U R not alone with DI

Gargy · Post by **Gargy** » Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:06 am

Hi Kery,

I wouldn't just be discounting your feelings about having a second child, and particularly with your DH. Believe me, from having my own husband turn around from 'absolutely no way' to a grudging 'I'll go to the counsellor' to a very happy 'well genetics don't matter anyway' we are proof that minds can be changed. I think for DH it was the fear that he wouldn't be the father - but that's not there constantly anymore.

I think that you need to sort your feelings out before you either go down this path or close the door. I very firmly believe that our counsellor helped us through the process - but you've got to be lucky and get the right one.

If these feelings of longing and/or loss aren't worked out they can severely affect a marriage. I tried going down the 'I can survive without children' but I was fooling myself. I'm not ready to give up yet. I may have to one day, and I am aware of it, but not yet.

So, you are not ungrateful to want more than one child. I really think you need to sort out what both of you truely want before moving on - don't let it linger in the background like I tried to do - it doesn't help long term.

Good luck!!

Gargy · Post by **Gargy** » Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:07 am

Hi Kery,

Don't worry about jumping in - you are absolutely welcome!!

As to your question: I wouldn't just be discounting your feelings about having a second child, and particularly with your DH. Believe me, from having my own husband turn around from 'absolutely no way' to a grudging 'I'll go to the counsellor' to a very happy 'well genetics don't matter anyway' we are proof that minds can be changed. I think for DH it was the fear that he wouldn't be the father - but that's not there constantly anymore.

I think that you need to sort your feelings out before you either go down this path or close the door. I very firmly believe that our counsellor helped us through the process - but you've got to be lucky and get the right one.

If these feelings of longing and/or loss aren't worked out they can severely affect a marriage. I tried going down the 'I can survive without children' but I was fooling myself. I'm not ready to give up yet. I may have to one day, and I am aware of it, but not yet.

So, you are not ungrateful to want more than one child. I really think you need to sort out what both of you truely want before moving on - don't let it linger in the background like I tried to do - it doesn't help long term.

Good luck!!

DonnaUS-NY · Post by **DonnaUS-NY** » Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:11 am

Oh Kery..Please you are not silly, not at all. Although I can identify with why you asked that question (because you have already been blessed with a child, as have I) it still does not stop the hurt...believe me. I have a child from donor sperm who is now only 2 and a half. But some of my darkest days have been in the 5 IVF attempts for a sibling after her. I too wondered if I was being silly for this sadness realizing there were many others struggling to conceive just one child. Since then, mainly through the support I received from this group, I realized that everybody's situation is different and a loss is a loss - whether its the loss of a dream for a child with your husband, a loss over a miscarriage, loss of a dream for a sibling or a loss of being able to conceive naturally without medical intervention.

I do have to say though please do not give up hope. Your husband may need time to process this a little more. Believe it or not at first I was the one to say "No Way" and I meant it. Then we started talking adoption and do you want to hear something stupid? ......The way I got over the genetic connection loss was my husband saying "You know how much you love the dogs (our first two children

) well you are not genetically connected to them are you...but you still feel the utmost love and care for them, right?" Well he was right, as silly as that sounded that was my breakthrough. So not only did I accept the idea of adoption but then became excited over it. Only then did I realize, wait a minute if I can accept and love a baby with no genetic connection at all, then I can certainly love a baby with part genetics. Furthermore, I will have control of pre-natal care, nutrition, care as a newborn, abilility to select and screen the donor etc. and for us it made financial sense too as our treatments were covered by insurance. So basically, it just made the best sense all around, however, it took a while to get there. So please do not lose hope, it may just take some time to absorb.

By the way I am very sorry to hear about the outcome of your isci and ivf cycle. It must be very difficult on you both. However, please keep talking about it though, it does help. You have every right to feel what you are feeling, please do not be hard on yourself as you've already gone through enough.

TansRN · Post by **TansRN** » Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:03 am

Hello Kery
I do not think that you are acting crazy! I mean I have 2 DS's from a previous relationship and I love them dearly I really do with all my heart but I wanted to have a child with my new wonderful DH and as you can see in my sig bar that didnt happen. So here I am and at this point I really want to have a child. My DH talked about donor sperm and that didn't matter that the child was his and that made no never mind. So we decided to go for it. Do you think that your DH might feel "less manly" first of all about that sperm not making it and then using another guys "manhood". Im telling you that guys are kind of like that when it comes to this kind of thing. They really are.
I am so sorry that your IVF-ICSI didnt work out. I know how disappointing that would be. Maybe you can just talk to him about it and slowly warm him up to the idea of it. Who knows!!!!! Keep in touch. We don't mind you joining in.

Hello Gargy and Polly and Donna
Hope that you guys are doing well. Thinking about you today!!!

Kery · Post by **Kery** » Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:47 am

Hi

Thank you!! you girls are so kind and helpful!

It is nice to hear from others that know just how you are feeling. Family and friends can be supportive but they just don't understand what we have been through. When they told me that no eggs fertilised I felt like curling up in a corner and not coming out. You are right it was the loss of a dream that we had for such a long time and in a one minute phone call it's all over.

I think I jumped the gun a bit with suggested a sperm donor. I need to let him process everthing that has happened. I think his manhood has been crushed!

This site has been so helpful right through the whole process. I think I have learnt more here than at the clinic!!

Kery xx

TansRN · Post by **TansRN** » Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:41 am

Kery
This is real life information not just straight from the text books!!! I love coming here to see how it really works. Glad that we could help. Stay in touch!!!!

Hope that everyone else is doing well....not much new here. Getting released from the RE tomorrow to go to O?B officially. Woo Hoo!!! Get to see the little buggers tomorrow on one last ultrasound from him....I will have more to share tomorrow I am sure....tAke care

[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

Gargy · Post by **Gargy** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:42 am

Wow, we have gone really quiet in here!

Polly, Tanya, Donna, Kery and everyone else - big hellos!!

Work went really nuts the last couple of weeks of term and I've been enjoying hiberating during these first few days of the school holidays. Got to love good books, good movies and chocolate!

We saw our donor a few weeks ago for dinner. He'd just made the donations and was really excited. I'm going to chase him up over the next few days to see if he's seen the counsellor.

How is everyone else going???

Kery · Post by **Kery** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:39 pm

Hi Gargy

Sounds great havin a few days off, good on ya enjoy it!! That's great that things are moving along for you. I'm not sure where you are from but do you have to wait and do a 'cooling off period' after the counceling?

We are still going with a donor through the clinic but we have found out we have to do a full ivf cycle. I don't have any fertility issues but here in WA, Australia we have a donor shortage because of law changes. So for better sucess rates they are doing ivf. Anyway we are of to the councellor when dh comes back from away working (2-3 weeks) then have to wait about 3 months for the 'cooling off period'.

Hope everyone is doing ok!!

Kery xxx

Gargy · Post by **Gargy** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 2:45 am

Hey Kery,

Yep - really enjoying the break. So is my cat,, who is curled up on my lap, makng it difficult to type on my laptop! I swear he thinks I am home to be his lounge!

To answer your question: because we are going with a known donor, the cooling off period is 6 months for my clinic. I'm in the western suburbs of NSW and we also have the donor issues - hence our change from unknown to known donor. Haven't been told I 'have to' have IVF by my clinic - I actually want to try IUI one more time before doing the whole IVF process.

Good luck in 2/3 weeks.

Kery · Post by **Kery** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:54 pm

Hi Gargy

Just a update. Our clinic rang today and said the have no donors on there books at the moment. I gave another clinic a ring today and they said they have donors so I think we will change over to them. They also said as I have no fertility issues that I can try iui's. So that was even better news as I wasn't looking forward to going through a ivf cycle a third time. We have a appointment with the doctor on the 30th so I guess we will find out more then.

Kery xxx

DonnaUS-NY · Post by **DonnaUS-NY** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:18 pm

Keri,
That's awesome you are going the donor route! I had to re-read the previous posts a bit to see if I missed something (or to make I sure I thinking of the right Keri) Last I knew your husband shot down the idea of donor sperm, right? Then what happened apparently he must have turned around??? How wonderful and exciting, there must have been some heart felt discussions surrounding this for you guys (I know there was with us while contemplating the decision). I hope you don't mind my inquiring about this It's just that I got so happy for you when I read your post clearly you must have had a breakthrough!

Gargy, You are getting closer and closer. Glad you are enjoying your break!!

Heres my update, we definitely decided to go the embryo donation route. It was really neat as my clinic had 7 donors, there is one that shares similar physical traits to my husband and me. For this donor there are 7 good quality embryos all of which are now ours. The cost is higher than expected (because our insurance is maxed out) But we decided to move forward on it. Unfortunately there is another delay...I got bitten by a tick and got Lyme's disease a couple weeks ago. From that I have been so sick and even got Bells Palsy (facial paralysis). I am on antibiotics now and after 2 weeks I am starting to feel better. My face has improved but not fully. Unfortunately this delays the embyo implantation but at least I got this before and not during. I am just so glad to start feeling better...I could hardly function the past 3 weeks. Well, if its not one thing its another

the way I look at it is "yeah, things could be better, BUT they could also be worse!" I guess I'll accept what I have.

How is everyone else..Polly...Tanya?

Kery · Post by **Kery** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:10 am

Hey Donna

Yep bit of a turn around. After going through it all I realised that I really wanted another child and if it meant going with a donor than so be it. Dh is fine with it now (after many heart to hearts). I think if I said that was it and we give up on the idea he would have also been fine with it. So yea hopefully everything will turn out ok with the whole donor thing.

Gee you really have been having a hard time. I hope you start to feel better really soon! That's great that the embies are now yours, how exciting!! How many will you transfer when it all happens?

Kery xxx

TansRN · Post by **TansRN** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 10:01 am

Hello Gang
I am only getting random updates on postings. Sorry. I usually only check when I get the email notification. I guess I will have to check more frequently. Things are going well for me. Only 7 more days until I am 12 complete weeks! I am thrilled about that. That is a great milestone for me considering that is when I had my m/c last year. I guess it is just mental....I rented my doppler and I love it-I get to hear the little babies whenever I want to and it is quite a thrill for me. I am so happy to be preggo with them. I am looking forward to meeting them!

Gargy
I am glad that you were able to meet with your donor for dinner. What a special relationship you already have with him. That is neat. You are getting closer girl. You really are. When is your anticiapated IUI date? I thought that you were saying at one point that it would be closer to christmas but I can't remember.

Kery
That is great about your new clinic. That is really good that you found one that has a donor. Get on it girl!

Donna
That is wonderful that you have your frosties ready to go! That is horrible that you got Lymes disease. OMG that is so unfortunate. Better that you got it now is right if you have to get it at all...I hope that you start really feeling better soon.

Talk to you guys later....

[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

DonnaUS-NY · Post by **DonnaUS-NY** » Sun Jul 08, 2007 11:25 am

Kery,

First, I just realized I spelled your name wrong in my prior post, sorry about that! Well I am very happy for you both, this process is amazing..It can be scary, but exciting. Having a daughter via DI, I can tell you how wonderful it is, my husband is every bit her Dad. Although there are certain considerations to be made (when/how/to whom to disclose) which complicate things a little (as you can see those heart to hearts don't stop!)the fact that she is not genetically linked to him has not made one difference in how much she loves him, how much he loves her etc. It is wonderful he is welcoming the idea; I am sure for him (men in general) it is not easy and it takes a special man to be open to it.

To answer your question about how many embryos to transfer with the donor embies....I don't know!! ha ha. This will be a different ball game because previous attempts I transferred up to 4 with no success, but that apparently was due to quality. The embryos are stored in 3 vials of 3,2,2. So either 2 or 3...because the results are so unknown, I may inquire about two this time to avoid multiples. With my own embyos and my prior history I would have trasferred 6 if I had them

Tanya, Congratulations on your 12 week mark! Although worries never really seem to dissipate (we only trade them for others

) this has probably given you a great sigh of relief (especially after the mc). Please continue to keep up posted!

Gargy · Post by **Gargy** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:59 am

Hey everyone!!

Kery - I'm glad you could change clinics to find donors and do IUI rather than IVF. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come!!

Donna - my goodness you have been having a bad time with your health! Good news being able to have embies with a donor that looks similar to you and DH, as well as the amount of embryos!

Tanya - brilliant that you are up to 12 weeks! Yeah!!

Polly - hoping things are going well???

As for me, remember how I said things were going forward? Well, after ringing our SD last Thursday and emailing him last Friday, I haven't heard a thing. This is trying my patience no end. I am trying to reassure myself that our SD is busy, he does things like this (ie gets really full on then disappears for a while), and maybe he needs some time to get over this final hurdle.

Unfortunately the counselling is the last thing he has to do, and I really wanted this over and done with by the end of the school holidays, mainly so that DH and I don't have to take any more time off work. However I suppose I am trying to push my own timeline again.

I feel like I can't feel happy about this until this final task is done. I think this is why he was happier at the dinner than we were - I was reluctant to celebrate until the final hurdle was over.

Now I don't know what to do. Do I ring again? Or wait til he gets back to me? Arrghh!!

Oh - something funny that happened last Friday...I asked my mother who she thought we were using. She told me and I said - no, it's this person. I've never seen her in such shock!! Mainly because she thought it was someone already with a family, not someone that has no intention of having a family of his own. Hee hee - I do put her through some moral and emotional hoops!

Hope everyone is doing well...

U R not alone with DI

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