Pressing On

[hopeful13]

Hi everyone

I am new here - feeling very anxious and honestly afraid - excited to be here for support.
My husband and I have been married for 7yrs, 5 of which we have spent trying, testing, various surgeries (endo, polyps). Needless to say it has been a long road. I started a new job several months ago and found out that my insurance covers 1 round of IVF. We were thrilled. We had started w/an adoption agency as well - so just really hanging w/both right now. My Lupron shots start this Friday and I'm excited yet terrified at the same time.

Finding out I had Endo was hard enough - but when I had surgery to remove we found out I was at the worst stage you can have. It was difficult to think we could move on from that.

I have no idea what my true chances of getting pregnant are as I'm also 35 yrs old - but after everything we've been through my mind won't let me believe that this could work. I feel like I will be a failure once again as a woman if I can't get pregnant. Everything up to this point seems to have been wrong w/me. I know a lot of you will know what I'm saying or feeling when I say that. My husband says he is "amazed" by me & my strength and would never feel like I am letting "us" down if the IVF works -but it is hard watching women around me at work, friends, neighbors, become pregnant while I go on yet another year in hopes that it might happen for me.

Anyway - so very happy to be here and I am extremely excited to hear advice & things from those of you going through IVF.

I do have one question- one of the things they told us at our IVF class awhile back was no herbal tea? Yet they said we could have 2 caffeinated drinks a day....... I dont' get that? I haven't asked my nurse yet - but thought you guys might know?

Thanks for the ears everyone!

[Hollie]

Welcome Hopeful.
I am also newer here. I have to say that tears came to my eyes when reading your post. I guess I see a lot of myself in what you are saying and know the too familiar feelings of failure, envy & disappointment. Once in a while it gets to me, I have a good cry and then find the strength to keep going on. The PMA is the one thing that helps keep me going though.

I have severe tubal blockage and scar tissue from a 20 year old appendectomy. I just started my 2nd cycle of IVF. My 1st, in Dec., was cancelled due to cysts. Very dissapointing to not even get to finish a cycle. I started my Lupron last week, hopeful for ER on Feb 8th. Great that our cycles are close. Have to let me know how you're doing.

Interesting on the caffine thing. I heard that caffine was worse for you at this time than a couple of acholoic drinks. Maybe I'm mistaken. I did hear that herbal tea is out. Maybe someone else could clear this up for us??

Great to have you aboard!

[hopeful13]

Hi Hollie

Thank you so much for your post. It feels good to have someone say they "know exactly what you are feeling" - you can only go so far with your husband understanding - or even a best friend. My best friend hasn't asked me once about what all I'm feeling going through this....but then again she has 2 beautiful children and I'm not sure how much she can relate to any of this.

What gives me hope to hang on is a friend/co-worker of mine had Endo - had lots of problems as well .........she just had twins last month and she is beaming. It was a blessing to meet her as most people in my life have children. I find myself being jealous of so many things - at Christmas my husband's brother made a DVD movie for his wife of their 3 kids and it was set to music and basically went through their lives together and how the kids have grown, etc, etc. I adore my sister in law - but I had to get up and leave the room as tears just poured down my face. It felt unfair that they have 3 gorgeous children yet I can't even provide 1 to my husband. My husband means everything to me and sometimes I almost feel like my heart is ripping apart - where you have to hold your chest and gasp for breath.

Sometimes people just don't know ..... like my sister in law will say "I would roll over and would be pregnant" - she is the sweetest person I know.....and I know if she knew how much this pained me she'd NEVER say those things - but those words just cut into me and I almost begin to turn into a resentful person. And that is not who I am ..... and then I hurt for turning into this freaky obsessive jealous angry woman.

Please tell me more about the cyst issue? I have struggled w/cysts in the past and had an endometrial cyst that would not go away - until they did my laparoscopy about 6 months ago and were able to get it as well at that time. So I could do all this med and when time for retrieval if there is a cyst then they will stop? And then what? I thought Lupron was to help w/that ....? I must be completely confused.

I'm nervous but excited to start the lupron tomorrow night - it finally feels like it is happening and like we are getting close.
Since you have been through this before - did you get sick of the med's at all or have any side affects?


I wish you the very best and please stay in touch w/me as your are right -we are very close on track together.

[Hollie]

So are you getting ready to start your shots tomorrow?Are you a excited to be able to get going? Hope our Lupron shots go well. Just remember you don't have to inject it fast, the slower i do mine the better it feels.

I know what you mean about being family that already has beautiful kids. My sister inlaw has 3 gorgous children whom I adore. At times it is very difficult to be with them, especially x-mas. My sister inlaw is wonderful though, my best friend. She has helped me so much. I think that helps me enjoy being around the kids more. I did really struggle at x-mas when all my old friends came home to visit and there were 4-5 babies crawling around. I fought hard to hold back the tears. I find it doesn't really get to me when I'm around 1 babie, but several is just too much. Our best friends have a 1 yr. old and are over all the time. They've been great to be around. They know what we're going through and are very supportive and encouraging.

Well I'll quit venting about that. I have my 1st suppression check up tomorrow. My doctor doubled my dose of Lupron from my last cycle so hopefully everything is well.

[hopeful13]

Hollie

Yes! I start my first injections of Lupron tomorrow evening! So you are saying not to squeeze the medicine in to fast is best?

Also - did your dr double your Lupron to help with any potential cysts this next round? ?

Keep me updated - we could be "buddies" on this as we are so close. When might your possible retrieval be then if your body responds well this time.......First week of Feb?

I have faith it will work for you! Just let yourself totally relax - for example have you had a good massage lately! My dr told us that I should start having one once a week - and pointed his finger at my husband as he said it. HA HA HA

Me!

[Hollie]

SO tomorrow's your day. Yes, Don't push the med. in too fast. And yes, my dr. doubled the Lupron to counter the problem of the cysts. I guess we could have just prolonged the lupron last time, but there was miscommunication with the lab if i needed to or not. I live 5 hrs. away from my clinic, which is in Seattle Wa. It's kind of a pain, but they are suppose to be really good.
My estimated ER is Feb. 7th. and if it goes well ( which is what I keep telling myself), we'll have a bundle of joy in the fall.
I actually just scheduled a massage for next week. I think I'm kinda addicted to them.

Let me know how that 1st shot goes. My friend who is an RN told me to practice on an orange if I was really nervous. I forgot of coarse.

[Dexter]

Hi guys,
Just been reading your posts. I am fairly new here. I live in Sydney, Australia and I am due for my ER Feb 5th and ET Feb 7th, so I thought I'd drop a line to say hi and hopefully we can all keep in touch!

I am on my 4th day of GONAL injections and also on th SYNAREL suppressant nasal spray drug. I have a blood test MOnday and another on Wed as well as an untrasound. I have found the process to be pretty easy so far..Nothing has hurt and no side effects to report. I'm not looking forward to the 2ww though and hubby and I are looking into going away somewhere to take our minds off it!! If that is at all possible.

I have had a pretty miserable 2006, trying and trying unsuccessfully for a family. We got fed up in the end and decided to proceed with IVF. It's our first attempt. I have oodles of friends around me pregnant or giving birth and my best friend has just asked me to organize her baby shower!! It's tough at times. I feel so alone and let down. I'm writing a book about my experiences which is helping me to stay focused and try to see the lighter side. It helps me vent!

I wish you both luck and would love to stay in touch as we all go through this together.

Kind regards,
Dex

[hopeful13]

Wow Dex it is so nice to meet you - Australia? Sometimes when you feel alone and you become part of a forum and realize there are women all over the world having your same struggles - something about that really does give you comfort.

You are close to Hollie's ER & ET time then - I am hopefully about a week off from the both of you. I decided to say "hopefully" now instead of "for sure, or absolutely, etc, etc" it just gets me way to connected if I just let my heart dive into it - so I guess I do have my guard up some.

My first shot is tonight - I picked up all my meds last night and when I saw the needle size for the lupron I asked the pharmacist how far i had to stick in the needle - I'm sure he had a good laugh when he saw my face after he told me........ "all the way in"
AHHHHHHHHH

If I don't post by the end of the wkend - I will post Monday on how it went.

Can't wait to walk w/you guys through this! I'm so glad to have the support - as from what I read on-line about IVF - I'm scared out of my mind!!!

Me!

[Hollie]

Welcome Dex. Glad to see someone so close to my dates. Have to let me know how you're doing through all of it.
I just started my Stim meds tonight. Had a little trouble with the Menapur, but got it figured out. THe Follistim pen is awesome. I don't know why all the injections can't be like that. If you don't have the pen for Follistem, get one. Makes it so much easier. Do you have to mix your Menopur???? WHat a pain. Do you have to take these meds? I know that different clinics do things different. I'm a little anxious to find out the side effects of these stim meds. I know my doctor told me some, but I think I was a little overwhelmed at that point and can't remember.

Well good luck with everything, talk with you later.

Hollie

[Dexter]

Hi Hollie,
Yes we are close in dates, will make for an interesting chat over the 2ww to say the least!

I am on the SYNAREL nasal spray 2 x a day and the GONAL F stims. They are the pen needles and no bother at all. I haven't had any side effects and went for my 2nd blood test today and was told "all is coming along nicely", so scheduled my first ultrasound for Wed.

I think my HSG shot is the one you have to mix up but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

Do you go under general anaesthetic for your ER? I've read some people prefer sedation so they can actually watch their eggs being aspirated on the monitor - I'm not sure about that one!!!

Anyway, let me know how you get on. Here's hopin we get some decent sized follies and some nice ripe eggs

I've taken a bit of time out throughout this time, so I'm pretty bored and spendin a lot of time surfin these sites. I'm thinking of changing occupations...!!

Good luck Hollie,
Dex

[kswann]

Hi,
I just bumped into this discussion while looking over the 'new members' link. What a heartening exchange you are all sharing!! It is SUCH a relief to hear other IVF women who have struggled with TTC for so long talk about the challenges of family members with children, the resentment and jealousy, and the experience of turning into the woman you never wanted to be. Sometimes I think I am the worst me I could possibly be going through all this, and that my whole life has become muffled by the wet soggy blanket of infertility. I hate it. That said, I'm doing my damndest, as I'm sure you all are too, to keep my confidence, dignity and courage alive.

I am doing an FET transfer this month (Frozen Embryo Transfer), so I won't be joining you all with the meds and shots (that was all in October), but I will be transferring a number of embryos on Day Five, which will be around February 13th. This wil be our third transfer. Somehow all the shots on our fresh transfer seemed like they helped to provide a distraction for me from the transfer itself. I feel so naked going into a frozen transfer...I just show up five days after the HCG trigger shot and get the embryos popped in me. It's so anticlimactic -- wierd how it leaves me feeling so exposed and vulnerable.

Anyway...I'm so encouraged to see women going through this coming together on line. I hope you are all doing well out there...

Kswann

[Hollie]

How are you ladies doing???

Well I'm now on day 18 and received the final ok to go to my clinic (it's 5 hrs. away in Seattle WA) for the rest of my cycle. On my last cycle I had cyst and it was cancelled @ this point, so I'm excited to have gotten farther this time. I also made an appt. for accutpuncture, not sure on your thoughts on this?

Not sure if I already told you, but I fractured my foot last week on top of everything else. It's not too bad, just a real pain in my rear!

Hopeful- So how did the 1st shots go? I was so nervous my first time that I ended up poking myself twice. Anyway, it gets a lot easier as you go. Now the lupron shot doesn't bother me at all. The Menopur shot I take stings a little and is just a pain to get ready.

Dex- So have you started your HSG shot yet? Hope all is going well for you. I have decided to do the anaesthetia for the ER, I don't have any bad side effects and I think I might be too nervous to actually watch everything.

Kswann- Welcome honey! I'm very interested to hear how your FET goes. DH and I are going to freeze the leftover good embies for our next try. One of the things that keeps me going is knowing that if we get good embies and freeze them the next time isn't as difficult. I do see what you're saying how it might be anticlimatic (good word by the way).

Well hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

[Dexter]

Hi ladies,

Hollie, yes had my HCG shot tonight. What a disaster. Hubbie came home especially to give it to me (I don't trust myself) and I had 2 bottles of the Pregnyl and 1 x solvent. Followed the instructions but had to break the top of the glass bottle first to draw up the liquid, and DH not realizing it was glass, snapped it off with his fingers and glass shattered everywhere and sliced 2 big cuts into his thumb. I felt my heart my sink. Poor hubbie didn't care about the fact he was pissing blood everywhere. More concerned that we wouldn't waste the precious liquid, bless him. Had to put the half broken bottle down, and bandage his finger. He had to be back at work within 20 minutes and is a piano player, so god knows how he is getting on.

Cut a long story short, managed to salvage the drug and mixed them all together with the pregnyl but then I became concerned that there was shards of glass in the drawing up needle....!!!!!! Tried to call the clinic but being a Sat night, no answer anywhere and no emergency contact. After close examination, we decided to proceed and DH reassured me that the needle point was so fine that no glass could possibly pass thru it with the liquid. What does one do? It all amounted to this one injection. ER is 8am Mon morning!! Anyways, had the injection and all fine so far.

Picking DH up from work in an hour so might have to stop off at the hospital for a stitch if the bleeding hasn't stopped. WORD OF WARNING LADIES... Watch those glass vials. It says to snap off the end, but hey if they've been kept in the fridge, it aint that easy. Phew, what a night..

I'll post again Mon night after ER.

Sending luv,

Dex

[kswann]

Oh my goodness, what a night you had! So sorry for all that -- and that DH had to go back to work to play piano, poor guy! I'm sure the medication is now safely pumping through your system and hope that all your lovely eggs will come billowing out in time for your retrieval...

I tell you, my husband and I have more hilarious/disasterous stories coming out of this!! One month we showed up at the hospital to do an IUI and the Dr. (an earlier Dr. we saw whom I ended up hating) told us in the 11th hr. that we could not go ahead because DH did not have a test done. This was my MOST FERTILE month in four months (I hadn't been ovulating until this month) and DH had already produced his timely 'specimin'. We were FURIOUS!!! that no one told us in advance. Turns out DH gave me the IUI! in our OB-GYN's office down the hall! Technically, no nurse would have been able to do this, but our lovely nurse at ob's office gave us 'indirect' instructions and left the room. DH then went at it! Funny thing is, all this happened in the same office where eight months earlier I did a D&C to clear out a miscarriage. Same room where my husband passed out right after the procedure! God, the things we got throug together!

Anyway, hope you get to relax tonight (together) and that your husband's hand is healing well.

xo
kswan

[kswann]

Hi Hollie,

Thanks so much for the kind words. I can't believe you ahve to drive five hours to the clinic. That's a big ordeal. Will you be staying in Seattle for a number of days then?

Kswan