Who are you telling????

[MamaCardenas]

When my husband and I first started going through treatment for infertility we were kinda embarrassed about it and decided not to tell anyone, right away the Dr's found the problem and told us it was male factor infertility and that Invitro was our only option, at that point my Husband didn't really want anyone to know he felt like it was his fault and he was really hard on himself, he felt like he wasn't a man if he was shooting blanks, of course I reassured him over and over that it's ok , it's nothing he did, it's just the way it was and we would deal with it together, no matter what he was the only person I wanted to have a child with so if it didn't work we would adopt, anyway now here we actually going through the IVF process which I thought we would never actually be doing this! So this whole time we have kept it a secret well of course my parents and my sis who is also my Best friend, and his parents, that's the only people who know what we are going through, now we have friends all over getting pregnant, and it's kinda hard having all these people that have no idea what were going through , but at the same time part of us thinks we should keep it private, so what did everyone else do??? Do you tell or keep it to yourself, my sister also had a friend who went through this and said she told everyone and found it to be a great support system! Please help!

[cheekskuss]

well the only person i told is my sister and that is it. and now my dad knows from being noisy and at times people can be cruel when they are joking i have a freind at my job and her fiance now has 2 kids they are twins from ivf from a previous marriage and she calls the kids i forgot exactly what it was but i know somthing about lab experiment and she says it to him with no disregard. so sometime it is better to find a support system from people who are going threw it. and u wont worry about hearing things like that

[bnb]

personally, i think the fewer people who know the better.

even well intentioned people can be clueless and say stupid things.

and it's funny, once people know, i don't like it when they ask me for the latest bulletin. that actually REALLY annoys me. if i feel like talking then i will. what part of that do they not understand?

but i'm a very private person, so maybe i'm not the best person to give advice on the subject.

[positive_thinking]

I have a big mouth. Everyone I knew, knew. They knew every single detail, probably even the ones they didn't want to know.

[L & C]

I'm glad to hear how you were so supportive of your husband. I know how he feels, as I'm the one standing in the way of us having a baby. My husband is supportive too, but still..... I do feel like a failure.

We only told my sister during our IVF, which we regretted since she told several other people. If we wanted them to know, we'd have told them ourselves. So next time, sis will be clueless. Plus I told my immediate boss since I had to miss work. Next time, we won't tell anyone.... it was hard facing ppl after having a failure.

[hrobinson]

I told my parents and my immediate family. My parents then proceeded to tell a few of my aunts and uncles. This really made me mad because they didn't ask if I cared. However, I have a family full of prayer warriors, and they explained that this was the reason they told them. When I looked at it that way I was almost glad. None of my aunts and uncles said anything, except that they were praying for me. Never got noisy, so that was nice.
Then at Christmas time, my sister wrote it in her Christmas letter to the world. There were certain people that I didn't want to know (Grandparents) yet shet felt it was her job to explain it to everyone. Needless to say this happened 3 years ago and we are still not speaking.
This next time, we will probably go into it the same way...telling immediate family (except my little sister) only.

[bnb]

hrobinson- omg, i would have KILLED her. where did she get the nerve? what did she say in the letter?

[MamaCardenas]

wow, thanks for all the feedback, I can't believe how family can be sometimes, what were going through is difficult enough people should understand that much! So I guess we should stick to keeping it a secret, I did tell my boss because of work reasons and now I'm regretting that because she's a friend to everyone in the office and I also have a friend in the office who doesn't know and now I feel like my boss might have told her! ok my lips are sealed!!!

[sassynlv]

I think this is a difficult question. We had been trying for so long, that i told both our families, and several of our friends that we were doing ivf. I was just very open about it. I didn't really imagine that it would fail like it did (no embryos for ET). Having then to call and tell people was TORTURE!!! So each cycle i have told fewer and fewer people. And those i have told, get less details. My scheduler at work knows... it really wouldn't work any other way. Our parents know we are cycling again, but don't know the details. A few of my friends have been fantastic... even though they have never had IF issues. I am VERY glad that i told them, as it is great to have a support system irl. So i whether or not to tell people depends on your own personality, and also on whether or not you believe the people you tell will really be able to support you in the way you need. Good luck!

[katt]

I've told to very many people and doing that I found out that so many people have problems in having children. After mentioning my IVF I got to know about people who have had m/c several times, problems with getting pregnant, dead births, etc - all those people have several children now. It really is a supporting system, but... if the problem were in dh, I wouldn't talk about it I guess. Talking about your own disabilities is something else than talking about your partner.

katt

[stacylas vegas]

I told my office staff as I wanted them to understand if I was curt or emotional because of the shots and such. Well, that and having to be out of the office or late because of the appointments.

[nimble]

I guess its down to the individual - unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve and told my closest friends and family - i was fortunate that I had the best support from them ever. My best friend came to the hospital with me for my final scan when they told me there was def no heart beat and it was easier to have her there than my mom (DH couldn't get out of a mtg at work) and then she stayed at home with me, just so that I wasn't alone.

My boss at work knew as I needed to ensure that I had the time off and she was really great and flexible with days off etc..... however didn't say much to my colleagues.

This time around though I am being a little more discreet and some people are guessing that I am on round 2 purely because I'm driving everywhere and sniffing the wine rather than drinking it Again have told my closest friends as think my DH finds it hard to deal with and is scared of going through the pain that we went through before so its nice to turn to others.

I guess it depends on how much you trust yr friends and family and whether you think that they can give you the support that you need.

nimble xx

[kholtan]

When we started out, we were telling close friends and family but it seems that it's hard to keep good news down!!! Suddenly, there are clients calling me up and people I barely know saying congrats. It wasn't exactly our plan but all the well wishes are so sweet and always bring a smile to my face.

Goes to show you that sometimes a plan can change!

[katew]

We are on our first ICSI, due to male factor and my DP has told everyone EVERYTHING! he has been completely open all the way along, at times I have found this really tough as I am generally more private. If our cycle ends in disappointment I will hate making the calls to let people know, however, on the flip side I get sick of people asking "so how come you two haven't got kids yet?" and actually quite like the regular calls I get from friends who don't want to know the details but just want me to know they are thinking of us..

Guess it just personal choice x

[kholtan]

katew~ Isn't it great when friends call and actually ask about us and not the IVF? They have the best intentions but there are days when I could use a break from IVF. At least on this forum we make all the choices and have way more control! Good luck to you!