Ken Daniels Book - Building a Family with Donor Insemination

[Polly12]

Who has read it and what do you think?
Ive found it brilliant and very hard to access anything similar here in New Zealand..

Polly

[nicolamark]

Can u buy this online?? not heard of it in theUK xx

[Gargy]

Hi Nicola,

I've emailed you with Ken Daniel's email address. You can order the book directly from him.

Hi Polly,

The first couple of chapters were confirmation for me of things that I had already decided (eg to be open and honest about DI with my child).

Some things I found interesting to think about were:

1. That lesbian couples and single mothers don't feel the need to cover up how their children came into the world the way heterosexual couples do. This made me realise that I had to define my family as a little bit different to the norm.

2. I realised that my child will probably have a more significant knowledge of reproduction than most other children of the same age, and how to handle it.

The best part of the book was reading about the when and how people told their children. It made me make concrete plans that I will be telling my child from the moment they are conceived.

The worst part was really a byproduct - I was horrified that people go through this process and still end up being divorced! That had simply not entered my realm of thinking. It rattled me so much that one of the questions I had for both my DH and DSP was what would happen if DH and I divorced after having a DI child? We sorted it out, but it was uncomfortable to think about.

I suppose my only frustration is that it was a lot about what has happened in the past with DS and secrecy. I would really like to see something from someone that is coping with the new regime - ie using a known donor or at least a unknown donor with the realisation that they will have to be open so that the child can contact their DSP when they are 18. I feel sometimes that we are on a new frontier in that regard.

What were your thoughts??

[Polly12]

Hi Gargy, Sounds like you are getting through that book! I keep it permantly in my bedside drawer as my number 1 reference!
See my notes below in italics:

The first couple of chapters were confirmation for me of things that I had already decided (eg to be open and honest about DI with my child).

*Me too! Except this made me 100% sure as before i had been pretty sure just needed that added push.

Some things I found interesting to think about were:

1. That lesbian couples and single mothers don't feel the need to cover up how their children came into the world the way heterosexual couples do. This made me realise that I had to define my family as a little bit different to the norm.

*I know what you mean. I found their "Freedom" quite impressonable too. I have began to think of our situation as quite "Special" rather than different too, as when i stop at look at all the different families in today's world, i think i my mind the word special sits better with me. I was thinking this morning on the way to work, my hubby has 3 stepbrothers, 1 step sister and 1 1/2 sister, i have 3 full siblings - its quite amazing really how the dynamics in what i thought were "normal" families can be too!

2. I realised that my child will probably have a more significant knowledge of reproduction than most other children of the same age, and how to handle it.

*Absolutely - our kids will probably be more mature in this area and need to know a little more information a lot earlier on than other kids. I think with the brilliant book our clinic sells called "My Story" and some other books out there on the market we should get around this one ok. I guess its a case by case subject and you have to just face questions as kids aske them with age appropriate answers.

The best part of the book was reading about the when and how people told their children. It made me make concrete plans that I will be telling my child from the moment they are conceived.

*Totally agree. Im going to start right from the start too, surely must be so much easier. Ive got that firmly in my mind. I have written a journal - through out journey to give to our potential child/children about daddy not having any seeds and what we as parents have gone through to get our much wanted children. Its been great therapy for me as i have spoken to a friend of my MIL who had a donor baby 8 years ago and when i spoke to her and asked questions, she could hardly remember anything as it was part of her life she has been able to block out. Even though its painful at the moment, its part of my childrens story and i wanted to keep it so if they have questions, both us as parents and our children have it written down - plus if anything happened to us, its there for our childrens guardians to refer to.

The worst part was really a byproduct - I was horrified that people go through this process and still end up being divorced! That had simply not entered my realm of thinking. It rattled me so much that one of the questions I had for both my DH and DSP was what would happen if DH and I divorced after having a DI child? We sorted it out, but it was uncomfortable to think about.

*For us too! I guess going through this has made our marriage stronger, if ever i thought we might divorce it would have been before this particular struggle! That is the furtherest thing from my mind now, but still something to think of.

I suppose my only frustration is that it was a lot about what has happened in the past with DS and secrecy. I would really like to see something from someone that is coping with the new regime - ie using a known donor or at least a unknown donor with the realisation that they will have to be open so that the child can contact their DSP when they are 18. I feel sometimes that we are on a new frontier in that regard.

*We sure are, and if feel even more so in a smaller country and living in a small city where no one has ever talked about this in my life and im on the new frontier for my family and friends and even my community.

What were your thoughts??
* I loved all the honest extracts from people included in the book - they are just like you and I - they are just pouring their heart out to Ken and he has got it right there in black in white on the page and relate to it and think - hell yes, that is how it is! That is how i feel, how my husband feels, how my family feels - he has captured it so right. For me it was liberating to see my thoughts on paper from someone else.

Great post! Thanks[/i]

[Gargy]

Polly - I've already finished it I gave it to DH to read. He's getting through it slowly. I might read it again at a later stage once DH has finished.

I've found a new book, 'Swimming Upstream', which has been recommended on one of the other sites that I write on. I've ordered it today. I'll let you know whether it's good or not.

Regards

Gargy

[Polly12]

Hi there,
Good for you finishing it. Im reading through it for the second time.
I wish DH would read it! He does't do books, i read him out bits through, would be helpful if he would read it. Maybe one day.

Would love to hear about that other book.

Thanks