Does anyone else feel like this?

[Molly B]

Gosh, here I am at 11pm at night typing my heart out on this discussion board. I am hoping that someone can relate to how I am feeling and may be able to give me some advice about how to feel better.
I am 36 and my DH and I have been on the infertility journey now for 4 years and after clomide, surgical investigations, iui and 3 unsuccessful attempts at IVF have decided that enough is enough. I just feel that I can't take anymore treatment but now can't reconcile that I will never have children. My DH is so supportive and accepts the decision that we have made together but I can't help feeling that I have let him down, especially as we had always planned to have kids and both come from largish families. What if we have made the wrong decision, should I just keep going with the treatments and try to grin and bear the associated indignity, and heartbreak that comes with each failure? What if I get 5 years down the track and regret not trying harder? or what will become of me when I am an old woman and all alone. What if my husband suddenly decides that having children is really a priority for him and he leaves me for someone with whom he can have kids? Are my questions justified or am I just being stupid and too oversensitive? Should I just be more stoic and try not to take it too seriously when the consultant tells me reassuringly at the start of each new cycle, that in nine months I will be holding my baby in my arms? I know he means well, but he isn't there each time the pregnancy test confirms that that is just not going to happen.
Of course, it seems to me that so many of my friends are currently having babies as well as my sister and sister-in-law. Although my husband and I have never really hidden the fact that we have been through infertility treatment, no one in my family ever talks to us about it or asks us how we are or even acknowledges it. While recently pregnant, one sister-in-law e-mailed photos of her pregnancy and ultrasound scans each week, while my sister, who has a ten month old constantly complains about how tired she is and how having a baby has changed her life. She recently told me she is trying for a second. It is emotionally exhausting pretending that you don't care. I recently I got upset and it was interpreted as jelousy. But it is not jelousy or bitterness or envy. I don't want their babies and I don't want their lives- I want mine. The only way I can describe what I am feeling is grief and an overwhelming sense of loss and I just can't seem to get over it. I don't want my life to be defined by my infertility and I want to move on, but there isn't a day when I don't ask myself all these questions and more. Are these feelings normal? Does anyone else feel the same? Please help.

[Desree]

Hi Molly,
I understand what you are going thru. Nothing is wrong to feel hurt and angry. Your entry reflects all of my thoughts and feelings
I am 36 years old and DH just turned 37. We have been trying for the last 12 years.
After I was diagnosed with severe ovarian failure last year, I went nuts...asked DH for a divorce.....he is saying it's all fine with him how things turned out. I have been planning for a family for so long now I don't know what to move on to.
I used to browse this website every night looking for advice in regards to achieving pregnancy; this is my first time back in months.
I was advised to go to a therapist, actually we were told to go, but DH does not want to go. He keeps saying he is fine. I have to go for my own sanity.

My OBGYN says it's like a death and we have to grieve for our loss.
Most people don't even see it like that and they don't allow us to go thru these emotions. Their lives are going on and ours came to a screeching halt. I don't answer the phone if I am having bad day.

I know everyone wants you to be happy for the pregnant people around you, but they don't normally expect a person who grieving to be in a state of joy right after a terrible tragedy, right?

Take care

[sassynlv]

Molly:
I am so sorry to read you are having such a hard time. i think these feelings are perfectly normal for your situation. It is so hard to decide when "enough is enough". I understand exactly what you have been talking about. Trying to decide how much more we can take... and also trying to accept what our lives will be like if we don't have children.

We are both 35 and have done 3 IVFs and it appears that we have probably not had any chromosomally viable embryos. We have decided to continue. But i have decided where my limit is, and i will go to that point, then try to find a way to move on with my life.

I posted a questionnaire-type thing that a woman got from her infertility counselor on a thread further down this forum called "How do we know when enough is enough". It talks about how this is a grieving process largely unacknowledged in the world. It has a list of questions to help you decide if you are ready to stop ART. I found it helpful for me, and i hope you do also. Wishing you all the best.

[Alette]

Dear Molly, I recognize all the feelings you are describing and it seems all very normal to me.
Yes, it is a loss, you have to let go of your dreams, your future, the way you planned your life.
I think it is a good thing to search for a therapist you can help you survive and in the end accept that you will stay without children.
About your husband, men do take it differently than women, that is a fact!
I surely understand your fear but I think you must decide for yourself!
No matter what your husband is going to do later in life, you must have peace for yourself. If you have any doubt then go on!

I have had 24 IUI, 5 IVF, 5? (I lost counting) Frozen Transfers, 1 MC and in the end, the very last minute turned out to be pregnant and now am a mum of a wonderful 16 month old boy.

I was the one who wanted to go on and on, my limit was 41 years of age, fortunately I was supported by my husband (who already has 2 children) who did not want to give up, who kept the spirit high, who supported me always in what decision I made.

You only can decide, you are the master of your life, you are the one responsible person for your future.

Lots of love,
Alette

[jill dickens]

Hi Molly,
I think we can all relate to how you are feeling and what a hard time you are going through. I know talking to other adoptive mothers ( I am now one) that some say they don't ever think of the loss of a BC now that they are actually being a Mum. I don't quite have that view, my baby is everything in the world to me but I know I will always carry the pain of not giving birth to her or any other child it is a hard fact that I have to live with but I have taken a different route to motherhood. I honestly could not love my baby any more if she were a BC there is no difference now she is here that's it we are a family. All I am trying to say is that if you put a full stop on treatment there are other ways to become a Mummy.
I wish you you every bit of luck with your decision as I have said here before if adoption becomes a passing thought do write to me or pm amd I will be happy to talk to you about it.
Take care and give yourself time,
Love Jill x

[keekee]

hi molly.
i know exactly how you feel too, i have had 9 attempts of ivf, the very first one we had 4 follies, 2 transfer then later 2 frozen transered, the cycles since have all been cancelled because my follicles wont grow, i get right up to the end then they pull that bloody rug out from under me.
i hear stories on here about people having had enough on 1 or 2 or 3 cycles, i feel for them, but try 9...
the month ( back in jan 04) we started trying, my sister said they were going to try too, two weeks later she was preg, i still went on, she has just had her second baby, she just says i think i will have another one, and bam,,i am happy for her but i cry because its not me. my best girlfriend too fell pregnant the same month we started, i was even asked to film the birth, how gutt wrenching was that for me too endure, i drove home that night, in awe at it all but again crying my heart out..
my DH has had enough of it but i dont want to give up this dream yet, i am ready to try and do anything...
my family dont entertain the isseu unless i bring it up, i feel they think i should just get over it, its not going to work.. but i wont, and i dont know how to get over it..
i am thinking of seeing a councilor also, i need that other person to talk it out with i think..i have blabbed on here to much, so please please, keep in touch, everything you feel is normal and just, we just need coping skills, and i am searching for them too,
best of luck to you
keekee

[Molly B]

To Desree, Sally, Alette, Jill and Keekee,
I just wanted to say thanks for all of you for your wonderfully supportive and encouraging messages. I have read and re-read them and they have all helped me feel better about this strange place that I am in at the moment.
It sounds cliched, but just knowing that my feelings are not unique makes all the difference. I am so pleased that some of you have fulfilled your dreams, even if the conventional route to motherhood has been unattainable, and sharing your experiences with me has really given me something to think about. To those who are still on the journey, I wish you all the very best. I will continue to visit this forum and hopefully I may be able to provide someone else the support that you've given me. Thanks again,
Molly B

[keekee]

[shanbeanie]

I think that this thread really hits home for alot of girls on this forum.
I just turned 33, DH just turned 35, we have been TTC for the last 10 yrs, and have been on the IVF journey for the last two years. Having just finished our 5th failed IVF attempt, I know all to well how you all are feeling. We have been told with each cycle that "everything looks great, and that embryo quality is phenominal" In fact, with each cycle, the embies have all made it to day 5 blast, and one was day 6!!!! How can anyone who has not gone through this rollercoaster of emotions possibly understand what it feels like to hear that once again, it a BFN!!!???
I am so tired of hearing that "God must have a different plan for us." I have even gone to my pastor and asked for him to pleasee explain how God can allow for people to concieve a child, and abandon it, or kill it, or simply just not take care of it properly, but not allow for myself and others to do so, when it is all we want???? He tells me that we will never know that answer, and though it may not be God's plan, but his will. still, none of this helps.................it is so hard to stay optimistic when you are faced with heartbreak after heartbreak, and ultimately NO ONE can really understand, unless they have gone thru it themselves. I have found this forum to be very helpful, if only to know that I am not alone.
We have two frozed embies, that we will transfer in August, then we will be at the end of our journey. So, God willing this will be "the one" I have gone this far, only because of the fear of "what if I quit now and the next time would've been the one?"
Best of luck to all, and I will keep all of you in my prayers..............baby dust to all.....................................

[kbat]

I know how everyone feels. I too have comteplated on how much is too much... I am a 40 year old women. My dh is also 40. We have been trying to get pregnant for abuot 5 years. After about a year and a half, we were able to get pregnant once naturally which ended in a m/c at about 8-9 weeks. So we figured something had to be working correctly.

But then when we couldn't get pregnant again we went to see a RE. Basically, we found out that one of my tubes was blocked. Nothing really was done about it right away, and we did 3 iui--all unsuccessful. We actually took a break b/c although we live in a state where the insurance is mandated to pay 80% for infertility treatments, we still couldn't afford to do it multiple times (about $1600 for each treatment). My husband's company changed their insurance plan and it's from a neighboring state that pretty much covers the actual IVF treatments at 100%--We have to pay our co-pay for some of the office visits, like the follow-up when it doesn't work or for the initial doctor's visit to discuss things. We did discover that I have endomet. We've had 3 IVF treatments all failed.

I have thought about not going on, but being 40 years old, I think this is my last "hoorah" for trying. And since the insurance will cover it, I am going to see if I can get approved for up to 3 more tries. I think that if I don't try it, I may regret it later down the line. This way, although I will be disappointed if it doesn't work, I know that I did everything possible to acheive this. It is an emotional rollercoaster, and I realize that some people can "let go" easier than I can. My dh is the type who said that while kids would be nice, he doesn't need kids to be happy in life. Even before we knew we had all these problems, he always said that he would be happy w/ kids, he would be happy w/o kids. He's always said that this would always be my decision because I am the one who has to do all the hard work. So I figure I'll do as many as my insurance company will allow (up to 6) and then call it quits. I can say that we aren't looking into any other means of having kids, because my husband isn't interested. But everyone's situation and experiences are different.

Anyway, best of luck to everyone. You have to do what is right for you...
Wishing you all the best...
Kara

[sconski]

It's comforting to know that so many others feel as I do!

I've just had my 11th failure. I'm 39 this year and been at this for 5 years. I've gone from excitedly wanting "twin girls - cute", then I would take just one girl thanks and she didnt have to be all that cute.
Then it was Girl or Boy, dont care as long as it's healthy. Then it was give me a baby, it can have something wrong with it and finally I have been just wanting a positive pregnancy test.

After 22 apparently very attractive embryo's failed to take, I'm sick of paying a lot of money for a bag full of "HOPE". That's all we are doing, buying hope.

For some it turns out beautifully, but for many we just have to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

That's where I'm at now! If I couldnt have the job of mother, then I need to figure out what Job I want to do.

And at the same time, I have to consciously stop myself feeling bitter towards all of those women who pop babies out like they are lollies and then treat their children like an imposition.

I have to bite my tongue and pretend to be something other than annoyed when the 18yo stepson comes to visit with this 16yo girlfriend and their BABY!

Its tough learning to come to terms with one's infertility. I do hope I can find some ideas here on this message board!!

I hope you do to Molly!!!


Sonja

[karno1]

Hi there-Just reading your post and remembering those painful times in my life as well. My hubby and I did 2 yrs of unsuccessful treatments, and other family members getting preggers all around me. All of your feelings are normal and totally valid. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I can really hear your pain.

All I can tell you is my own experience and how I found peace. First of all, my hubby and I made sure to always keep an open level of communication. These things can break or make a relationship-i felt that openess and honesty really got us through. I never realized how this process hurt him too-although he always prepared himself as I always knew preggers would be hard for me.

I had a long search in my heart and decided that, for me, I wanted children in my life-no matter how they had to come into my life. We decided to adopt and were blessed with a newborn baby girl named Gracie. I ws so scared that I wouldn't love a child that I didn't birth, but I can't imagine loving anything more than her. It has brought to our lives so much love and richness, its hard to describe.

Either way you choose in your path, take the time to grieve, but don't ever expect that pain to fully go away. Of course my daughter is my life now, but I still feel some grief over my own pregger losses. That can't be helped. But, it doesn't diminish the happiness with Gracie.

May Peace find you-

[Kitty23]

I'll ignore the last post...and say...I totally relate to you ladies. To have my own mother tell me that maybe it's not God's will for me to have a baby...WOW. I told her I'd would never believe that. To see all of these people who don't want their kids and then see us who really really really want kids...and do anything for them. It makes no sense. I now relate also to the person in the wheel chair...the person who is blind...these people didn't sign up for this and would do anything to be "normal"...but we must accept what we can't change...anything else will lead to mental health issues. We can't let our fertility issues define us...we must look beyond it and choose to be grateful for what we DO have. As my husband says, we WILL have a family with children one way or another. It's true...it's enlightening to hear the ladies express how they feel about their adopted child....it's so beautiful. I thank you for sharing your experience. It's inspiring and at this moment...even after 5 failed transfers and being in the 6th 2WW (and it's not looking good)...at this moment I am excited to find out how my story plays out. I'm excited to embrace the children that will soon be mine...through IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Now for patience...which I'm not good at. I think we need to also embrace the days when we don't have children yet...some people are on their death beds wishing they had another day....let's embrace the journey...and so often I go back to one of my favorite mottos..."every day above ground is a good day". Baby dust ladies...Love to all! Kitty

[Kukina]

I wonder if any of the ladies on this thread was able to have a baby. I have the same issues as many of you and I also wonder when is time to stop...