what do u say when..

cath · Post by **cath** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 10:18 pm

people keep asking you if you've got kids / when are you going to have them? i find myself making excuses like i'm not ready yet or maybe in the future. i just can't say to people that i can't have them or say i've had ivf, i'm not sure whether it's because i don't want sympathy or if it'll make people feel bad for asking. how do you ladies answer these questions?

phil · Post by **phil** » Mon Nov 17, 2003 10:57 pm

cath, i find it a really difficult situation and then to see the pain on my hubbies face... too much to deal with. we deal with it by answering with a very straightforward "no we don't have children" or if asked if we're planning to then we just say "we'll see" and change the subject. i never discuss ivf with anyone except two very close friends and two ivf support sites. i don't know if its the best way but its how we handle it up to now ( i got a positive result today). this isn't meant to sound selfish and i just hope that we haven't made people feel uncomfortable with how we handle it, but i needed to deal with our own pain first. phil x

Alison · Post by **Alison** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 9:18 am

Phil - congratulations! Cath - I think this is a really difficult one. Unlike Phil, over time we've told all our good friends and family about our situation, so it only tends to happen now with people I don't know well. I tell people I haven't got kids, and if they ask whether we plan to have them I tend to say something along the lines of that you can't necessarily control these things so who knows. Generally this works, although one or two people have continued with some pretty insensitive comments. I have once or twice been tempted to say, "well actually we've had X unsuccessful attempts at fertility tmt and its quite likely we won't be able to have kids at all", but never quite had the bottle! Alison

alypraying · Post by **alypraying** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:11 am

Hi Cath Well this is a tricky one, never really know what to say, Sometimes it's just 'we are not ready yet' and other times I just say maybe next year, I guess it's whatever you feel comfortable with. Like Alison over the years most of my family and close friends know the situation but I have also had encounters with people who just don't understand. Take care Love Aly

Loonpants · Post by **Loonpants** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 4:20 pm

Cath I also find this a difficult one. I think it gets harder the older we get or the longer we are married as people think we are being selfish. I usually just say 'not yet' and hope they just shut up and I don't have to elaborate. I also hate telling people the ins and outs as I usually get pity and because I also had a natural pregnancy but miscarried after two failed IVF's people say 'well at least you can get pregnant and it will happen again' but there are no guarantees. Sorry this is starting to turn into a waffle. I just want you to know that you are not on your own and if anyone understands it's us on here. Lisa(Loonpants)

bertie · Post by **bertie** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 2:36 pm

Cath We only told close friends and family about our IVF. What hurt most was when people asked about the IVF to be nosey and not out of concern(if that makes sense.) We also found that on our 1st go people asked a lot of questions and then when we had our 2nd go that no-one dared ask anything. The trouble was that as our 1st failed we really needed people for our 2nd go - luckily I had you lot. When other people asked if we were having kids we just used to say 'we'll have to see if we're lucky enough.' Luck finally did shine and we are now 17wk & 3 days pg. Good luck & like Lisa says - you're not on your own. It is hard to know what to say. Bertie xx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 5:15 pm

Hi cath I tend to go down the route of "oo no we arent ready yet"...but inside I'm thinking...."its none of your f***ing business!" After what we have been thru I find I am ALOT more sensitive about what I ask people about THEIR private lives - unforetunately it doesnt always work the same way The other tricky one is when blokes in the pub start making "gags" about shooting blanks or being a "jaffa" - I always feel so awful for my dh then and CANT BELIEVE how insensitive people are. Still who knows maybe I would have been laughing along with those jokes too if we were "normal"! Funny tho how girls never make the same sort of jokes - must be a male thing????

Helen Reid · Post by **Helen Reid** » Fri Nov 21, 2003 10:24 pm

Cath. People think because i married young that i must of had been pg and thats why. I just say "not yet" or "too young" or if desperate "have not been blessed yet".But I told many of my family and friends when i found out that i would have ivf and when i first fell pg,but after my first mc in a way i wish i had kept it quiet,some of my aunties can be rather forward and kept phoning my mum which was not fair and two years later they keep wanting updates but are told nothing. I told my work as well because i had to take it easy (i had a heavy job).When i gave it up and worked part time on of my x-employees also got a job there and told someone about me and i found that very upsetting as every body found out. I found out that my boss went into the hospital to get sterilised but she didn't tell me because of my situation and that upsets me too. I only tell people if i think i can trust them but it is the pity i can not take. I hope this helps, but everyone is different. Now i feel like i am burdening people with it so only tell our very close family and friends. sorry went on a bit Helen [Edited by Helen Reid on 21-Nov-03 14:27]

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