Just found out DH can't get me Pregnant. Thinking Donor?

[MrsAmyLiz]

After nearly 2 yrs of trying and spending the last couple months being poked and proded by professionals... We have been told that is is "extremely unlikely" that DH can get me pregnant.

I am not sure the correct term for it but they said something about low quality and/or miss-shapened sperm.

We were going to try IVF - but then found the cost was way more than we can handle without a some sort of guaranty.

Several people have said we could get a donor and I automatically said no, without talking to DH. I don't know why but the thought of getting pregnant by someone other than my hubby just freaks me out.

We have been talking about adopting - until last night when DH said we should get a donor so at least the child would be half ours.

Anyone else Freaked out by the thought of a DONOR? I guess it is silly but I am having a hard time with this option. If he can be okay with it.. why the heck shouldn't I be?

I don't even know how this works? You just what .. pick out a donor from a catalog and they inseminate you?

I'm confused.

[Polly12]

Hi Amy,
Welcome.
You need to read our posts on "U R Not alone with DI" - lots of ladies in your shoes have shared their stories on there.

Don't worry - the journey to having a child with a donor is absolutely terrifing at first - i would know, i start my first IUI with a donor next month - my DH has NO sperm at all. I have been to hell and back several times throughout the last few months.

I can honestly say though, with an understanding and loving husband you will be able to face it, and get through it.

Im in NZ and im sure the process in the US is a little different, but here we had to wait 6 months for a donor list to come up (7 donor to chooses from), then we went to our clinic and read through the profiles which showed age, height, interests, hair colour, eye colour etc and other non identifying information. We made a list of 3 and gave it back to the nurses. Next month they will inseminate me with out top choice.

I am happy to answer any questions you have.

Take Care

[Gargy]

Hi Amy,

I'm also in the same position as Polly, my DH also has no sperm.

My DH did not take it as well as your husband has done - it took a major turn around in his thinking and counselling for him to agree a genetic link doesn't make you a good dad. Now he's more for it than I am!!

Maybe you should think about going to counselling with someone experienced in fertility, so that you can consider your options. It also helps to deal with the grief that you will not have a child in the way you expected. And it also helps you to consider the pros and cons about telling your child they were concieved through donor sperm. In Aust, NZ and the UK, donor children are legally required to be able to have access to their donor once they turn 18.

Again, the Australian system is very similar to that Polly goes through in NZ. Anonymous ('unknown') donors give some information to the clinic they donate to, and couples using DI are placed on a waiting list.

My DH were very lucky - when we first started there were no waiting lists and we were able to try IUI twice. Unfortunately it didn't take, and then the sperm donor reached his family limit.

We are now going through the 'known' donor process, because of the offer of a very kind friend. A lot of people use this option, particularly if the DH has a brother that is willing to donate.

Sometimes I do get freaked out about how far away from 'normal' we are when it comes to having children. But I think that the end result is worth it, either we will have the child of our dreams, or we will know that we tried everything we could to have a family.

Forums like this are brilliant too, even if it's just to keep you grounded.

Good luck in your journey.

Gargu

[Polly12]

Further to Gargys usual helpful advice...........i felt for months that this whole thing was so much larger than me, so big i would never accept it or get my head around it and that it would consume me - now i do think about what im doing as more "normal" and don't think too much about the natural way babies are conceived, its amazing how your mind can change its way of thinking over time when you become ready to be more accepting of your situation.