I'm totally new to this board and I am so upset and can't get any resolution. My husband and I have been trying for over a year and we found out that he has issues. I am resentful towards him since we waited so long to start trying. He wasn't ready to have kids when I was ready 6 years ago. Then we found out that in order to have a successful IVF cycle we would have to have ICSI. Thus we now will be in debt 16K while there are no guarantees. I also feel that others around me do not understand what I am going through. Everytime someone tells me about their pregnancy or tells me their good news. I feel like I want to tell them to stop. I am so tired of telling everybody else how happy I am for them that it now makes me sick to my stomach. All we want is a healthy baby and those who get pregnant without ART don't know how lucky they are. Now I have to go through weeks of injections and ultrasounds while my hubby does his normal routine. Everyone tells me that if my husband could go through it instead of me he would. But since he can't what's the point of saying that? Really he can't and won't and will just watch me go through major mood swings and becoming emotional. Is this fair? I constantly ask myself, why is this happening to me. All my friends who are at the stage of having babies have no problems and I can name about 8 girls that have had no problems. Then my husband and I make up that one out of 10 couples that have fertility problems. I can't get over this. We just ended up being a statistic.
Sorry to ramble on but I thought that others who are going through this tough situation will most likely understand more than those lucky couples who conceive naturally.
I see couples at the RE's office all the time. I want to tell them that I know what they are going through but due to privacy reasons, I don't say anything.
How should I get over this deep down anger. What should I do when I encounter another pregnant woman that just rambles on and on about their pregnancy?
Deep anger and resentment
Deep anger and resentment
Snemo
1st IVF BFP
M/c at 7 weeks 5/16/07
1st IVF BFP
M/c at 7 weeks 5/16/07
Snemo,
No i dont think your ramberling.
I and DH are medically in the same postion but we waited 10years i would have been happier if it was like you guys 6years when we started. I know how your feeling about the resentment for so long DH used to tell me it was me, but i spose i felt the anger and resentment took to much effort when i really want to put all my energy into my IVF cycle, and really want a baby with DH and couldnt see myself having a baby with anyone else.
Try and be patient none of us would wish it upon our worst enermies but as you say there are alot of us 1 in 10. And also i know my DH feels like he has let me down so be gentle on DH its not something that they can control and they to can become very depressed about it.
Sorry your going through a really hard time but you will find it will start to bring you and DH alot closer but there's also those times when its really, really tough take the good with the bad and treatment one day at a time.
Also get the anger off your chest tell some one how your feeling i dont know if you family knows but i have some good people around me that take an ear bashing from time to time i try and give DH a break from it.
This is an excellent forum and full of info.
Hope it gets better and just look at it as at least we all still have a chance
with success rates getting higher all the time.
Goodluck
No i dont think your ramberling.
I and DH are medically in the same postion but we waited 10years i would have been happier if it was like you guys 6years when we started. I know how your feeling about the resentment for so long DH used to tell me it was me, but i spose i felt the anger and resentment took to much effort when i really want to put all my energy into my IVF cycle, and really want a baby with DH and couldnt see myself having a baby with anyone else.
Try and be patient none of us would wish it upon our worst enermies but as you say there are alot of us 1 in 10. And also i know my DH feels like he has let me down so be gentle on DH its not something that they can control and they to can become very depressed about it.
Sorry your going through a really hard time but you will find it will start to bring you and DH alot closer but there's also those times when its really, really tough take the good with the bad and treatment one day at a time.
Also get the anger off your chest tell some one how your feeling i dont know if you family knows but i have some good people around me that take an ear bashing from time to time i try and give DH a break from it.
This is an excellent forum and full of info.
Hope it gets better and just look at it as at least we all still have a chance
with success rates getting higher all the time.Goodluck
Me29,DH31
Me: Endo ovary cyst
DH: Vlow sperm count
Hope to be starting 1st ICSI March07
Me: Endo ovary cyst
DH: Vlow sperm count
Hope to be starting 1st ICSI March07
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Literatriz
- Regular
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Tue Feb 13, 2007 10:42 pm
- Location: USA
Life will bring us disappointment and unfairness...people blame us for things we had no control over (like some genetically determined diseases) or characteristics in our children our DHs believe came from something we did or did not.
Renovating a kitchen brings lots of emotional burden to the most healthy couple. Can you imagine how much stress is involved into the uncertainties of overcoming infertility? Don't hesitate in looking for professional help (like a therapist, counselor or religious leader) and also on asking some very good friends if you could call them from time to time, just to vent.
Your relationshop with DH is more important than the child you both may conceive. Just because, children are happier if their parents have learned to get along before they come to this world.
I'd tell my pregnant friends that I fell happy for them and dream about having the same chance. They will stop bragging if they have any sense, after you disclose your intention to get pregnant. Some people keep asking "are you?", which is also very annoying. I would say, "I promise will tell you after my 12 weeks check-in - don't ask me abefore s I am supersticious!Please keep me in your thoughts".
Hope you feel better!
Best wishes, Literatriz
Renovating a kitchen brings lots of emotional burden to the most healthy couple. Can you imagine how much stress is involved into the uncertainties of overcoming infertility? Don't hesitate in looking for professional help (like a therapist, counselor or religious leader) and also on asking some very good friends if you could call them from time to time, just to vent.
Your relationshop with DH is more important than the child you both may conceive. Just because, children are happier if their parents have learned to get along before they come to this world.
I'd tell my pregnant friends that I fell happy for them and dream about having the same chance. They will stop bragging if they have any sense, after you disclose your intention to get pregnant. Some people keep asking "are you?", which is also very annoying. I would say, "I promise will tell you after my 12 weeks check-in - don't ask me abefore s I am supersticious!Please keep me in your thoughts".
Hope you feel better!
Best wishes, Literatriz
me 50, dh 54
2 BFN after IVF in Brazil
1 BFP after IVF in Brazil (Clinic Origen, thanks!)
Three little girls born February 27th!!!
2 BFN after IVF in Brazil
1 BFP after IVF in Brazil (Clinic Origen, thanks!)
Three little girls born February 27th!!!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I just went thru our 1st IVF cycle and it was not easy emtionally. The only difference is that he is fine, and I am the issue (undiagnosed). I felt alone and didn't feel much support. everyone just kept telling me, "I know how hard this must be...", but they had no idea. Once you start the injections, your modd swings will affect your emotions even more. So it will get harder before it gets easier. I am normally very strong emtionally but while on Lupron, Menapur and Follistem, I was crying all the time and sometimes for no reason. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. After the egg retrieval, my husband and I were so relieved and happier. We have our first pregnancy test tomorrow... we are so nervous! I am also at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. Some of them didn't even try to get pregnant! I changed my attitude and decided to just focus on me and not worry about them. I also stopped going to baby showers just to avoid the question, "When are you guys having kids." I found that to be helpful. Hang in there. I really know how you feel and you are not alone!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I just went thru our 1st IVF cycle and it was not easy emtionally. The only difference is that he is fine, and I am the issue (undiagnosed). I felt alone and didn't feel much support. everyone just kept telling me, "I know how hard this must be...", but they had no idea. Once you start the injections, your modd swings will affect your emotions even more. So it will get harder before it gets easier. I am normally very strong emtionally but while on Lupron, Menapur and Follistem, I was crying all the time and sometimes for no reason. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. After the egg retrieval, my husband and I were so relieved and happier. We have our first pregnancy test tomorrow... we are so nervous! I am also at the age where everyone around me is pregnant. Some of them didn't even try to get pregnant! I changed my attitude and decided to just focus on me and not worry about them. I also stopped going to baby showers just to avoid the question, "When are you guys having kids." I found that to be helpful. Hang in there. I really know how you feel and you are not alone!
anger issues
It's so good hearing someone else expressing their anger. I feel as angry as hell at the world some days.
It's not helped by the fact I come from a family of very fertile people, my mum had four of us, the last one at 35 and didn't have to wait more than a month to conceive each time. Both my younger sisters have a boy and a girl each and fell as easy as my mum.
The frustrating thing is that they both seem so miss their freedom and never want to include their kids in family events such as weddings as they think they get in the way of getting drunk and 'having a good time'. It does my head in, and the same time I think to myself if I am ever lucky as them to get pregnant please don't let me become like them.
And now to add insult to injury one of my cousins who has spent the last 36 years telling me how much she dislikes kids decided that she might as well have one after all and five minutes later she was pregnant. I was gutted when my mum told me. I've got to see her in the summer at a family event and she's just the sort of person to really enjoy rubbing my nose in it. Dreading it already.
Ahhhhh
That feels better!!! Anyway I get to do my test Sat 31st after four years of trying and my first round of IVF. Just so want it to work!
Good luck to all you angry wanna-be-mothers going through the same hormomal swings as me right now. xxxx
It's not helped by the fact I come from a family of very fertile people, my mum had four of us, the last one at 35 and didn't have to wait more than a month to conceive each time. Both my younger sisters have a boy and a girl each and fell as easy as my mum.
The frustrating thing is that they both seem so miss their freedom and never want to include their kids in family events such as weddings as they think they get in the way of getting drunk and 'having a good time'. It does my head in, and the same time I think to myself if I am ever lucky as them to get pregnant please don't let me become like them.
And now to add insult to injury one of my cousins who has spent the last 36 years telling me how much she dislikes kids decided that she might as well have one after all and five minutes later she was pregnant. I was gutted when my mum told me. I've got to see her in the summer at a family event and she's just the sort of person to really enjoy rubbing my nose in it. Dreading it already.
Ahhhhh
That feels better!!! Anyway I get to do my test Sat 31st after four years of trying and my first round of IVF. Just so want it to work!
Good luck to all you angry wanna-be-mothers going through the same hormomal swings as me right now. xxxx
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sassynlv
- Regular
- Posts: 815
- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 9:40 pm
- Location: at the end of my significantly frayed rope
snemo:
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. This whole thing sucks and i am sorry that you have to join us in the struggle. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling.
Dh and i tried for 2 yrs b4 even seeing an RE (we are both 35 now). My OB told me we just need to be having sex more. After a yr of that... i thought it was probably my job... so i quit working at such a stressful job and now only work part time. (like Quita, i come from an uber-fertile family... mother only had 1/2 ovary... rest removed 2' invasive tumor... and she had 4 kids... including fraternal twins
). After a yr of that and using OPK and i still wasn't preg, we had semen analysis done and it showed severely low morphology. But after mult failures, it appears my eggs are probably "rotten" as well 
. We just did ICSI #4--- and for the first time, they had a problem finding enough "normal" looking sperm to fertilize each of the 11 eggs. So we are quite a pair!
It sucks being around those who get preg so easily. Depending where i am emotionally, and in my cycling, i am very jealous of them. I find it very difficult at times to hear them all chat together about their preg or childbirth. I am angry that i even have to go through all this to get preg.... plus the fact that even after 4 times, i still have nothing to show for it. And for others (including my 2 sisters0, they pop them out just like buttering bread. There are times that i am overwhelmed by self-pity and anger, and times i feel at peace with it. I think all of those emotions are normal for women in our position. For me, fighting against having those feelings just makes them more intense. Having said that, I decided I don't like living long-term in a place of sadness and/or anger. If you are interested in some of the things that have helped me, feel free to PM me.
As for how to deal with the preg of others. I do a lot of "smile and nod" if i am in a situation that i feel i truly can't remove myself from. o/w I simply find a polite way out of the conversation. Now a lot of people around me know we have been ttc unsuccessfully for years... and when it comes to this issue, i think that has actually been a good thing. My friends tend to run interference for me in social situations... and most of my friends would never call me up and go off about their preg symptoms. Of course, at this point, most of our friends are getting their tubes tied as they are DONE having children (yep, a bit behind the times, we are )
I hope you are able to find a way to come together with your husband. IF can cause great strain on marriages. But you are a team, and i am hoping that you can feel a closeness and unity with him. IF and especially ART is a struggle for men also.. they just show it differently. I know finding out that his SA was abnl was a blow to my dh--- it is a guy thing. It hurt his ego. But it isn't HIS fault, it is just something we will deal with as a couple.
Please PM me if there is anything i can do to help
Sassy
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. This whole thing sucks and i am sorry that you have to join us in the struggle. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling.
Dh and i tried for 2 yrs b4 even seeing an RE (we are both 35 now). My OB told me we just need to be having sex more. After a yr of that... i thought it was probably my job... so i quit working at such a stressful job and now only work part time. (like Quita, i come from an uber-fertile family... mother only had 1/2 ovary... rest removed 2' invasive tumor... and she had 4 kids... including fraternal twins
). After a yr of that and using OPK and i still wasn't preg, we had semen analysis done and it showed severely low morphology. But after mult failures, it appears my eggs are probably "rotten" as well . We just did ICSI #4--- and for the first time, they had a problem finding enough "normal" looking sperm to fertilize each of the 11 eggs. So we are quite a pair!It sucks being around those who get preg so easily. Depending where i am emotionally, and in my cycling, i am very jealous of them. I find it very difficult at times to hear them all chat together about their preg or childbirth. I am angry that i even have to go through all this to get preg.... plus the fact that even after 4 times, i still have nothing to show for it. And for others (including my 2 sisters0, they pop them out just like buttering bread. There are times that i am overwhelmed by self-pity and anger, and times i feel at peace with it. I think all of those emotions are normal for women in our position. For me, fighting against having those feelings just makes them more intense. Having said that, I decided I don't like living long-term in a place of sadness and/or anger. If you are interested in some of the things that have helped me, feel free to PM me.
As for how to deal with the preg of others. I do a lot of "smile and nod" if i am in a situation that i feel i truly can't remove myself from. o/w I simply find a polite way out of the conversation. Now a lot of people around me know we have been ttc unsuccessfully for years... and when it comes to this issue, i think that has actually been a good thing. My friends tend to run interference for me in social situations... and most of my friends would never call me up and go off about their preg symptoms. Of course, at this point, most of our friends are getting their tubes tied as they are DONE having children (yep, a bit behind the times, we are
)I hope you are able to find a way to come together with your husband. IF can cause great strain on marriages. But you are a team, and i am hoping that you can feel a closeness and unity with him. IF and especially ART is a struggle for men also.. they just show it differently. I know finding out that his SA was abnl was a blow to my dh--- it is a guy thing. It hurt his ego. But it isn't HIS fault, it is just something we will deal with as a couple.
Please PM me if there is anything i can do to help
Sassy
6 fresh IVFs plus one cancelation
Last Chance FET--- Pregnant with triplets!
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/XhKKm8/.png[/img]
Last Chance FET--- Pregnant with triplets!
[img]http://b1.lilypie.com/XhKKm8/.png[/img]
i know how you feel but don't get too mad at your dh, he probably feels bad enough since it's his "fault"
MY DH had a vasectomy during his first marriage - after 1 DS and now i'm stuck with the consequences and having to go through IVF/ICSI because of him. BUT beleive me- he is very sorry that we can't do it "normal"- even asked me if I wanted a divorce so I could get pregnant with someone else. as if!
I've had many friends that had unplanned/unwante pregnancies and it's definitely not fair.
you might feel you are alone- but you are definitely not- just come on here to see how many of us are going through the same thing you are!
hang in there! hope to see you back on the boards!
MY DH had a vasectomy during his first marriage - after 1 DS and now i'm stuck with the consequences and having to go through IVF/ICSI because of him. BUT beleive me- he is very sorry that we can't do it "normal"- even asked me if I wanted a divorce so I could get pregnant with someone else. as if!
I've had many friends that had unplanned/unwante pregnancies and it's definitely not fair.
you might feel you are alone- but you are definitely not- just come on here to see how many of us are going through the same thing you are!
hang in there! hope to see you back on the boards!
me-26, dh- 33
1st IVF/ICSI Feb/Mar 2007- BFP! MC @ 5w2d
looking to start again with our 3 icicles in June or July 2007! (a BFP happy 27th bday present to me! 07/26)
1st IVF/ICSI Feb/Mar 2007- BFP! MC @ 5w2d
looking to start again with our 3 icicles in June or July 2007! (a BFP happy 27th bday present to me! 07/26)
Our poor husbands
Our poor old husbands it must be a blooming nightmear for them, mustn't it! There is just so little they can do.
I am finding this week so much harder than last week as I am in the middle of the waiting game waiting for HPT day next Saturday 29th.
Last week so was so much easier because there was so much to do what with injections, more injections, a few more injections, followed by acupunture and finally egg collection and egg transfere.
When you can actively engage in the IVF process you feel you have some control over it but when you have to just lie back and wait its so much harder. And lets face it, it must feel like that for our poor hubbys most of the time. Everyone in IVF is so impotent (not sure if I've spelt that right, excuse me if I haven't) most of the time, and all they want give us is a baby. It must be hideous for them especially when they are told they have got dodgy sperm....like they are doing it on purpose.
However; most of the situations infertility and IUI and IVF have put us in have been so bizarre that inbetween all the crying, comforting and hand holding we have laughed our socks off. And it has defiantly brought us even closer together!
Whatever happens it's been an interesting ride. Not one I would ever choose to go on, but hysterical and never boring none the less.
My DH even managed to collide with one of the doctors cars the first time we went to the IVF clinic, which makes me giggle even now.
Just think of all the stories we we have to tell our children, biological or otherwise!
Who wants a boring life anyway!!! xxx
I am finding this week so much harder than last week as I am in the middle of the waiting game waiting for HPT day next Saturday 29th.
Last week so was so much easier because there was so much to do what with injections, more injections, a few more injections, followed by acupunture and finally egg collection and egg transfere.
When you can actively engage in the IVF process you feel you have some control over it but when you have to just lie back and wait its so much harder. And lets face it, it must feel like that for our poor hubbys most of the time. Everyone in IVF is so impotent (not sure if I've spelt that right, excuse me if I haven't) most of the time, and all they want give us is a baby. It must be hideous for them especially when they are told they have got dodgy sperm....like they are doing it on purpose.
However; most of the situations infertility and IUI and IVF have put us in have been so bizarre that inbetween all the crying, comforting and hand holding we have laughed our socks off. And it has defiantly brought us even closer together!
Whatever happens it's been an interesting ride. Not one I would ever choose to go on, but hysterical and never boring none the less.
My DH even managed to collide with one of the doctors cars the first time we went to the IVF clinic, which makes me giggle even now.
Just think of all the stories we we have to tell our children, biological or otherwise!
Who wants a boring life anyway!!! xxx
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nobabiesyet
- Newbie
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2007 6:11 pm
Hi. I'm in roughly the same position as you - my hubby is the defective one! LOL I'm just kidding (as me and hubby do together about it. It helps us get through this childless nightmare). The thing I hate the most is the sympathy!!!! Grrrrr! I know people don't know what to say and they really feel for you but I've never been in a situation in my life where I see that pitying look in people's eyes and I don't want it now. I can't handke it at all. It is dreadful but I'm not dead or dying either. We have had one failed ivf attempt and we coped pretty well with the bad news when it came.
As for other people's children, I do feel bad when my family and friend's have one child (some have two since we started to conceive which is seven years now). I feel like saying all sorts of selfish things like "How come you can have ANOTHER one and I can't have my first??? Do you know how long we've wanted this and you're popping them out like a rabbit!!!" But I resist. I refuse to lose sight of the fact that other people have the right to have beautiful children and it's not even close to being their fault that we can't. It doesn't help change the situation and I sometimes get worn out with the constant thinking about our infertility. But, ultimately, as cheesy as it sounds, you really have to keep remembering that your life is ok without children because, even though it's so though, your life is ok if you're happy with everything else and are healthy. But, be angry! You're definitely allowed that.
As for other people's children, I do feel bad when my family and friend's have one child (some have two since we started to conceive which is seven years now). I feel like saying all sorts of selfish things like "How come you can have ANOTHER one and I can't have my first??? Do you know how long we've wanted this and you're popping them out like a rabbit!!!" But I resist. I refuse to lose sight of the fact that other people have the right to have beautiful children and it's not even close to being their fault that we can't. It doesn't help change the situation and I sometimes get worn out with the constant thinking about our infertility. But, ultimately, as cheesy as it sounds, you really have to keep remembering that your life is ok without children because, even though it's so though, your life is ok if you're happy with everything else and are healthy. But, be angry! You're definitely allowed that.