Do you feel like everyone is getting pregnant except you?

[amanda-jane]

nicola
that last email has given me so much hope!
my partner has been found to have a lowsperm motility even though he already has a six yr old daugter. her mother's a control freak n because of different situations i've actually found it hard to bond with her at times. i know you ladies may think i'm selfish, but also because he's got a child we may have to pay for the treatment and we're both on fairly low. icomes, and i'm trying to come to terms with dh already having adaughter and having to pay for ivf. we've also had 2 complicated miscarriages.
being a nurse i regularly deal with pts who have got pregnant 'accidently'
sorry just having a moan but i feel guilty about being resentful about dh child...
mandy

[nictor]

Mandy,i know this thread was supposed to be where you could all vent,and im sorry for butting in,but through all my tmts,i always looked for success stories,it helped me believe it could work for us at any time..And if i've let just 1 person read this and think,after all they went through they got pg,so it could happen for us,i'll be happy..

I understand your point about money,each and every tmt killed us emotionally and financially,my partner is a self employed joiner,and i work in a shop,thats why i had to get a second job,but i can put my hand on my heart and tell you every single moment of heartache is worth it when you get that BFP,every single heartless coment just pails into significance when you think we'll soon have our own baby,and my DP said it was all the more sweeter for us cos we fought hard for it..

I can honestly say i wish you ALL get your dreams this year..

love nicola..xx

[PMApsy]

Hello nictor!

I read your story and I was touched a great deal. I think it is absolutely beautiful that you kept hoping and trying despite everything, and it's really wonderful that you gave people who are in your situation a lot of hope.

That being said, I thought I'd just comment on something you wrote that made me feel bad... and sadly, raised my anxiety level a little bit this afternoon. I'll quickly wave it away after I send this post, but I thought I'd tell you about it before I do.

You see... I've read about what you wrote on how naive you were to believe your first attempt would work. Though I totally sympathize with the bitter shock it is when it's your only shot (you think) and you've worked so hard to save the money, and you get a BFN.

But lots of women here became pregnant on their first attempt, an acquaintance of mind sure did, and she's in her forties, which makes it even more amazing. I don't think it's stupid or naive to think any attempt will work, whether it's your first or your sixth. That's what PMA is about. Your comment touched me a lot because I'm right in the middle of my very first attempt. And I do want it to be successful, I do believe in my chances, and reading you call yourself naive for having hope at your first attempt gets to me for that reason. Just think about how you would have felt if, back in those days, a woman with more experience in IVF than you had told you, "careful with those hopes sweetie, it's only your first attempt after all... don't be so naive!" I'm sure you understand.

I'm sure you did not write that with bad intentions sweetie. I sincerely wish you the best of lucks with your pregnancy, and a lot of patience to get to that first trimester milestone. And of course lots of tender and happy moments with your DH and your beautiful little baby.

Take care,

Sophie

[meg12]

In defense of Nictor- I wish I hadn't had so much PMA my first attempt, either. It's great to be filled with hope that this process will work, but at the same time it is just sooooo devastating that it didn't work the first time that it really rocks your world. Obviously, Sophie, I hope you don't find out what that is like.
I know that I'm going into this next attempt with a much more realistic look at it. My viewpoint is now not, "This is absolutely going to work this time." Instead it's more of a "I know this process works and I have faith that it will work for me eventually. However, I also know that sometimes it's a numbers game and that I might have to go through this a few times." That way, my world won't crumble on the chance that it doesn't work this time. Emotionally, I think that will put me at a better place all around for this cycle. Blind faith has it's problems, so it's best to have more realistic faith! Okay, enough of the rant!

Peace out

[amanda-jane]

i definitely believe when we get that +ve it'll all be worth it.
we still need a moan sometimes but lets keep hopin girls whether it's first vtime or not. xxx
mandy
ps i'm praying like mad first time'll work !!!

[Lis]

Nicola congrats on your BFP I nearly cried reading your story. When you said about having the shittiest 18 mths of your life .. I so relate to that .... I've now had 15mths of crap and know I'm in for the long haul ... and not looking forward to it... but yor stoty gives me hope and the courage to keep going that wee bit longer so thankyou for sharing xxx

Denise .. dildocam .. you had me in stitches !!! That's hilarious. Every time my legs are a kimbo and I'm trying to retain that dignified loom I'l think of that and have a gigle to myself

IVF Switzerland thankyou so much for starting this thread ! ... anyone else for a shot???

[sassynlv]

nictor:
thanks for sharing your story. It is a reminder that there is still hope! And... i totally concur. i feel in many ways it is like my own...now i just need my happy ending!!

PMA: i am sorry that you felt badly by what has been written. I get that it may have been hard for you to hear. I am hoping that you get a BFP this cycle! I would never wish this on anyone.

Meg: ooo... i totally get what you are talking about... how your world won't fall apart if it doesn't work this time, and how that has made things smoother. hearing you!!! Feeling the same way!

At our shot training group mtg, the main IVF coordinator actually told us that we shouldn't put ALL our hopes in the expectation that it would happen the first time, because for many, it doesn't. I completely disregarded what she said, and my BFN was devastating. I still HOPE i get preg, i just don't EXPECT it anymore. I feel like i have lost most of my idealism... my bf now calls me realistic.

I have no interest in squashing someone else's hopes. I WANT people to get preg... but if we can't honestly discuss (what i consider to be) valid feelings of those of us w/multiple failures, what are we doing here? I am lucky that i have a few friends in my life (all "fertiles") who are loving and supportive, but i come to the boards to have discussions with others that are experiencing the same things i am. This may be why forums have "veteran's boards"?

[sassynlv]

ooo, Lis, missed your post while i was writing my novel... i wanted to ask you... what is DI?, and am i right to read your sig that you are doing 3 more of them before doing IVF? Good luck!!!!

[meg12]

Sassy---Hope vs Expectation! That's a perfect way to phrase it. Thank you for reading my clear as mud ramblings and translating them into English!

And I hope I wasn't sounding snooty or like I was upset with anyone--this message board is so important to me that i wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings on it. I absolutely want BFPs for everyone and pray that we all make it through this journey in one piece!!

[PMApsy]

Hello meg,

*sigh* Aaaawww what have I done! Now I'm very preoccupied that you think I might be unrealistic with all this! I think I should really have shut my mouth on this one. One thing I'm proud of is my realism... That will serve me as a lesson!

Dear Meg, and dear sassy, I am VERY aware of the stats in my case. Procrea has its own success rates. I've been told 50% for the first attempt, 90% with three attempts in my personal case. And believe me, I did not forget these numbers. They're good, but not perfect. I feel that this first attempt is like flipping a coin. I just want to keep feeling lucky, that's all.

It's clearer now that what nictor was addressing, when calling herself naive, was probably the intensity in which she believed it would work, to the point she made a very serious decision concerning her embryos assuming that it would work. I get that.

I don't know... it's just that all the bitterness there was in it... it got to me. It's like someone telling you "I told you so!" after you get dumped, see what I mean? I just feel bad feeling optimistic about my first cycle after I read what she wrote there.

I find the "Oh, I KNOW it's gonna work for you this time, I just KNOW it!" posts silly and unrealistic, too... but I just thought people should be careful when reminding others they should always keep in mind that the method is not perfect and that there are no guarantees. I just found nictor, very unintentionally, did it the hard way, is all.

pffff... wish I hadn't posted that one. Aaaanyway.

[meg12]

Sophie--No hard feelings. As great as this message board is, there is still the problem of not talking face to face so misunderstandings will happen. No sweat, babes And since this is the board where we get to be negative and grumbly, I won't tell you how good I feel about your first try and how I have faith that things will work out

[PMApsy]

And since this is the board where we get to be negative and grumbly, I won't tell you how good I feel about your first try and how I have faith that things will work out

...sure meg, sure! be ironic!

Maybe a good slap is something I needed at this point. It really sucks; I was having a wonderful day, been all happy and giggly since started Lupron. Feeling crappy and having to face my only pregnant client right now, in addition, but I guess everything will just fall into place as it always does.

Thanks for the cold shower. I mean it... maybe cheering everybody up since I joined impacted on my realism. Sure got it all back now.

[FionaA]

Hey Ladies

I just wanted to say that I really appreciated Nictor's story. I didn't
realise how hard that BFN would be (and I thought that I was not
being overly opptimistic at the time that IVF would work). I had a counselling appointment prior to the BFN and was told to try to be "neutral" during the 2WW Obviously easier said than done - I got carried away and was even imagining scenarios like getting the
phone call with the good news etc...

Reality is the odds are good for the first go but even better after a few.

After the BFN I found that I, for the first time, got scared that IVF
would not work for me. That's the thing that stresses me out now and that's why I love hearing stories like Nictors....Fee

[sassynlv]

PMA:
We are all in different places and got here on different roads. I don't regret being very optimistic my first cycle... why wouldn't i be? I think you should be feeling VERY positive about a BFP for yourself this time. Just because #1 didn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't for you... there are MANY cases here in which it does. I in no way meant to imply that YOU should change how you are viewing your cycle.

I think it is probably true that some of us who have been around the "IVF block" a few times may be a little rough around the edges, and a bit jaded for those just starting out. I get that. I just reserve the right to where i am emotionally right now, that's all. I don't feel as giddy about this cycle as i did before. I just don't. That doesn't mean i have jinxed this cycle, or that i am a pessimist (or that you shouldn't feel + about yours)... i think it makes me honest with myself... and human. I hope there are no hard feelings... we are just in different places. I am here to be supportive of you, and i am TRULY hoping you never have to IVF again!!!

[PMApsy]

Hello sassy,

whew... thanks for making it better. What you wrote there is exactly what I needed to read (you not regretting to be optimistic). And I'm glad I went against my DH's advice and came here again (told him about my mood being low after the last few posts here and he told me maybe I should be less involved with this forum). Your post made me feel much better before going to sleep.

As I told DH, it's hard finding the best possible attitude under the circumstances. Some will tell you that PMA is vital and you must believe... and then others, like some here in the last posts, insist that one must remain realistic. Of course there's a way to do both, but one does a lot of trips between the two before finding the right zone.

And while doing that trip, it's natural to look at others around you who are in the same situation and try to be wise and figure out the best course of action. Hence my presence here, in part. I've always kept in mind that everybody's case is different; I sure won't benefit from the experience of an ICSI person who's in her forties the same way I would from a first timer IVF in her twenties with tubal damage. Because of the major differences, I'll be cautious before I apply this to me.

Somehow, however, the 1st vs 2nd vs 3rd attempt experience the people here were talking about seemed a little more universal, and I let it touch me more than I should have.

Of course, you are right in thinking that you have every right to be where you're at emotionally right now. However, I'm glad you're aware of the "rough edges" and their possible impact on people who are not at the same point emotionally, IVF veteran or not.

So of course sassy, no hard feelings. And I hope nictor, meg, and you sassy, also don't have any for me. I'm sorry if I ruffled feathers with my reaction; I was just trying to express how certain comments made me feel while still trying to respect other people's feelings and egos.

And meg, I forgot to put a in my last post; I was actually teasing you happily when I said you were being ironic.

Take care ladies; I'm off to bed.

Till the next injection,

Sophie