IVF heartaches, fears and frustrations

[Angie65]

good to hear you are feeling better Sassy - see it ebbs and flows like I said! We will never stay down for long as all of us on here are too strong women to let all this crap beat us!

[jeck]

sassy, Your post touched me, it sounded like you were writing my thoughts that I had during IVF. I was so unhappy and felt like I was turning into someone I didn't like. I hated being so bitter about everyone else's pregnancy. Going down the adoption path, I have found me again and I am starting to like myself agaiin. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying jump on the adoption train and it will be all better. It is not for everyone. I am just saying that sometimes that we are so focused on what we want that we can't see the wonderful plan that God has for us. I was so like each of you and I even found out after my last miscarriage why I was miscarrying and that I can take a blood thinner and it could solve my problem. You would have thought that I would have jumped at the chance of doing another FET, I mean I know how to solve all my problems right?!?!? But we had already started down the adoption path and I had/have found my peace! I really thought I would never be happy or truely satisfied, but supriseingly I have!! I know that I have to do this first, I know where my frosties are and that they will be there when and if I am ready!!! I just know that God has a perfect plan for us and has perfect timing and a lot of times we lose sight of that! Believe me I was first in line on that one!!!

Good Luck Ladies and I pray that everything goes like you want!!!

A fellow IVFer Amanda posted this prayer once and I love it and I try to share it when I can...

Lord, Help me to KNOW that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block bwtween You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby--someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank you for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!!

lots of love and prayers!!!
Jessica

[sassynlv]

Jeck: thanks for your response, and for the prayer. i personally would love to adopt, and would do it straight away if this time fails.... but dh has no interest in adoption. So it is IVF or nothing for us. I believe that God has a plan for me, and that it includes my happiness. I am coming to terms with the idea that i may not have children.. and i think that struggle is part of why i have serious ups and downs right now. I do believe that even if i don't have children, i can have a fulfilling life, sometimes, though, the process to complete peace with that idea is pockmarked with times of doubt and frustration. Sounds like it is not unlike your journey to adoption. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, i found it very helpful for me.

One minor rant ladies... My inlaws are aware that we are IVF'ing. dh clued them in after my complication w/#2 ER. After cycle #3, one evening when we are picking them up, fil said "hey, how is the baby machine" (referring to me). I just laughed and said nothing (i have learned that with my ils, best to just smile and nod, smile and nod). MIL apparently found that to be very cute, so she also picked it up. My MIL called me this am and before saying “hello”, said “just had to call and see how the baby machine is doing”. I DO NOT like being called “the baby machine”. I know they are just trying to be supportive… but to me, it just underlines my failures. I am one hell of a “baby machine”… have never produced viable embryos, and have never been preg. Woohoo, quite the baby machine!!! . I know, i should just grow some cohones and say something... but i walk on egg shells a bit w/ils, so haven't gotten the guts up to say something polite. I know they aren't trying to hurt my feelings, but to me it feels like a punch in the gut everytime they say it. So, ladies, i guess i should just say something the next time i talk to MIL. That's probably what i will do... before she has a chance to call me "baby machine" again!

[FionaA]

Sass

I know what you mean about the MIL comments! I think people who don't know much about the IVF process assume that it's going to work and therefore they can say what they like because it will all have a happy ending...

My mum (who's an absolute sweetie) started referrring to my 17 eggs retrieved as her 17 grandchildren. Then as they days went by and they dropped down to four blasts and I think she started to realise that the science isn't perfect and there are still a lot of hurdles along the way.

Having said that she will still sometimes ask me if she should start knitting and if I want her to buy me a pram!

I'm not sure why, but I find it very stressful when people make assumptions that I'm going to get pregnant after IVF. I think it adds to the pressure..... so as far has being called a friggin "baby machine" I don't think I would cope!! Don't know how you can broach the subject with the MIL, as it's hard for people to understand the emotions involved with IVF...Fee

[meg12]

MILs are tough, huh? I know I walk on egg shells around mine, too. Honestly, though, sassy, I do think you should mention to her how you feel about that term. I bet she never even thought about how it would make you feel (though she should have, the insensitive cow!) I tell you what, I will never be a bad MIL. (Maybe that's why I haven't had kids, because God is taking pity on the future spouses?????

IVF is so hard for people. I know I get pissed, too, when people assume I'm going to be pregnant. Which is totally irrational because all I want in the world is to be pregnant (and be a size 2 while still being able to eat anything and have an endless supply of money without having to really work for it and right now a diet coke would be fab....) Still, you can't help your feelings. And you can't help the stupid things that people say, so what's a girl to do?

It's a catch-22 because I cringe when people say things like that to me and of course the only solution is to not talk about it. However, it's pretty much the main thing I want to talk about. So there you go!

[sassynlv]

Thanks girls... yeah, not quite sure what to do, but think i will have to say something before this continues longer and they say it during my upcoming 2ww... i may totally lose it on them, and that wouldn't be good. Probably better to say something beforehand. Best part, is that i know she would never say it knowing she was hurting me. I am blessed to have a MIL who cares... just needs a little direction, apparently . (all right, sometimes she is an insensitive cow... just trying to keep the peace in the family )

meg: if god were taking pity on the future spouses of your kids... i have some friends w/MILs that would have never had kids . btw, i don't think you are asking for much... now maybe the diet coke was a stretch, but the rest of it.... isn't everyone a size 2 and can eat whatever they want????

ahhh, and the whole expectation thing is hard. I, too, find it very difficult when people are ASSUMING i will get preg w/IVF. I WANT to get preg... but when people keep expecting it, and it doesn't happen... not only is it hard b/c of myself and dh, but i feel i am disappointing them. Then, when still no baby after mult tries, makes me feel like more of a failure. Fee, the pressure that must have been for you... watching her 17 grandchildren become 4. yeah, no pressure, but should i buy you a pram??? ahhhh, i think they have the best intentions, trying to be positive for us. I imagine they have no idea that what they are saying is actually making it worse. In general, i am glad that we have a support system in the "real" world who knows what we are doing... but they are all (except one friend of mine) fertile, and therefore they cannot really understand what this is like and why their comments are insensitive. so i just try to remember where their heart is, and it is easier for me to take.

Thanks, girls

[Macca8]

Hey girlies,

I loved reading each and everyones posts. I am traditionally a positive girl but like all of us, I really feel the pinch that childlessness provides.
I am so sick of doing IVF over and over again. Each time it offers a different problem and so many other comittments (normally family) get in the way. I am always putting my DH, his family, my family, our friends above how I feel or what I need all the time. I spent my life around insenstive people with no diplomacy or tact that always expect me to be a tough cookie and cope with the whole IVF thing. I truly am fed up of it.

Just as I started my IVF my FIL died just before xmas and during his illness of 12 months I have been running around doing errands for my inlaws like crazy. The thing is I am a great daughter in law, I'm not been cocky by saying that but I know I work very hard to keep my MIL happy which I don't think much does these days. She misses my FIL so much and is very sad but she seems to be taking it out on me and I am the one that does everything for her. She has no daughters only my DH and his 2 brothers that try their best but aren't that great with her. My FIL did everything for her and she is struggling now without him, as I am too but for different reasons. I adored him and everything he was. The most incredible man I have ever met. If my DH grows into half the man he was one day, then he will be very lucky. The sad fact is my DH is so sad at the moment I am going thru this IVF alone or at least I feel like I am.

Why is it we are all going through this hell to have a baby? I know we are good people. I wonder how does "God" allow so many be born into poverty and famine and among the wars and yet, here we all are begging for a chance to parent a much wanted child. I am a roman catholic and have always tried to believe but I am struggling these days...

Sorry girls for the downer post...feeling blue today..

Love Lisa XXX

[meg12]

Lisa--I'm feeling you, honey. I'm Catholic, too and the church's stand on IVF just infuriates me. Plus, the whole infertility thing really does make you question everything, especially faith. Hang in there! And feel free to complain anytime, that's what we're here for!

The whole MIL thing sounds like a hard place to be in. Isn't it frustrating the difference between men and women when it comes to our relationships with our parents? It always amazes me how little my DH really knows about his parents--even though they live in the same town as us and we see them quite often. He thinks his mom's birthday is in April, has no idea how old she'll be and has no idea when their wedding anniversary is. Its just shocking to me--and he's a good guy, so it's not like this in the norm for him!

Anyway, I hope that things start to look up for you. As I said, drop by anytime for a rant session--that's why we're here (and as you might have seen in one of my previous posts, I love reading a good rant!!!!!!)

[sassynlv]

macca: I remember when your fil died and how close you felt to him, i am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are feeling underappreciated considering it sounds like you are the personal essentially taking care of her now. Sounds like you are getting the brunt of her frustration/anger/pain b/c you are the one around. I don't blame you. That must be a tough position to be in. We want to honor our inlaws, so i find it difficult sometimes to find good boundaries with them.
this process in general is cruel. You are a strong woman to do this over and over! But sounds like maybe you need people to be taking care of you now, considering all the IVF, and taking care of FIL and now MIL. You sound like you may be someone who is there for everyone else irregardless of what you had planned or how you feel. maybe you need a break!!!!! Maybe you need some "macca-time"! (ooo that has a nice ring to it, you have to admit!!)

Since this is the place i rant and cry most comfortably, thought i would clue you all in on my epiphany i had today... Girls, finally hit me today what is happening for me (yes, i am a bit slow ). Doing all those cycles back to back, i stuffed most of my emotions (as is my routine... i tend to be very stoic ), and it all emerged after my last fresh, once i had a break. So even though i had a much better response this cycle, i was still grieving my #1 BFN and #2 BFN, so wasn't able to enjoy the hope from #3 IVF. Now that i have had a chance to process and grieve, i am finding new-found hope and excitement for my upcoming FET (about time, it is in a wk!). Anyway, i still remain more jaded than on #1 IVF, but now can admit there MAY be a light at the end of the tunnel! ahhhhh!

[FionaA]

Macca, sounds like you are the rock of the family! There's always one person that ends up taking on most of the crap in the family. I agree it's definately time for some Macca time. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first.

On my last IVF (my first) my parents started behaving badly and their marriage was on the rocks ( a massive shock) I had to be the go-between for months and it was a major stressor. I made a new years resolution not to buy into it and let them sort themselves out because the stress just is not worth it.

I don't know what you can do because grief is so hard to handle but I hope that there is some way that you can make yourself a priority for once....

Sass, I get what your saying about the stoic thing. I know I fell apart after 1 BFN (but only my husband saw that - I put on a brave face for everyone else) I can't imagine the cumulative effect of 3 BFNs. Glad to hear you've weathered the storm and are looking forward to the FET!

Fee

[Macca8]

Fiona, Sass, Meg

Thanks girls for the support and your messages. I know I shouldn't moan as there are worse things that can happen in this world but I appreciate you listened to me and offered me your support.

Lets hope girlies we get our dream.

Lisa XX

[Macca8]

Fiona, Sass, Meg

Thanks girls for the support and your messages. I know I should moan as there are worse things that can happen in this world but I appreciate you listened to me and offered me your support.

Lets hope girlies we get our dream.

Lisa XX

[Macca8]

Fiona, Sass, Meg

Thanks girls for the support and your messages. I know I shouldn't moan as there are worse things that can happen in this world but I appreciate you listened to me and offered me your support.

Lets hope girlies we get our dream.

Lisa XX

[sassynlv]

macca: ooooo girl, i agree that there are worse things that happen to people... but i don't agree w/you that you shouldn't moan (sorry, double negative ). What you are feeling is totally valid. I am not for staying stuck in a bad place... but i also have found that moaning and venting when needed is very therapeutic and helps me move on with my life w/o dragging the baggage with me. That is exactly what this thread is for!!! I truly hope that you are able to find a way to not only take care of those you love, but also get your needs met. {{{hugs}}} And.... good luck this cycle!!!!!

[CarolynB]

Ladies

We so need this thread. Love the other threads but sometimes we have just to be able to rant. Especially those of us who have been in the wars. I also sometimes feel unfair to be too downbeat if there are people going through all this for the first time and so hoping that the 1st time will work for them. Have read the whole thread and can relate to just about every comment/emotion on here. I try to stay up most of the time but it can be so wearing. I also know that I have been through the wars as recognise most if not all of your names and am getting to the point where I have been cycle buds with a lot of you lovely ladies too.

So huns, here is my double rant:

- Male friend who knows we are having ivf tmt first sends me Xmas card announcing X, Y and BUMP. Have told some of you that already. That sent me hysterical for hours. Then we e-mailed each other yesterday and he announces that his wife is p***** off that their baby is kicking so hard. I would die to feel a baby kicking me. I know that we all would. Tells me it is due in May. Does not even ask how we are doing, what we are doing? Self centered or what.................

- Go out with friends last night for drinks. All have children already. They are being careful and quite sensitive until one announces that his wife may be pregnant - accident as his 2 girls are quite grown up - and what a nightmare it would be for them

Do these people have any idea at all what we are having to go through and how we feel? I think not. Quite tame compared to the tummy rubber that dear Vicky had to endure

Just writing it down seems to help get it off my chest because I know that you all understand.

Sassy - simply cannot believe that your MIL would call you that. It is just so inappropriate and unfair

Lisa - love the idea of you having some fab macca-time. Sounds like you are helping everyone else and need some TLC and support for yourself hun

Angie - looks like we'll being doing no 3 at about the same time?

Hugs to you all.
Love
Carolyn xxx