how would you deal w/

deepa100 · Post by **deepa100** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 3:46 am

Hi ladies,
I can use some advise here. I have a sis that is only 18 mo. younger than me. She lives 5 miles away from me but we were never close friends. I basically put up w/ her because she is family.

2 mo. ago, she married some one she had met on the internet w/ o telling the family. Did I mention that was the first time she had seen him in person and he is from a different country? Anyways, she comes back from the wedding (the guy won't be here for a few months due to INS paper work.) and announces to the rest of the family that she is pregnant! She does not have a support network in the US. My husband and I are the only ones she depends on for any real help. Yet, she has not told us yet. MAy be that is good because I am really mad about the whole thing. Now, don't take me wrong- if she stayed married to her first husband and had 4 kids by now, I would've been very happy for her. It wouldn't have been my headache.

My husband and I are tired enough (I am 34 wks) from our own pregnancy and I am anygry that she was irresponsible to do this. Am I justified in my anger? It is just that I am no shape to take care of another pregnant should she need help. I can not bring myself to call her.

Thanks for any input!

kholtan · Post by **kholtan** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:12 pm

Though I don't have a sister I can relate to on this, I do have a brother who did something very similar also resulting in a baby. It's a hard situation reagardless and every detail makes it uniquely different.

Here is what became my approach. . . I have a hard time with my brother but I did not want that to effect the baby in any way. So, I threw the baby shower and bought the car seat so I knew they would actually get one. Then I encouraged a healthy lifestyle and lent them verbal support, not financial or they would have robbed me!!! Now my brother is as annoying as ever if mot more but my nephew is about 16 months old and ADORABLE!!!!!! I take care of him when I can and so I can get to know him and only allow my little brother to do things with us (like dirt biking, jet skiing, boating or anything that costs money) if his child support is paid. It's very hard to deal with my brother. . .VERY HARD. . .but I do love my nephew and it isn't his fault that his parents are idiots!!

Ultimately, you have to decide what is right for you and your family but I can suggest that the anger part of it be put away. Anger is simply giving your power away and letting someome else have control over your emotions. It's just unhealthy. Mine became more of disappoinment and a lesson in tolerance than in harboring anger. It's all up to you and what you want as a relationship between your sister and your new niece or nephew. Things can change but it is never easy. Have faith and goodluck.

Take care,
Kimberly

deepa100 · Post by **deepa100** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:41 pm

Thanks for your response, kholton!

I know it is bad to be angry w/ someone. If I weren't going thr' my own pregnancy (high risk), I would've been able to put my hard feelings aside. I have done this with her several times. I am not even sure if I want to get to know her husband and children. She is not easy to deal with and frankly, I feel like just moving away from here. Even before her marriage, knowing that I was pregnant, she never called me to see how I was doing or even tried to do a baby shower.

My family is already looking at me like - oh, why don't you take care of her? I am just sick of it. They know that she doesn't have her head screwed on right but I think it is easy for them to push the responsibility on someone else because they live far away. I feel like I am more than done with her this time.

kholtan · Post by **kholtan** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 12:58 am

I do know just how you feel. My brother, who cannot pay for the one child he has, had the nerve to call a few days ago and ask me to take him on vacation with us when we go to the coast. He hasn't seen the ocean and figures he can't live w/o it now. I wanted to strangle him!!!! Meanwhile his ex and son live on welfare. I try to just see the baby and not him. So far so good but my nephew is still young. I'm sure my plan will go to hell in a hand basket when he's older.

Sometimes I feel like he is a weed that needs out of my garden!!

deepa100 · Post by **deepa100** » Sat Jun 30, 2007 2:12 am

Yep, everybody seems to have one in their family. My MIL doesn't even talk to her sister any more. The ones that can keep families intact are the lucky ones.

jean86 · Post by **jean86** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 8:19 pm

Wow, can I relate. My Brother is 40 yrs old and was pretty much homeless. I let him move in with us for a few months and he meets a girl after 3 months of being in this city and gets her pregnant. She already has 3 kids. She turns out to be good for him and is really nice but I was really angry because we were spending all this money and trying really hard to get pregnant. I finally did get pregnant in Jan but sadly lost the baby in May, the same day his was born. My anger has subsided and I do realize this turned out to be a good thing for him, but I still have a hard time getting close to the baby. I can be around her but I have not held her yet.

deepa100 · Post by **deepa100** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 12:48 am

I have a theory on this-
The smarter, more goal oriened and ambitious you are the harder it is to get pregnant. (Because you allow yourself to get stressed). Being real fit and thin does not help(if you are a woman).
The more relaxed, less ambitious you are, the easier it is to get pregnant. A few extra pounds around the hip and waist also help (if you are a woman).

I have seen a lot of instances of this.

deepa100 · Post by **deepa100** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:45 pm

My sister's husband has no estimated date of arrival (who know if he is planning on coming at all, if he does, how long the INS work will take).
I think my main problem is- my Mom was gonna' come ans spend a couple of months with me to help me adjust to the new life w/ the baby. Now my sis wants her over there even though she is only 2.5 months along because she has no one to care for her (and whose fault is that?) Well, I can manage w/o my mom. I had to pretty much give up being with my mom the minute my sis was born (we are only 16 mo. apart).

But my sis is also moving into a condo next month and my mom can't drive or speak english. I won't be in a position to help them. I had already made plans to go back to school at night after the baby comes. I don't want to sacrifice my dreams and future for stupid people that decide to get pregnant w/o having s support structure. My sis sometimes bypasses me and asks my husband for help because he is nice. I ususally let it go. But now that we have a new addition to our family, I feel like I am not willing to share my husband either. He signed up to take care of one sister, not two. It is unreasonable to expect that from him just because he is a nice guy.

As to what my sis should do w/ the situation she has created for herself - I strongly feel that I just don't give a damn any more.

how would you deal w/

how would you deal w/

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