The feeling bad thread!

[shantala]

hi all

i dont know about you but i sometimes get days where i really feel like i cant cope with all this c**p. i dont like voicing my feelings when i feel like this on the main threads that i post on so i thought it would be good to have a separate thread where we can rant, rave, cry, etc.

so.....

my AF has shown today (after being 7 days late) which means i can book in again for another round of IVF/ICSI tomorrow. i've got very mixed emotions about this...i feel a lot less stressed about this cycle as i know what's coming, i'm not worried at all about the d/r, the stimming, the EC, the ET and not really the 2ww even. i am concerned about test day, whcih i wasnt on my last cycle. although i'm quite excited i'm also very apprehensive as my expectations are a lot lower. i feel i'm a lot more realistic which inevitably brings more pessimism (unfortunately).

i find it hard at times to see pregnant women, films with babies in, walk down the babymilk, nappy, etc aisle at the supermarket, read jokes about children, listen to relatives/friends moan about their children, listen to stupid comments that people make thinking they're being helpful, listen to the news about another teenage couple that have fallen pregnant naturally, have no jobs and don't appreciate the gift they've been given.

on those days i feel very upset, very lonely and just think it's not bloody fair. i long for a baby more than anything i've ever longed for in my life and want to be a mommy so badly. i want to have morning sickness, go through as much pain as possible when i give birth, hold that small bundle in my arms, breastfeed, go through sleepless nights, have a tearaway toddler and a moany teenager. i want this more than anything and would do anything to be given the chance. and sometimes it just feels that i will never get that opportunity. sometimes it feels that nobody understands (except all you lovely ladies and gents of course), not even dh. he is a different sex to me at the end of the day and inevitably deals with these things differently. that's fine, dont get me wrong, but it doesnt help me. yes, i might be selfish and i might be feeling sorry for myself rather than just getting on with it but i get on with it every single day. so i think the odd day i'm allowed to feel like that.

phew, sorry about the rant and the very depressing post but i needed to get that off my chest. didnt know who else to turn to!!

aahh, i feel so much better now. hope others can post on here too and feel better.

xxxxx

[Jen1d]

Hi Shantala

This is a great idea, i feel ok just now but will hop on board when i'm having a bad day.

Totally understand about the bumps etc but we are all here for you and dont think you are selfish, you are completely NOT.

You take care babe, i'm sending a hug to you

Love Jen x

[shantala]

hi jen

thanks for understanding the need to just be like that sometimes. and great to hear that you dont need to post on here at the moment!!! lol...

i already feel 10x better and will say that i dont feel like this very often. not even on a weekly basis sometimes!!

anyway, thanks for posting!!

xxx

[My2LnT]

Hey Shantala my dear friend.... This was a good idea. We all know what a pain in the as* the entire process can be with all the emotional sides as well as the physical hell your body goes thru. I am glad your AF showed and I am sending you lots of hugs and a few prayers that you don't get your hands around someones neck when all those shots make you a real witch... LOL.. None the less PMA and lots of love to you with your next cycle.

[PMApsy]

Hello sweet pea,

I'm sorry that you feel that way, and I'm also sorry that you felt you had to create a thread for that (maybe you don't feel it would be adequate on the other threads? If so, why not?).

I totally get you, you know. I was in your situation not so long ago; we cycled together when we did our first IVF and both had a BFN. I, too, alternated between just feeling cool with that cycle, knowing what awaits me, but also feeling down at other times. It's just normal, I think. The important thing for you is to let yourself feel those negative feelings, but try and make them better should they linger around. Each attempt counts, even if it's a BFN. Your body gives you loads of infos that doctors may use for another attempt, and you also have frosties, which gives you hope for FETs in the future.

I'm totally with you on the movies, the whiny parents, the commercials, and so on. I am more sensitive to all that sometimes, too. But you'll see... as you go forward in your cycle, you'll eventually like to see these things because hope will settle in.

The other thing that took me a while to understand, was that nobody can really understand what we go through. Not our husbands, not our friends, not our family. The lovely people here, of course, can, but even then, they're not in our shoes. We don't face the same challenges and we don't react the same way. So, once you come to terms what that sad reality, things are much better because you really are less frustrated by the comments you hear or the attitudes you face.

Hope that helps sweetie. And here is a big HUUUUUUUUUG!

Take care darling,

Sophie

[sassynlv]

Shantala:
Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy. I think it is a great idea to have this kind of a thread. I also understand your reluctance to post such feelings on the cycling threads as they are not always well-received, and women are there for cycle support. The fact is, sometimes IF and in particular IVF sucks. It sucks even when we function well and are not feeling sorry for ourselves. In the end, though, we are human, and will have days where we don't feel like being positive... days when it is helpful just to hear that others also get frustrated, discouraged, pessimistic, and sick of this cr*p. It doesn't make you selfish or bad... just human (IMHO)

So bravo on starting this thread. And for starting AF!

[sassynlv]

double post

[daly]

Sassy, I couldn't agree more! We'll definately make it through this, but you are so right, "it sucks". Nothing like radical acceptance!! Great post idea Shantala.

[jemima]

Hi Shantala,

I feel the exactly the same like you. Last night I cried a lot I beg God to give me a child, to let me pregnant. I went with my best friend from morning till 9 pm. We did all her errands and a few mine, when she dropped me home she said she was lucky to have me cause i always have free time. I remember my other friend told me a month before she got pregnant that she liked to go out with me cause I didn't have any children so I was available anytime. I wanted to be angry, but tried to hold it cause she has been my friend since high school. So Last night, I sit on my dark living room, I wish I had a child. A child will keep me busy from morning till night like mostly my friends. So nobody will say they love to go out with me cause I always ready anytime they need me. Soory about this, i just want to share with somebody.

Shantala, good luck on you cycle. Good idea about this thread

Luv, Jemma

[charlie78]

Hi - Just found this thread and needed a rant / cry (thanks Shantala for starting this thread!)

I went out with DH last night and a few of his friends, I was driving, so completely sober. One of DH's friends partner got really drunk (they know about our IF issues), and told me that she is jealous of me and DH, because, she says that when we do have children we will really appreciate them and that she doesn't really appreciate her two children (both were 'accidents') and that she had had an abortion. I had to leave to cry in the toilets.
Life is unfair and I know you will all understand.

Thank you

Charlie x

[CarolynB]

Shantala - good on you for starting the thread. We cannot be positive all the time. But totally understand what you mean about putting it on cycles threads where everyone is so supportive. Hope that you are doing a bit better. Good luck for this round. You know where I am if I can help at all

Charlie - that is so rude and insensitive. I am surprised that you did not punch her in the chops. People say these things and have no idea what they do to us. Hope that you feel a little better today

Someone blurted out to me this week that a girl who used to work for me was expecting. She did not even tell me herself & we were so close. I hate that people are insensitive and then I hate that other people tred on egg shells around us. I mailed her to congratulate her. Then she phoned me and I just did not have the heart to answer the phone. I was sobbing so hard in the loos of the restaurant after the other person left me that dh wanted to come and collect me and take me home. I am lucky to have him

I hate the fact that I have done 3 Fresh cycles plus tubal surgery to unblock me all since last March and got nowhere at all. I hate that I am 4-1 and that time is running out. I hate it when the green monster arrives. I hate the thought that I may never be able to give dh a son/daughter. It really sucks. And Shantala it does feel very lonely as the only people who can understand are other ladies in the same boat sadly

But we pick ourselves up and keep trucking. Not much else for us to do. Thank goodness for finding this board and all of you.

Hang in there. Our time will come.
Love
Carolyn
xxxxxxxx

[Hopeful2007]

Hi Shantala

Great idea... I've been offline for sometime as well, went through a lot of emotions lately.

After 1st IVF cycle we got a BFP and when it was time to do to a viability scan it was 2 weeks behind! For the past 6 or so weeks I went through numerious u/s follow ups staying hopeful that IVF somehow miscalculated the dates.

Last Wed it was confirmed that sac was empty, with no embryo developing inside. It stops growing at 5.5 wks and it should have been 11wks by now according to IVF dates. It took me few days to accept the news that Im going to m/c anyday now.

I fully understand what you meant by people simply dont understand. My DH is very supportive, yet he cannot understand why I spend days crying and mouring a baby that could have been. Its a horrible feeling knowing that Im still carrying a sac/embryo inside me.

On the positive note, Im much better now as I had to accepted the situation and decided that i had to stay positive as we really want to try again. We will have to wait for 3 mths after m/c to try FET.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[stressball]

Hi all,
Thanks S for starting this thread....I thought I will also unload myself here. I am in my 2ww period now. I have a friend who knows that I am going thru infertility. She send me a baby bib to me on the day of my egg retrieval to surprise me that she is pregnant. That bib when I HELD IN MY HANDS, I WANTED TO YELL, CRY AND THEN HIDE SOMEWHERE.....Tis is the fourth lady who got pregnant in our group of 6 couple friends that hang out together almost every week. I am happy for her but very sad for myself.

Well, there is one song that gives me lot of hope and encouragement to live life and get over these sad emotions. The song is "I hope you dance" I dont remeber the name of the lady who sang it.

Anyways, we are lucky to have internet so that we can connect to other people in the same boat.

Sanya

[wanttodiscuss]

Lee Ann Womack wrote the song stressball mentioned. I like that too. Here are the lyrics (This is long so I cut the end off as it is repetitive)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

[alexprafti]

High,every one. I am new at this and tomorrow I am beginning the first IVF cycle. I am not glad that so many women have to suffer, but I find comfort in the fact that other people feel like me. I might not have faced the IVF yet, but I have faces 2 years of anticipation and 5 unsuccesful artificial inseminations. During this time, I was hospitalized once with nervous breakdown and paralized limps. I mention that, so that you can understand my psycological situation. All of my closest friends keep having babies without problems (one of them recenty had an abortion-her 3d child-it made me furious!!!) and all of them (family and husband included) keep telling me that I overeact. I absolutely HATE hearing that!! I have even stopped going swimming, because there are so many families with children at the sea and it is impossible for me not to start crying.
I know that everyone is alone at this because everyone is different, but I like to believe that people in this forum may understand each other a bit more.
thank you
I wish the very best to each and everyone of you.

Alex