Anyone else calling it a day?

[Pat19]

Hi Ladies,

As alot of you already know I got a BFN today. It's a real shame as this was my last chance of becoming a mother.

I'm 34, been ttc for almost 9 years now. The last few years, all this has been a real strain on my relationship, I'm a strong person, but hubby can't take no more heart ache when it all goes wrong, he actually didn't wanna go through this last time, but I begged for one more go, and not only that we just haven't got the money to carry on going. If it was up to me, I would carry on aslong as I could, even if it ment selling my house and getting a smaller one, just so I could have the money.

I've cried soooooooooo much today, I'm all out of tears now. This morning I said to hubby, I'd ring him by 9am, only if I have good news, but I only had bad news, so I never called, I just didn't wanna upset him at work, but this evening he's come home and he can't even bring himself to talk about it or just hug me, he's just shut completely down, I feel hurt, because I could really do with a cuddle right now, but I understand because that's his way of dealing with our lost.

At the moment I'm making do with attention for my cat, she's great, she knows when I'm upset and she sits with me and gives me loads of kisses, bless her.

All I can say at some point in my life, I must of done something really bad, that I'm unaware of and this is the reason I'm never gonna blessed with a little one. So here I am at 34 having to come to turns that I'm never gonna be a mother, I guess somethings are just never ment to be and it's clear that nothing I can do or say will ever change that.

I would love to hear from any other ladies who have decided to call it a day like me, any tips on dealing with and coming to turns with this would be great.


Pat
X

[Melissa112]

Oh Pat! Your post has me crying my eyes out!

I so feel for you!!! And your hubby, I know it's hard, I do!!! Actually my husband I talked about it this weekend, and I think we've decided to stop as well. It's a hard decision, it's costly, it's emotional.

This IVF thing, is just a roller coaster, it's not a matter of just getting pregnant, it's SO emotional, that no one that isn't going through it can understand - it plays with more than just your uterus - it's an emotional rollercoaster of HELL!

I am so sorry! And please don't know that you've done anything wrong or bad! I think that God just has other plans for people like you and I - maybe we aren't suppposed to have children from our va-jay-jay, but rather foster... I don't know I am just writing to write at this point.

But I know how hard it is, trust me I do!!!

I am sorry - this so sucks for you! Maybe you should just go fall into your DH's arms and hug him, he needs you as much as you need him right now.

Hugs and Prayers to you!

Mel
xxoo

[madison]

Oh my gosh,

Pat please, I know how hard it is. I got a BFN yesterday. We don't know if we are going to try any more. 4 failed iui's, 2 failed ivf's and 1 that turned into another iui and failed. We are not sure if we will try again.

Please don't feel that you are being punished. We are not, like Mel said there just is something else meant for us and hopefully we will find it soon. I was going to look into support groups in my area to deal with it, I hope one does exist.

My heart aches for you and your husband, you both need each other now more than ever. Hold on to one another and it will be alright.

Sending you hugs and prayers too,

Madison

[Xrayem]

Dear Pat,

I'm not the person you perhaps wanted to be hearing from as I was blessed enough to have luck after 5 years TTC but I felt compelled to write when I read that you thought you had done something wrong to cause this. Please, Please, Please know that this is beyond your control. Tying yourself in knots and beliveing that there's blame in all this will only make the strain on your relationship worse.

Never say never. You are still only young and after a years break or so, perhaps your DH will approach you and ask for another go? Just take some time out now to work on your relationship and fall in love with each other again.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever happpens.

Em

[Babysoft]

First off let me say...I'm sorry to hear about your outcome with this horrible issue of infertility! I've been going through it for years and there have been so many times I've just wanted to crawl under a rug and disappear! I've even thought of getting a divorce because it's been so hard on our marriage...my hubby comes from a huge family and his younger brother get his girlfriend pregnant every time he looks at her...they've have 3 children in 4 1/2 years. What makes it more awful is his youngest brother met a girl and got her pregnant a month later and she had an abortion....I felt like chopping off her mid section....I wanted to sit her down and tell her how much of a blessing she had received how there are so many woman would do anything to have the gift she just decided to throw away. To add insult to injury...my husband and I are more successful than his other siblings and every time they need financial help they call on us, but whenever they have the opportunity they constantly throw in our face that we have no children together. I have a daughter...she is 11 and I have her in my teenage years! I never even realized I was having problems with infertility...I just remember deciding to have children and not getting pregnant! I've had so many sleepless night and tear filled days...its so hard to explain to my friends that I'm having trouble conceiving...in my culture I should be having kids like every other year. No one understands what I'm going thru and to be honest een if they did....they probably wouldn't care! Funny thing is...I almost attempted to explain to my in-laws the problem we are having getting pregnant, but a commercial came on for ivf financing and someone made a comment about people screwing with GOD's plan and another made a joke about a test tube baby being made in a vial. I just looked at my husband and saw the disappointment on his face...I went in the bathroom and cried for about an hour.

Pat...I know it's hard coming to term with what may be a decision you don't want to face...I'm going to be completely honest....DONT FACE IT!!! I don't believe its the end for you....there are so many different options out there....holistic medicine...acupuncture and herbs that may help you with infertility. There are also some state that require ivf coverage....not sure where you are located but you should check into all of these options. I think before you give up completely...change it into a part-time mission! Instead of focusing on it all the time....check into less expensive options...keep taking your pre-natal pills and stay positive. If you don't mind me asking....what is the cause of your infertility?

Again...I am sending you the best of wishes and I sincerely hope GOD blesses you with what your heart desires!

[souris]

Pat, I am so so sorry. I know the heartache.
I test on Friday, and if it is -, we, or mainly I have decided to call it a day (For IVF). It is not too hard for DH as he already has children. But me, I am 25 and cannot imagine my life without child/children.
But I cannot take it emotionally, physically. I dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to go to the hospital so often, I want my body back, I want my husband back (because IVF takes so much space in my head that I seem to get selfish and put everything and everyone aside).
I have no fertility problems. DH had a vasectomy done after his separation. This is our forth round of IVF, I am 25 and healthy . I did get pregnant on my last cycle but lost my baby at 12 weeks. For a while, I also asked myself what I did wrong to deserve that... and then I realised that none of it was my fault. I do not believe in God, but I believe in fate and destiny.
I think that if I cannot have my baby, it means that I am meant to find my baby. I said I would call it a day for IVF, but I am not giving up motherhood. We have started the adoption process and I feel at peace with myself. Yes i would be disappointed If I get a BFN on friday, but then I will be sure that the reason why IVF did not work for me is because somewhere, a little child is waiting for me. You are still very young, have you thought about adoption?
I wish you the best and send a big hug to you and DH. He needs you right now and you need him. Take this time to re-find him. I am sure you will find your way of having a family.
Best of luck
xxx
souris

[Pat19]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for all your replies.

Hubby didn't talk to me last night, but when he came to bed he pulled me close and gave me a big cuddle and we fell asleep, it was just what I needed.

*** I forgot to say in my first post. 9 years ago when we first started trying for a baby and it wasn't happening, I went for tests and I was told I had PCOS, hubby went for a sperm count check and he was told he's fine. But when I had my last 2 ICSI's I was told I no longer have PCOS, and that my infertility is now classed as unexplained, but now hubby has a low sperm count. So apart from hubby having this low sperm count, I know nothing else ***

But hubby is adamant he doesn't wanna go through this pain again, he's even started to bring up the subject of getting a divorce because of the stress, so I have no choice, I have to respect his wishes like he respected mine, by letting me have this last try.

And what makes this so hard aswell, I'm the youngest out of 5 brothers and they've alllllllllllll got kids, also apart from you guy's I haven't told a sole that we're having this problem, not even my mum, and I'm not about too either, but I know everyone must be wondering cause I've been with hubby for 15 years now.

Pat
X

We tried naturally for about 3 years, then had 4 IUI's and 3 ICSI's.

[geckogirl]

Oh Pat,

I am so sorry you are going through this. This infertility journey is true hell. To try, try, try and try again feels impossible sometimes. My DH doesn't really know what to do with me when we get bad news but does his best to hug me and tells me he loves me. I know he is sad too but he seems to handle it much better than I.

It sounds like it is time to take a break and spend some time putting each other first. He may come round later and want to try again. I know that the breaks we have had between treatments is very important. This stuff takes all of your time and sometimes you need to just relax and start living your life, doing fun and spontaneous things with your spouse, take a vacation or whatever you can to be close. I know for me the real tragedy would not to have my husband - I can deal with being childless.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

[Angela37firsttimeivf]

Dear Pat, just want you to know how much reading your thread has touched my heart. Dont give up hope that you will be a parent. If you feel it is your destiny, you will be, even if it is through adoption or fostering. I have a strong belief in God and think that he puts the desires into our heart because he has a plan for us. I dont know whether you are religious or not but talking to Him, or even just writing stuff down that you feel really helps me. You will be heard, and you will be fulfilled...

Apart from that, reading this thread has really given me some inspiration in preparation for that possibly negative result for me later on today.

God be with you,

love from Angela x

[Pat19]

Thanks ladies, reading all your messages really keeps me going at such a low point in my life.

Fostering or Adoption, that's another BIG no no in hubby's eyes I'm afraid, but I've known this from day one so it's not even an option, he has told me he could never love someone elses kid and it wouldn't be fair to go through Fostering or Adoption knowing this.

I feel I'm making my hubby sound like a horrible person, but please don't think that for one minute, because he's not, he's a great man, if he wasn't, I wouldn't of spent 15 years with him.


Love u all
Pat
X

[beachbaby]

Pat, I am so sorry for you my heart goes out to you.I hope you can talk it over with your DH soon, and move forward to your life together.Some time away from all this can and does work wonders. Please take some precious time with your DH. I know when it comes to the crunch for us that i will cope much better than my DH, he blames himself as we have a small sperm issue, and feels life is pointless without kids, at the moment this is getting him down as we are undergoing further tests which will determine if it is the end for us. i am a stronger person but the weight of it all is hard as like you no one knows. but for me time is running out.

I hope you feel better in a few days, and can work with your DH to save your marraige, to have got this far together you are made for each other, please be strong and take care.
J

[Babysoft]

Pat,

I'm still reading your post and I feel for you completely. We seem to be in a similar situation....as I said before my hubby comes from a huge family he is the oldest of 5....now is 18 yr old sister is pregnant due i August. That has been the most trying thing for me at this moment..every time we are around her people ask us what re we waiting on. If this ivf attempt doesn't work it will also be the end for me...financial I can not afford to take the risk and emotionally I know this is just too much for me to bar. My hubby isn't even considering adoption...nor would his family agree with that either. I truly think a break for you and your hubby would help...especially if he is speaking of divorce...I think you guys need to get ack to loving each other. I also firmy believe since your infertility if now unexplained...you should try the natural route...meaning acupuncture and chinese medicines....it has helped a lot of people and it isn't expensive at all!

I hope everything works out for you...I wish you the best in your marriage, life and future as a parent!

[stressball]

Hi Pat,
I have lost a loved one...my dad recently. After his death I realized that we have only limited time of life to live. If we keeo chasing life by saying I will be happy IF.....its not going to happen. The truth is that you sadness comes automatically but happiness comes with efforts. Please sit down and think of things that will make you and your hubby happy. You have tried hard things such as IVF to make you happy, now try easy things. All you need to know right now is that WE WANT TO BE HAPPY. There could be several other ways you could achieve your goal. Please dont loose what you have now for what you want. Last but not the least the theory of you do bad then bad would happen to you is BULLSHIT. Bad things happen to good people too and good people can go through bad by holding hands of their love ones.

I am not lecturing here, I am sharing my own experience. If my IVF does not work and when I deceide enough is enough, I will feel free. Its hard but I am going to try. So FEEL FREE. LIVE LIFE. TRY.

Lots of blessings,
Sanya

[marsxp]

Dearest Pat,

i'm so so sorry that you're going through such pain right now... my heart goes out to you... i know it's hard to come to terms with what we see as a failure but i hope later on, you will see a window open that will make your pains go away completely.....

liek you, i just had my BFN with my first IVF three weeks ago.... i felt the same pain if not more.... i also thought that it's the end of the road for me having tried for 8 years already and have gone through so much medical interventions.... crying my eyes out helped me a lot... plus the hugs and reassurance from DH.... we have decided to focus somewhere else - my school, my puppy and what nots.... hearing from him that we have something else to do aside from stressing over a baby made me realize that there's more to life than a baby... i know it will make us a "family" but if God really planned us to be this way, then we will try to make life work and enjoy each other's company to the fullest....

Pls dont give up.... i know it's hard when we seem to not have control over things... but as they say, it will come when you least expect it.... take some time out with your hubby... maybe go on a quick vacation somewhere where you could forget stress for a while.... remember that you're a team and a team sticks together no matter what

i'd be praying for you...... and if you need someone to just talk to, you can always pm me here or buzz me [mlo1230@yahoo] sometimes knowing that you're not alone in a situation makes the load seem lighter...

much love,
Marsha

[Welshgirl38]

Pat,

Im so sorry your feeling like this right now. Your a brave woman who has been thru so much already. After just 1 BFN i gave up - i decided i couldnt go thru no more pain, i wasnt strong enough. I even sent a thread saying 'goodbye' to all the lovely ladies here, they were so understanding and the support i got was amazing. Just like you, i wanted to give up, i thought there was nothing left for me and my DH. But you see hun, there was - there is a life for you and DH without a baby. there are so many things u can both do to make ur life complete. Yes there will be times when u will look back and wonder what life would have been like with a baby, but there will also be times when u will think - oh, we couldnt do this if we had had a baby!
Maybe if u draw a line underneath the past few years in ur life and start again, who knows whats around the corner - who knows what 'him upstairs' has planned for any of us, but the life we have is for living, and u need to start living it again. I know the hurt will never go away - kinda like a wound - it will heal but the scar is always there. Take time out with ur DH, get to kow each other again, do fun things and be there for each other - the pain will ease in time and u will get stronger.
I wish you and ur DH all the love and luck in the world Pat, keep fighting ...

Love Becky Xxx