Message for Caz

suzanne · Post by **suzanne** » Tue Aug 26, 2003 3:19 pm

Becky, sorry to butt into your thread, but I just wanted to say that you and your DH seem to have a great marriage and a real mutual respect for each others feelings. I think it's fantastic that both of you are so willing to compromise in terms of making each other happy. I understand what your DH said about perhaps not feeling an equal, as I wonder if one person was the natural parent, how that would make the partner feel. As you say though it's a very individual thing. I think you're absolutely right to put your marriage before anything else, and I wish you both the very best of luck in the future with your plans to adopt. Best wishes, Suzanne.x

becky · Post by **becky** » Tue Aug 26, 2003 5:12 pm

Hello Suzanne ..thanks for your kind words..confirms that we are doing the right thing..onwards and upwards..not so easy when the news has been filled today with reports of 3 free IVF goes in Surrey and Sussex..feel tempted to call our NHS consultant and see if it really will happen..but we consult with DH first of course..I know part of the reason that he said he couldn't deal with another ICSI was the financial pressure. If only it was my birthday soon..to blow out the candles and make a wish that this horrid time would go away. love becky B

becky · Post by **becky** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:52 pm

Just bringing this thread up to the top again

becky · Post by **becky** » Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:15 am

Hope that you are ok Caz as you were on here all of the time...and then nothing...?? getting a bit worried love Becky B

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Sun Aug 31, 2003 4:47 pm

Hi becky SO SO sorry havent been on - was my first week back at work last week and have been all over the place. God not working was the BEST!! O well, needs must read you email - so interesting. Your dh is being very honest and thats great...but....what do YOU want? I get the feeling you havent completely let go of the idea of doing another ICSI? Am I right? I think adoption WOULD be a wonderful solution, dont get me wrong, but I know what its like to want your OWN baby...from day 1 of its life. I dunno Becky, just sounds like you are being SO SO selfless and I know that at times you have to be. AND I agree COMPLETELY that at the end of the day the marriage is no 1 priority, but you need to be sure that adoption is the right decision for you as well as yr DH . I cant help but feel that in the long run , if you give up the chance of having your own child, you might find you resent it one day, and surely thats not gd for teh relationship either.(I am voicing my own concerns here!) God sorry - I probably shouldnt have said this - have stepped over the mark and its non of my bloody business anyway but ....well, anyway.....!! Hope you know I am just throwing thoughts at you NOT an opinion, if you know what I mean! I wonder...your dh says he wouldnt bond with a DI child....I have EXACTLY his concerns too...but I keep coming back to the adoption thing having the same issue?? Wouldnt it? Is it the inequality (you being related and him not) about DI thats the problem for him (and my DH too) , do you think? Or is it the fact that if you use DI and are open about it , then its obvious that it is the man with the problem (men a bit funny about sperm being a sign of manlyness and all that rubbish)... in which case , have you discussed being completely secretive about it? It might make your dh feel better? All these are Qs I have no answer for and we are 50/50 about the DI thing. So many good arguments for and against. Whatever you do , good luck - keep chatting to me and I'll try to be a bit quicker with responses! Cazxx ps - we are going to see the Bridge on 12th Sept - will give you feed back obviously.x

SJ BROWN · Post by **SJ BROWN** » Sun Aug 31, 2003 8:35 pm

Hi girls, Hope you dont mind me butting in....... We are doing FET (did ICSI in may-male factor fertility) When we did our treatment we had to sign consent forms for DOnor back up just in case hubby did not produce much on the day, luckily he did (he ha d to do 2 visits to lab & 2 samples-bless!) It was a difficult decision to make as hubby was totally against doner, however its a lot of money to waste if we got to EC & his sample no good.... One thing I did say to him re doner (we may need to go down this route in the future) is that anyone can be a father but it takes someone really special to be a "dad" - I have nothing to do with my biological dad & get on really well with my step dad. Also,so many men marry/live with women who have children from a previous relationship & take on the role of dad with no problem(bearing in mind the father is real! not unknown)They also do not have the joy of bonding from birth!! Just wanted to share this with you as may help your hubbys to get their heads round things......... I think with men its a bit of a pride thing but when I pointed out to my hubby how many of his friends were dads to another mans kid(from previous relationships)he realised he had not thouhgt of it like that. Good luck to you both in what you decide and I really hope you dont mind me sharing this with you....Hope it makes sense.. Take Care Sarah xx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Wed Sep 03, 2003 6:24 pm

thanks sarah - thats really good of you to sjare your thoughts - please continue to do so!! I really hope all goes well for you. Our current thinking is that we'll do ICSI 2 more times...next year and if thats no go, then donor. And I think we probably wont tell ANYONE and just keep it to ourselves and maaybe tell the child when he/she is old enough to understand...assuming it works. BIG IF. Anyway thats todays plan - changes everyday tho! Hows things with you Becky? Cazx

becky · Post by **becky** » Thu Sep 04, 2003 7:24 am

Hello Girls Things are fine thanks..thanks also for your long messages..it all makes alot of sense..really still in a bit of a pondery (such a word? if not sounds good) We seem to have a diary full of appointments to see both of our drs, the fertilility specialist..3 adoption centres..and the Bridge..oh year and urologist.. All will be revealed in the next few weeks I guess..dh has his sperm test tomorrow..so you never know ???will find out the results in a week or so and I think we will take it from there. He feels very strongly that he doesn't want to have any more treatment at the moment..and I am not the sort of person that can sit there doing nothing so I still feel that adoption is the route for us and perhaps we can try a go at ICSI in 3-4 years time if we want to have another go..technology will be better then and we can save up some money and there will be alot less pressure all round..donor may even be an option later on when we have managed to get our heads around it.. Must go to work now..wont be logging on tonight or tomorrow as I am a maid of honour at my best mates wedding so I am very excited..and so is dh as he can have a drink or 2 as his sample is first thing in the morning. love Becky

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Thu Sep 04, 2003 6:13 pm

becky have a great weekend. Hope the wedding is a success. Let us know how yr dh gets on wont you take care Cazx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:35 pm

Becky - just thought I'd bring this to teh top! Hows things?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 22, 2003 9:59 pm

Hi Guys Just wanted to add my bit. Apart from my husband and parents it is the first time I have talked about this and wanted to share my story and see if you can add any words of wisdom. I am 28 and had an lap and hysteroscopy and cervical dilation, thought that was the end of it as I was declared 100% fit for pregnancy.....until my husbands sperm test came back showing no sperm at all. It was done again - same results. We were devistated, it turns out it could be a congenital condition known as Sertoli Cell Only Syndrome where he has never produced any sperm. Saw a urologist/andrologist in Harley Street and after 3 months of no drinking they are going to biopsy him to see if they can find any immature sperm in the tissue to use through IVF/ICSI....although there is a blood test to come back first all... DNA stuff which will take a month if it shows some chromosome part missing or something then there is probably no point in anything. This is consuming every waking moment of our life, especially right now when we can do nothing for a month. If my husband has no sperm, we are definately going ahead with donor, if he has some sperm -it is ICSI. Can anyone tell me, ISCI seems to have a fairly low success rate. I don't want our money used up on a fruitless exercise.....is it worth givining it more than one or two trys? I am very wary at where these clinics draw the line between helping you and making money (I worked in pharmamceuticals for 7 years!) Let me know your thoughts. It has been good to find this message board as it kind of stops me going around in circles. PS How do I find out what the abbreviations mean? Kind Regards JenF [Edited by JenF on 22-Sep-03 15:00]

tanya · Post by **tanya** » Mon Sep 22, 2003 10:34 pm

Hi Jen, I thought i would reply to your message as i am going through the same thing at the moment. I was lucky enough to have icsi and it worked first time but when we went back to try for another they found dh had no sperm at all, we have an appt next tuesday to find out about a biopsy but the specialist has said not to hold high hopes, In our case dh had sperm not very many but they told us it would be fine with icsi they never mentioned this could happen or we would of frozen some sperm, they say he has primary testicular failure they don't know whats caused it and they don't seem to care because there not even looking for a cause all they can say is i'm sorry there is nothing we can do about it now it's too late. We have considered a donor but dh isn't thrilled about it and the more we think the harder it gets like Do we tell the child and also as most donors do it more than once there is probably a lot of children running around with the same father as he is anonymous how would we know that they don't grow up and marry there brother or sister. as i said i've been thinking to much and i am sick of people telling me kids aren't everything well i am lucky enough to have one and he is everything to me. I'll stop rambling now. Let me know how you go. All the best Tanya

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Wed Sep 24, 2003 6:58 pm

HI Tanya and Jen So sorry its taken so long to get back to you, works gone a bit mad Sounds like we are all in the same boat. AND whata shitty boat it is!! I am maybe slightly further down the line than you (i thnk?) simply cause I've know about my dh have no sperms for over a year now. All I can say is that its has occupied my mind pretty much non stop too and i have been thru EVERY emotion you can imagine. Bottom line for me is I cant imagine not ever having my own kids, and if we have to use DI then so be it ...I thnk! I think I am probably in the camp of not telling....maybe tell the child when they are old enough to understand and old enough to decide whether they WANT other people to know. IMagine if you went toally open , and when the child grew up he/she wished that it had been kept private. I cant help but thinking that being open about it , is more about taking the pressure of us than off the child. Dunno....thats todays thoughts but they chage all the time. My dh is I think OK with it, but theres a part of me that thinkhes just saying that to keep me happy. I def think he would rather we kept it quiet, he also reckons he would find it easier to bond if we werent forever making a big deal about the "donor". Jen - As for ICSI- no, the success rates are pretty good. c 20% I think. Sounds like you dh is gonna have what mine had which is TESE, its ok, he'll just feel a bit sore for a couple of days. We got 2 embies from TESE with ICSI - sadly no pg. We are gonna try again in JAnuary I think. Look in search engine under TESE - find the Cornell University website on TESE - theres study of success rates of TESE - you'll find it intersting I think. Take care all - do keep in touch! Hello Becky too if you are reading this thread still! Cazxx

SBROWN · Post by **SBROWN** » Wed Sep 24, 2003 8:39 pm

Hi Jen Just thought I would mention that our clinic in SOuthampton has a higher success rate for ICSI than standard IVF. They only need 1 healthy,motile sperm & inject it straight into egg, its your decision but if your consultant says ICSI is an option I would definitely say give it a couple of goes.. Good luck in your journey to motherhood & to everyone else on this thread Sarah xx

SBROWN · Post by **SBROWN** » Wed Sep 24, 2003 8:41 pm

Hi Jen Just thought I would mention that our clinic in SOuthampton has a higher success rate for ICSI than standard IVF. They only need 1 healthy,motile sperm & inject it straight into egg, its your decision but if your consultant says ICSI is an option I would definitely say give it a couple of goes.. Good luck in your journey to motherhood & to everyone else on this thread Sarah xx

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