Do you feel like everyone is getting pregnant except you?

IVFSwitzerland · Post by **IVFSwitzerland** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:52 am

Hi everyone
Im an "expat" living in Switzerland and as such am constantly surrounded by expats and find it difficult to meet locals by the very nature of the fact probably because I dont have children which makes it easier to meet people. All the expat wives are falling pregnant around me and although Im lucky enough to have secured a job over here most of the women at work are, you-ve guessed it pregnant or already with children. Apart from the obvious things about trying to meet those that dont have kids, joining a group activity not involving children and taking up passtimes that do not involve them and trying to find friends that are in the same boat as me, does anyone have any ideas about how I can cope with this? Of course Im happy for people when they fall pregnant but one by one my friends here become pregnant which makes me a bit sad and means of course that in time I will probably see less and less of them as we have less in common and their priorities change..... I have been to see a couunsellor of sorts but she says Im already strong and seem to have all th answers but Im still keen to hear from any of you out there in a similar situation and any advice you might have. I dont want to turn into some bitter person not happy for people as my boss did this and she never got pregnant even after 6 IVFs so I dont think me being negative helps. However I cant help feeling that if I lived in a more anonymous, less expat community life would be easier........any similar stories, help or advice gratefully received. Thanks

48Crash · Post by **48Crash** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:07 pm

IVFSwitzerland. Sorry I can't offer any advice or help but I DO know exactly what you mean. We started on the ICSI trail in August 05 with our first ICSI actually taking place in Feb last year. Ever since Aug 05, our friends and neighbours seem to have been multiplying like crazy!!

Even friends who were single are now married and have their first child!! There's even a colleague at work who is now 46 and got married last year. His wife gave birth to their first last October and they're expecting the second in August! I don't begrudge them having children but he's not even that bothered!!!

It really does seem as though time is leaving us behind. To make matters worse, it seems that whenever we turn on the TV there's programmes about babies or things like "Supernanny" where kids are playing up because they haven't been brought up properly (how frustrating is that?!?!?! It really irks me to see someone "wasting" the precious gift they have been given of having a child! GRRR!

)

So, don't worry about it - I think we all feel pretty much the same when it comes to other children. I haven't got a problem with friends having children (no, not at all!!!) but I do find it insensitive when all they do is talk about how little Billy did this yesterday and little Jemima is starting to crawl. Great! I'm really happy for you but please, don't expect me to do cartwheels because I'm actually very hurt and yes, a little bit jealous and feeling somewhat inadequate.

Chin up though . . . this is going to be our year! I wish you the best of luck!

Best Regards,

- Crash.

IVFSwitzerland · Post by **IVFSwitzerland** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 3:31 pm

Thanks for the support and Im sure there are so many people out there i the same boat as us. Good look for 2007 to us all

meg12 · Post by **meg12** » Sat Jan 06, 2007 4:28 am

Here's one for you----I have a "friend" who refuses to take bc because of "religous reasons". She has 5 kids. I was discussing our infertility with another of my friends at a party recently, when she came up and said "Wow, I wish I had your problem. Roger just looks at me and I get pregnant."
Yeppers--she actually said that to me!!!!!!!!!! I was speechless. Went into the bathroom and cried. People can really stink!

amanda-jane · Post by **amanda-jane** » Sat Jan 06, 2007 4:15 pm

hi i'm new to this also, but yes everyone seems to get pregnant so easily
i'm a nurse and often have to deal with patients coming in saying that they're pregnant, but don't want it and want a termination!! people seem to get pregnant so easily even after one night stands and yet we've been through two horrendous miscarriages have been trying for 18 months.. don't want to sound miserableand bitter myself because i am excited we will be starting icsi in march, but it is hard at times.
amanda

Lis · Post by **Lis** » Sat Jan 06, 2007 5:17 pm

Hi IVF Switzerland - know exactly what you mean - one by one my firends and colleagues are all getting preggers and I have to admit I am soo jealous most of the time! I have to say I try and hang out with friends without kids and limit the amount of time I send with the ones who have kids. Yes I feel bitter too at times but also don't want to feel like that. I think we just have to give in to the feelings and not be too hard on ourselves.

Meg like you, my boss who knows what we are going through has told me on 2 occasions that her husband just had to look at her to get pg!! URGHH

how annoying and insensitive are these people? This same boss of mine also proceeded to tell me about an ex member of staff of hers who went through 10 treatments of IUI (which is what I've had 5 BFN's of) that were all negative but then told me this person fell pg naturally - well that really make me feel a whole lot better (I don't think) considering we are using donor because my husband has zero sperm - what was the point in telling me that story? Its hardly likely to happen naturally for me when my dh has no sperm is it?

Like you I went home and cried.

48 crash yes I have a friend just like that too who, 2 weeks after dh had his negative sperm retrieval, gave birth to her first and proceeded to talk about nothing else for the next 6 months. I was so hurt that she couldn't have a bit more empathy and understanding for dh and I's situation.

Amanda Jane glad you're posting on other threads. I replied to you on your other thread xx

sassynlv · Post by **sassynlv** » Sat Jan 06, 2007 6:09 pm

ok, everybody ready for a bit of a rant??? IVFSwitzerland... i am not an expat, but i am very active in my church, and therefore SURROUNDED by preg women. so i TOTALLY get where you are coming from! as we have been married 13 yrs, it is very noticeable that something is up when we don't have kids yet...

I am sick not only of people getting preg all around me, but MULTIPLE times while we have been trying.

I am sick of fertiles telling me what i am doing wrong (i.e., stop trying for a while, go on vacation, etc) . WTF? They have no idea what they are talking about!

I am sick of fertiles telling me all the stories of people doing lots of infertility tmts then getting preg naturally (hearing you, Lis!). These may be true, but come on...

I am sick of fertiles telling me not to worry, that i will get preg eventually, or that i just need to keep doing more IVF (easy for them to say when they aren't shooting up 4 times a day, getting the dildocam 3x a wk, complications from retrievals, etc) it is their way to make THEMSELVES feel better so they don't have to deal w/the uncomfortable fact that i just may very well never get preg.

I am sick of pregnant women complaining to me of their aches.

Wow, i sound quite cynical, now don't i?

Thanks for letting me get this out... i am off to a mtg w/2 preggers. I work w/the adolescent girls in my church and 2 of the other 3 leaders are 5 months preg! AAAHHH!

amanda-jane · Post by **amanda-jane** » Sat Jan 06, 2007 6:41 pm

ranting and cynism totally ok
thought i was the only one feeling that way. keep having short bursts of optimism.. how many times have you done ivf in past 13 years then?? thats tough
also listened to dixie chicks new album one of the songs is about infertility and in an interview one of the girls said she wasb approached by a fan who asked if there were twins in her family after her treatment was successful, when she replied no that she'd had ivf this person said oh so you took the easy way out then!!! yea people can be so ignorant
amanda

cookholmes · Post by **cookholmes** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 9:58 am

IVFSwitzerland, I know how you feel. I am getting to the point now though, that I have come to terms with pregnant women. I smile and say to myself that at least I get a few more months of sound sleep

Of course I want to be up with a crying child, heck, give me 4. But I realize that it will happen when it is right for me. Maybe I am not able to have kids right now so I can tell people about being a little sensitive to those who cannot. Maybe I am having a hard time so I can truly appreciate the blessing that we will eventually have, whether it be IVF, natural or adopted.

Meg, people can really be insensitive, at times. Although it hurt, I am sure that that person is lacking something in her life (if even a brain) to understand that not everyone appreciates scarcasm, especaily when it comes to having kids.

NickiMark · Post by **NickiMark** » Sun Jan 07, 2007 10:55 am

For the last 6 yrs, I have felt that way!!!

It's hard when accidents happen, why cant we get preg!!!

It'll come!!!

All good things come to those that wait!!!!

FionaA · Post by **FionaA** » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:10 am

Oh yes, I understand where you all are coming from! Had a party
on New Years Eve to try to take my mind off the whole IVF thing.
I reckon that about 90% of the conversation revolved around
pregnant people and children. I had to take some time out by the
washing line to compose myself at one point! It can be very hard.
Can't believe that comment made to Meg! People can be such
idiots! I haven't told anyone about the IVF so have been spared
some of the moronic comments that you all have had to
put up with....Fee

PMApsy · Post by **PMApsy** » Mon Jan 08, 2007 11:01 pm

sassy Sorry, but I can't stop giggling inside little me... did you call it a DILDOCAM?

LOL and I looked for a proper term, oh GOSH you just gave it to me! I must tell that to the next doc who does an ultrasound with me... hehehe Jan 25th or 26th! "Is it the dildocam you're using inside me doctor?"

That being said, no, you don't sound bitter at all, and yes, I totally understand what you mean, just like the other lovely ladies who posted in this thread. Be careful, though, about putting people in fertile-infertile teams... for at the beginning of my process, my best support came from... fertile couples!

My best friend offered me to postpone her baby plans until I got pregnany just so she would not potentially stick a baby belly under my nose (I refused of course, but I was touched; she was actually serious! and her sweet DH was okay with that!). Other friends totally understood my loss, some of those with kids.

However....

I was barely recovering from surgery when an acquaintance, the gf of one of my DH's colleagues, asked me how I was doing and what were the results of the surgery. Told her my story, and that we were headed straight to IVF. And my tone was matching my emotions; grave. Get the hint, sweetie. Well... she told me, "I hope you realize just how lucky you are!"

Yup!

Turns out she and and her bf had been ttc for 9 months, without any results. They had been checked and had no reason to believe they have fertility issues. But she was enraged because she was still not pregnant and her doctor, because she's only 24, insisted that they had to wait at least 12 months before they did further investigations or tried other techniques (like giving her meds). She was envious of me because I knew exactly what was going on in my body and because I had a precise course of action to follow.

I can understand that. But she has not been declared infertile yet. Each month, when she tries to have that baby, she still gets to try FOR FREE! And PAIN FREE! And CLINIC FREE!

*sigh* I pity her... I think they're still unsuccessful... with all the new preggies among my DH's co-workers (no less than 4 this year), I would have known.

And the other one, ha, he was an IVF too! They tried 3 times, but had three BFNs. They are now the proud parents of a lovely Chinese girl. When I told him I was going to try IVF, his face just fell and became somber and sinister. He told me very bitterly, "You should go straight to adoption. IVF is such an emotional process..." Only after did he tell me they were both in their forties when they tried. Only after did he realize that I was only 27 and our situations could not possibly compare. Did he ever realize that I had the right to give it as many tries as possible before even thinking about adoption?

Yes, people are insensitive. People make comments, they don't think. However, you know... we, IVF-ers, probably are all insensitive to other people's problems, just because they're different than our own. Some people with terminal cancer could tell us that we have little to complain about compared to them. A wife with an abusive husband and three kids might still not understand what we're complaining about. I think it's just human to think that your problems are bigger than your neighbor's just because... well, you're the one having the problem!

My two cents... gotta run to my next client.

BIG BEAR HUGS TO YOU ALL! RAISE THE SHIT SHIELD LADIES, AND KEEP HOPING!

Sophie

meg12 · Post by **meg12** » Tue Jan 09, 2007 5:10 am

I gotta tell you, I love this thread! Yes, it's good to have PMA during this experience but it sure is nice to have one thread where we can just vent a little! So bring on the bitterness and the venting for a little bit here and we'll all feel a lot better for getting it off of our chests!!! Then we'll go back to the other threads and be nothing but positivity and light

sassynlv · Post by **sassynlv** » Tue Jan 09, 2007 7:59 am

meg: amen, sister!

nictor · Post by **nictor** » Tue Jan 09, 2007 9:56 am

Hi Ladies(and men!!!)

Do you mind if i butt in and share my story??

We started on the IVF rollercoaster on June 06 2005,had initial app then proceded with 1st attempt Nov 2005(after trying to save like mad) we had no concept of what was involved emotionally or financially,i was so niave at that point i took it for granted it would work 1st time,so i stupidly told my clinic to use my "spare embies" for their research,when i started bleeding i honestly thought my heart was breaking,we had both agreed 1 shot only!! The minute i wiped and saw the blood(sorry tmi)my initial thought was OMG its not worked,followed quickly by how could i get DP to change his mind..So after lots of tearshe agreed we'd try again,nobody knew we were doing IVF so when i told them the reason for my tears most were sympathetic..

April 2006,sawoursecond attempt,by this point we've no life as all our money is going to paying for tmt,i even took on an extra job to help meet the costs..This time im thinking 2nd time lucky,but to be on safe side we'll freeze any embies,to my horror we only had 5 embies and not all the best quality,but still im soooo sure this time it'll work...But no a BFN again,im practically lying on my dining table hysterical and my MUM walks in and says " u knew there was a chance of this not working,so please dont tell me I'VE to put up with you crying again for weeks"...My best friend of 19 years,then said "U cant keep doing thisand putting youself through this,forget about having his baby"she who has 3 kids and has had 2 terminations,1 of which i totallysupported her through..I though things couldnt get any worse..how wrong was I? My sis phoned me June 9th(wont forget the date!!!) and said im so sorry,so me never thinking what was coming next,said what for..Im Pregnant she said,it wasnt planned it was an ACCIDENT...

3rd time July 2006,we used our frosties and agin BFN,by this time im at my wits end ,we've no money and emotionally im spent..This was the time DP took it real bad and on top of my feelings i had to deal with the guilt i couldnt give him the baby we both longed for..

After 2 weeks of heartbreak,i told him to leave me and go find someone he could get pg naturally..At this point we decided right another fresh cycle,we've had no life for over a year,couldnt even afford a meal out,we're both working flat out to raise the money...Lo and behold something goes wrong at ER,but they eventually retrieve 5 eggs,so again that us devestated whats the chances of them all fertilizing,but we got 3 that did,2 got put back and only 1 to freeze,so if this doesnt work,whats the chances of 1 7cell embie defrosting and turning into a pg.At this point my sis in law tells me that they are pg..I cant take anymore!!!.After 11 days of feeling awful and i couldnt take the strees as i had all the symptoms of AF,against DPs wishes i took a HPT,and im pregnant..

Im now 9weeks 4 days and every day im pg is a blessing,every day the baby gets stronger,but this in itself bring a new set of worries,i just want past the 12 week maark and maybe i'll relax a bit more

Im sorry for the long post but i wanted to share with you,that having been through the worst year and a half of my life,theres now light at the end of the tunnel,so having been through what your all experiencing,my advice is if its possible emotionally and financially,keep on this bloody hard road,and pray you get there in the end..

Ifound these boards at my 2nd failure and you ladies are whats kept me sane,you all know what i was feeling having been ther yourselves,i couldnt have got through this without you all..

I hope whatever path you choose you'll all be parents one day..love nicola..xx
IM now 9 weeks and 4 days and every day is a blessing,except now we'v

Do you feel like everyone is getting pregnant except you?

Do you feel like everyone is getting pregnant except you?

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