Oct 05 Cycle Buddies

[Jen1d]

Sorry to ruin the happy vibe.

I managed last night and it was ok but couldnt stop staring at the bump--wishing---longing---hoping.
Then today my mum is putting pressure about stupid things and i burst into tears on the phone. So she was a little shocked and she has just been on the phone again and is now doing her me, me, me bit. Cant she understand that we are having a rough week and she kept saying "you have to go and talk to someone" HELLO, I KNOW THIS. Called the hosp and cant get an appointment, mad about htat to. Seems you get a bfn then they leave you until the next cycle. Plus the next person who says i "should just adopt" will get a smack. Dont they know its a long process to adopt and it will never replace my own children that i cant have.
YOU KNOW I JUST FEEL SO EXHAUSTED AND STRESSED.
I keep bursting into tears and getting headaches. I just want to curl up or run away.

Sorry for being so negative girls, think its best i stay away for a bit as i dont want to bring the mood down, you need to stay positive. I will be fine, just need some time out.

Love Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

Jens---
No, no, no, no no! You will not stay away!!! You will stay right here and talk about how you are feeling. I don't care if you want to complain and cry and vent for 17 pages... do it if that is what you need to do! What is with you girls thinking that in order to be part of the group you need to be chipper.. this site is not about shiny, happy people. It is a place where we can go to talk to people who truly understand what we are going through, because people who have not gone through it have NO clue what it is like.

So I demand that you, Loops and Littles stay put and be with people who get it.. this is the place where there is no need for pretending. You have to do enough of "putting on a happy face" in real life.. don't do it here.

Please stay and support each other.

I will be here too.

steph

[Jen1d]

Thanks Steph for your email, it helps to have great girls like you.

Just feel confused and worried. Scared to use a 'you know what' now its coming close but know its my only option. I'm definately grieving for my own eggs and maybe dh is right, we have probably taking this route to fast without counselling. After my last bfn i just wanted something to focus on and as i'm not getting any younger, i wanted to crack on and get things moving. I suppose i'm just scared that if we manage to have a child, its the 'how much of me is there', that will be the hard bit to deal with. I'm not bothered about the bonding bit, as i've said before, i have looked after lots of kids and could easily have taken a few home for keeps. Just have to look at my ex-key child to see that.

I called about counselling yesterday and we can get an appointment on the 10th Aug thats no bl**dy good, it will be over by then. They are putting me on the cancellation list---told her that was done 6 weeks ago and still nobody has called. I explined our situation and they recommended i call Thursday morning and talk to the caounsellor personally, she might squeeze us in---doubt that. Shouldnt be surprised really, the NHS wont fork out any money for ivf and they desperately need more counsellors but they dont care.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for being there and sorry its all about me today but i AM thinking of you all.

Speak soon

Love Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

Hi Girls!!!!

Jens- glad to see that you are sticking around. th group would crumble without you. How are you doing? any luck getting in to a counselor yet? I think maybe you just need to wrap your head around everything.. let it sink in so to speak. what is the latest? have they found the golden ticket yet? are you still moving ahead or decided to press pause?

Loops- hey sunshine on my shoulder.. why are there gray clouds in your place? how are ya sweetbean? what is the latest with you? hows life treating you? how was vacation??? did demmy show off his newly shaved chest?

Group hug to Littles and walshy..

As for me.. doing good here. Work is crazy and yet I am avoiding actually getting anything done as you can see... but it is Friday and it is summer.. hows a girl to concentrate? our weekend are jammed packed with summer goodness fun. I hate heat, but do love a good cookout. Cookouts are not as fun as they were before I jumped on the diet wagon... I am down ten pounds... have no clue how many stone that is? I am losing slowly, but losing,so happy with that.... I did a little yoga last night after my jog.. LOVE IT! I forgot how much I love yoga and how friggin good it feels. I haven't had time to go to the yoga studio since back at work, so last night I decided to give our deck a try. It was heaven on a stick! Gorgeous weather and the sounds of water flowing in the fountain and birds singing. We live in the forest.... I may never go back to the yoga studio again!

Luvs to the bugs
steph

[Jen1d]

Hi Girls

Thanks for thinking of me over the last while, your a great support.
Cant seem to pull myself up and just feel so depressed and tearful. To make things worse i cant get a counsellor until the 10th Aug-------------it will be over by then

I sent an email to the clinic yesterday asking for an update. We thought they would have found a 'you know what' by now, they said it would take 1-2 weeks. Plus they told us they would have one and then i would start my medi, well i have taken nearly the whole packet of pill and still nothing. I just need them to tell me whats going on.

Am going to call the Doctor on Monday, cant get out of this glum place. Dont know what i will do if this doesnt work??????????????

Thanks for being there for me.

Love Jen x
_________________

[Jen1d]

Hi girls

Called the Dr today and cant get off work to attend the app with dh this afternoon so he is going alone and will ask our Dr to find us a counsellor a.s.a.p.
Clinic emailed today and told me to continue my medi until the 7th Aug then after my af i must start the patches so my body is synchronised with 'you know what'-------does that mean they have found one??? I emailed back straight away but still no answer
I am getting more frustrated and annoyed by the day aaaaarrrrrrrhhhh.

Ok must get ready for work

Love to you all

Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi

Got an email, THEY HAVE FOUND ONE

Big B emailed today and i have to take the medi until the 6th then af will come a few days after then start on the patches.

Dont know how i feel, bit strange but finally some positvie news.

DH went to the Dr today but she wants to see me. She told dh we are past the counselling stage but i'm sure talking to someone anytime helps, dont you think? Anyway I have an appointment on Thursday at 10.10 so will chat with her then.

At work so must dash.

Love Jen x

[Inhale, Exhale]

Hey Jens!
just sent you a loooong e-mail, so won't go on again.

Loops- hows it hanging? where's it hanging? miss ya noodler.

Demmy- please bring Loops back, unless she is really enjoying herself and relaxing.. then please continue to entertain her in only the way you can.. complete with fig leaves and body oil.

The Others.... can I get a WHATZZ UP??

Nothing new with me.. work, crazy weekends and addicted to cheesy summer television. I think I am actually beginning to like summer tv better.. must have been my big dissappointment with last season of Greys.. snoozer that it was. sorry if you are all behind me, but the last season was humdrum!

Steph

[Jen1d]

Hi

Well my trip to the Doc was -------- WET She is so nice that 2 mins in the door and i was blubbering. She spent quite a while with me and offered to sign me off on the sick but i just feel there is no point in that as i would sit at home and become even more miserable.
Better to be at work, keep busy and get abuse hurled at me all day from the yp
Cant even remember what she said about the counselling but know she cant offer us any as its all due to finance and waiting lists. She is willing to write to the hospital clinic where we did our 4 cycles to try and push them for a counsel date. I declined this at the moment as my work have offered 6 sessions free, we can have that soon. She said 4 cycles really is not much and if we compare that to fertile couples trying to get pregnant---its nothing. Fertile couples try every month and sometimes it takes up to a year to concieve------thats 12 chances they have had. She reminded me about the higher % of using a donor---i must keep reminding myself of that

Told the Dr about how great it is to be able to chat to people who understand. Strange but after talking to her i just realised how much of a brave face i put on and how much others dont have a clue what we go through. I have to stop that as i'm bottling all my feeling up and will expload but i just feel if you tell people they think you are moaning.

Anyway this weather is not helping eh. Wish i could be in Barcelona for the duration of the treatment---now that would be fab.

Love Jen

[Jen1d]

Hi

Well my trip to the Doc was -------- WET She is so nice that 2 mins in the door and i was blubbering. She spent quite a while with me and offered to sign me off on the sick as she feels i am depressed, but i just feel there is no point in that as i would sit at home and become even more miserable.
Better to be there, keep busy and get abuse hurled at me all day from the yp
Cant even remember what she said about the counselling but know she cant offer us any as its all due to finance and waiting lists. She is willing to write to the hospital clinic where we did our 4 cycles to try and push them for a counsel date. I declined this at the moment as my work have offered 6 sessions free, we can have that soon. She said 4 cycles really is not much and if we compare that to fertile couples trying to get pregnant---its nothing. Fertile couples try every month and sometimes it takes up to a year to concieve------thats 12 chances they have had. She reminded me about the higher % i have this time---i must keep reminding myself of that

Told the Dr about how great it is to be able to chat to people who understand. Strange but after talking to her i just realised how much of a brave face i put on and how much others dont have a clue what we go through. I have to stop that as i'm bottling all my feeling up and will expload but i just feel if you tell people they think you are moaning.

Anyway this weather is not helping eh. Wish i could be in Big B for the duration of the treatment---now that would be fab.

Love Jen

[Jen1d]

OOPS, CLICKED THE WRONG BUTTON BERORE AMMENDMENT COULD BE MADE, OH WELL ITS OUT NOW

JEN X

[Inhale, Exhale]

Hey Jens!!!
SOOOOO glad that you got in to have a talk and release all those pent up feelings! It sounds to me like you are well on your way to feeling strong and ready for cycle. one day, one procedure at a time.

Have NO worries about the word being out.. I am sure that anyone who reads this WILL respect your privacy or they will have to deal with a holy terror of an OctoGroup.

Did hubby go along for chat or is he dealing as men do.. my boy toy is so very.. why worry, whatever....

Lo-la-la--- come back NOW! unless still relaxin and maxin.. you deserve every pampered second! BUT, if yu are back at work and crazy busy.. I demand that you take two seconds to give us a Loops recap of Events... whats the haps?

Littles, Walshy..... would love a pop in visit.

As for me.. have felt very LAZY this week.. have not exercised once all week and did not have the urge to.. instead I have been sitting out on my deck enjoying the weather.. would be nice to enjoy with drink in hand, but alas, too many calories.... am down 13 pounds. slow but steady is what I keep telling myself. My one friend is down 30 pounds!! She looks amazing.. be-atch! We have a vacation coming up. All of my friends and us are renting a house in the mountains (yes I live in the mountains, but my friends don't... city folk!) ... I am soooo looking forward to it. Anyhow.. we all had a weight loss goal for our trip and we formed a weight loss group to cheer and jeer each other on... I am two pounds from my goal for the trip. .. it is in two weeks.. I thnk I can, I think I can.

Snizzle My Nizzle
steph

[Jen1d]

Hi

So have decided instead of putting on a brave face all the time, i am going to be honest with other people and say i'm feeling a bit low at the moment. Two of my work colleagues already asked and when i said the Dr wanted to sign me off work, they stopped texting and called me, which was nice. I just told them i didnt want to really talk about it but am struggling with things at the moment. I feel strange doing this though as i feel people will think you are just moaning---its just not in my nature as i usually just plod along. Knowing me i will only be able to do this for so long as people then start to ask questions and i dont want that----dont want them quizzing me about if we are doing more treatment and when. Dont want this as it puts me in an difficult position

We went out to a BBQ last night, thankfully it was inside. The last few days have turned cold up here and i'm sick of it. I'm sure this weather isnt helping my moods I have decided to start my major healthy eating plan on Monday and maybe lose some weight before we go back to Big B. Am off all weekend with dh, we are going to chill together as the weather is rubbish. We thought about going to watch The Open tommorrow as its only 20 mins from our house but its going to rain all weekend, so thats off the agenda

Steph - Good luck with the dieting-------------i bet you dont even need to lose weight

Littles - Know you are on your travels but come back soon for a chat.

Walshy - How you doing hun, you feeling ok?

Loops - Where you hiding, are you ok?

Have a good weekend

Love Jen x

[Jen1d]

Hi Girls

Its a short one, feel crap as i've just heard CarolynB has just had a failed ivf no 4-------this is so shit

Just wanted to tell you i have sorted out a counsellor, we start on Monday. Go 6 free sessions through my work, which is great.

I emailed the clinic yesterday as i feel we are not involved in the cycle and its just plodding alone nowhere. Anyway then mailed back straight away and said everything is going according to plan and as long as there is no problems with the stimming then we should be looking at ET around the last week in Aug.
I also asked if they could inform us about the quantity of eggs we get. They said that 70% of the ed manage to produce lots of eggs and have frosties, everything crossed we are in that % They dont seem to be worried and assured us its more than likely we will have frosties----just praying we dont need them.

Anyway we must be patient and wait----not long now though

Will catch up soon, just feel crap now after hearing about poor Carolyn.

Love Jen x

[Walshy]

Hi Jen and Steph,

Just a really quick email to wish you all the best for your up and coming cylce. I will hopefully be able to log on and send you a long email to let you know what I am doing and where I am at.

Steph quick hellos to you. 13 pounds down well i was doing really well yet have eaten myself back into oblivian i am such an emotional eater. I see babies and then feel sad and then want to eat chocolate.

Ok lovely ladies, talk to you soon from Walshy.