So unfair!

DeanandHelen · Post by **DeanandHelen** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 1:24 am

Hello i'm new to this site and message board. My Wife and I visisted our doctors today and we found out that H has not been ovulating for 2 consecutive months. We went to the docs because H is 2 weeks late and we have been trying now for approx 13 months. We hoped we would come out of the docs happy, but instead H received terrible news of more complications. She has had a policistic ovary before and now this. Since she was a young girl she been pining to be a mother, I heard her cry herself to sleep tonight. We have been directed to a fertilty clinic for investigations, We both have a feeling it is going to be a hard long road. I'm worried that this will destroy H, this is all she has ever wanted in life and someone is telling her she may not be able to have children. How do you and your significant others cope with the delays and waiting and the bad news/set backs??? I worry that H and I are not that strong.

Traci · Post by **Traci** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 9:03 am

Im sorry that you are going to trail down this route but it isnt that bad , I think you should get some fight in you and give it your best shot, at least see what the consultant says , there are loads of protocols out there to try and you will become stronger as long as you go through it together and dont bottle things up , I wont pretend that its easy but My veiws are is that I want to know when I do give up is that I DID ALL I COULD otherwise the rest of my life will be ruined wandering if there was something I could have done . We are all here to help you through it and there seem to be more positive results than not here and alot of people with PO will be able to give advice . Be strong and go for what you want in life as this is it no practice run and no turning the clock back, its the here and now that matters. I am just getting over my 3rd failed ICSI last week and its tough but I tell myself that I havent just been told that I have 6 months to live and that keeps me going with the added glass of Brandy and Coke now and then some retail therapy!!!!! We are all here to help you Good Luck whatever you decide not everybody see's it like me ! Trace x

ANGELA · Post by **ANGELA** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 9:31 am

Hi Dean and Helen, Am sorry to hear you are not having much luck i am about to embark on my first i.v.f cycle in the new year hopefully me and my dear partner have been trying for almost 3 years at the start i thought oh god why my i cant go through all this its to hard and and so emotionally draining but i have hope and alot of good friends on here that pull you through when times get bad iv had my ups and downs the downs can be really bad but the ups and the thought of what i WILL get at the end pull me through these bad times i have unexplained infertility and wasnt expecting to have i.v.f just thiught i would have iui which a lot less invasive and the thought of i.v.f scares the s**t out of me even had nightmares about it last night. But believe me helen will find the strength and determination to get through this so will you its surprising the amount of hurt and pain we can all take my love and best wishes go out to you, i have come a hell of a lot further than i ever dreamed i could take it one day at a time and never ever give up hope your time WILL come keep in touch with us all on here we are all here to help each other love Angela

helenlouise · Post by **helenlouise** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 10:03 am

the most important thing you can do as a couple is keep talking about everything however trivial it seems you must discuss things so they don't bottle up and cause resentment. Visit a few clinics if you can to get the feel of places and book a consultation at one that made you feel comfortable. Try and do research yourself before you go so you can predict things that might be said or asked. Initially they will just want history and try and diagnose what is wrong. It may not even come to IVF, but whatever happens go through every stage together and read through peoples experiences on here. IVF really isn't as bad as you imagine. Yes, it is invasive and can be a drag, but we here all know we would go through much much more to get the end result-a baby. good luck and don't be scared, theres many people in the same boat i think its just not openly discussed that often. helen

fi · Post by fi » Fri Dec 05, 2003 6:18 pm

take one day at a time ( and use this site lots!!!!!!!) good luck, but its a long journey for the majority (be realistic) fi

DebraP · Post by **DebraP** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:19 pm

Hi, You asked how do people cope with the setbacks and problems along the way. I guess for many people the start of fertility treatment means a postive, practical step towards their goal. That having started the process, they have a shared mission and whist often difficult, can bring couples closer (sounds naff, but true). I liked Fi's advice of 'be realistic', maybe agree to gather as much info about different tmts now as possible (you could also discreetly ask around - like Helen Louise said, you'll be surprised how many couples have similar issues) and then making an apt. with a professional (private if you have to) and ask all your questions. After that I'd suggest agreeing how long you both think you'll want to give the tmt. Either months/years or no. of tmts. Even think 'what if it doesn't work'. For many of course it does, the millionth IVF baby was born this year. Most of all, be positive. Helen will need you to be the strong one when she's feeling low. Decide where you'll get your support from too. Hope this helps. Be Positive! Debra.

Helen Reid · Post by **Helen Reid** » Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:50 pm

Dean and Helen I too like your wife has dreamt of having a family since i can remember and the day i was told i was devastated.But the thought of help made me determined. Keep talking to each other and reasurring her it will happen. don't not talk about it. I only found this site a couple of months ago and i feel it has helped to know there is others out there who are going through the same thing as you. There is hope look at the other side and it will show you it does happen. Helen Reid

DeanandHelen · Post by **DeanandHelen** » Sat Dec 06, 2003 1:29 am

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. We have been out with a group of friends this evening on a preplanned birthday party. The conversation seemed to all ways contain baby stories, Helen and I found it very hard. How do you explain it to people around you? Its Helen here. Thanks again for all your advice it is lovely to hear from people who have also been through this. I am still very much in shock that I am unable to conceive naturally, and unfortunately havent got over the initial crying stage. Thanks again for your support.

Dagny · Post by **Dagny** » Sat Dec 06, 2003 12:24 pm

Hello Dean and Helen I found that initially after finding out we had to go through fertility treatment I was very angry and resentful and I became quite bitter towards people who were PG or parents. Then I realised this was making me a nasty person and I would alienate all the people who cared for me and loved me. I sought councelling and could rant and rave and be really angry at a stranger which kinda helped. It made me realise also that not only did I have a fantastic husband and loving family, I had a group of friends who cared and listened and were always there for me.I had good health and hadn't been told I was just about to die and so I took stock of the situation and HAD to accept it. I told all my friends and family as I didn't want the awkward silences and questions like 'When are you two going to start a family'? Everybody was great and so supportive. I don't agree with keeping it a secret as it can eat away at you but some girls on here have found it better not to tell. It is personal but if people know the situation they can be more sensitive during conversations etc. Fertility treatment has moved forward so rapidly over the years. we have to keep the faith and we will succeed if we are positive. I am sending you lots of good luck and a big hug. It is good to cry and let out those emotions but just remember you are NOT alone. We are here for you at any time for advice and support. Be strong and take care, sorry for rambling! Love Dagny x

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sun Dec 07, 2003 7:20 pm

Hi your post made me quite tearful as it reminded me of what we went through when we discovered we needed to have IVF in early Nov last year. it is a grieving process and there are a lot of tears but then somehow you get the strength to pull through. from what you have said it seems that you have not quite got to the stage where it is necessarily IVF or nothing, as they normally try people on Clomid for a couple of months if they are not ovulating (though not sure if this is the case with PCO) and then go on to suggest iui before IVF etc so it may not be as bad as you think. A very good friend of mine only has around 2 to 3 periods a year (ie not ovulating most of the time), tried iui twice and then fell pregnant naturally. she is now 5 months gone. another friend tried clomid for 2/3 months and got pregnant. there are happy stories out there. even if you do have to resort to IVF like us, there are still many happy stories out there. that is the reason we all keep on truckin. it took us 2 attempts and it is still early days for us and the worry does not go away even if you are pregnant but I think it's worth it. for some people it takes longer, some people shorter but it's focussing on the end product that pulls us all through the extreme highs and lows. my best of luck to you beckym xxxx

jane · Post by **jane** » Tue Dec 09, 2003 8:59 pm

Hi, I do know how you are feeling. Over two years ago me and my partner started trying for a baby. 6 months ago I found out that I have absolutely no chance of conceiving naturally. Both my tubes are blocked, and been told that surgery would not work. It is heartbreaking. It has been so difficult the last year waiting for all the results of blood tests, scans and then waiting for an NHS laparoscopy. Even though I am still gutted, and angry, I am also so excited about starting IVF as at least its something definite happening. You never know I could be pregnant in March, and that keeps me going. I have told all my freinds, family, my boss and some work colleagues. There is no way I could pretend that I don't want children, so when the subject comes up I tell people. Only then do you find out that other people have (or know someone else) had fertility problems. I still cry (especially when I've had a bit to drink!) but I really do know that I will have children one day. I've just got to be far more patient than others, and more skint! Hope this helps. Good luck to the both of you, it will work out for us all. From S-Jane

Jo Locker · Post by **Jo Locker** » Wed Dec 10, 2003 12:00 pm

Hi Dean & Helen. I remember vividly sitting in the consultants office being told we'd never conceive naturally with our problems and I couldnt believe it cos its something you just don't consider. Sadly though life isnt fair or just - some folks wish they could walk but wont be able to, others wish they could see or hear but will never be able to - we have no choice but to adapt to what we're dealt and knowing how many people have these feelings (about infertility and worse disorders) does help you to look outwards rather than inwards after a while. BUT......... the good news is that there is LOTS that can be done for all kinds of problems so try to think positive. Once we started on treatment ( it took 3 goes at ICSI over about 9 months ) you feel that you're doing what you can to help yourself and its really not too bad. How to cope? Realise there's loads of people in the same boat, try even to laugh about the treatments where you can (believe me, you can find humour in it if you look!), keep it as lighthearted as possible, know there's a good chance they can help you out, have patience cos it can take quite a while. Best of Luck & lots of love - Jo. XXX (Amazed when I couldnt conceive naturally, Amazed when I conceived through ICSI - you can do it!!)

GB · Post by GB » Wed Dec 10, 2003 1:17 pm

Good luck with all your investigations. I know that this is a rollacoaster ride...but you'll get there someday! Take care and all the best. Lotsa luv to you both. Gila.

Di · Post by Di » Wed Dec 17, 2003 5:05 pm

Hi Helen and Dean, Your experience brought back memories of 8 yers ago when a horrible Dr stood at the end of my hospital bed, post laparoscopy and told me I'd never have children naturally as both my tubes were blocked. I was devastated and can totally understand how devastated you both must feel! Give yourselves time to grieve and talk through how you feel, although this might be painful as you both bring different feelings to the surface. And when you feel ready you'll be able to face tmt together and be all the stronger as a couple for it. Now 8 years on and 10 tmt's I'm now 17 weeks pg and although its been a painful and angry journey at times, DH and I have got through it together with the support of friends and others going through the same. There's so much support out there to use and although I only found this site on our last tmt its been a god-send! Take care of yourselves and each other, Di

Nicky Dean · Post by **Nicky Dean** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 10:35 pm

Hi Helen and Dean I just wanted to say keep your chin up, keep positive, keep talking and like everyone else has said do not give up. Yes there's nothing worse than the news you've been given, but you have your health and you will get through it and hopefully for the better............ I am starting my 1st go at IVF next sat, and you dont want to know how much of a mess i am, just want to get going, but I have other medical probs, i had a kidney transplant 20yrs ago and take medication to keep that going, I have high blood pressure, and i had to have a bit of my bowel taken away this year while on holiday in portugal (which was suppose to be a break before we started the treatment, which we have waited 3yrs for!)It was very sudden i was in a lot of pain and had to have an emergency op while out there, ended up being out there for a month, now i can tell you that was more scary than having to go through this, however bad you feel now, put this into being a good thing and know that you will be better off, i know that you are hurting now, but just be there for each other, keep talking and be strong. Take care and the very best of luck Nicky xx

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