brushed away a few cobwebs and got a few things off your chest and apart from the hangover, feel better about things! As Becky said, you post wherever you bloody well want! This site is for all us to be there for each other and that is what we do. I think you should wait and see what the NKC results say. As far as the FSH levels are concerned my clinic (lgi) does not consider that to be too high. My FSH has been persistently high and at one blood test just before my first tmt it as 11.6, I raised the issue with the consultant and he said its ok we'll use Puregon which is supposed to be effective in patients with a high FSH. I asked him how high it could go before we would have to stop and he said as long as its below 15 we can still treat you with a high dose of puregon. If your clinic says other things you should maybe try another clinic. Fiona lk (hope you don't mind me using you as an example!)did this when she had a high FSH and look at her now - pg. Please don't give up hope, its still not over yet. Hope you feel a bit better today and if not, post on here, we'll all be here for you. love nikola.xxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 9:54 am

Hello Alison my friend, Firstly really glad that you posted, that is what it is here for and we have all felt exactly like you did last night many times. It is impossible to feel cheery and positive all the time I think every one of us had doubts if we did n't we would n't be normal. Re the tests as the other girls have said try not to worry too much about the borderline result. My FSH as always been 9.5 or 10 and my consultant says it is nothing to worry about as long as we are getting okay embryos. Look at Nikola's result and Fiona's too. I know how you feel about all these tests. My NK result came back as borderline and I was pretty pissed off as I thought not another thing wrong but hey maybe it will hold the key, who knows? This is a hard road we are following and I really, really know how difficult it is to keep on going. Sometimes I have felt like throwing in the towel but something is keeping me going for now. If it does n't work out for me at least I know I have done everything I can (sorry now I am being negative) Anyway, Alison don't think I have been much help but the main thing is to know you are not alone. Keep in touch. Love Gracexx PS Have started number six...come on we can do it!!!

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » Sat Sep 27, 2003 1:04 pm

hi alison, Im so sorry that youre feeling so low, dont think badly of yourself for beinf self indulgent! its our right! I really do pray that this 6th go for you will bring you your bundle of joy. thinking of you, lots of love and a huge hug kathryn x

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Sun Sep 28, 2003 12:39 pm

Alison Hope your hangover wasn't too bad. You posted in the right place and it does us good to rant and ask for some support now and again. I am also considered one of those strong people and sometimes we need to get things off our chest too. You are amongst friends and people who will know what you are going through, many have been where you are now. Wishing you all the best. Lisa(Loonpants) xxx

Di · Post by Di » Tue Sep 30, 2003 4:57 am

Hi Alison, How are you feling today? Like everyone else has said we've all had days like yours where the odds seem to be so stacked against us and you feel so despondent! This had been my 9th attempt and this time we went to The Park in Nottingham for tests pre tmt! The results showed loads of problems including natural killer cells - which relly made me wonder why we were bothering with anothre tmt. I also felt really down that as someone who's always looked after themselves - eaten healthy etc, that I could have so much wrong!!! But we were reassured that everything was treatable and lo and behold I'm now 6 weeks pregnant! Hope this gives you a bit more confidence, take care, Di

luce · Post by **luce** » Tue Sep 30, 2003 5:33 am

Hi Alison Am so sorry to hear you feeling low, but like the others have said, we are all entitled to feel this way and ask for support occasionally. This whole if thing isn't exactly a walk in the park, nor is it ever straightforward, and I know you will come out of this as strong as ever. As you know, we have had 2 failed attempts at the same clinic as you. We are going for our 3rd and final attempt right now too. We also had the immunology tests done, and like you, I was sure they were going to turn up something horrible and I was very uncomfortable with the corresponding treatments. However, every cloud has a silver lining, and my test results were all normal!! So it does happen! And whilst it still leaves us unexplained, I'm glad we had them done. Re: your fsh, you know that it fluctuates tremendously from cycle to cycle. It is only borderline, not really really high. When are you hoping to start again? Good luck with the results - if you're at the clinic one day over the next 2 weeks, let me know as I'm stimming now so am there every day - we could have a coffee! Take care Love Luce xx

Clara 1 · Post by **Clara 1** » Tue Sep 30, 2003 6:43 pm

Hi Alison Hope the hangover wasn't too bad, and that you're feeling a bit better. You weren't being self indulgent. There's room for everything on this site as we all know. We don't just want to read positive stuff, this whole IVF business is so tough and we don't need to put on our positive faces all the time to people on here. It's exhausting enough doing it for families and DHs! Don't worry about your FSH, it wasn't high, only borderline - I'm always borderline or high and I did manage to get pregnant first time, even though it ended up being ectopic. So don't worry yourself about that! Hope the blood results are OK when they come back. And I really hope you'll soon start your next go soon, and until then, be as self indulgent as you like!! Lots of love Claire x

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 8:40 am

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words and encouragement, and thanks too to Fiona for phoning. This is going to have to be a quickie as I'm at work, but you're kindness is so much appreciated, and reading your messages over the last few days has really picked me up - I think I'll print and keep this strand! Not yet heard back from the blood tests but looking on it more positively now - if they do find something then they can treat it and that might improve my chances, and if they don't then that's one less thing to worry about! Anyway, better go, but rest assured I still love you all even stone cold sober!! Alison x

BelB · Post by **BelB** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 11:11 am

Hey Alison, Thanks for your honesty, and your openess. I've been there too, lots of us have by the sound of it, you're not alone, and your response to this completely heart wrenching situation is completely normal. As the other girls have said, this site is about IVF, and about our experiences, good, bad and ugly. Glad to hear that you're feeling brighter, and that you've been so supported through this time. Keen positive Alison, good things will come. B

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Fri Oct 03, 2003 4:02 pm

Just a quick update to say that after all that fussing last week the NK tests have come up with "nothing major". They'll probably put me on low dose steroids next time round, and there's an outside chance of doing the IVig (??) thing, but no need to delay treatment, other than to get the FSH down. So back in 3 weeks for another blood test, and see how we go from there. Slightly frustrating not to have a definite plan/timescale but relieved at the results - seems a good compromise of nothing to worry about but an extra thing to try! Have good weekends everyone - quite night in with DH planned for me tonight, so no more drunken postings! Love Alison x

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