Sad Day

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:59 am

Dear Girls This is the post I never wanted to write and I apologise because it is probably going to be incredibly negative. Lots of you know that this was my sitxth attempt and now like all the others it is over and I am devastated. It had looked so good and eveything went so well, I kept positive until a few days ago but I just sort of knew then, it was n't going to be. I feel numb and so sad and even angry but I am not sure who I am angry at. All the other times there was always the hope that the next one would be the one. Something has changed inside me though and I just feel I can't do it anymore. I feel emotionally and physically drained and yet giving up is going to be so very hard too. We have spent so many years trying to be positive and keep on going I don't really know how I will replace all these emotions or how I will rebuild our lives. I feel very frightened. When I told DH and saw the tears in his eyes too, it just made me feel so awful. He is brilliant and I know he loves me to bits and I adore him but it just seems so unfair that we can't have this one thing that we long for. I want to sceam, why is this happening to us. We could keep on going, but it seems we have had every test under the sun and tried lots of new ideas but nothing works. The doctors don't have any more answers really. We could try pre implantaion testing but I don't really know if I want to go there. I know we must move on but I don't really know where to. To be a family is all I have ever wanted. I don't even have a career as such because I decided to work only part-time to help in all this. The next few days and weeks will be hard but we will get there. I will never regret having being through this process as I know we have certaily fought a brave battle. I have shed so many tears through all this and now I just long to be able to smile and laugh and enjoy life again, I really hope I can. Please girls don't be disheartened by our story. We all know this treatmeant works for lots and lots of people. It has been a great comfort to me to be able to share in many of your journeys over the past few months. I wish you all such alot of luck where ever you are in your cycles. My old buddies from February Traci and Becky you are in my thoughts. As is Alison I truly wish you all the luck in the world. Lots of you will be trying again over the next few months I am sure I will be keeping an eye on you all. I have started to post a bit on the life after ivf section and I think that will be a great help to me. I hope you don't mind that I have gone on and on a bit. With love from Gracexxxx

Traci · Post by **Traci** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 12:13 pm

I am crying buckets here, I wish I could jump down the line and give some support and a big cuddle. I do hope you can smile again you are a lovely person . sorry dont know what to say Im so devestated for you . {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}] Trace x

alice · Post by **alice** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 12:19 pm

Grace, I have been logging on looking for news and am so sorry that this is what I find. The next few days are going to be very hard and can only say that I will try to logon every day to talk if you wnat to. Take time to cry, you need to heal. Love alicexxxx

Lisa Ch · Post by **Lisa Ch** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 12:30 pm

Grace so sorry to read your post, I have been thinking about you over the weekend and hoping that everything was okay. I know what you mean about moving on and I think everybody reaches a stage where for whatever reason, it is time to stop all the tests and treatment. Take time to grieve, it will be hard but don't forget people are here to support you. Love and Hugs to you and dh Lisa x

alypraying · Post by **alypraying** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 1:13 pm

Grace I am so sorry, your grief is shared by us all. Take time out to address your feelings and make decisions. My heart goes out to you and your DH be strong together. Lots of love Aly x

GB · Post by GB » Sun Nov 02, 2003 1:49 pm

Dear Grace, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your news. I know that it seems like the world is falling apart right now and that you can't go on, but believe me, you can and you will. You just have to take some time to grieve and get over it all and then you can make rational decisions. Even though it takes all you have, please don't give up.....it'll happen for you eventually....take your time, but keep on plodding! Thinking of you and take care! Love Gila x-x-x

Lisa_P · Post by **Lisa_P** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 2:42 pm

Grace So sorry to read your post, Just wanted to add that my thougths are with you and you dh. SPend some quality time together and you'll know when you've made the right decision. Much love Lisa P x

fi · Post by fi » Sun Nov 02, 2003 3:46 pm

Grace and DH, The pain you are feeling today I know only too well, and I know that no matter what anyone says or does it cuts really deep and hurts so so much. Life is so so unfair that the only thing you want and have had such a long journey to try and achieve is seemingly still so far away. I hope that as the days go by that you both come to the decisions that you feel at ease with, we all know that this process demands so much of us physically and emotionally, and I hope that you can rebuild your strength, faith and life. Grace, we are all here for you, if you feel that you need to rant or cry or just chat, please take time out for each other and hang in there. big big hugs, wish we could reach out and hold your hand but sending you much love, take care of each other, fiona XXX

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 3:50 pm

Dear Grace, I was so sorry to read your post, like the others say, take time to grieve and spend lots of time with your DH and you will get through this Thinking of you, Lots of love, Kat xx

becky · Post by **becky** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 4:12 pm

Hello Grace I wish that I oould give you the biggest hug. I am no expert in this coming to the end stuff..but I started the ending process after black Monday ..March 24th..a day that a few of us will never forget. I have gone through every emotion ever felt..panic most of all. The pain doesn't go but the ability to deal with it does get so much better.I can understand why you feel scared - I think that it was one of the most scary things I went through..coming to terms..makes the thought of the pre nerve IVF thing ..ie..dealing with the thought of needles etc nothing! We ended up moving house and trying to enjoy life as much as possible..and the best thing I have found is to embrace as much as possible..i you can't have it then share it. We have spent time with friends that have new babies and shared a bottle of wine ..I have changed jobs from a part time office job to a full time nursery nurse - mad you may think..and to make it madder my new boss is pregnant with twins after icsi- but she is lovely and so supportive of my dh and my decision to go for adoption. I found it important to take time out and be happy in myself and my body - always going to pilates, bums legs and tums. I have also been keeping a journal to release some of the pressure. I have also found that since treatment I have had horrendous PMT..really emotional and heavy and painful periods..I put it down to resentment. I am thinking at the moment of having the op to get rid of all the girlie bits that I have let me down! I don't know where you are in the country but I am near to Gatwick if you fancy a coffee. chin up chicken and keep strong. Becky B

vickib · Post by **vickib** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 4:33 pm

Dear Grace. I was so sorry to read your thread today, I'm not very good with words but just wanted to say my heart goes out to you & your DH. Take some time to grieve, we are all here when you need us. Thinking of you Vicki

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 7:13 pm

Grace I have sent you an email as you sent me one - all my sentiments are in there and they are for you both from the bottom of our heart. I understand what grief is you know - I am not in your place as your weren't in mine but as you know you are always in my thoughts and have a place in my heart always - take my hand and I will try and guide you through the next few months to a place where you can be happy - none of us know where that place is yet Grace but we will help you find it. Love Tracey xxx

jen · Post by **jen** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 7:35 pm

Dear Grace I'm so sad to read your news and wish I could make all your pain go away. It's all so unfair, like the other girls I just want to give you such a big hug and have a good cry with you. I truly hope you both find happiness in the future. Best wishes Grace and lots of love Jen xx

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sun Nov 02, 2003 9:06 pm

Dear grace Words fail me. I am so sorry. I know that nothing I can say will make the pain go away for you at the moment. However, I do hope you find that it gets easier as the days go by and that you are able to find some form of temporary distraction until you are able to come to terms with the decision. As I've said before, we have all drunk from the cup of life rather than,as some do, just sipped the bubbles on top. I do hope that you will be able to sip the bubbles one day. I will keep in touch. all my love. your buddy, beckym xxxx

SQUEW · Post by **SQUEW** » Mon Nov 03, 2003 9:44 am

Dearest Grace I am so so sorry to read your post. Nothing I can say will make it seem any better or take away the pain. You have been through so much, life isnt fair. Take Care Love Sue xxxxx

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