losing it big time

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 10:08 pm

Does anyone ever feel like they're losing the plot? I have had a really bad week at work and I am sure I should be able to cope with it normally and I think maybe it's because of the IVF that I am just not dealing with things the way I used to. My confidence is shot to pieces and I have gone home crying twice this week wondering if I should just leave and go and work somewhere less stressful. Problem is I earn good money and I don't think anywhere else would be as supportive of time off for tmt. My boss has been really good throughout all my tmts and says she values what I do, but I keep feeling like she's going to realise soon that I just can't do the job any more. My team made a really big f**k up this week because we just don't have the time or the people to check things properly, which is no excuse, but it happened, and also there is one girl who just seems to undermine everything I do and is trying to take over everything (she's the same level as me) and I know she is just trying to make her mark and is probably not doing it on purpose to upset me but that's what it feels like. She started being like this at the time I had to cancel my cycle in Feb because of DH's accident but I can't work out in my head if I would feel like this in my 'pre-IVF' life. I just can't seem to find to the person I used to be. Is this like delayed shock or something, I don't get why it's happening now when I thought I was doing OK. Someone please tell me I'm not going mad. Sorry to post such a miserable message but didn't know who else to talk to. DH doesn't really understand and just says I shouldn't work so hard and I'll make myself ill but he works for himself on his own and doesn't have these kind of things to deal with. Kat xx

vickib · Post by **vickib** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 10:43 pm

Dear Kat I really don’t think you have anything to worry about, this journey for parenthood we are on is the biggest rollercoaster we will ever ride. I said the exact same thing to my boss today "I feel like I’m losing it, since starting IVF I have cocked up so much work its unbelievable, I once was a fun loving girl now sometimes I don’t recognise myself”. My boss looked back at me and said “I think you are a human being who is reacting in a perfectly normal way for what you are going through, please don’t ever doubt yourself”. Sorry for rambling, what I am trying to say you are not losing it you are perfectly normal girl going through a hell of a difficult time. There is always going to cows like the girl at your work that jump on the back of people and ride on their misfortune. She is not worth any of your energy worrying about her, your boss knows who you are and your capabilities and obviously thinks very highly of you. The moral of my ramble words is there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. Hope the above helps you feel better baout yourself Best wishes Vicki xxxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 11:07 pm

Dear Kat Sorry you are having a rotten time at work. What you say about delayed shock rings bells with me. I think it all catches up with us sometimes. We think we are doing fine and then suddenly it all seems to come back and grab us. I think what you are feeling will ring true for most of us Kat. You have been through alot over the past few months and don't underestimate how much the whole thing affects us emotionally and physically too. I am glad you have written about how you feel and don't feel bad about it. I don't think I am making much sense as I have had a glass or two of the red stuff. Try and take it easy over the weekend with enjoy time with hubby. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the plot too, but we have n't we have just had to deal with alot. Anyway, am thinking of you. Take care. Lots of love Gracexxxxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 11:07 pm

Dear Kat Sorry you are having a rotten time at work. What you say about delayed shock rings bells with me. I think it all catches up with us sometimes. We think we are doing fine and then suddenly it all seems to come back and grab us. I think what you are feeling will ring true for most of us Kat. You have been through alot over the past few months and don't underestimate how much the whole thing affects us emotionally and physically too. I am glad you have written about how you feel and don't feel bad about it. I don't think I am making much sense as I have had a glass or two of the red stuff. Try and take it easy over the weekend with enjoy time with hubby. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the plot too, but we have n't we have just had to deal with alot. Anyway, am thinking of you. Take care. Lots of love Gracexxxxx

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 11:08 pm

Oviously have had much too much vino....sorry. Gracexxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Sat Nov 15, 2003 9:45 am

Kat - I so know where you are coming from. I too do a stressful "City" job, which I DEFINATELY havent been on top of for the past year. I dont know if its the IVF thing or just that I need a change in job anyway - but I have certainly let things slip - and its just a question of time before they "find me out". Funny thing is tho I dont care that much anymore. My priorities have changed so much since my failed IVF in summer. I so know what you mean tho about wondereding sometimes where the old you went.... I just had a bad internal review - and if that had happened a year ago I'd have been devasted, now I'm just strugging my shoulders and going - "well SOMETHING had to give". As Vicki's boss said to her , I think you are going thru feelings that just make you completely human (what a nice boss eh Vicki!) So pleased you wrote this chat tho - makes me feel less bad for doubting my career so much! I was saying to Lorraine the other day - one of teh major problem with IVF is how in just seesm to "infect" all areas of your life. Such a bummer. Seems like quite alot of people on this board have used the experience really positively tho to kind of reassess whats important in their lives - I think I will be at the end of this year Sorry to waffle! Cazxx

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Sat Nov 15, 2003 11:26 am

Hi Kat - please don't feel your not coping well. We need to deal with so much and its absolutely natural that sometimes it just gets on top of us - and not necessarily at the times we'd expect. Like you I do a busy and reasonably successful job, and my career has become very important to me - partly I think cos I know that if I can't have kids I need something else to throw my energies into. In many ways its a lifeline for me. I'm lucky in that generally enjoy what I do, and while I'm there can tend to immerse myself in what I'm doing. But sometimes it does get too much - in fact, only yesterday, I completely lost it with someone on the phone when generally that's not my style at all, and ended up phoning up to apologise for being so rude! I've also felt myself over-reacting occasionally to little criticisms, which normally I'd take with a pinch of salt, and have had to take myself off for a walk round the block. If its practical, why don't you see if you can take a day off some time soon, not necessarily to do anything in particular, but just to have a bit of you time, a mooch round the shops or whatever? I sometimes find the need to spend some time doing something that's not about trying to get PG, or work, or being useful, but just cos its what I fancy doing. With lots of love Alison x

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Sat Nov 15, 2003 4:36 pm

Thanks for all your replies, it's nice to know I'm not the only one and that I'm not going completely mad. Roll on 2004 that's what I say. Lots of love Kat xx

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sun Nov 16, 2003 5:54 am

Kat, I know exactly what you mean about totally losing confidence and that feeling that you are going to be found out. this happened to me about 2 months after our first failed ICSI cycle in March. I had just come back from holiday in mid-May and prior to that everything had gone swimmingly then suddenly it all went (or seemed to go) pear-shaped. really horrible challenges piled up, felt I couldn't cope, that they were going to sack me, in tears etc etc. it was truly an awful, awful time. I had to literally drag myself into work each day. I'm sure looking back now this was delayed grief of some kind as our first cycle was so traumatic. I decided after talking to dh that it was possibly also my body telling me that it wanted to concentrate on the IVF, so I resigned from work at the beginning of July (despite just having had a decent assessment, which just goes to show that in this state you can get a little paranoid, thinking that everyone thinks you are doing a lousy job, when in fact you are doing fine). I explained to them about the IVF and they were keen to come to some sort of arrangement re me working partly at home but I decided I really needed 6-8 months out to give this a good shot. I am very very lucky in that this approach seems to have worked for me. It will be a struggle financially but I think it was worth it. perhaps take some time out at Xmas to think how you want to play it. your boss sounds like a very understanding person and you may be able to come to some sort of compromise re working part-time or something, just for the time being or perhaps taking a sabattical. LOL beckym xxx

kathryn · Post by **kathryn** » Sun Nov 16, 2003 10:17 am

hi kat, I think its safe to say we ALL lose it! IVF certainly seems to take over your life, we cant get away from the families with children or the heavily pregnant women, and Im constantly dreaming I have a baby, but we cant find a car seat for it! there always something there to play on our feelings. have you got some time off coming up, maybe christmas time? you could certainly do with the break kat. If your feeling really low, your doctor could even sign you off , Im sure they would understand. Its good you were able to post, after all thats what the site is for. I definitely agree with the delayed shock, thats certainly gone for me too. sorry for the rambling kat, Im thinking of you, just wish i had a magic wand! lots of love kathryn x

Trixie · Post by **Trixie** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 9:53 am

Kat, this thread struck such a chord with me! I recognise everything that you say and have felt really similar things myself - so it is definitely not just you! Unfortunately, I am unable to add much to the good advice that the others have give you here as I feel as lost and confused as you too! I have just completed my first cycle of IVF/ICSI and 10 days into the 2ww AF arrived this weekend. I was gutted, but for some reason the worst thing was thinking about carrying on at work as normal, as if nothing had happened. All through my IVF cycle (and before) I have felt totally distracted at work. I feel as though I have been slipping behind and not concentrating properly - coasting really in what should be a pretty demanding job. My boss has been great, but he doesn't see me (or my work) day to day and I don't think he realises the extent to which I have let things slip. I also totally feel as though I am about to be found out and given my marching orders. Which wouldn't feel like such a bad thing in a way as I am really not enjoying work these days, but like you my job is well paid and so i need the job to pay for the ivf! argggh! I have been considering speaking to my boss and seeing if it would be possible to drop down into a less pressurised role for a while but this seems like a bit of a high risk strategy - I am not sure that there is such a thing as a less pressurised role here, and he might end up saying look you can either do your job or you can't, so if you can't, ship out! Everyone that I work with is quite ambitious and I think that if I tell him that I want to drop down a gear, it would be taken as a sign that I was not "committed" and that would in itself make things difficult for me. In my own mind, I know that the IVF thing is now my absolute priority, and I don't really care about work any more (but I need the money!) but obviously I can't tell my boss that (although I keep thinking it must be getting pretty obvious!) But I do think that it is good advice to see if there is anything that you can do to drop down a gear at work if at all possible (even if it's advice that I am not sure I can follow myself), or at least take the odd day here and there to give yourself a breather. When you are going through all the IVF stuff it is extremely stressful and it is not surprising really that something has to give. The only thing that I would add is that as everyone's posts on this thread shows, you are definitely completely normal (they have certainly reassured me anyway)! I hope that this week is a better week for you. Chin up and lots of hugs. Trix xxx

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 4:32 pm

Kat Good on you for telling us exactly how you are feeling. I bet most of us that read this post thought 'I can relate to that'. It does feel like IVF takes over your life and you feel that it changes you in some way. Sometimes this is positive as it makes you realise what is important in life and although we all need money our jobs do feel not so important anymore as the one thing we want is a little bit out of reach at the moment. Remember we are all here for each other, thank God, otherwise I think I would have lost it even more if I hadn't had this website!!! Keep your chin up and don't let the b's get you down. Lisa(Loonpants) xx

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 11:00 am

Hi Kat and all the others who feel the same. I had to reply to your post when I saw it, even though I'm a bit late in doing so. I feel exactly the same. I have worked for my company for 18 years next year, a really stressful job that at times even B4 we started ttc had pushed me to the brink - I feel I've been over-worked at times with a workload no-one other than superwoman could manage which has left me with lots of feelings of inadequacy. However SINCE I realised we couldnt have a baby naturally it turned me upside down - nobody knows what stress I've suffered but still having to put in 10 hour days and lots of responsibility - just TOO MUCH!!! I have cocked up on many occasions in the last few years and have been unable to tell anyone here just how bad I was feeling - the fact that you cant do your job properly either just adds to the feelings of guilt. It was such a comfort to hear that lots of you are the same! You think you're the only one, that everyone else can cope. I am now 23 weeks pg (3rd ICSI) and am finding it hard to feel enthusiastic about my job but I think its only natural. I have already decided not to come back here (dreading leaving cos I know I'll cry buckets, I've grown up in this Company and will really miss my boss who has always supported me brilliantly and is just a rare and lovely man). I think I will stay at home at least for a couple of years with our baby (always thought in the past that I'd be RUSHING back to work, worried about what I'd missed but now I just dont care and can't wait to let it all drift away and be a housewife!) So Kat - dont worry about work. It is not the most important thing to you any more - there's nothing wrong in that, it's natural, just accept it. I would also think about a change of job - definately, cos IVF or not, it just isn't worth your health suffering. Lots of Love - Jo. XXXXXX

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Wed Nov 19, 2003 9:21 pm

I'm so glad I posted that message, thanks to you all for replying, you have all made me realise I am not the only one who feels like this. I have just done another 12 hour day at work and am beginning to feel as though I should just set up a bed under my desk but I know it will only be for a few more weeks and then it will slow down again and then I'll have time to think. Trixie, I know what you mean about being seen as less committed if you asked to be in a less pressurised role but I think a lot of it is me pressurising myself into doing more than anyone else, maybe to prove to my boss that the IVF has not affected me (yeah right). Perhaps I've just taken it a bit too far this time! Anyway, after the next few weeks of mega stress I'll be able to have a bit of a rest so I'll see what I feel then - new year, new start maybe... Lots of love to all Kat xx

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