2nd IVF attempt - need somone to talk to.

[wannababyIVF]

Hi Everyone,
My husband and I are going thru our second attempt at IVF. Our first was in December and it failed. I was an emotional wreck when I found out it didn't work. I'm all emotional now just thinking about "what if" it doesn't work this time. I'm trying to stay positive but at the same time I dont want to get my hopes up...just in case it doesn't work. I guess I feel it wont hurt so much if my hopes aren't up and it doesn't work. As I type, I see that I am lying to myself. lol I am so emotional right now. It's amazing how my hormones are a mess after a few days. I just started taking my shots again this past Friday and already I want to break down in tears. I really dont have anyone but my husband to talk to. SOmetimes I dont want to talk to him because I dont want to upset him. He's trying to be strong and positive for both of us. When I cry, he cries. So I try not to get emotional around him. I need one of us to be sane. lol Most of my close friends have children. They are trying to be sympathetic but...to be realistic, they can't relate. I also just found out a good friend of mine is expecting. It hurts so bad. You try to be happy for someone but it's difficult when you want what they have so bad. I know it's not the right thing to envy but it's hard. I know there are others out there that feel this way.

I have endo and fibroids. Is there anyone out there that has had a successful IVF pregnancy who has endo and fibroids. Is there anything we can do to increase our chances? Anything I can do to keep myself sane over the next few weeks while I wait for the next egg retrieval, insemination and then pregnancy test. It's difficult to function and concentrate on other things while going thru this. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to crack under the pressure.

[hopeful13]

Hello!

I saw your posting and my heart ached for you and I just had to write. I am only starting my first round of IVF but had severe endo removed about 6 months ago - and had polyps removed a few months ago. I can relate from the standpoint that my husband and I have been trying for 5 years now to get pregnant -and it is so painful to watch friends get pregnant - like it is nothing. Then to hear the constant "when are you 2 going to have kids" - is torture as I want to say "WE ARE TRYING YOU MORON!" people automatically think if you don't have kids - you don't want any. They have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and it hurts deeply.

Have you and your husband thought of adoption at all? My husband and I are in the process of adoption as well - and we just have resolved in our hearts that our hearts desire is to be parents ....... how that comes about we are leaving up to God. We have decided to try 2 rounds of IVF - and if neither time works........we are moving 100% forward with trying to adopt. I ache for a child - a family - if that means IVF works -great! If it means adoption - then our hearts have made peace with that.

I have read several things on-line where people have gone through at least a couple rounds of IVF before it worked. Try to relax.........and I know this is hard but try to enjoy this experience - my friend who just went through IVF - she journaled through it - so I've started doing the same.........it will be an experience I will forever remember......and hopefully someday be sharing with our child.

I should be better at taking my own advice as I do have the low times - I still am questioning if this will work as it seems I have failed as a woman at so many things........including being able to bear a child.
But I try to remember that the stress and anxiety is doing nothing to help my body. And that I have to remember to breathe through this.

I wish you the very best - please keep us updated.

[wannababyIVF]

Thank you for responding. Good Luck with your IVF! AS someone that has already been through it. Just relax and take it a day at a time. Enjoy the experience with your husband. Share with him, the needles (well dont stick him lol) but have him involved as much as possible. My husband gives me my needles because I can't inflict pain on myself. I'm a wuss at times. lol But it's nice to have him by myside thru it all.

I think that is such a great idea to write my experiences in a journal. It's not the same as talking to someone but I can put into writing my thoughts and feelings. It would probably relieve some of the stress and anxiety. There are days when I just want to break down and cry. Then I have my days when I am my happy and cheerful self. lol I feel like I'm bipolar. lol

I have thought about adoption. When I bring it up to my husband, he doesn't even want to talk about it. He says it's not time. he has faith that God will bless us with a child. We have only been trying about a year and a half. I haven't pushed adoption on him but I have thought about it. I'm praying that he will come to want to talk about it when it's comfortable for him. He has not given up hope that we will have a biological child of our own. I haven't either but I know I have to be realistic. I want to be a mother so bad. I have always wanted it. I know there are so many children out there that need love that we can provide. But I want to have the experience of carrying a baby. I want to feel the kicks, gain the weight, etc. lol So I just pray.

This forum is a wonderful outlet for people like me. It's nice to have someone to talk to that is going thru similar experiences. It's nice to be able to hear people's success stories and pray that it will also happen to me.

[sassynlv]

wannababy: Welcome to the board! First of all, i am sorry for the bfn you got in dec, and i am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. I, too, felt devastated after my 1st IVF was a failure. I personally don't have endo and fibroids, but many of the women here do. I can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote, as can many of the women on this board. This forum for me is a place to vent, get info, and most importantly, express all my fears and frustrations. As a result, dh bears less of the brunt! The women here are incredibly supportive. I agree, no matter how much they love us, friends and family that don't struggle w/IF won't be able to really understand us. ooooo, and the whole "jealous of women getting preg" thing, is a totally normal part of the process as far as i am concerned (especially just after a bfn, and/or when cycling!). So, i guess what i am saying, is that you have come to the right place. I am hoping that you will find this forum to be as lifesaving to you as it has been to me. To that end... please, please, please join one of the cycling threads. There you will have women cycling at the same time as you. I think there are 2 for you to choose from right now... one is on the general forum and is called "February has my heart...", and one is in this forum and is called "anyone starting an ivf cycle in january?".

Wishing you all the best (and if you ever need a chat and don't want it out on the board, feel free to pm me!). I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now, and i wish i could reach through and give you a hug from someone who really "gets it"! Good luck!

[wannababyIVF]

Thank you all for welcoming me. I'm sitting here at work with tears in my eyes from all the love. I am so happy that I have finally found a place to just be me. Some place where I don’t have to hide how I really feel about all I am going thru. Our families don’t even know we are going thru IVF..FOR THE SECOND time. It’s so frustrating not to be able to talk to people. We’d rather not talk to people about it in case it doesn’t work….again Everyone will know that we failed at that twice. (Not to mention…trying to conceive on our own and with help). It’s embarrassing. Okay, I have to get it together. I swear hormones are my enemy right now. lol

As I am Soooo new to this board, can someone please tell me where I can get a list of the acronyms? lol

Also, how do I join the cycling thread? I’m still working my way around in here. But I welcome all the help and advice. I am so relieved. I feel like a weight has been lifted because now I feel I have a place to belong.

[sassynlv]

wannababy: I will pm you a list of basic abbreviations. (there is also info under the general forum at the top). as for the cycling threads... I think i gave you bad info . go back to the main page (where it lists introductions, general forum, in vitro fertilization, etc). One thread is under general forum (february has my heart), and one is under in vitro fertilization (the one of women starting in Jan). Peruse them a bit, then introduce yourself to which ever one (or both!) you want. Good luck!

[hopeful13]

wannababy

Thank you! I actually just had my first baseline today which revealed a 2cm cyst on my right ovary - I'm only into my 4th day of Lupron - so not sure what this means? They took my blood to test my hormone levels and are supposed to be calling me later today with "what this means" for me. I HATE being in the dark or feeling like it.....she mentioned continuing me on the Lupron and continuing my ultrasounds and not starting me on my stim's next week (as planned) -

I wanted to talk w/you a minute about the whole idea of adoption. I am 35 - my hubby is 45........a year ago when we found out I definitely had endo. - and it was severe my husband told me that if I could not have kids then that is how it would be - that, that was the plan God had for us. He was DEAD SET against adopting and would barely discuss it w/me. I remember crying night after night and begging God to open his heart to the possibility (at this time we had not even discussed IVF either) I prayed faithfully every night for the last year - and then one day out of the blue he says to me "I'd think about going to an agency "just to talk" " So we did. And after he heard the stories of success and all the options you actually have (adopting internationally as well) he said "I know I could love any child as if it were our own.....let's do this" It was as if a huge weight was lifted off of me.
I think we decided then that adoption was for us.
But then, I started this new job and found out we got full coverage for 1 round (and almost a 2nd try) of IVF.....we then decided "ok, this is a door being opened for us......we have to go for it"

I think because I already had settled in myself that we were going to adopt - it has made it easier going into IVF as I feel like we have 2 wonderful potential things in front of us.

But I must admit that I would be ecstatic if it happens and if we can produce a child together - I think any woman would want that as a "first choice".

Hold onto your faith. I have "let go" - meaning I have let it go into God's hands and I trust whatever path he has planned for us will be wonderful & exciting and that my future is not in my hands to control. But remember that even though your husband is for this or not for that right now.....that he could have a change - just like my husband did. It can happen! I would have never believed it a year ago that he would be to where he is now.

Have faith wannababy........

hugz
hopeful

[wannababyIVF]

Hi hopeful: Thanks for the post! Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I think he doesn't want to talk about adoption now because he thinks that if we start to talk about it and pursue it...that I will give up on the thought of having our own. Which I never will. But I do see adoption as an option and I think he will too, one day. In his eyes, we have not been trying long enough. But I try to explain to him (and others) that it's not about how long you have been trying. It's about whether or not you have EVER been sucessful and we haven't as of yet. Some people get pregnant right away while others take a little longer. But there is nothing that says the longer you try the better your chances are. In reality I think (and I might be wrong), the longer you go without success the harder it is to conceive. I'm not getting any younger. I hear the stats all the time about age and pregnancy. Now there are cases of someone's mom, aunt, cousin or whatever that has been able to conceive naturally at 50 BUT.....that's not an everyday thing. Not taking anything away from their miracle.

I do think he would consider adoption if it came to that. He did just tell me the other day that he will support me no matter what I decide. He know how bad I want to be a mommy.

I know there are many children out there that need loving homes. I would even consider adoption if I do have a biological child.

I had a cyst before I started clomid. I remember I couldnt start my treatment until the cysts went away. It did on it's own. Yesterday was the last day of my BCP so my AF should be here in the next couple of days. Once it starts I have to go in to check for cysts also. I'm a little nervous. I just want everything to go well.

Last time, once I started the stimulating drugs, I had to go in everday for the u/s and blood test for the hormone levels. I was in the same boat as you. Having to wait to get that phone call later on in the day to see what your level is. Then running back to the doctor every other day to have a u/s and more blood test. Bad enough you have to prick yourself every night. Then you have to go to the doctor and have him prick you. I dont see how drug addicts do it. But I digress...

Thanks for all the well wishes. Same to you. I'll be sending baby dust and prayers to you. Please keep me posted on your progress. Also, let me know what if anything they decide to do about the cyst or the stims?

BTW, that is so wonderful about your ins covering IF 100%.

[hrobinson]

hopeful13-
I just read your post about having polyps removed. A year ago I went in to start the IVF and they said I had polyps and would need them removed. Since I was a teacher, and traveling, it wasn't going to work into my schedule. So, they told me to wait until this year to have the polyps removed and begin IVF.
Anyhow, I am now in the process of scheduling all the appointments for the removal of the polyps and everything that goes with it. Would you please explain what they didto remove your polyps? Right now they are saying I need to have a sonogram done to see if I still have the polyps (which they are 99.9% sure I still have them), then I need to do a polisecotmy, then a sonohystogram. Do you know the time frame for everything? I am wanting to start the lupron in May sometime, so I can start the IVF beginning of June.
I hate that this all has to be completely PLANNED!!! Nothing like spontinuity. (if that is even a word)